Please help, my daughter is touching herself. .

[housewifey]

Okay someone please put me at ease because I'm panicking a bit about this!

A few weeks ago my DD randomly said "I'm going in my room, shutting the door, please don't come in" I asked her why, does she not want me to play with her and she replied "No, I want to play by myself"
So fine, I left her and started putting some washing away, when I went in to her room 5 minutes later to put hers away she had her pants off and her doctor toys out. I asked her what she was doing and she just said nothing, I knew straight away and smelled one of her doctors toys to make sure and sure enough it smelt like it had been down there! So I straight away just started asking a few questions why had she done that? had someone told her to do that? Has she done it before? Does she need to tell me anything? Has anyone tried to touch her there? Just really casually, I wasn't angry or anything but she just kept replying no, nothing, nobody to every question. So I left it at that and just thought she was being curious but told her that its dirty to put her toys down there and asked her to help me clean them and asked her not to do it again, she promised.

Fast forward to 30 minutes ago DH went up to bed and then shouted me up to come see her, he went in to give her a goodnight kiss and she had books everywhere as normal so he was tucking her in, moving all the books out of the way and pulled her covers down to see if there was any books there and she had her pyjamas bottoms down and a cotton bud (ear bud) poking out of her vagina?! We were like :O what on earth!

Is this just curiosity? Or should I be worrying about something more?? I've never heard of this before and the fact that she's trying to be secretive about it is freaking me out? She's asleep now obviously, do I bring it up in the morning? She wont know that I've caught her?! I'm so confused!

If you got this far THANK YOU! Please reassure me someone

 

[Seity]

It's called masturbating. It feels good. She obviously understands that it's not something to do in public. Nothing to worry about.

 

[housewifey]

It's called masturbating. It feels good. She obviously understands that it's not something to do in public. Nothing to worry about.

But she's 4?!?

 

[crownest]

It's normal for little girls they will often "bounce" on things or rub themselves against things or people's knees . It feels nice for them but they don't understand why.Granted I haven't seen or heard of them inserting things. Little boys grap their penises .u mother calls it a start of a life long relationship.

 

[Cattia]

I don't think it's at all unusual at this age. I think as long as you are open with her about it and make sure she knows she can talk to you that's the most important thing. You want her to know that she can't do that sort of thing in front of other people but at the same time you don't want to make her feel like it's something to be ashamed of. It's a tough balancing act.

 

[housewifey]

Ahh i'm so confused! I've never heard of this being normal at 4?! I thought maybe 8 or 10 but not 4?! How on earth do I approach this? She doesn't know what sex is or where babies come from or why people touch themselves? Do I call it masturbating when talking to her? Seems too grown up?

 

[Kate&Lucas]

It is normal, maybe not particularly common at her age but not a bad thing. All she knows is that she's discovered something that feels good, she has no idea why, and it's likely she knows that'a a 'private' area (hence her secrecy).
You need to bring it up with her because it's not safe for her to be using her toys or cotton buds, but there's no reason to make her feel ashamed or like it's something she shouldn't do.

 

[Cattia]

I've spoken to quite a few people whose kids have done this from this age or even younger. I would say it's best not to make a big thing of it, if you see her doing it maybe say that's something you just do when you're in your own and not when someone else is there. You could also use it as a chance to chat about the underwear rule (other people never see what's under your underwear, apart from parents /siblings. I don't think it's really a sexual thing at this age, just a nice sensation so I think I would try to be quite casual about it.

 

[hattiehippo]

Its normal for kids to explore their own bodies.

My DS has been quite happy to sit and play with himself while sat on the loo or in his bedroom for well over a year now. Obviously its easier for a boy and probably more expected, but there's no reason why a girl wouldn't do the same. I tell him that its fine for him to do that but its a private thing to do on his own in his bedroom or to shut the bathroom door.

You could talk to your daughter about being careful about putting things inside herself in case she hurts herself but otherwise I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[housewifey]

It is normal, maybe not particularly common at her age but not a bad thing. All she knows is that she's discovered something that feels good, she has no idea why, and it's likely she knows that'a a 'private' area (hence her secrecy).
You need to bring it up with her because it's not safe for her to be using her toys or cotton buds, but there's no reason to make her feel ashamed or like it's something she shouldn't do.

Yeah I definitely want to bring it up but just wasn't sure how to approach it. I was so worried about the cotton bud, talking to DH about it this morning I was saying what if we hadn't seen it? She could have hurt herself or something

I've spoken to quite a few people whose kids have done this from this age or even younger. I would say it's best not to make a big thing of it, if you see her doing it maybe say that's something you just do when you're in your own and not when someone else is there. You could also use it as a chance to chat about the underwear rule (other people never see what's under your underwear, apart from parents /siblings. I don't think it's really a sexual thing at this age, just a nice sensation so I think I would try to be quite casual about it.

Yes was planning on having a chat with her over summer about the underwear rule as shes starting school so will obviously be away from us longer and with new caregivers etc and not as supervised as in nursery.

Its normal for kids to explore their own bodies.

My DS has been quite happy to sit and play with himself while sat on the loo or in his bedroom for well over a year now. Obviously its easier for a boy and probably more expected, but there's no reason why a girl wouldn't do the same. I tell him that its fine for him to do that but its a private thing to do on his own in his bedroom or to shut the bathroom door.

You could talk to your daughter about being careful about putting things inside herself in case she hurts herself but otherwise I wouldn't worry about it.

Thanks so much for all your replies, I guess none of my friends have spoke to me about their LO's doing this so I thought it was a totally strange thing this young! But you have reassured me that its not! Phew!

 

[lovelylaura]

If I'm honest I would really freak out about it too. I know it's normal ect but 4 just seems so young and using toys/cotton buds would really worry me but I've no idea how you go about that? Im not sure I would be comfortable telling my child to use her hands not her toys. I don't know but you got my sympathies, I hope you manage to sort it out xx

 

[kristy87]

I also don't know what advice to give about the using her toys down there, but my little girl lies on her back, lifts her knees up together and squeezes, especially if she's in bed when she has a nappy on. I just tell her not to do it when other people are around but she can do it on her own. I was mortified when I realised what she was doing but now I just try shrug it off as I guess I don't want her to be ashamed of it. I hope someone can advise you about the toys. Just be reassured it's so normal. X

 

[housewifey]

Yeah it's not something I've approached yet as it'd be difficult to be like "do you remember that time ages ago that you used your doctor toys dwn there?" im not sure shed remember that specific incident. So if I hear her saying "i want to play in my room, by myself" again then i'll obviously be watching and if she goes to do the same thing then i'd approach it then.

It's really difficult because 1 major thing for me is that I want her to be open and honest with me and not be ashamed talking about these things as I was with my mum! Even to this day my mum hates talking about sex and all things related haha! I was soo scared to tell my mum I was on the pill anyway so I guess its just figuring out how and when to approach it!

 

[EcoMama]

I'm yet to reach this age with my dd, but she does happily sit on the sofa and play with herself, using her fingers, when she has no nappy on. I tend to redurect her atm, she's only 20 months. But not sure how to tackle when she's older... All I know is that if it didnt feel good then the human race would be extinct by now, so it is normal

 

[sethsmummy]

since she tells you she wants to go "play" just tell her "thats ok but please dont use your toys or put anything in there".. you just have to keep reassuring her that its ok as long as shes not inserting things that could get stuck.

my eldest son has started doing this and i was really worried till i spoke to other parents. he now knows its ok to do on his own in his room but nowhere else. xx

 

[mum140381]

i would say something like dont put toys down there or anything because they will get dirty and smell like wee wee . i do say to mine dont mess with your bums or each others bums because its not nice xx

 

[tinkerbelle93]

My son is 3 and a half and the same.. he's also very secretive about it and likes to shut his bedroom door or hide under his covers. Tbh it did freak me out at first and I'm still not very comfortable with it.. but I've read that it is normal for his age (and even younger toddlers) to explore and discover that touching themselves in a certain way is pleasurable. It's not 'sexual' because they don't know what sex and sexual feelings are yet. I've also read that for a toddler it's extremely unlikely to suggest abuse or anything untoward has been happening.

Deal with it by distracting her with another activity.. it's important not to make a fuss about it or let your child see it as being 'wrong' or shameful. I really do understand the worry you've felt though! xx

 

[BethK]

I would just let her know that it's ok to talk to you about these things, it's perfectly normal and it's good she's doing it in private.

I'd also reiterate that it's not ok to use toys or anything else as they may get stuck and she may get ill if she gets an infection. I'd tell her to just use her hands if she wants to feel down there but to make sure she washes them well afterwards.

 

[m_t_rose]

I would approach it by telling her it is unsafe to put anything not meant to go into your body into your body. Don't just focus on her vagina but her nose and ears as well.

 

[Tasha]

I wouldn't use the word dirty even in relation to the toys getting dirty. Children can easily misunderstand and dirty isn't something you'd want her to associate her vagina or sexual feelings (later on) in the long term. I would focus on the hurting her self and explaining that any time we touch down there, that the same rules apply as after using the toilet.