Pregnant & kids not taking it well, help please

[miley49]

Hi,
I'm new the babyandbump, and would really love some advice from anyone who's in or been in a similar situation, I'm 36 yrs old, with 4 kids, 2 boys aged 15 and 8, 2 girls aged 7 and 5, just discovered I'm pregnant with baby number 5, although shocked at 1st, it was a happy moment for my husband and me, and was really looking forward to it, before blurting it out to the kids, we decided to test the water with them, by asking how they would feel about having a new addition, the 2 girls were so happy and want us to ask the hospital if they have any babys straightway, lol, but the 2 boys, looked outraged, were quite upset and quiet, the 8 yr old, is so lovable and good natured and I know he would love it once it arrives, hes kinda relunctantly agreed it will be ok, we had to force the subject with the oldest to get his reaction, he said he likes the family the way it is, and I understand that it has been just us for yrs, hes been in his room since we told him, playing his console, which teenagers do, but I feel if we dont talk about it, he never will, he said he did'nt really want a new member of the family, we tried talking things through with him and trying to get to the reason, but he just clammed up and said fair enough if its what you all want, fine, I'm not being to blame for upsetting everyone else, but I know he's gutted at the thought of a new addition, although he does'nt know I'm actually already pregnant, I'm gutted, by his and his brothers reaction, although I know how they feel, I feel like by having this baby I'll push my sons away, and risk our relationship, which I would never want, if I dont go ahead the girls will devastated, I feel torn between the 4 of them, would'nt dream of getting rid of our new buba, anyone been through similar or going through similar, any help or advice greatly welcome.

 

[FiNZ]

Hi there ... First of all, congratulations!!! I haven't been in your situation, but I wanted to say that this baby IS a part of your family, and your boys will have no choice other than to adjust, and they will! Maybe your 15 yr old feels that you won't have as much time for him if you have another baby, or maybe he feels weird about the fact that to get pregnant, it means you and his dad will have had sex?? Just a random thought, but I know that when I was pregnant with my third, my daughter (who I think was 8 at the time) said 'eeew, that means you had sex'.

It's super busy in our house (I also have 4 children) and my 13 yr old daughter has said a couple of times that I don't have much time for her anymore, which makes me feel so sad and guilty. But I've asked her a couple of times if she resents Ella (nearly 4 months old) and she said 'no way'.

Teenagers are very hard to figure out. I'm struggling with it at the moment.

I am sure that they will be fine. They will have months to get used to the idea of having a new addition to the family. Just keep talking to him and maybe he will open up and tell you what he's worrying about.

Good luck!! xx

 

[mummystheword]

Hi there and congratulations!!

I thought I would give you my perspective (as of 15 years ago when my brother was born). I was 12 when my dad told me the news that we were having a new baby brother or sister, I can still remember it to this day as it was soooo devastating!!!! Up to that point there was just me and my brother (who was 19 at the time!) and I thought that our family was complete and I was the youngest! I really can't tell you how upsetting it was, but to this day I don't know why! The first thing I said after having time to get used to it was 'I hope I get a sister'. Even when he was born I was not excited and disappointed that he wasn't a sister! I must say though, that I would help out and take him for walks, change his nappy, bath him etc and only then did I get used to the idea and realise he was staying! We get on fine now (for a 15 year old, lol) although my two brothers never have What i'm trying to say is, there may be no particular reason that your son feels that he doesn't want another sibling but i'm sure things will turn out well in the end I hope he comes round to the idea soon x x

 

[heyyady]

My older kids were 18 and 14 when we told them we were having another baby- At first they balked, especially the 14 year old- she said she was going to move out and live with my mother I just stayed firm about her not leaving and she is a part of this family, belongs here, etc- then we found out there were TWO- she nearly lost her little mind! My 18 year old moved out. (Not in a snit, there were other circumstances) and my 14 year old started to come around. We had the teenagers pick the girls middle names in a way to include them. I had a rough pregnancy and I was really afraid it would add to the resentment towards the babies, her seeing me so uncomfortable, etc. But the minute they were born she melted completely. Both of my older kids are amazing siblings to our twins- My daughter is the best sister you could ask for and the girlies just love their sissy! Have faith in your son- continue to involve him but not push him- insure him he will not be forced to baby sit unless in emergency (And that is someone needs to go to the doctor or hospital, not "Suzie backed out and our movie starts in 15 minutes" lol) And that he will not have to change diapers unless he is wanting to help, being paid to babysit (On his terms!) or in emergency! (This helped alleviate a lot of my daughters worries! We offer her babysitting first, for pay, and if she isn't interested we take them elsewhere) Engage him in conversations about the baby, keep them brief but involving- ask open ended questions, and if you get snarky answers drop it and tell them to get back to you on it later- don't guilt them for not wanting to talk about it at the moment.

Good luck to you, mama! And congrats!

 

[Fuzzball77]

My mum asked me when I was 16 how I'd feel about her having a baby and I was secretly horified because I just didn't think we'd be able to afford it given our household income at the time. It ended up being a joke whereby her and her boyfriend cracked up laughing afterwards but I still remember the thoughts that ran through my then selfish 16 year old head.
Incidentally, I read a book called 'Raising Boys' (I'm pregnant and figured I should just in case this pregnancy gives me a little boy) and it said that boys, and men for that matter, prefer to talk side by side rather than face to face. It said that a great way to get your teenaged son to open up is to go for a walk with him and obviously given your'e walking side by side he'll be more inclined to open up about his feelings. May be a good idea to walk somewhere he'd like to go, say McDonalds maybe?
Congratulations by the way. At least 3/4 of your kids are either happy or accepting. Those aren't bad odds

 

[miley49]

Hi, thank you all for your advice, just really down at the minute, I know how blessed I am, have been avoiding the subject with him, dont want to push it more with him right now, and yeah Mc Donalds, probably would be a plan, lol, seeing my GP tomorrow, so hopefully will be able to offload a bit. xx