Please Help!-telling mom

[Mummy2Be_at20]

(I posted this in first tri as well, but thought that maybe you girls would be able to give me more advice since you are most likely going through what i am.)

So i'm telling my mom today, and i'm basically freaking out . I'm scared how she's going to react she basically thinks the absolute worse of me all the time for no reason. She pretty much thinks i'm a wild drinker/alcoholic/promiscuous woman, and not because she's warranted in believing it but just because thats how she is. I'm a college student and when she found out I was drinking at a party she completely flipped out on how "she can't believe i'm going down that road" etc. Even though i've been drunk maybe a total of 2-3 times and i'm a junior. Now that i'm pregnant, even though yeah it wasn't planned, I feel like she is just going to go crazy! Last year I planned to move out at 19 and I told her I wasn't going back to college because I wanted to instead go to cosmetology school, she actually tried to get physically violent with me (and obviously ended up not letting me switch what i wanted to do). Me and my OH have discussed what we should do and decided that I should move to NC to be with him since he's in the airforce and will be the primary income in the household, and raise the baby their, and I know that my mom is going to end up going crazy when she finds out that not only am I pregnant, but i'm moving 6 hours away, and getting married eventually as well.

She's on her way home now, and i'm practically hyperventilating, I bought a cute card about being a grandma and was going to give it to her to tell her that way, but now it seems completely inappropriate since I know she's going to hate everything i'm about to say. She was 19 when she got pregnant with me and 20 when she had me and my family was still there for her, but i know that i can't depend on her in this case and I find it so unfair. I just don't know what to do.

 

[MummyMana]

Its best to just tell her, keep it positive I read an amazing quote once, "there's worse things in life than babies"

At the end of the day if she already thinks your such an awful person I doubt she can get any worse. and at least she won't have to worry about you getting drink anymore :L

Good luck!

 

[Mummy2Be_at20]

Its best to just tell her, keep it positive I read an amazing quote once, "there's worse things in life than babies"

At the end of the day if she already thinks your such an awful person I doubt she can get any worse. and at least she won't have to worry about you getting drink anymore :L

Good luck!

thats true, but my mom has always been that way. Even when I was younger, she was a very toxic person in my life. I think she means well, but she doesn't communicate in a healthy way at all. She was physically violent with me several times growing up, and I don't know where all that rage came from, but it made me less welcoming towards her and scared to tell her things, which is what she complains of now. She complains that I don't call her often when i'm away from home, which is true, but she doesn't understand the reason why or the role she played in making me this way. Senior year of high school, i was late for home room and the school called and reported me absent. Even though I was at school. Yeah I had skipped a few days, I had just turned 18 and was able to sign myself out so I thought it was pretty awesome to skip a class here and there and go hang out at starbucks with friends. Well my mom apparently thought I never showed up for school, so my stepdad came to pick me up and i didn't know it but my mom was in the back seat. He was questioning me about school, and i was answering (because I actually did go to school that day) and my mom went crazy and tried to actually fight me. I ended up with scratches all over my arms and I hid from her and called a friend to get me. She never apologized for what she did, but when I came home was mad that I had left.

 

[MummyMana]

When are you planning on telling her?

 

[ClairAye]

I wasn't in a good situation when I fell pregnant first time. My mum was fuming, yes. But she got over it within a few weeks! Best to just get it over and done with

 

[Mummy2Be_at20]

Well basically she got extremely upset, made a few comments about Maxs skin color, then made me call and tell my grandma. They made me go out to eat with them then my grandmother told me I needed to "book an appointment to take care of it" she and my mom told me I have no reason to keep it and that I should get an abortion. Then they revealed to me that after my mom had me at19-20. She had gotten pregnant again and had an abortion. Then my grandma revealed she also had an abortion (which my mom was shocked by.) They then gave me until Tuesday of next week to make "the right decision" (which is obviously abortion to them). And said when I decide Tuesday to get my abortion they will take me Thursday to the center. And that its not painful its like having a pap smear. They told me on the off chance I decide to ruin my life by having the baby, they will not help me at all. They will not buy anything,nor ever keep the baby, and will be disappointed in my decision.

 

[mstennischick]

u need to do whatever is right for you, but you shouldn't let your parents have any say in it. If you do have this baby, you're going to end up loving it more than you've ever loved any one before, including your mother. She will get over it if you decide to keep it, i promise. Plus, you're moving away to north carolina with a boy who loves you. seriously, do what is right for you. I'm pro choice and I think we will all support you either way, but please, don't just do it because of your mother. You will regret it when you're older.

 

[xforuiholdonx]

Thats a very disgusting response from your mother. Dont you dare do that if you dont want to. Your hoyfriend supports you and thats matters atvthis point. Screw that!

 

[ClairAye]

That's disgraceful! It's 100% your choice. Don't let them pressure you! Hope you're okay

 

[skyesmom]

hey love, your mother had you and she has no right to ban you from having your baby, you can as well tell her that. and move to your boyfriend's as soon as you can. they BOTH will come around. when they realize how old you are and that you can make your own decisions. but don't let ANYONE talk you into that. ANYONE.

and it's not like a pap smear. you carry a wound in your heart forever for having aborted your baby.

 

[MummyMana]

Why do they think you having a baby has anything to do with them? Your a grown woman who has the right do do whatever you any with your life if she thinks that having children ruins your life, i'm sorry but that says a lot about her parenting skills :/

 

[omgbaby]

Praying for you.

 

[krys]

I can not believe your family is treating you this way. If I were you, I would definitely move with your boyfriend and get away from them. You're an adult, you aren't 13! (no offense to any 13 year olds that might be in here...) I just can't believe they would try to force that decision on you! I'm sure once your baby is born they will love him or her, but the way they're acting now is completely inappropriate and unnecessary.

 

[Mummy2Be_at20]

*So I posted this in first Tri as well*

I know and I just keep feeling pressure by my family to not keep my baby. Like today was my great grandfathers 88th birthday so my entire family got together and my cousin was there (she's a grad student) and she was telling the family how she applied to museums in Italy, and the Louvre in France and the whole time I could feel my moms gaze on me as if she were disappointed that instead of working in a foreign country I was pregnant instead. I feel so ashamed of being pregnant and not happy at all, but I love my baby and I love the thought of being a mother, and couldn't stomach not having my baby with me...I'm just so torn up. My family is so judgmental. They believe without a shadow of a doubt that if I keep the baby I will become a "statistic" and be an unwed mother, college drop out, and on welfare. My mom even told me that if I wanted to keep the baby she would take me to apply for welfare and WIC and then would be disappointed in me and that I would be one of "those" mothers. I feel like I can still go to school and accomplish what I want to do. I never even planned on having a super career and being this crazy career woman jetsetting between countries...I wanted to go to cosmetology school for pete's sake and now because of my mom, i'm working towards a degree as a lawyer. I know that it would be hard and it would take me a little while to get back on my feet. But I also know that it CAN be done...I just can't stand the thought of having to choose between my family (and disgracing them) and my baby. I'm an emotional wreck right now.

 

[krys]

It absolutely can be done. If you set your mind to it, you can do anything. It might take you a little longer to finish, but you're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Once your baby is here you'll see that they mean more than any career, any trip, anything.

 

[krys]

Plus, when you're forty your kids will be older and independent, and you can do all the traveling you want!

 

[Mummy2Be_at20]

Plus, when you're forty your kids will be older and independent, and you can do all the traveling you want!

oh thats true! I never even thought of it like that. And plus we can still travel at a young age and have fun experiences, besides when baby gets here i doubt that will be on the forefront of my mind anyway. My mom talks about how the baby will come first as if its a bad thing! I want my baby to come first and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[krys]

Plus, when you're forty your kids will be older and independent, and you can do all the traveling you want!

oh thats true! I never even thought of it like that. And plus we can still travel at a young age and have fun experiences, besides when baby gets here i doubt that will be on the forefront of my mind anyway. My mom talks about how the baby will come first as if its a bad thing! I want my baby to come first and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Everything will change, but it will be amazing! You'll be more worried about trips to Disneyland and zoo's, and there's nothing wrong with that Kids are so much fun!

 

[skyesmom]

hey dear, your mom was your age when she had you. did she fall into the "statistic", was she on wellfare and was she a dropout? if yes, she has NO RIGHTS to tell u what to do and act disappointed. if no, she still has NO RIGHTS to tell u what to do and act disappointed.

and by the way, you shouldn't do cosmetology for Pete's sake or a law school for your mom's sake. the ONLY school and career you should choose is the one that YOU like. law school is tough on its own and it's a bit like a med school: if you do it for other people's sake you'll end up hating it (and this goes for every career you choose for somebody else instead of your own self!!!), and the studies will be even harder because u got no real interest into it; if you do it just for money you'll end up hating it (because you'll be obliged to work in a field that doesn't interest you);... if you do it for yourself because it's your passion to be a lawyer or a doctor and help people... you'll be happy and fulfilled...

...this goes for any choice of your studies. what you study becomes your job later. and you spend most of your day there. and if u don't like it or do it to make someone else happy and not disappointed, well, it's a recipe for an unhappy life.

you are not here to please your mother. or anyone else. it takes courage and a ton of balls to endure someone's disappointment in order to follow the truth in your heart... but it is the ONLY right way.

so keep your baby if that is what you want. and go on with your studies - the ones YOU want. and you'll see both are possible!
and it is true - by the age of 35 you'll have a teenager, by the age of 38-40 a grown up teen... like you are now... and trust me, you'll have all the time in the world to do what you want, travel, build a career and so on... this is a big advantage the young mom have and aren't aware of at all.

what you "lose" or "miss out" in your teens you gain in your late '30s and trust me, by that time you learn so much that you enjoy all those things so much more. i'd never trade 25 for 18 or 35 for 18 over my dead body!!

 

[MummyMana]

You shouldn't feel ashamed of being pregnant at all! Not everyone wants a career, but everyone should have the right to follow their dreams, not follow their parents dreams! My ambition is to be a housewife my Mum.s ambition for me is the same. But that's not because i'm doing what she wants me to do. That's because she wants me to do what I want to do. And that's the way parents should be!