im quite new to this site and i thought i was getting better and i wouldnt need to pop in here but it seems i am not doing as well as i led myself to believe i am.
brief history: 4 years ago had my eldest, quite a traumatic birth ending up in a crash c-section under general and my son staying in nicu for 4 days which i still occasionally have flash backs too. diagnosed with PND by the doc but i was depressed before i even fell pregnant coz i had given up my job, family and friends to move to a foreign country to be with my hubby (who i am not separated from) when i didnt speak the language and i wasnt allowed to go out and make friends but i think the doctor counld really be bothered listening to my history so just labelled it as PND.
anyway i got over it, we moved back to the uk i got off the meds and things were looking up for me (but not my marriage) i had alot of problems with my periods and contraception so ended up back and forth to the doc and was told my ovaries had shut down and it would take at least a year of being off akll contraception before i was "back in working order" so to speak. i refused to use condoms coz i kept getting thrush and i was thinking about getting a diaphram or something but my ex wanted sex now so i just gave in. turns out i fell pregnant 3 days after seeing the doc and i didnt have sex for well over a week after i saw him so i must have fallen from the time we dtd on the morning of the docs appointment. big shock, wasnt ready, que a night of crying and thinking and worrying but by the morning i was fine had got my head round it and was exicted (except for the severe sickness that landed me in hospital again!!!)
pregnancy went well but the marriage wasnt. he walked out on us then when we got offered another 3 bed house, about twice the size of the one we were in he suddenly changed his mind and said he would move back in when we moved into the new house. 6 days after we moved in december 2008 we came back up to scotland for xmas leave and i was staying up here till i had baby in feb coz my ex refused to be there at the birth unless i had another c-section so my hands were tied coz i felt i needed him there. in actual fact, he didnt want anything to chnge "down there" and he couldnt explain to his girlfriend in the next city his sudden appearance if i was to go into spontaneous labour. he spent 3 days with us (well my mum looked after our 2 year old and he came to see me for an hour max for the first 3 days i was in hospital before he had to "go back to work" and would get his paternity leave when i came back down to england 6 weeks after the birth. turns out he was taking his paternity leave after bubs birth but spent it with his girlfiend instead of his family. after loads of fights over th phone i decided i was leaving him and when he came back up to collect me and take me home i told him it was over and my mum took him to the bus stop to get the bus to his mums (the car was in my name and had so far been paid for by my parents) turns out he had come up at least 1 day before and had spent a couple days with the gf before coming to see me and my kids.
separation, homelessness, ex wiping the bank account leaving me penniless que PND again. its now been 17 months and this past couple of weeks i have been feeling so so low again. i feel so guilty that my parents are paying for a car for me so i have a bit of freedom and can tke my kids to their hospital appointments. i feel so scared tht my ex, who has never really bothered with the kids and hasnt seen them since before we split, has suddenly decided he wants to see them and is goinbg to be up in area in the next few days will try to find me and the kids. im totally terrified.
everything i seem to say or do at the moment goes wrong. kids are getting on my nerves fighting with each other all the frickin time!!! my house is a mess (untidy not unclean!) but i have no motivtion to even try to tidy it. i dont know where to start. i didnt want to get out of bed this morning but if i dont then who is going to look after the kids? i feel like im existing not living and i cant see any way out. i want a job but any jobs going need you to work evenings and weekends. as a single parent i cant do that coz the boys nursery isnt open after half 6 or at weekends. i feel discriminated against coz i cant work then not simply that i dont want to but then again its not fair to have one rule for single parents and another for everyone else. i lost out on a job i was move than qualified for that i would have loved simply because i COULDNT work 4 in every 6 saturdays. i want a life. i want freedom. i want a future for me and my kids and i cannot see anyway that i can give that to them.
sorry to go on for so long. i dont know whether this has helped or not. only time will tell i guess. i dont really need anyone to reply i just wanted to write it all down so i can come back to it later and see if i can make sense of my muddled head for once in my life!!
. Hopefully your GP should be able to advise you about tyreating PND whilst continuing BF. Hope things get better for you. Thomas is gorgeous.
what were your first signs you had PND? x
for me I was very very down all the time, tired however much I slept, cried loads, had frequent thoughts of self harm and felt inadiqute (sp) as a mum... I felt like Luke deserved a better mum that I was. If you think you might have pnd then you should go to the gp or hv as soon as possible and you should feel free to text me anytime and you can even call me if you want 
x
and he is going away again tomorrow and i said im at the doctors at 3 and he said 'bring noah round at 2 then' 
