Pre-teen boy! Help! Only gets shouting.

[Wombat]

Hi girls,

I am really fed up with the behavior of my 9 year old.

Problem nr. 1.

He only reacts when I shout. Example: Daniel, start cleaning up (doing your homework, brushing your teeth, get things from the car, clean up your room). 1st time, 2nd time, 3rd time - all being said calmly. Also I use "please" as in "Daniel, can you please clean up the table".
ABSOLUTELY NO REACTION.
Then: Daniel, GO AND CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM! Are you deaf!!!????!!!!!

Response is either: Why do I always have to do it?!
Or, why do you have to shout, I am doing it.

So, generally he only moves his ass when being shouted at. 80% of the time. I HATE shouting. Really do. Even when we argue with OH I never raise my voice, I just hate it (drives my OH crazy, as he says I can't argue with you when you stay calm).

He is a bit better when he is alone, without his brother, but when two together is impossible. DS2, thankfully doesn't have it yet and is still a very good boy.

Problem nr. 2:

Started being rude.
As in: Daniel, go do your homework. Response: Go and do it yourself if you need it. (just one example, but it can be regarding everything, starting from helping bringing the bags in). Just being rude.

These are two main things, which are driving me crazy.

He started to have daily time outs in the naughty corner. I absolutely do NOT tolerate rudeness and he gets punished.

And, another thing, if I start telling him off, sometimes, instead of apologizing, he just stands there smiling. As if it is such a fun a thing.
(At those moment I really want to slap him hard. I do not, but, God, temptation is great).

Is it the dreaded pre puberty thing?! And HOW ON EARTH to deal with it!

PS: he doesn't have any gadgets, like phone to tablet, TV is limited, I spend A LOT of time with him (both of the boys) ferrying them around activities, doing homework with them, playing, cooking with them, so they are busy.
So there is nothing material to take away except toys...

PLEASE HELP!

(Do you think that maybe once a good smack would work?)

 

[Wombat]

PS: with me having to yell at him to listen it is always a controlled yelling, if it makes sense. I do not loose my temper, it's more likek, I said it nicely 5 Times, now it is time to raise my voice. I actually have to make myself raise it, as I truly hate yelling, but at the moment nothing else works.

And I never yell for mistakes he makes, or for forgetting things, or for breaking things in the house, etc. If he has gotten into trouble, I talk. Sternly, but without raising my voice.

 

[morri]

Just to your bracketed note, I dont think hits ever work they just make a child that age either afraid or more defiant. How long do you wait between asking?

 

[SarahBear]

With the shouting, stop repeating yourself. The repetition is the real issue as he's learning you don't mean it in that tone of voice, hence not acting until you yell. Move to consequences prior to yelling and don't repeat so much. Also tell him when he's ignoring to call him out on it. This can work wonders with some kids. If he's seeing he can get you all riled up, acting "rude" fits right in with that. Calm responses work a heck of a lot better than emotional ones. I don't even do time outs for my 3 year old, let alone a 9 year old, so I don't feel that's a positive reaction and absolutely no, I don't think you should hit your child. A calm disposition, reasonable expectations, and logical consequences go a long way. Another thing to remember is that an effective solution doesn't necessarily fix things right away. You both have habits to unlearn and that takes time.

 

[jd83]

I'll be honest, I have this problem too. I'm working on it. I think what happens is they get "trained" into not taking action until you yell, because they don't think you are serious about the request until you have yelled about it. I've started not giving so many warnings/requests. I mean it the first time I say it. if I need to request it again, I get right down in their face and ask why they aren't doing what I just asked them to do. If I get a snarky remark back about why they have to do a chore that will literally take them maybe 30 seconds, I remind them of all the chores that mommy and daddy do that takes much longer, to make sure they have clean clothes, meals, etc. Would they rather I not do all those things, because I don't feel like it? No. We have to do our chores, it's not a choice. Go do it, and then you will be done. Maybe you could try giving less warnings about doing a chore, and see how that goes. I think he's getting too many at the moment, so he thinks he can just keep putting things off for later.