Pregnant and stepdaughter has found out!!

[flibbrtygibbt]

Well I am glad for the sake of adopted kids around the world that not every one feels that way.
And I TRULY pray that you never find yourself as the parent of the older child
I watched a television show where a couple was ttc an the wife said to the husband "if we cant conceive on our own can we adopt?"
The husband said "If we CAN conceive on our own can we STILL adopt?"
I sure hope that people like that CAN love the child as their own
I am not saying you have to have a mothers love but you should still love them
I think its sad that you cant have though.
I too believe that there should be balance and that was what I was trying to say
I admitted that he should have talked to her before making a decision and letting the child come in the first place
But I stand behind my belief that she does need to be a part of it.
And th day my husband shows preferential treatment to his child over the other ones (whom incidentally he calls his kids NOT step kids) is the day the marriage is FINISHED. My children have only him and I they don't really remember a time before him.

 

[sun]

I too know how it feels to be a part of a step family too, my mum remarried and had my sister when i was 13. My step dad, of course, favoured his daughter, and why shouldn't he? That's his flesh and blood. I didn't need him to love me, i had two parents of my own that did a fantastic job of that. As does my step son. I dont have a mothers love for him, because i don't need to have, he has two fantastic parents as well that do that, they only thing i need to be to him is a friend, not a mother. Any step parent, no matter how brilliant they might be, will always favour the child that is their flesh and blood, weather they show it or not, weather they want to admit it openly or inwardly, that is nature.

I totally disagree that a step parent doesn't need to love or parent their step kids and that they just need to be friends. I come from a family that has step kids, adopted kids and actual flesh and blood kids. There was never a hierarchy of love. The flesh and blood children did not get preferential treatment or more/better love. It is absolutely possible to love a child that is not your flesh and blood, and if you are a family IME that is what happens. My OH and I are looking at adoption and also have a son. There is no way that child will be less loved. I'm sorry that you never had this experience. xx

 

[MissRoxie]

I would comment here and say how much I disagree etc etc BUT I have already given my view so whats the point. No one is going to have the same opinion on everything, we are all individuals and everyone has said what they think regarding the OP. I think we all just need to agree to disagree here.

 

[billy2mm]

Well I am glad for the sake of adopted kids around the world that not every one feels that way.
And I TRULY pray that you never find yourself as the parent of the older child
I watched a television show where a couple was ttc an the wife said to the husband "if we cant conceive on our own can we adopt?"
The husband said "If we CAN conceive on our own can we STILL adopt?"
I sure hope that people like that CAN love the child as their own
I am not saying you have to have a mothers love but you should still love them
I think its sad that you cant have though.
I too believe that there should be balance and that was what I was trying to say
I admitted that he should have talked to her before making a decision and letting the child come in the first place
But I stand behind my belief that she does need to be a part of it.
And th day my husband shows preferential treatment to his child over the other ones (whom incidentally he calls his kids NOT step kids) is the day the marriage is FINISHED. My children have only him and I they don't really remember a time before him.

well said

 

[Lyndz]

Well I am glad for the sake of adopted kids around the world that not every one feels that way.
And I TRULY pray that you never find yourself as the parent of the older child
I watched a television show where a couple was ttc an the wife said to the husband "if we cant conceive on our own can we adopt?"
The husband said "If we CAN conceive on our own can we STILL adopt?"
I sure hope that people like that CAN love the child as their own
I am not saying you have to have a mothers love but you should still love them
I think its sad that you cant have though.
I too believe that there should be balance and that was what I was trying to say
I admitted that he should have talked to her before making a decision and letting the child come in the first place
But I stand behind my belief that she does need to be a part of it.
And th day my husband shows preferential treatment to his child over the other ones (whom incidentally he calls his kids NOT step kids) is the day the marriage is FINISHED. My children have only him and I they don't really remember a time before him.

Wow, at what point did i say i didn't love him?! I said that i didn't need to have a mothers love for him, not that i didn't love him. I've been in his life nearly 6 years, of course i love him, but not in the way that i love my daughter, and i'll make no appologies for that. I didn't carry him and neither did i give birth to him so i do not feel the same bond with him as i do my daughter, which again, i believe is nature. It's very nice for people who can live in their little cottages with picket fences and see life in black and white, you should do this, you should do that, you should feel that, but until you have been in that situation, you can never know how you will feel. I sence your husband doesn't have kids from a previous relationship.

Your children might not remember a time before your husband, my step son still has his mum in his life and she does a fantastic job with him. A job which i don't need to do as well.

Leaving this thread now. Isn't it strange, people can complain about THEIR children and how much of a pain they maybe, but heaven forbit a step parent truly voices how they feel

 

[Fergie]

As a child of someone who remarried and had another family with someone else i feel that you are being quite hard on a 10 yr old child who to be blunt is showing all the signs of massive insecurity .. the same as i did. No wonder she wants the attention at family do's.
TBH be grateful you haven't got a stepdaughter like me. I made my stepmums life a living hell but she let it all float over her and still treated me like one of her own. We actually get on better than my dad and i do now.
The bottom line is she is only 10, she's a child.

 

[LittleLady04]

As a step parent myself I can understand exactly where the OP is at. When I was having my dd1 my SS was 2 and he and his Mum came to stay for a week. It was hard, I felt totally pushed out and like I was a complete outsider when he was around. It didn't help that my pregnancy wasn't staright forward and I was rushed to hospital one morning when dp was meant to be going to look after him. Obviously, he came with me to the hospital but we all knew he was in for a really hard time from his ex when he got back, and he did!!!

Unfortunately, at the end of visit things didn't end well and she cut off all contact with him for 5 years. We wnet on to have another dd2 and I was pg with dd3 when they got in contact with us again. And again, I was jealous. I knew I shouldn't be and I certainly didn't want to be but I couldn't help it. In the first month of Dp and SS being back in contact dp would come in from work and rather than sit down and play with our dd's he would go upstairs to talk to his ds. By the time he came back down our dd's were off too bed and so he wasn't spending much time with them at all. Obviously this was just them trying to catch up on time they had missed out on and soon the phone calls became alot less and my dd'd would chat to him as well.

Now WE ALL call him twice a week and he comes to stay in the school holidays. I Love him like he is one of my own and would be happy to have him live with us permanently in the future.

It did take alot of time and alot of effort on my part but now me and SS are great "friends" he's even told me he would like me to marry his Dad so I can be his Step Mum properly.

I wouldn't of had him at any of my 12 week scans but I would have definately invited him along to any of my 20 week ones. Me and SS have had alot of time to spend time on our own together (when dp is at work) and I think this has certainly helped us to build a stronger relationship, maybe you could organise things to do on your own with your SD and you'll be surprised how much difference it'll make. Good Luck hun xxx

 

[xolily]

i have 3 stepchildren (7, 9, 12) and i involve them in as much as i possibly can (they live 2 hours away). i would never want them to think that they are pushed out cos they are part of my family and once you have children, nothing is ever only about "you". i would never dream of saying to my daughter that she couldn't have anything to do with the pregnancy so why would i say it to my stepchildren? also, if/when i get married.. i'd consider it normal for our children to be on one of the top tables with the rest of the family?

 

[morri]

I have the feeling the two opinions come from two different situations: one: the step kids original other parents buiggered off and has never shown again- or part b) the step kids original parent is still actually its parent.
also a part of b) is whether the step kid lives with its actual parent or not. If the kid lives with its mum and only comes to visit its dad for the weekend than one can show pics and what not, but one wouldnt need to be very inclusive such as taking it to a ultrasound or doctors appointment.
I think though even if it is a) the kid still hasnt got to come to the closest things, such as Us or birth, and I think a 10 year old step kids reaction may not vary so much from a ten year old kids reaction that had been a single kid for all of his live.
There are also some books on the topic for kids(well actually don't know if therre are English ones) but I can imagine that they are also available in English which explains well what happens when parents seperate and have new kids with their spouses etc.

 

[MrsRabbit]

I feel sorry for your step daughter OP. Why shouldn't she be involved - this will be her sibling? I think this speaks volumes of your true feelings toward your step daughter. Seriously you are jealous because your husband loves his child?

IDK maybe I'm just different. We took in our nephew and he was treated as if he was our own. He even came to one of DS' ultrasounds. I still miss him even if he's with his parents I still wish he was part of our family. Not that he's not but here in our house.

 

[SackBoy]

I agree with the OP about the scan but not for her reasons. It's a pretty stressful scan and it's not really a place for a child I don't think. However, not planning to have his child, on the top table is disgusting. When my mum got married to my stepdad they planned that I would be at the top table. He treated me like I was his own, and would run all over the place to do things for me. Oh and seeing your dad every other weekend isn't enough, and how do you suggest a 7-10 year old calls her dad surely thats something that the parents organise?

OP you don't sound like a nice person and you must have known what you were getting into when you got married.

 

[lesleyann]

tbh i think the op just wanted to vent, she prob very much loves this child but has not always had say a "parenting" head on about things like the wedding table or was thinking of adults only at the main table. After all this will be her first child so everything is new and very exciting and wants to share this with her OH. I would not take my son to my 12week scan at an age where he would understand. The phone calls with ops SD is not her responsibility thats between her OH and SD's mum maybe the mum does not allow it? we dont know. I dont supose everyone whos a stepparent has done everything perfectly right.