Pregnant partner wants space and hates me?!?! (Broke up with me at 17 weeks)

[cheerios]

Anyone have any advice for opposing perspectives? Our communication appears to have broken down to the point where we don't understand each other. No woman just wants to talk and talk and talk. They want fun and to feel the love. How do I win back a woman who can't even hold a conversation with me?

To be very honest, you're not going to get proper advice that will help you or your relationship on BnB. Nobody knows the ins and outs and nobody here is a professional who can truly help you. It's simply impossible to get proper help from a forum where anybody says whatever they think is appropriate for your situation.

Can you look for a therapist specialised in couple therapy?? And see if your partner wants to go with you? Even if she doesn't go, you can go along and work on your own issues too. I don't know what your spiritual inclinations are, but the book "The Love Dare", basically a book that talks about what love is and comes with 40 dares for you to do for your partner, that book changed my marriage. Would totally recommend it if you can't find a therapist for now.

I didn't want to hit and run, but I've read your messages briefly. I had a terrible phase with my husband for about 1.5 years and I kid you not, it was hell. We have 4 kids. I didn't think we would make it. We were married for 15 years then and I didn't know if we would make it for the 16th. I read that book "the Love Dare" and I went for christian therapy. I found a pastor / mentor / coach who also specialises in marriage crisis. It took a LOT of inner healing between me and God and coming to a point in my life, that I realise I needed God to heal me and work in my issues. I can't change my partner, I can only change myself. Long story short, my husband noticed the whole shift in me and my behaviour and God began to work in his heart. It's a lot of soul-searching and heart surgery. Very tough, but so so so rewarding at the end. We are still marriage and in the second phase of our marriage after that almost-breakdown. It's been about 2.5 years since then and I still can't believe how God reached out to both of us. There is hope in God. Don't give up.

One more thing, the harder I tried to make my husband love me / respond to me / stay emotionally, the more I chased him away. I realised I can't "talk him into loving me", only God can do that. And it's God's job! I can only work on myself, pray for the relationship and leave the impossible to God. Everything I'm telling you now, I got it from the "Love Dare" book. You can get it on Amazon. Its the book from which the movie "Fireproof" was made from.

The only thing that helped me was that I didn't want to lose my children. I knew that if I divorced, my kids would be taken away from me (because I live in Germany but I don't come from Germany originally). I would want to go back to my country of origin and there's no way the German authorities would allow that.

That alone gave me all the reason I needed to fight for my marriage. This is war. And the stakes are your baby girl. For myself, my 4 kids. I gave everything I could and more to work on MY issues, spend a LOT of time with God, reading my Bible, praying, crying out to God and I sought the help of my friends to pray with me and to encourage me on my journey. It was 1.5 years before I started seeing light at the end of the tunnel. God truly performed miracle after miracle on my marriage. My husband turned back to me because he felt God speaking to him and reaching out to him. Only God managed to convict him that what he was doing was wrong. It still took 1.5 years though. You definitely need professional help and preferably someone who also believes in God.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Thank you so much for the response. I have come to realize that my chasing is doing so much more damage than good. The hardest part is maintaining myself around her because every impulse screams at me to talk to her, compliment her, or do things for her. I don't know if I should really follow the no contact rule if we live and work together. Although apparently one of our bosses told her that she is no longer allowed to speak to me at work. So that happened.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Posting just to filter my thoughts, it's very difficult seeing a potential future at this moment. Now that I have ceased to reach out to her or communicate we no longer talk at all or even look in each other's direction. I have no idea how providing so much space after being dumped is supposed to loop back into a healthy relationship but I guess this is just how it goes.

I really doubt she's just going to magically start missing me and start coming back to me for attention. It's been 3 days since we last spoke but at least my anxiety isn't as horrendous anymore. I get a small paranoia here and there when she seems suspicious but that is also probably just my brain being annoying.

I'm having trouble holding onto a hope that she'll come back or deciding if it really is done and time to move on (not that this should be an option while she's pregnant, just saying for the future). I guess we are both figuring things out and I no longer feel alone when she's not around (fairly comfortable with myself at this point) but I do still fear for the future of our relationship and our baby girl.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Welp patience + therapy = still not working. Officially at the stage of having a psychotic break can't keep track of anything anymore let alone how I feel.

Really wasn't ready for this directly after a divorce but we'll skip the self pity parade I've done enough of that. I really just have to stop taking shit so seriously none of it matters anyways, everything is replaceable. Guess this is why people usually have friends/family to support them through the tough times. Definitely not as strong as I thought I was.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Posting because it's been awhile. We have slightly restored our communication after she hit me with an eviction notice which was my mental breaking point. I had bottled everything up and I basically told her how shitty she was treating me and we had a whole 2hr argument that ended in her crying because I called her selfish. Things have not been toxic since but I really don't think she considers me as a partner at this point but at least I don't have to deal with the mental abuse. Now it's just the severe depression and suicidal urges I have to survive which I'm going to therapy for and gave my dad my guns to lock up (because they make my urges worse).

I really want a family with her and despite everything I still love her so much but I don't detect the slightest bit of feelings for me, she just acts perfectly fine and goes about her day like I don't exist. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life (yes, far worse than my divorce). My mental capacity is so fragile and low at this point I live every day wishing I wasn't.

I truly hope she comes around because if the depression is railing me this hard over the break up and the thought of not raising our baby together then I don't even know how I'm going to handle the actual separation and court proceedings over child custody. This sucks, I never want another child after this.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Mentally preparing myself for a disaster when I get home. I left the house for the weekend because I'm in the Army Reserves and my unit is 5hrs away so I left to turn in my stuff because my contract was up but apparently while I was away the 2 bigger dogs we had got in a bad fight around her and she had to take him to the shelter. So we went from 3 dogs down to 2 and she has had them for years so I can only imagine the stress she had to put up with having to deal with that alone. She was responding to my texts last night and wasn't particularly friendly but I still appreciate the communication more than anything in the world.

I was planning to get her a prenatal massage coupon for mothers day so she can hopefully relax and I took the week off that her mom is coming down to stay with my parents because her mom (who lives in New Zealand) is visiting for that week and I think some alone time with her mom might be beneficial for her without having to worry about me.

I really really care about this woman, she is so damn amazing and so strong. She is going to be a great mother to our little Millie when she's born.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Well there was no craziness, should I be concerned that we are just peacefully coexisting like room mates? Like the aggressiveness is pretty much gone but we are definitely not on track to be a couple at this rate. I'm not hating this peace because it's helping me not be too stressed but it kinda sucks since I want there to be an us. She just silently makes herself dinner but turns down my offers. Waits till I leave to clean the whole house and does the yard work (no I am not being lazy she hit me with a written and verbal eviction notice last time I took the trash out for her/she specifically requested that I stop helping her out and yells at me when I try to).

Like we are actually just room mates and it kinda sucks.....

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Welp here goes the end to this story, I told her tonight that I was going to move out so that she can maybe feel less stressed without me around (since she just mentally abuses me and starts fights anyways) which should also help our baby feel less stress..... her response was "good, you think I give a fuck? All you do is stress me out".

So of course that is that. I plan to spend the next 2 weeks moving my stuff out and hopefully her crazy ass doesn't break anything I care about and so I can start moving on with my life in preparation for my daughter to be so I can make sure I am both mentally and financially stable when she is born. There is nothing in the world more important to me than my daughter so I have to man tf up and get ready because this is going to be a really rough ride.....

It's a damn shame some women just can't commit to a relationship. It's exhausting fr.

 

[Shezza84uk]

Welp here goes the end to this story, I told her tonight that I was going to move out so that she can maybe feel less stressed without me around (since she just mentally abuses me and starts fights anyways) which should also help our baby feel less stress..... her response was "good, you think I give a fuck? All you do is stress me out".

So of course that is that. I plan to spend the next 2 weeks moving my stuff out and hopefully her crazy ass doesn't break anything I care about and so I can start moving on with my life in preparation for my daughter to be so I can make sure I am both mentally and financially stable when she is born. There is nothing in the world more important to me than my daughter so I have to man tf up and get ready because this is going to be a really rough ride.....

It's a damn shame some women just can't commit to a relationship. It's exhausting fr.

Hey,

I’m sorry your relationship turned out this way, all is not lost and space may do you some good. It seems things moved quickly for you both so getting to know someone and being pregnant can be hard.

Your love language is likely physical touch and attentiveness. My husband is like this to the point he would throw up from anxiety more so during pregnancy, I had our last child 6 months ago and he’s still not left my side so although the way you are as a person isn’t seen by everyone it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way to be.

Fair enough we all need space, I struggled with feeling overwhelmed due to my husbands attentiveness and his need to be with me but ultimately I learned to just love the way he loves me. Your partner may have been like me and just not use to your personality/love language and she may never get used to that which you should just accept.

It can be pregnancy hormones or just unreciprocated love which both can be very hard to navigate, she may also be unaccustomed to having someone do things for her so prefer you don’t. Keep giving her space, maybe a weekly email and ask if she needs anything for the baby so you can play a role before she arrives, keep it cordial and short.

Something like

Hi (her name)

“ I hope you’re doing ok? Do you have a list of things I can purchase for the baby or can I help in any way.”

Keep doing therapy for your mental stability and lastly seek legal advice regarding the best steps to achieve a good co-parenting relationship for the well-being of your child.

I’ll leave you with this, you can’t force someone to love you and while you may be ready she clearly isn’t. You are gaining a child from this so it’s not all bad, keep working on yourself and don’t write off true love due to this experience.

What is for you, will be for you.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

So..... as of Sunday we had a 3 hour convo that lead to her taking back the eviction and putting us back on equal footing..... I'm really conflicted on staying because that means she's trying to communicate which obviously I would want to support and not jump ship if she's trying now. So I'm back to being conflicted on moving out or staying if she plans to communicate going forward?

 

[Shezza84uk]

So..... as of Sunday we had a 3 hour convo that lead to her taking back the eviction and putting us back on equal footing..... I'm really conflicted on staying because that means she's trying to communicate which obviously I would want to support and not jump ship if she's trying now. So I'm back to being conflicted on moving out or staying if she plans to communicate going forward?

Maybe just be supportive, be there right now with no expectations of a relationship and when the baby arrives try to coparent the best you can. Don’t go in heavy on her, continue to give her space to avoid conflict.

 

[Momof2onetube]

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking to gain from this thread. You’ve been offered advice and nothing has been applied.
Reading this thread was actually triggering for me as I’m currently pregnant with my second child with my EX. He’s a covert narcissist who paints a picture of being the victim, poor him missing out on my pregnancy. Yet he will do nothing to better himself, he is not interested in offering help with baby prep, nor does he take our daughter whatsoever unless I ask him to. All while maintaining his victim image. Keep in mind, he claims he loves me and didn’t want this for us often. I’m the villain in his story, my pregnancy hormones are to blame, my ptsd is to blame. Anything but his mistreatment of me. I’d be interested to hear your partner’s perspective because I’m sure it sounds nothing like yours.
Best of luck navigating coparenting, I think you should put your energy into learning about being a parent and taking care of a baby now. Your partner won’t fall madly in love with you after she gives birth, she may come to resent you even more in fact. Focus on your daughter.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking to gain from this thread. You’ve been offered advice and nothing has been applied.
Reading this thread was actually triggering for me as I’m currently pregnant with my second child with my EX. He’s a covert narcissist who paints a picture of being the victim, poor him missing out on my pregnancy. Yet he will do nothing to better himself, he is not interested in offering help with baby prep, nor does he take our daughter whatsoever unless I ask him to. All while maintaining his victim image. Keep in mind, he claims he loves me and didn’t want this for us often. I’m the villain in his story, my pregnancy hormones are to blame, my ptsd is to blame. Anything but his mistreatment of me. I’d be interested to hear your partner’s perspective because I’m sure it sounds nothing like yours.
Best of luck navigating coparenting, I think you should put your energy into learning about being a parent and taking care of a baby now. Your partner won’t fall madly in love with you after she gives birth, she may come to resent you even more in fact. Focus on your daughter.

I can actually 100% guarantee she has a different perspective. We both keep misunderstanding the others intentions because our communication was in the gutter so everything I say gets twisted and whatever she said I took offense too as well.

I can't do anything about perspective other than explain that it is something else but I can't choose what truth is accepted only try.

We both go to therapy (separately of course) but the whole point of this thread is basically for me to vent without impacting the people in our lives and so I can take in female perspective.

I've tried to give space, no apparent results other than more disconnect, I've tried reasoning with her, I've stopped chasing her (ish I know what what I want), I've taken a lot of the advice on here and it truly helps me even yours because your comment is exactly some of the stuff she says about me and that gives me perspective. I really appreciate both your comments and I'm sorry it was triggering but everyone has different thoughts and opinions on matters which is why communication is soo important. In any relationship, to show thoughts, feelings, intentions, etc. I'm sure your partner also wanted to be at an understanding with you and I'm sure deep down you wished he would "change" so that yall could understand each other too.

I want to be a part of her and my babies life and I want to have open communication because I am a very emotional person (not the best guy quality I know) but it's just who I am. I've made comments that upset her and her me but it's up to each individual to be able to apply forgiveness and seek improvement and I can't do that alone.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

I can proudly say I am not the same impulsive person I was when I first started this thread but I am still only a person and I make mistakes too. I have learned A LOT in these past 3-4 months about myself and being an adult. I will continue to post and every comment is much appreciated.

Thank you for all so far and going forward.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

So I had something typed here but as I was typing up something positive I overheard her conversation. She is currently on the phone with one of her exs and there has been a lot of laughing, joking, and reminiscing. You can call me a creep if you want I don't care. I have essentially forced myself to listen to their convo for the past 2 hrs. Yes they have been casually talking for over 2hrs and it is still going.

She even at one point asked him for his address so she could send him a painting of her butt and she brought up some shirts of his that she still has. I think her feelings are not for me but this guy.

Even if there is nothing going on between them I still don't think that this is something I can EVER see myself being comfortable with as she stays friends with many of her past exs and keeps in contact with many of them.

I think we can all say that tonight I have literally felt my heart and soul die in real time and the longer I listen the colder I am becoming. This is absolutely brutal beyond belief and she has him on speaker knowing our walls are thin. I can't remember the last time I heard her laugh like that to me. This is not a conversation you have with anyone other than a best friend or a romantic partner and I'm not ok with either of those options and I NEVER will be.

I don't know why but I can't stop listening it is both satisfying in finally having confirmation of my worst fear and the worst pain of carving my heart out at the same time.

Literally wtf is the point of anything, just what in the actual ****.

 

[NeedAdvice67]

So at least now we know why my attempts were futile.......

 

[NeedAdvice67]

So mini status update, things have cooled down. It's pretty much mutual at this point that a relationship isn't going to happen. I've made the plan to move out and she is starting to discover the hole she has dug herself into both financially and mentally. Her parents mediated a conversation between us to get everything finalized.

I'll soon be on my way out so I can start preparing and she is going to have to figure out how to pay for her house alone and the troubles of volunteering to be a single mother since I will live 2hrs away for the first year until I can afford to move back so I can only provide weekend support and the financials for my baby.

I do not think she is at all prepared to be a mom but I guess we'll see. I already have back up plans in place but I can proudly say that I am better now. I see her in a different way and it doesn't hurt, she's just the mother of my child. She can do her and I'll do me as long as my baby girl is taken care of. Mentally I wish I made this decision sooner but I'm also glad I didn't because I know in my heart I tried everything and in the end it is what it is.

 

[Momof2onetube]

Good luck with everything!

 

[josephine3]

@NeedAdvice67 I just wanted to say I think you are really brave for coming to a site like this and writing all your feelings down, not many men would do that so well done!
Also you may even find that moving out will be just the space you both need. Living together is hard at the best of times let alone when a relationship is breaking down. You may come to enjoy the time you do spend together and appreciate it more when you aren't in each others space all the time x

 

[NeedAdvice67]

Well the baby is due in about 2 weeks now. I feel super awkward around her and honestly I mostly just feel hate/resentment towards her. It's so hard to just let it go for the sake of our daughter because i know I'm going to have to work with her.

I feel excited that my daughter is almost here but also insanely naughteous knowing the kind of situation she is being born into. I have never felt so disappointed and upset in life.

I really don't know what to do at this point because we both have our own baby rooms set up and everything is just so separate this just isn't how I pictured having a family at all and it's repulsive to me. I literally hate this and everything about it. I would never regret having my daughter but still feel extremely conflicted.