Pregnant and terrified

[Sara1987]

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and I'm losing my mind. Yesterday I started having dull pains in my right side and today I've started spotting. It's tony, so nothing to worry about right? Well here I am worrying. This is my fourth pregnancy. I have lost every single one previous to this. My second was ectopic and I lost a tube.
I've spoken to a doctor and a midwife. Both said not to worry and wait to get my ultrasound. How can I not worry?!!! My ultrasound is on Friday morning, but by then it could be too late. I'm convinced I'm already losing my baby. My biggest fear is that it could be ectopic again. No one will listen to me and it's driving me crazy. I can't lose another baby, I just can't bear it. I don't know what to do.

 

[tcinks]

I'm so sorry for your past losses and hope it's not happening again. I'm sorry I have no advice as I've never had that specific situation, I lost my baby at 14 weeks. Is this the longest you've carried your baby before?

 

[skyesmom]

grrrrrr!!! docs brush you off with "don't worry" as if not worrying after 4 mcs, of which one ectopic, is a piece of cake!

not worrying when being pregnant after a loss is like a ZEN skill to master, to which the buddhists up the himalayas can just bow to... as, besides the legitimate fear you have due to your previous experiences, your brain chemistry is altered. you are pregnant. it is normal for every pregnant lady to turn into more of a worry-wart than she usually is.

EVEN MORE SO when you've had losses. and while someone who's never been through one has less real reason to worry, someone who's been there can't be brushed off with "it's all gonna be ok", when you don't have a proof it actually will. and not acknowledging your fears and their depth is superficial and stupid, especially from a healthcare professional.

i think the only "solution" is to try and take it one day at a time. try to enjoy and appreciate it while it's there and cherish that little life inside of you for each of its days, even just a little bit, as much as your heart can.
and if you succeed one day and fail the next, don't beat yourself up for it. it is hard. it is not just the fear of losing your baby there (that is the main fear, of course), but also the fear of losing your own body in a way, especially since you lost a tube.

people often brush these things off like "oh it's just a tube, it could have been worse" but hey, how about NOT losing a tube at all and having healthy babies instead?? people are kinda used to comparing things with worst stuff thinking this can make you feel better, when actually acknowledging the loss and its importance and the importance of your own feelings is way more respectful and effective as help.

i really hope this is your forever baby and that your pregnancy runs as smoothly as it can!

 

[Sara1987]

Thank you for your kind words.the longest I've carried is 8 weeks. I've never been given a reason for the losses except that I've been incredibly unlucky. The ectopic I can understand but I refuse to believe the another 3 miscarriages is just bad luck. I have had an ultrasound and it was not conclusive. The found a sac and that's it. I was 5 weeks and 6 days at that point so they should have seen something. I'm worried it's either a blighted ovum or a missed miscarriage. There's nothing I can do but wait for another ultrasound, which is happening on Monday. I've almost given up all hope. My symptoms are being ignored by all of the pathetic doctors I have seen. They could not care less. It's disgusting. I only hope that if my baby is gone, I haven't got an infection from having it in there for weeks.

 

[flou]

Sara. I am so sorry for your losses. I have had 2 losses prior to this pregnancy. And even though I have never experienced bleeding in pg apart from when I was miscarrying it doesn't mean anything is wrong. Even though i never bled with my current pregnancy I remember driving to my parents house and having horrible period like cramps and I was a state by the time I reached my parents, completely convinced I was going to miscarry again! But I actually needed to pee and my bladder was being pressed down on to my uterus by the seatbelt. Once I went to the loo it was all better. I think everytime I felt a rush of discharge it had me running to the loo with my heart pounding.

As skyesmom says just take each day as it comes. I am so grateful for each day I am pregnant. The fear never truly goes away. I'm now nearly 20 weeks and I have my anomaly scan on Monday and I got myself worked up a couple of days ago about what if something is wrong with the baby. I try to be open and honest with my DH and he will calm me down. But I just remember that today I am pregnant and grateful for that. I have even felt my lo move which is such a great feeling. I just hope that in another 20 weeks I will finally have my rainbow baby in my arms. And I hope everything goes well for your next scan. 5 weeks is still early to see baby. They wouldn't give me a reassurance scan until 7 weeks because they weren't sure they could see anything. I hope this is your rainbow baby and I hope you have a h&h pregnancy.