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Discussion in 'Postnatal Support' started by ALY, May 17, 2009.
I am so lost.
looks like u hav kids same age as mine.its v hard
its normal hun. while on tablets i feel v numb
I was wondering if someone could help me out as I feel really lost. I'm not sure if I'm suffering from PTSD or PND, or just suck at being a mum!
After a very difficult labour (2failed epidurals, 2 hours of agonising pushing, an episiotomy, then forcep delivery to an unknown at the time, back to back baby which resulted in a 4th degree tear) I was taken to theatre after only 10 minutes skin to skin for two and a half hours. The first few days of being home are a complete blur but since then i have struggled. I have literally spent the past six weeks regretting my decision to have children, and even worse (I apologise if I offend anyone here) but wished something would happen to my little girl. I have walked out the house leaving her with my husband, I've cried my heart out for days pining for my old life,
I've even got to the point where I have sat with a knife ready to hurt myself. The rational side of me knows its stupid, and I would never do it, but then again, what if I do? I've told my hv who has said that its early days yet, she doesn't think I need tablets. I seen my GP last week and she said the same. I really don't know what to do!?? I have good days where I look at her and cry cos I love her so much and can't believe that I wished she was gone. But then I go straight back to hating being near her.
Could the traumatic delivery be the cause? Could the lack of skin to skin have made it worse? Please someone help me find some answers. Please
i felt the same hun! how ridiculous that the hv/gp shrug off something so serious. i had v intrusive thoughts id happily have slit my wrist and im not like that iv never had any problems mentally. 1st baby i had pnd 2nd i was convinced it was postnatal psychosis. thankfully some strong prozac pills have helped a great deal and im on the mend
pnd is awful hun. u need to talk to people about it.
i got to the point id cringe at the thought of my baby touching me then the guilt would kick in. then i felt love and then the minute baby cried id go back to hating life again
currently sat waiting for the counselling help line to call me back, this week ive come to the conclusion that i have pnd
id always found it hard being out with the baby, worried that he needed a feed, or what would happen if he started screaming and just felt safe when i was at home. fed up with my constant stomach cramps and back pain, then realised that my jaw is clamped shut i actually cant relax at the moment, im constantly hunched up tight
i dont enjoy being out and about and feel happy when i see my diary is clear
i internet shop everything as i dont want to have to go out
i cry a lot
ive accused my husband of not helping with the baby etc
i panic about finances and the house not being tidy when they are fine
i feel like ive bottled up so much in the last 4 months and its just suddenly hit me
in the last month of my pregnancy - diagnosed with polyhydramios and transverse lie, retook gestational diabetes test which was fine, then told i was being admitted sent home for stuff then hour later sent home. rescan booked then told breech and poly not as bad as it was, and bullied into an ecv which i regretted and they turned him back transverse. so then back at risk of being admitted. sent home and told to wait for a phonecall with a c section date. this never happened and turned out they had lost my papers, i then was booked in for a further scan and that night i was admitted to be told i was having the baby two days later. i was given the cannuler (needle in hand) which i didnt want it and told her but she insisted and my blood shot up the walls, later found out it was completley not needed. the birth was amazing and completely relaxed and amazing, and the immediate aftercare was wonderful, but lacked support with breastfeeding afterwards, i couldnt breastfeed he wouldnt latch on, and found moving to formula traumatic, and knew something wasnt right with him and was turned away 5 times by the doctors, nothing wrong with him in the end i took him to a and e and hes now under paediatric care, for gord and dairy intolernce, hes now a very happy boy!
hes now 16 weeks and im a confident mum, i completely dote on my little boy and miss him when he sleeps, i have no self harm or thoughts about the baby and feel that i am not overly worried about him ie not thinking he has this or that
but now i look back at the things that have been said and done which makes me feel sad
my mum being there when i was trying to breast feed made me feel uncomfortable and i didnt want her to be there
the midwives told me not to worry that the baby hadnt woken up for a feed, then hours later he we thrust on me telling me to feed my baby, being milked like a cow
and not talking me through what they were doing and why
visitors that stayed for hours, i was making people lunch 4 days after surgery??
im angry that my husband went back to work 2 days after he was born and that he left me to deal with the baby over night when he should have slept at the hospital
the health visitor who contradicted herself all the time and patronized me made me cross
people telling me i should be going to baby groups
people thrusting on their second hand tat on me
the doctors telling me my baby was fine, and how was i feeling, he doesnt have reflux hes not being sick, or have blood in his nappy, you must be overfeeding him
give him orange juice and water, dont give him orange juice, try comfort milk, dont try comfort milk all the conflicting storys
my dad forcing himself round because he was so excited to bring presents for the baby and although i told him the midwife was coming, he instisted and when the times got changed he paced around the garden and i rushed through time with the midwife and help with breastfeeding because of him.
dad saying things like are you overfeeding him. we dont want a fat baby. if youd have listened to me from day one and put him on his tummy he wouldnt have reflux. he must have reflux because hes on formula its because you havent breastfed. (i promise he loves me and isnt an arse hes just ill informed and insensitive)
i had my in laws friends turning up on the doorstep the day after i was home i didnt even know who they were! at one point my mother in law was here, the door went she opened the door and let them in.
having to tell people that what they are doing isnt what i want for the baby feels impossible
wheni say to mum im worried about him eating too much, because he has silent reflux he overeats to sooth the pain, so it was always very hard to guess what to do, she would tell me i was worried because of my weight issues oh jesus, and when she babysat we got back to her saying i know youll be cross but look how much he ate, hes just been hungry she actually thought that my baby was hungry all that time!
when i would say that he wasnt happy id get babies cry!
i guess im angry that i was turned away so many times, and to everyone when i said something was wrong they all thought i was nuts, and obsessing and an over worried mother, and i put my heart and soul into working out what was wrong with him and now they see that he was unwell and how amazing he is now, and it makes me sad to think that no one can say what a good job i did, no one will say oh blimey you were right on that one, and i feel the doctors owe me an apology for wasting so much of that precious time.
i think that its been a lot of stuff thats gone on and its just finally got me, ive never taken anti depressants before , but if i get offered them do they help? im booked for some cbt sessions through my health care, as i really want to over come all this,
this is meant to be the happiest time of my life, i dont understand why i feel so tense and sad and low
oh hun. I was given a prescription for anti ds but never took them as i just kept saying to myself that things must get better. they have gotten a lot better once my lg got over her 'colic' she now has predictable feeds sleeps alot better and is happy when awake. the thing is that although i am getting sleep and B is alot easier to care for i still feel really low. I am lonely and hate when my oh leaves for work as i miss him!?
I love being a mum too and even when my oh is here with me i still do all the childcare but for some reason i just hate being alone. I look forward to his two days off and for the weekend when my mum usually pops over.
Everyone thrusts baby clubs on me too and i am starting to think i have to go to one as 3/4 days a week i am alone all day and night and its starting to get to me.
I too dont like going to busy places incase she screams etc but i feel like i have to get over this fear otherwise i am going to be miserable for the rest of my mat leave!
How do you know when you have moved on from baby blues to PND????
I ask this as I am really struggling and it doesn't seem to be improving. I had what was for me a very traumatic birth ending in surgery having a spinal and forceps delivery.
When I first saw ds I did have that rush of "it was all worth it" and even said that to DH. Since being home though..... Not so good.
I was exhausted and dh was doing pretty much everything whilst he was on paternity. I then found out I have entrodemisiosis and was losing lots more blood than I should (including a huge blood clot the size of a strawberry) I started antibiotics and started to feel I had more energy back and just "got on with it" when it came to ds as dh went back to work.
The problem for me is I am convinced ds has reflux as he is showing EVERY sign, but when ever people visit he just sleeps and they think hes as good as gold and very contented baby. Which unfortunatly he is not being actually hysterical half the day n night with no warning at all.
I have gotten to the point of actually hating my baby. I dont want to be near him and hate everything he does (like stupid things like putting his hands in way of his mouth n crying cause the bottle isnt in it) I spend all day praying he wont wake up n cry cause I just dont wamt to deal with him. I am also feeling lots of anxiety about leaving the house alone. When dh is with me its not so bad n i deal with it. But I havent dared to leave the house on my own with him yet as I am just petrified of him crying or something.
He just started crying again cause of lower gas (which i cant help) the reason for this is his last feed everytime i tried to wind him he would get hysterical which prevented me from doing so. I fed him upright so slightly less gassy but just put him down when he went to sleep. So he was just screaming at me n i couldnt cope his dummy would keep him quiet as he just wanted to fart but he would pull it out with his hands so i gave up.... Left him crying n dh just had to come sort him out.
I actually feel like i should have never got pregnant n I have ruined our lives by wanting a baby. I already miss my prebaby life with my husband n feel like all im doingis wasting money on formula and nappies!!!
Please someone tell me im notgoing crazy??? I feel terrible as dh is having to do so much plus work a 60+ hour week!!!
This is exactly what I dealt with. I was told if the baby blues last longer than 3-4 weeks then it could be a sign of pnd. Definitely talk to your doctor. All i needed was a low dose of anti depressants to get back on track to who I was. On top of the difficult delivery and rapid change in hormones, having a baby is a huge change in your life. Those first few weeks or months are hard. And they're hard for your baby too, adjusting to understand life outside of the womb. I remember my baby screaming and being miserable for me but was a perfect angel for everyone else. I felt like the worst mom ever and I hated every minute. Then I observed and saw how calm everyone else was with him. I was too stressed and he could sense it. Sometimes you just have to walk away, breathe, and go back to them. Do not feel bad asking for help. I never knew how difficult the recovery process would be and I think that was the source of a lot of my depression in addition to having to take care of a new baby all the time. It does get easier, definitely contact your doctor about your concerns.
Wtbmommy: I'm so happy I read your thread here. A lot of it is exactly how I've been feeling.
I was going to talk to my dr but that week I had been feeling pretty good. Now gain I'm feeling like crap
I too had a traumatic birth with forcepts and a ton of complications since.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone cause they won't understand
I know I love my baby but sometimes I start to wonder what have we done? I miss my old life. I look at what I would have been doing right now. I used to ride all the time ( I compete with my horses) I've been off them since October. I'm dying to get back on. I've seen them 2 times since having my boy.
I also wonder if I would have felt this way had I had a girl.
I don't know if I have pnd or not.
I'm now 6 weeks postpartum and still cry randomly about this. Although not as much
Big hugs I felt like that after lil was born same kind of birth
It's going okay here I'm just really worried about getting pnd again after this one and the birth is really worrying me
I feel completely in a fog filled with anxiety. Anyone else yet brain fog like symptoms with PND?
I felt like this. I honestly remember very little from my son's first 3 months. He's 8 months now and things are so much better. Hugs to you Hon! I had a tough birth and traumatic situations happened after as well and i think that's where a lot of my anxiety/depression symptoms came from. Talking helps a lot and its ok if you need help from a dr or need to take medication. The Dr i saw helped me a lot and said to make sure i took time away from the baby for myself. She even told my dh to ensure i did so. It helped tremendously even to go for a coffee alone. It will get better.
Well I had things under control. At least tolerable. Now we have just moved into our farm house finally and I keep having meltdowns. Feeling like I did after he was born. Like in a terrible mom and have screwed up everyone's life by wanting a farm and my horses home.
I'm hating the house. We lived here before in a different room when hubby's family rented. I know it is likely the anxiety and depression. I get a day a week to myself and hubby is trying hard.
Feel like crap lately.
Im now 4 months PP. I am yet to get out of a crazy emotional blast. Seriously, what we think could never happen with us, definitely happens with us for sure. Failing to breastfeed baby as soon as she was born, seeing her getting pricked to test blood sugar levels , set me on a huge wave of emotional distress , thus bringing in PND. My symptoms included :
1. crying over no reason.
2. uninterested in taking care of myself.
3. fighing with husband.
4. unhappy all the time.
I was depressed off and on during pregnancy and it took a whole new dimension once DD was born.
Hello, just wanted to add in here my experience...i am 3 weeks pp, and randomly bursting out crying and feeling like im going to be a worthless mother, that the baby hates me (i know this is silly, she loves falling asleep on my should/chest to hear my heartbeat), and will i ever get enough sleep ever again (i have narcolepsy, so sleep is very important to my mental state, though i haven't had GOOD sleep since about 3 months pregnant when i could still sleep on my stomach and baby wasn't noticeably active with kicks and flips, etc) I decided to talk to my OB just yesterday and she said my feeling are completely normal, gave me a huge hug and that to keep me from having the anxiety and from things being worse, she put me on a very low dose of a SSRI/anxiety med, Lexapro, which i am starting today...i know that just because im having trouble BF and feel like i cant pump enough doesn't make me a failure, etc...but it had become a source of stress for me, which im sure wont make the milk flow any better! i know this all gets easier, and i know that a lot of these feelings are completely normal..but it is good to have other ladies that have felt this was previously to make me feel that it will get better, and that there isnt something "wrong" because i need to take this little pill to help me out
First of all huge you've done a brilliant thing talking to your OB. There is nothing "wrong" about needing medication to help you cope with your anxiety. Birth can cause a huge chemical imbalance and the medication is needed to correct the imbalance.
Also, you must be exhausted having not slept well for so long. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask your partner/family for a break to get some sleep and sleep when the baby sleeps.
It really does get better. I've had PND with both my children, this time around, knowing it does get better, has made it more bearable.