I just wanna thank you all so much. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time at the minute Andi, i really am, i do just wanna come over and give you a great big hug
I have a fear about taking pills. I like to be in control of my own body, of my own mind. That's why i never enjoyed taking drugs or getting drunk, i lost control and didnt like it. Im petrified that by taking these anti-d's im gonna rely on them to be happy and thats not how i wanna get. I feel slightly better in that i've admitted it to people that i'm not coping. Everyone was saying how amazingly well i was doing (young mum, doing it on my own, living alone) but all along i just wasn't. I told a friend earlier as well and he put "ah well, gutted." so then i went completely up the wall. I dont know why i do the things i do. I got Jude's moses basket and threw it right across the room then i ripped his entire wardrobe out, i just threw all the clothes everywhere. Then broke down and got in the bath, and considered drowning for the second time this week. I feel like a total failure. I dont know why i cant love him, but i just cant. I know he's beautiful and i know that i SHOULD feel this undying love for him but its never seemed real, even throughout pregnancy, none of its ever been real. Its as if he's not real, i'm not real, my life isnt. The doctor described it as "a bubble" i guess it is that way, i just wanna pop it though. I want to love him, i dont want to give him up. But he deserves people that can care for him, and im scared one day ill do something i regret. I was saying earlier how i resent him for ruining my body. i just pick at the flab and think you're disgusting and thats all cos you didnt get rid of him. And i know thats not my words, or my thoughts, i just have lost myself. And i also dont eat. I cant eat. I just sit and drink lots, i cant bring myself to eat. At first i thought it was just normal to not have an appetite after giving birth and everyone just lectured me on how i need to eat but now i realise that i cant do it. It physically makes me sick. xx
EDIT-
My family are NOT helping me either. When i told my mum and nanna the sick thoughts i'd been having (wishing i'd miscarried) my nanna stormed out of the room. My mum was like "i cant understand where youre coming from at all, he's a human being, you cant just give up, i wont let you. how will the rest of the family feel if you do something like that?" and then my nanna came back in and said "i wont have you giving up, no great grandchild of mine will be adopted. look at him, just look how beautiful he is. how can you not love that?"
I just feel really bad about everything. and i feel like the people i trusted the most in the world to tell have completely turned their backs on me. Like i told my friend i was put on these "ahh its not that bad, it could have been worse." "ahh gutted" And then i get "stop moaning, get a grip" from my mum! I wish i could get a grip, i really do.
i have panic attacks in the car because i am terrified of someone crashing into us with her in the car. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of the horrible birth and the fact that they almost had to break her shoulder to get her out and the fact that I almost died coz i lost half my bodies blood- but at the same time wishing that i had lost more coz then i would've been dead. but then beating myslef up- sometimes literally- because what a selfish thought then Ella wouldn't have a mum. sometimes i wake up and think i can't be bothered being a mum today. But i find i walk around like a zombie attending to her every need, doling all her washing, bottles, etc etc i wont sit down for a 2nd everything needs to be perfectly done, and once thats done i just keep tidying the house, last night i got home at 4pm and i didnt sit down until i went to bed at 11ish, exept for expressing (tis y i am here now- expressing b4 going back to bed). and while i am running around tiring myslef out even more i am trying not to cry but then coz i feel so num i cant cry, and my veins are running hot coz im so anxious. i havent eatenm properly since i had her i have a yoghurt and a soup a day thats all i can have i have no appetite i have lost about 15 kgs. i know pple say u cant love anyone iof u dont love yourself, but its almost as if i live for ella. i dont care about myslef i just care for her. And OH ofcourse but i treat him like shit, he ends up crying coz he cant help me and he doesnt know what to do. I was mental when i was pregnant and he kept sayin g its alright the panic attacks, the sadness, eerything will go away once she is born. its bloody worse! you spend so much time being excited about this happy time but it doesnt always turn out like you plan. I am grieving terribly too. i miss being pregnant- even though i had a rough time at the end with haviong spd and being in lots of pain, but im not thinking about that anymore. i miss the excitement of going into labour, having my beautiful bump, having her wriggling inside. now its all gone. i will never have that excitement of brthing my 1st baby again. ever. the memory of it is terrifying and gives me nightmares. i know people say childbirth is traumatic but what happened to us is incredibly terrifying, even my midwife siad she hasn't had a more traumatic birth. 
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) you can always talk to me on here or facebook 
hope things get better xxxxxxx
