Pregnant and stepdaughter has found out!!

[Stickyplum]

Hello

I am 9 weeks pregnant and we were not going to tell my husbands (10 year old) daughter until we had the scan and knew if everything was ok. We have just found out that she overheard him and his mum talking on friday but didnt say anything despite staying with us all weekend but saved it until she saw her nanna and then the tears came and how upset she is that we didnt want her to know and we were keeping it from her!!! THis isnt the first time she has done things like this rather than speaking up she waits for the person who will give her the best impact!!

My husband has invited her for the scan now and i am quite annoyed!! HE may have done all this beofre but i havent and i would have liked to do all the firsts with just him.

His family think we should have her with us at all times to do with the pregnancy but i am sorry i dont want her there for everything. They dont seem to realise that this is my first pregnancy and i need to get my head around everything but to them the whole world revolves around their little princess. To the point of hearing how she will always be the favourite etc etc!!!

I may sound terrible but i feel like they are making my pregnancy totally about her when for the first time in my life it should be about me!! She did the same at our wedding did the tears of how she missed her dad so much (despite seeing him every other weekend and never ever phoning him in 3 years we have been together) so she got bumped up to the top table to sit next to her nanna. His entire family pander to her like she is so badly treated and sometimes i just want to shake them and say oh my god !!!

Does anyone else know what this is like? can anyone help?

Thanks

Vix

 

[hypnorm]

His family think we should have her with us at all times to do with the pregnancy but i am sorry i dont want her there for everything. They dont seem to realise that this is my first pregnancy and i need to get my head around everything but to them the whole world revolves around their little princess. To the point of hearing how she will always be the favourite etc etc!!!

I may sound terrible but i feel like they are making my pregnancy totally about her when for the first time in my life it should be about me!!

Sorry this may come across a bit harsh but she is part of your family, she should be involved, as much as she can be.
If you handle it badly you could really end up with a even larger problem.
Pregnancy isn't just about you - its affect ALL your family even if you are the only one carrying the baby.
If she really wants to be involved then let her, if you push her away she will get really resentful, as this is also going to be quite hard on her too.

 

[FEDup1981]

Personally, my first thought was (and this might sound insensitive) that she should definitley not be at that first scan. You dont know whats going to happen, and if anything, God forbid, were to be wrong then the last thing you'd need is a child with you.

I hope that comes across with tact, i dont mean to scare you but its some thing you have to think about.

Im sure everything is fine, and then you should enjoy that moment alone with ur DH. Its a magical moment, and i understand that you only want ur husband by ur side. Perhaps suggest a private scan later on that she can go to? x

 

[sophxx]

I think when you strt a relationship and marry some one with a child you have to execpt that all the 1st he's already done and he has to make his child feel involded how ever hard that is for you and you might not want her there your the adult and she's the child and think how she feels she had her dad all to her self and she probably feels pushed out she's at the start of a hard age to! X

 

[LaaLaa]

Poor little kid.

She's feeling scared and left out. Did it occur to you she might have spoken to her nanna first because she thought she'd get a sympathetic ear not because she wanted to make "the best impact."?

I'd not take her to the scan, no. And I'd clamp down on any relative stupid enough to be talking about "favourites" as that's not helpful in the slightest. But she's only a child and to hear something like that secondhand - even if it was by accident was a horrible move on the part of you and her dad, you've let her down badly and she needs love and compassion not to be made to feel as if she's completely insignificant.

 

[littlekitten8]

I'm probably going to be hated for saying this but I think you guys are being a little harsh on OP. I've been in a similar situation only the stepchild was younger. And we took him to later scans but I was always slightly resentful of the fact that he had been through it before and so it wasn't as special as for me.

 

[midori1999]

When you marry someone who already has children you have to expect and accept that they will be part of your lives and they will find it hard to adjust to. Sadly, it will never be all about you, children always have to come first. Your husband should have been far more careful about discussing it before his daughter knew and I suspect he knows this and now just wants to make it up to her.

I agree it is probably not a good idea for her to go for the scan, but as she has been told she can go I think it's probably worth booking an extra private scan later on that she can attend, maybe a 3/4D one?

I'm also slightly gobsmacked that you didn't plan to have your stepdaughter on the top table at your wedding from the outset! Also, it's not up to a 7-10 year old to have to phone their Dad and him getting married to someone new must have been hard for her, especially as she was pushed out.

 

[billy2mm]

i would sit her down and explain to her that you didnt want to tell her till after the scan once you were out of the "danger zone" and that you will take her to the 20 week scan or something but the 12 week one just incase something is wrong you cant have her there. tell a little white lie and say they wont allow her to be there the doctor said so if you have to.

i understand you want this all to be about you but your dh and his daughter are a package - they come as one. when you married him you should have known you would never come first you would always be 2nd to his child.(i tell any man that came near me he wouldnt be first in my life as my boys come first and i finally found one who accepted that and understood.)

you should be excited to share this with your step daughter!

but her being told she will be the favorite is just wrong. there is no excuse for that from his family and they need to be told and put in their place.

 

[sun]

TBH I can't believe you wanted your stepdaughter to be lumped in with the regular guests and not at the main table?? That really makes it sound as if you want as little to do with her as possible. My niece was 9 when my brother got married and they had a special ceremony for her - where she and my brother welcomed my sister-in-law into the family. She will always come first - she is his child! She comes first for them both!

I agree that it's best for her not to come to the first scan, but you can't shut her out and have a little family of 3 with your husband. As much as you want it to be all about you, she came as a package deal. This time ahead is going to be tough for her - so I would definitely involve her as much as possible or you will definitely have way more problems down the road. As for those who are even talking about playing favourites - I would talk to them asap and get them to stop. That will do way more harm than good. xx

 

[Mummy2B21]

No offence but it sounds like you have issues with his daughter instead of her having issues with you, You sound a tad jealous of her, try breaking down those barriers and accepting her and you'd properly get more joy out of her instead of seeing her as a nuisence.

 

[kiwimama]

I personally wouldn't want a child at my first scan. Really just because if anything happened to be wrong, you don't want a child there hearing that or seeing everyone upset.
Could you book a private scan later on and say it is a special scan for big sisters to come to? I don't know, maybe she is too old to fall for something like that...
Ultimately, you are going to have to accept that your husbands daughter is going to be a big part of your life.

 

[special_kala]

I actually think your being a bit harsh on this little girl.

Shes only 10 and only gets to see her dad every other weekend, that isnt alot. She is old enough to know that your baby is going to be with him all the time so of course she is going to be put out.

From your post it seems your jealous of how your step daughter is treated but surely you knew that they came as a package when you got together??

 

[flibbrtygibbt]

I can see all sides of the table
Honestly her world is turning upside down
She in her mind is about to loose her daddy to a new baby who will have WAY more attention than her.
She NEED to be involved with this pregnancy.
She needs it for her and to know that she isn't going to be pushed away or put off.
Its too late to not have her there now,
Thought DH SHOULD have talked to you first.
The first scan is going to be a vaginal scan and thats going to be uncomfortable for every one
She should not have been invited to this one, however she should be involved in the big one at 20 weeks. Even if its just to be promised that she will be the first to find out that she is having a sister or brother.
And she should be allowed to come on a trip to the doc when your just going in to have a listen to the hb and belly measured.
She dosnt need to come to every appointment but she right no needs to know she is loved ESPECIALLY by you.
Its a tough place because while this is your firs pregnancy and it SHOULD be about you in a relationship that had no other children.
I speak as a mom who has kids and married a man with out them.
When he and I first got together I explained to him that it would really suck for him because the kids will always be first
and his reply was "I would be disappointed in you if it were any other way"
She will always come first untill the baby
and yes he will put that baby before anything for a time.
Though a balance will need to be found quickly so the little girl already there has her daddy too.
Good luck
God Bless
and I apologize for hurt feelings.

 

[RiverSong]

My honest opinion as a stepparent is that ok maybe it's selfish in some ways, but really it's not.

I mean like you said he's been there before so it might be old hat to him. But to you it's scary and new, i mean what if (god forbid) the scan goes badly? Do you really want her there? Could she maybe go to the second scan , you could always present it as 'being cautious incase there's something that might upset her?'

I think you and hubby, without sd and other family need to sit down and discuss what you want, not just what sd wants after all it's your baby not hers, it should be you who has ultimate say. I mean gee are they going to insist she's there at the birth?

The main thing will be to not let her feel excluded. Even if you do everything you can to stop that happening, it still could. Maybe some one on one time with hubby might help her relax a little?

Hope i didn't ruffle too many feathers. Stay strong, enjoy YOUR pregnancy.xxxx

 

[Lyndz]

Hello

I am 9 weeks pregnant and we were not going to tell my husbands (10 year old) daughter until we had the scan and knew if everything was ok. We have just found out that she overheard him and his mum talking on friday but didnt say anything despite staying with us all weekend but saved it until she saw her nanna and then the tears came and how upset she is that we didnt want her to know and we were keeping it from her!!! THis isnt the first time she has done things like this rather than speaking up she waits for the person who will give her the best impact!!

My husband has invited her for the scan now and i am quite annoyed!! HE may have done all this beofre but i havent and i would have liked to do all the firsts with just him.

His family think we should have her with us at all times to do with the pregnancy but i am sorry i dont want her there for everything. They dont seem to realise that this is my first pregnancy and i need to get my head around everything but to them the whole world revolves around their little princess. To the point of hearing how she will always be the favourite etc etc!!!

I may sound terrible but i feel like they are making my pregnancy totally about her when for the first time in my life it should be about me!! She did the same at our wedding did the tears of how she missed her dad so much (despite seeing him every other weekend and never ever phoning him in 3 years we have been together) so she got bumped up to the top table to sit next to her nanna. His entire family pander to her like she is so badly treated and sometimes i just want to shake them and say oh my god !!!

Does anyone else know what this is like? can anyone help?

Thanks

Vix

I know how you feel and this probably isn't going to go down well. I am step mum to an 8 year old boy who is also treated as the favorite by DH's family. Step son always waits until he is at a family meal or around alot of people to bring out something outragous with tears, to be center of attention (due to one of his extreme lies social services were once called).

I understand totally that you want this pregnancy to be about you, i was exactly the same. Dh had done it all before, i hadn't and i wanted the firsts to be with him only. I would speak to your DH about inviting her to the first scan, like others have said maybe arrange a private scan and take her along.

I find it really unhelpful when people say things like "you knew they came as a package/you knew what you were letting yourself in for" blah. You don't. Just because your partners life is all about their child, it doesn't mean yours is. It's a massive adjustment becoming a step parent and i find it harder than being a paren. Just because you love your OH, it doesn't automatically mean you love their child.

Pregnancy is a very personal thing, and whilst the step kids shouldn't be excluded, it shouldn't be all about them.

 

[flibbrtygibbt]

Hello

I am 9 weeks pregnant and we were not going to tell my husbands (10 year old) daughter until we had the scan and knew if everything was ok. We have just found out that she overheard him and his mum talking on friday but didnt say anything despite staying with us all weekend but saved it until she saw her nanna and then the tears came and how upset she is that we didnt want her to know and we were keeping it from her!!! THis isnt the first time she has done things like this rather than speaking up she waits for the person who will give her the best impact!!

My husband has invited her for the scan now and i am quite annoyed!! HE may have done all this beofre but i havent and i would have liked to do all the firsts with just him.

His family think we should have her with us at all times to do with the pregnancy but i am sorry i dont want her there for everything. They dont seem to realise that this is my first pregnancy and i need to get my head around everything but to them the whole world revolves around their little princess. To the point of hearing how she will always be the favourite etc etc!!!

I may sound terrible but i feel like they are making my pregnancy totally about her when for the first time in my life it should be about me!! She did the same at our wedding did the tears of how she missed her dad so much (despite seeing him every other weekend and never ever phoning him in 3 years we have been together) so she got bumped up to the top table to sit next to her nanna. His entire family pander to her like she is so badly treated and sometimes i just want to shake them and say oh my god !!!

Does anyone else know what this is like? can anyone help?

Thanks

Vix

I know how you feel and this probably isn't going to go down well. I am step mum to an 8 year old boy who is also treated as the favorite by DH's family. Step son always waits until he is at a family meal or around alot of people to bring out something outragous with tears, to be center of attention (due to one of his extreme lies social services were once called).

I understand totally that you want this pregnancy to be about you, i was exactly the same. Dh had done it all before, i hadn't and i wanted the firsts to be with him only. I would speak to your DH about inviting her to the first scan, like others have said maybe arrange a private scan and take her along.

I find it really unhelpful when people say things like "you knew they came as a package/you knew what you were letting yourself in for" blah. You don't. Just because your partners life is all about their child, it doesn't mean yours is. It's a massive adjustment becoming a step parent and i find it harder than being a paren. Just because you love your OH, it doesn't automatically mean you love their child.

Pregnancy is a very personal thing, and whilst the step kids shouldn't be excluded, it shouldn't be all about them.

I must interject here
If my boyfriend didn't love my children I would have never accepted his proposal and married him, which I have now done.
My children are the most important thing to me.
Respectfully I say, children can do some terrible hurtful things
BUT you have to remember that they are children, and you are the adult.
You MUST love them even if you don't like their actions or behaviors
I am not saying you even have to take it all
In MANY cases a child needs corrected.
And in a lot of cases a child needs to be told no
To put it into perspective for you
IMAGINE if this were a different situation
That the older child was YOURS and your OH had no children of his own, and he felt this way about YOUR child
Further I ask you to imagine yourself as the child
I imagine this is going to start a huge fight and I am not trying to start that, I just know sooooo many people who were raised by a step parent who preferred there own child OPENLY over them. I personally know the hurt that comes when a parent shows favoritism to another child
Even as an adult it still hurts

 

[MissRoxie]

I def agree with other ladies, children come first before any partner. You are a grown woman, act like it! I know its hard for you to accept that your OH has already had a kid but he hasnt had a kid with you and thats what you have to remember but as regards to your stepdaughter she is a child, maybe she does do things for attention, thats what kids do but thats part of growing up, which frankly you don't seem to be showing much of a good example to her since you seem to be doing the same.

 

[future_numan]

With a ten year old everything is fragil. I beleive when you marry someone with children then you are marring all of them. I am the one who had children from a previous marriage and when we were decideding on weither we wanted another child or not we talked it over with EVERYONE ( meaning my older daughters) because it effected all of us. The of course didn't have final say but they were informed. We involved them in almost everything ( my daughters weren't at the first U/S but they were all at the 20 week one ) plus they helped decorate the room, shop for baby things and even made suggestions on names ( we picked the name though) I didn't want them to feel like they were apart of another family. This baby is the bridge that brings us all together. I know the "girls" love and adore their sister and everything we do we do as a family ( camping, holidays, pictures). I also know that even though my daughters father is still a big part of their lives the love and respect their step-father for not coming in and changing things but by adding to the love in their lives.

 

[Blah11]

I agree with the others. Whilst I wouldn't want her at the first scan it wouldn't be because I didn't want her there for selfish reasons, it would just be incase anything was wrong.

Your DH and his daughter come as a package. How would you like to see your DH every 2nd weekend? Its hardly all the time like you make it out to be. She's 10, and she's a child so you can't expect her to act like an adult. She prob found it hard to approach you about the whole preg situation and tbh, she probably knows you don't 'like' or 'love' her like you should so no wonder she doesn't open up to you.

I feel sorry on the kid, hope her dad is a bit more understanding than her stepmother.

 

[Lyndz]

Hello

I am 9 weeks pregnant and we were not going to tell my husbands (10 year old) daughter until we had the scan and knew if everything was ok. We have just found out that she overheard him and his mum talking on friday but didnt say anything despite staying with us all weekend but saved it until she saw her nanna and then the tears came and how upset she is that we didnt want her to know and we were keeping it from her!!! THis isnt the first time she has done things like this rather than speaking up she waits for the person who will give her the best impact!!

My husband has invited her for the scan now and i am quite annoyed!! HE may have done all this beofre but i havent and i would have liked to do all the firsts with just him.

His family think we should have her with us at all times to do with the pregnancy but i am sorry i dont want her there for everything. They dont seem to realise that this is my first pregnancy and i need to get my head around everything but to them the whole world revolves around their little princess. To the point of hearing how she will always be the favourite etc etc!!!

I may sound terrible but i feel like they are making my pregnancy totally about her when for the first time in my life it should be about me!! She did the same at our wedding did the tears of how she missed her dad so much (despite seeing him every other weekend and never ever phoning him in 3 years we have been together) so she got bumped up to the top table to sit next to her nanna. His entire family pander to her like she is so badly treated and sometimes i just want to shake them and say oh my god !!!

Does anyone else know what this is like? can anyone help?

Thanks

Vix

I know how you feel and this probably isn't going to go down well. I am step mum to an 8 year old boy who is also treated as the favorite by DH's family. Step son always waits until he is at a family meal or around alot of people to bring out something outragous with tears, to be center of attention (due to one of his extreme lies social services were once called).

I understand totally that you want this pregnancy to be about you, i was exactly the same. Dh had done it all before, i hadn't and i wanted the firsts to be with him only. I would speak to your DH about inviting her to the first scan, like others have said maybe arrange a private scan and take her along.

I find it really unhelpful when people say things like "you knew they came as a package/you knew what you were letting yourself in for" blah. You don't. Just because your partners life is all about their child, it doesn't mean yours is. It's a massive adjustment becoming a step parent and i find it harder than being a paren. Just because you love your OH, it doesn't automatically mean you love their child.

Pregnancy is a very personal thing, and whilst the step kids shouldn't be excluded, it shouldn't be all about them.

I must interject here
If my boyfriend didn't love my children I would have never accepted his proposal and married him, which I have now done.
My children are the most important thing to me.
Respectfully I say, children can do some terrible hurtful things
BUT you have to remember that they are children, and you are the adult.
You MUST love them even if you don't like their actions or behaviors
I am not saying you even have to take it all
In MANY cases a child needs corrected.
And in a lot of cases a child needs to be told no
To put it into perspective for you
IMAGINE if this were a different situation
That the older child was YOURS and your OH had no children of his own, and he felt this way about YOUR child
Further I ask you to imagine yourself as the child
I imagine this is going to start a huge fight and I am not trying to start that, I just know sooooo many people who were raised by a step parent who preferred there own child OPENLY over them. I personally know the hurt that comes when a parent shows favoritism to another child
Even as an adult it still hurts

I too know how it feels to be a part of a step family too, my mum remarried and had my sister when i was 13. My step dad, of course, favoured his daughter, and why shouldn't he? That's his flesh and blood. I didn't need him to love me, i had two parents of my own that did a fantastic job of that. As does my step son. I dont have a mothers love for him, because i don't need to have, he has two fantastic parents as well that do that, they only thing i need to be to him is a friend, not a mother. Any step parent, no matter how brilliant they might be, will always favour the child that is their flesh and blood, weather they show it or not, weather they want to admit it openly or inwardly, that is nature.

Children yes, can do/say some truely terrible things, and what my step son did was awful and does make me worried for me and my daughter, and i make no appologies for feeling that way.

But i do ffeel that the OP should not feel bad for wanting her pregnancy to be about her. Like i said, it's not about excluding the step daughter, but i think it's about finding a balence (come to one scan, not another, come to choose the pram etc). I feel it's perfectly normal for her to feel the way she is feeling. At least she was brave enough to admit it