postnatal depression???

[freddiesmum]

I feel like i am going completely out of my mind!!
During the whole time fred was in hospital i hardly ever cried, other than when they tole me he had NEC, all you ever hear from that diagnosis is "its not good"!! Since we've been home, whenever im with anyone else im fine, happy, bubbily me, as soon as im on my own i cry!
I cry for me and i cry for freddie, on what we were both robbed off, me a healthy pregnancy and him a happy healthy start in life! I keep on thinking off him by himself every night in hospital on his own and I hate myself for it, im his mummy and i shouldve been there, we shouldn't have been separated so early on! I blame myself everyday, that maybe I couldve done something to prevent it from happening, that somehow, for some reason my body failed him!! Not knowing why is the worse part!
And then i feel guilty for feeling this way because he's fine, there's nothing "touch wood" wrong with him and i know there are people far worse off then we are!!
I feel like im going crazy, I can't talk to OH because he says im selfish and to get over it but i cant get over it, I feel so alone!!
Just... I suppose... feeling sorry for myself.
Sorry xxx

 

[AP]

(((hugs))) it's really common for a prem mum to stay strong and go on auto pilot - and when LO comes home you start to think about what's actually happened.

I didn't give in at how down I was til about 5 months corrected. I went to the doc and there I explained, right there in the seat I realised I should have got the help I needed long before.

The HV should have got you a postnatal depression questionnaire, but a doc can do one too. Be completely honest. I lied first time but when I was honest I got the help I needed to help me on my feet again and be the best I could be for Alex x

 

[toothfairyx]

I had this and it started 4 weeks after he was born. I could not stop crying when I was alone and my head was a mess. I needed everything to seem as normal as possible after he was born and I even went back to work a week after as I wasn't really in a position to finish work at the time. After a day of tears after he was born I also didn't shed a tear in hospital except for the time I arrived to be told they suspected NEC too. My OH was very concerned about how odd I was being and more or less sent me to my GP straight away and I also cancelled all my patients and finished up at work.
My GP said this was extremely common in these circumstances and was due to shock and extreme stress and that the situation was depressing rather than PND. You are not alone, and please go and see your doctor. My only bad news in hospital was the NEC scare which turned out to be nothing and like you I felt guilty for being so emotional when everyone around me was telling me I had a healthy baby and it was obvious. That did my head in!!
How you describe your feelings is so so similar to how I felt, and I'm sure loads here will relate to you. I had some treatment which seemed to stop me crying so that was good, not sure it helped with me feeling more at peace with things, that just took time. Happy to chat more about it if you want to xx

 

[lozzy21]

It sounds like you feel quite similar to how i do and i dont have PND but i do have a form of PTSD. If you can hold it together when others are there then its probably not PND because that would be all the time. Go have a chat with your GP, it sounds like you might benefit from some counselling.

 

[freddiesmum]

Thanks ladies x
I last saw my health visitor 4weeks ago, thats the only time shes ever been to see us, she asked me if i felt depressed n then laughed and said 'cause your not depressed hes 11weeks old', nothing of the mention he had been in hospital 10weeks!! Ive never been offered my postnatal check up!! I just need someone to talk to, that understands and listens instead of saying 'hes fine now' x

 

[lozzy21]

Go see your GP, mine was the first person i spoke to that made me feel it was ok to feel the way i was feeling.

 

[toothfairyx]

Hope I don't offend anyone but I think health visitors are the biggest waste of time and tax payer money. The number of times you hear stupid things from them! You should have your 6 week check with your GP anyway so get yourself booked in, I remember they didn't contact me for it, I had to go myself.
I know exactly what you mean about the listening bit, people think they are helping you by trying to reassure you but I just found it infuriating x

 

[toothfairyx]

Go see your GP, mine was the first person i spoke to that made me feel it was ok to feel the way i was feeling.

Me too. I think you will find your GP very understanding.

 

[pink.crazy]

Big hugs hun xxxx I had a big blip, in fact it was around the same time! Sounds weird but I think since Leo started smiling, giggling, and his personality came shining through my guilt really started to ease. He's ok about me touching his feet, we're getting there with the nose wipey thing and it's made so much difference. I don't think he remembers any of that nasty stuff now, he is such a happy go lucky little guy and he knows he's very loved.
It's totally normal to feel like you've let them down, I felt really bad at times, I was ok in the hospital but the slightest thing would make me blub, like when I turned up during the Dr's rounds and I couldn't get in to see him straight away! But it was afterwards, when he came home and settled that I started feeling down and couldn't shake it off. I still get times now when I have moments.It really does help me to go to the Adapt coffee mornings though.. even though we don't really chat about anything in particular, it helps to be around people with similar circumstances. It also helps that I'm still in touch with a friend from neonatal and her lil boy. Me and you are so close really, it'd be daft if we didn't meet up!! We really have to one day xx

 

[pink.crazy]

I just need someone to talk to, that understands and listens instead of saying 'hes fine now' x

This gets to me too! Yes, he's "ok" now, but it doesn't change what WE'VE been through, and continue to go through!

 

[freddiesmum]

Amie it would be great to meet up one day, the nxt coffee morning you go to let me know! Thank you ladies, im so glad that i found you all because if anyone knows what we go through its each other x

 

[bob2331]

oh sweetheart, i think what your going through is normal. I managed 'fine' until harry was 12 weeks then it all got too much. To cut a long story short, i wanted to be with Connor. To this day, im still on a long of meds to try and help. I didnt tell anyone that i wasnt coping, i didnt really realise it myself until the last minute. I met my health visitor for the first time when Harry was 4 months old! Helpful! I think not!

They say talking helps so use and abuse us (in a nice way) talk about how your feeling, dont bottle it up and remember never think Freddio coming early is your fault because im sure that we have all be guily of blaming ourselves for that xxx

 

[pink.crazy]

Amie it would be great to meet up one day, the nxt coffee morning you go to let me know! Thank you ladies, im so glad that i found you all because if anyone knows what we go through its each other x

That's so so true xx

 

[Agiboma]

I feel like im going crazy, I can't talk to OH because he says im selfish and to get over it but i cant get over it, I feel so alone!!

Yes i went through this too my son is almost 1 year actual now and tbh i am just starting to feel better. OH on the other hand got over it long time ago sooo unfair men i think just reason differently from us but talk to your doctor i know i did and i ended up in a post natal depression help group and also saw a counsellor for a while

 

[mumof2kids]

It's not ever easy with any baby let alone a perm one I had mine at 26 weeks I was very emotional through the time he was in hospital but I used to talk to hubby. Once I brought him home I started feeling very down and lonely, I'm having alotnof support of my family and friends, talking does seriously help. Also breaks from my lil one and spending time with my hubby even if it's one hour makes me feel refreshed.

 

[PrincessPea]

I think a lot of what you are feeling is 'normal' for preemie mums hun. I know I felt a lot of what you are feeling. It does get easier but if you are at the point you are struggling to cope then your GP is prob your best bet. HV!!! Dont get me started!! Mine has been in my house twice and one of those times was before Jessica was even home! I cant tell you it goes away because I still get spells where I struggle with all the emotions but it definitely gets easier. As pink said once you start seeing their wee personalities coming out more that really helps.

We are all here for you dear, even on fb, I wouldnt have got and still be getting thru this without these lovely ladies. I find it really helps to have some preemie mum friends too as they are the only ones that know what you are going through and dont care if you go over and over the story a zillion times!

hugs hun. xxx

 

[MissMuffet08]

wow so glad this thread was started, because i thought i was the only one. i too got "blue" after katelyn came home. i still feel guilty and sometimes wonder if she is happy home or would rather be back in the nicu. i am glad i can share these feelings and know i am not alone

 

[katy1310]

Big hugs

Sophie was 6 months corrected, 9 months actual when I finally admitted I was struggling. It took my mum to suggest to me that I might have PND for me to actually admit it to myself. I went to the doctor and he put me on anti depressants and referred me for counselling. Both the dr and the counsellor told me it's very common for preemie mums to get PND, and often PTSD as well, and also for it to kick in late - you cope all the time your baby is in hospital because you have no choice but to cope...then you get home and everything returns to "normal", the really scary bit is past, and then your body decides it just can't cope any more.

It's only now, 15 months after Sophie arrived, that I'm finally beginning to feel a bit more like my old self, but I still have my moments, and deep down, I still blame myself for not keeping Sophie safe inside me - even though I know there is nothing I did that caused her early arrival.

Please go and see your GP - it was one of the hardest things I've ever made myself do, but once I was sitting in that chair and started talking I was fine, and he was lovely. xx

 

[freddiesmum]

hey ladies, its so good to know im not alone. the thing is i feel so bad for max, my older son, hes 3 and my OH. one minute im happy and the next im cross for no reason, my poor boy doesnt know if hes coming or going and then i get so mad at myself for getting mad at him i break down and cry and hes like "why are you upset mummy? im sorry" and its not his fault. I feel like im barely holding it together behind closed doors!
last night we went to a bbq as im finally starting to go out and and socialise with freddie, before ive kept him indoors ALL the time, and my OH was explaining what had happened at delievery and i had to walk away, i could feel myself starting to well up and cry. We saw freds consultant the other day and he was saying how well he look from the last time he saw him, which was when he put his chest drains in at birth, and i was like "shit i very very nearly lost him", it hadnt even occured to to me!
I dont feel there is enough support for preemie moms, the HV is aload of SHITE and the docs dont particually know what they are doing! If I went in and told him how i was feeling i think he would be like "AND?", i dont know, face to face i could never admit how im feeling, i dont talk to anyone, not my OH, my mum, my sisters, I just cant admit im not coping!
I hope all you ladies are well xx

 

[lozzy21]

Do you have a female GP at your doctors, iv found they are a lot more easy to talk to than male's.