Problems With Friends During Pregnancy

[geekiemama]

Long post below. But here's the basic question if you don't want to read all that: Have you had problems with, or even lost friends, during your pregnancy?

So I'm not a very social person and my social circle is very small. I have one best friend in the world. We've been friends since freshman year of high school. I'm 25 years old now, so it's been about ten years now.

As much as I love my friend, she's emotionally needy. I know everyone sometimes needs a person to lean on when things get bad, but for her it happened a little more than usual. Just as an example: When my grandmother died last year, I was very depressed. I was visiting my hometown at the time. (since getting married three years ago I live across the country) A few days after the news dropped, my friend called me, all choked up with tears, asking if I could go comfort HER because she was sad my visit was ending in a few days. Like I said, I love my friend, but when she gets sad or upset, she gets fantastically self-involved, and it's like she can't control herself.

Anyways... So this past October was the day I was supposed to find out the gender of my baby. This was the third biggest milestone for me, after the first ultrasound and finding out I was pregnant. I told my friend the EXACT day and time I was going to the appointment. Literally as I'm walking into the hospital I get a text from her saying she's "going to hurt herself."

START SUPER STRESS MODE.

I go to the appointment, but I call her right afterwards, and then I spend the next 3-4 hours just talking to her and trying to cheer her up instead of being excited about my baby. What made this unfair was that my friend was using me as an emotional teddy bear from clear across the country despite having other friends, her family, and a counselor to turn to instead of her pregnant friend across the country who has been hospitalized for depression/anxiety. Unlike her, if I get depressed, I don't have half the resources she does to get myself out of it. My family isn't here, none of my friends, and my counselor isn't immediately available.

When I realized that I couldn't allow for this to happen anymore, I tried to talk to her about it. I asked for her to be considerate of my condition, and to use discretion when sharing things with me. I wasn't telling her I never wanted to hear from her again, I was telling her that sometimes she leans a little hard on me when whatever I feel becomes what my baby son feels. At the time, she said she understood. Me = stressed = bad for baby. Simple right?

Then later I get an email from her saying I was condescending to her and that I treated her poorly, and that I told her she "didn't have a right to be depressed", and how dare I say that she can't talk to me about her problems whenever she wanted!

WHAT?!

At that point I knew she couldn't be reasoned with. In the three years since I've lived away from her, she's never visited, so she has no idea what my life is like (not marriage, not living on her own, not being pregnant.) So I told her I was sorry she misunderstood me and then proceeded to block her in every way possible. Phone, email, twitter, facebook. I did that to avoid any further stress or possible retaliation from her.

It's been 3 months since we last talked now. I don't regret my decision, but it hurts me that she couldn't understand how her emotional neediness was stressing me out in ways that was harmful to my baby. I lost sleep and couldn't eat when she called me crying about her latest drama. It led to me not thinking about doing what I needed for the pregnancy and instead I thought about her and whether she was all right. It was kind of unhealthy, and I know Dr. Phil says we train people on how to treat us, and "people do what works" so I know this is partly my fault. That's why I don't regret the actions I'm taking now.

That doesn't change the fact that I miss my friend.

 

[bluejen]

I had a friend like this- always a drama, she was like the opposite of a fair-weather friend. When she was happy , I wouldn't hear from her then as soon as a guy broke up with her... Boom I'm needed again. She didn't want to share the good times with me, only to shoulder her burdens. I realised I don't have time for that in my life, so while she was happy and didn't contact me, I didn't attempt to contact her and when I got the inevitable call, I 'wasn't available'. We haven't spoken for over 2 years now. I felt let down by her for many reasons and I don't regret my decision. I've heard she now leans hard on another of her friends who is having her own family problems. Some people never change. Good luck. Xx

 

[Storm1jet2]

Believe me its best to walk away, there is no way you can deal with her and a newborn baby and you need to put your family first!

 

[2have4kids]

Imagine all that crap happening when you've had no sleep because you're nursing your baby? You made the right decision. I did the same thing as well last year around this time. My friend was all drama, she was a serial dater and constantly getting dumped for stupid things. Since I told her we were ttc and needing assisted iui/IVF she started telling me to just adopt from her fav country Brazil. I was like what? Why the F would I do that? Then on her dates she started announcing that she def didn't want kids to which she quickly got the boot again. But why would she say this other than to reflect on what I'm going through?
Christmas Day she blabbered in front of my parents that we should just adopt again and that was it. I emailed her that I didn't want to hear that ever again that we'd love to have our own kids and was there something terribly wrong with that? She got all defensive and nasty and so I haven't spoken to her again. At least I don't need to be the shoulder to cry on when she's had her sorry arse dumped again. She's just rude & crude and I couldn't take the drama. We are choosing a new life path, you will find many new friends with your pregnancy classes and new born play dates. We keep those friends in our lives because we need them but at some point, if they can't accept feedback and don't want to listen, they (and we) need to move on.

 

[Amalee]

I think everyone has friends like that once in a while. You made the right decision. For some reason, these people either don't know or don't care how selfish they are being. After listening to a friend complain and cry about an ex-boyfriend for about two years, who she continued to let have a place in her life even after it ruined a relationship with a great guy and a few friendships. Finally I told her that I couldn't listen to anything she had to say about him anymore. I told her that it sounded really unhealthy, I felt like I was enabling by listening and validating her fixation, and that at that point, she would probably be better off talking to a licensed therapist if she had more to say about it. She was very understanding at the time and said she knew she had to get over enough. However, after a few weeks of interrupting her and saying, "No, we aren't talking about him anymore, remember?" and changing the subject, I stopped hearing from her, she deleted and blocked me from all social media sites, and stopped replying to my calls and texts. That was 4 years ago.

Some people just have relationships solely for their own reasons. As soon as you try to make it balanced, they move on to find someone else to carry their burdens. It's not something I understand, and I think it's pretty sad that they don't seem interested in real friendships. I'm sorry you've lost a friend, but I think you'll be happier to make new friends who are interested in a 2 way friendship instead of a one sided free therapy session!

 

[wtbmummy]

I'm sorry you have had to go through this with your friend. I too have lost a friend during pregnancy

We met because she is my husbands best friends wife. We had a great friendship n she was even my witness at our wedding. They started trying for a baby before us (feb last year) with no luck. We tried once and fell straight away.
Me n my husband felt terrible and therefore decided that we would tell them earlier and face to face. So at 8weeks we went round and told them.
Well after that my friend started talking to me less and less (we used to have lunch once a week but she was suddenly always to busy) I understood it was hard and never mentioned the baby. The last time we spoke October when she actually lied to me. (Our husbands work together and he let something slip to my DH)

Well I have been forever upset about this as if they had fallen first I would have supported her despite being jealous as thats what friends do.

Well last monday her husband was on holiday. At 6.30pm we got a call from them (hubby thought maybe change of plan for work as they were leaving at 5am)
However..... It was to tell us that they are 12weeks pregnant!!!! The reason they phoned, so she could put it on fb!!! I have still not heard from her a week later and my hubbys best friend couldnt even ask his wife to wait less than 12hours so he could respectfully tell him in person.
It has been very awkward for my DH at work since as they a two man team. But we have lost so much respect for them and hubby now feels like this guy he has known since they were 10years old is almost not worth our friendship with all these lies that keeps coming up

I hope u can work it out with ur friend. The same as I do with mine. Its so hard but they say u find out who your real friends are when your pregnant!!!!

 

[catty]

Yes yes yes yes!!

A particular friend I have does this often.
One example would be she threw me a surprise baby shower, it was really nice of her and we all had a great day. That night some of the girls went into town after but she went home as she was tired. When she found out they were in town I got txt after txt telling me how upset she was. How she wants a baby so someone will lover her, basically making me feel terrible and making out that having a baby is very easy and il have such a perfect life and she wont etc.

Then when I had him it was like a competition of who could see him the most with my other friends, calling herself auntie and getting annoyed if she hadnt seen him that week, ig anyone else had been round to my house shed get angry that they see him more than her! My son is not a toy!!!!

Its quite a constant thing atm and im working on distancing myself, I really have no advice but if the relationship doesnt bring you happiness and is stressing you then distance yourself!!!

 

[2have4kids]

Some people just have relationships solely for their own reasons. As soon as you try to make it balanced, they move on to find someone else to carry their burdens.
...you'll be happier to make new friends who are interested in a 2 way friendship instead of a one sided free therapy session!

Beautifully said. This is EXACTLY it. When it feels like you're providing free therapy sessions, it's time to go!

 

[geekiemama]

Omg, thank you girls!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories with me. It makes me feel so much better. It's still hard, but it's good to know that I'm not the only one who has had that happen to her.

When my friend said those things to me, it was just astounding. It was like, "You realize there are lightyears of difference between the things you THINK I said to you and the things you ACTUALLY just said to me, right?" I couldn't fathom why she couldn't understand that this was for my baby! And this was the person I made the maid of honor at my wedding, can you believe it?

Honestly I can go through most days just fine without even remembering it happened at all. The first month was very hard for that, but with time it got easier. It was just that recently I went and did a maternity photo session and was missing having someone my age to talk about it with. I think I'll start feeling better in a few days.

When I move back to my hometown in May, I'll send her an email so that we can finally talk face to face. If she snubs it, or if the talk doesn't go well, then at least I'll have closure knowing the friendship truly is over!

 

[RCAFWife]

Sounds like my mom, but I can't really get rid of her :/

 

[pegi]

i'm struggling with a friend also, weve been friends 10 years we used to keep our horses on the same farm so spent alot of time together anyway before me and my OH bought our house together i mentioned to her i might have to sell my horse as i would struggle financially etc anyway she talked me out of it and i really thought it was because she cared for me and knew how much it would upset me to sell him ......4 very hard years later i realised i couldn't afford it any longer and we were planning a wedding so i sold him she didnt speak to me for weeks and i really needed a friend, finally she rang me the day she got our wedding invite and it seemed things were forgotten.........when i had my miscarriage she didnt come round to see me as she was always to busy with the horses and the more i thought of things we have lived in our house 5 years and shes probaly been 5 times!!!! if we see eachother its always because i go to hers or to the farm, since becoming pregnant ive really made no effort chasing her as being quite honest i cant be bothered anymore, i spoke to her on the phone yesterday and invited her round as i sill have her xmas present because i refuse to go to her house she said she would see how much time she had...obviously didnt come so thats me done now, im sad to loose her as weve been friends a long time but my life is moving forward and unfortunatley its without her.

 

[Mii]

I had a friend I recently lost
She was actually the reason I met my fiance (she was dating his step brother at the time and introduced us) I really should have broken the friendship off sooner but I dont have many friends so I didn't want to. (after I had my first son she constantly asked me to go out drinking (ALWAYS last minute and when we would actually make plans she always backed out or came up with an excuse or would back out because she found something better to do :/ ) and she would always get moody when I wouldn't be able to (because she should always ask last minute and NEVER give me any time to find a babysitter, I remember one time, after saying I couldn't because I didn't have time to find a babysitter she said "oh yeah, you have a son." (my son was about 1yr old at this time....)
jump forward a few months and I started going to school for cosmetology. She would always ask if I could do her hair and I said yes. (not only did I DO her hair, I bought the color, would pick her up and drop her off and she NEVER paid me or gave me gas money.. nothing)
so once I found out I was pregnant again I told her I couldn't a ford to keep doing her hair unless she paid me for the products and gas. she said that was fine, low and behold though she ended up not talking to me.
One night (about 3 months later) I did another friends hair (just a simple up-do, no color, no products needed, this friend actually DROVE herself to my house and said she would take me out to the movies for me doing her hair) well this friend put a picture of me doing her hair up on instagram and my other friend (the one who stopped talking to me) flipped out.
After HER not contacting me for 3 months she text me pretty much saying I was ignoring her and how I ALWAYS do this to her and how I ALWAYS put guys before my friends and how my fiance is just going to end up a drunk like his step brother (the guy she dated/broke up with/ and is now hooking up with) and how I need to "man up" and be a better friend to her.

I almost lost it, but being the more mature person I just deleted her from social media, deleted her number from my phone and didn't reply to her text.
I mean, of course it upset me that she would try and start something when I am 8 months pregnant (ps this happened only a few weeks ago) and not consider the stress she was putting on me and the baby, not only that she was insulting my fiance who she has no idea what he is like (not only does he rarely drink but he works AND goes to school to better his career and support our growing family) and the fact that she referred to him as "some guy" when he is not only my fiance, but my babies father and my family

sorry for the long post lol but I can relate.. it sucks but honestly if all they are going to do is cause stress its better to just not have them in your life.

 

[RCAFWife]

I find that I get more stress and more emotionally needy people trying to share their problems with me now more than when I wasn't pregnant. Maybe they feel that we got pregnant to spite them and they're taking their frustrations out on us to punish us for it. Sure seems like it! I know it sounds depressing, but I can't help but feel that this is the real reason. I think it boils down to the fact that emotionally needy people can't help themselves or who they complain to, and they'll never see that they are causing others stress and pain because they're selfish.

I'm so sorry you guys have to go through this stress from your friends while you are pregnant. Even when you're not pregnant, it's still hard. Speaking of which, one of my emotionally needy friends just spammed my phone with more texts...some day I will throw this phone out the window!!

 

[sojourn]

There are lots of friends that will fall by the way-side when your life changes.

I have become a lot closer to some casual friends and a lot more casual with some close friends since getting married and, subsequently, having children. The people whose lives are changing at the same pace tend to have more to bond over than the people who are doing different things.

My high-school BFF is one of those intensely needy friends. She always expected to be the one that went to college, got a job, got married, had a baby in the perfect, right order. We always kind of expected that I would go to art school, be a weirdo travelling hobo that couch surfed for a couple of months a year. She never grew up (30, lives with mom and dad, whines like a teenager about not having money/parents rules etc.) and is basically just angry that I got married and had babies first. I did my globe-trotting and then grew up. She's stuck in a self-imposed, failure-to-launch limbo and can't get over her own resentment and be happy. I got sick of her whining about 5 years ago, and decided to distance myself from her to protect my sanity.

She gets mad at me for hanging out with "her" friends/ex-boyfriends/former friends etc. because we're all grown, working, married procreating people and we tend to have things to talk about.

I say, keep your distance and protect yourself. Your mental health is extremely important. You will make new friends, even if it's hard.

Good luck!

 

[BubbleMonkey]

Wow, this sounds very fimiliar. Well Iv not known my friend for as long only about 3-4 years. She has bipolar and I suffered from an Eating Disorder so when we first met we clicked straight away and were friends ever since.

She has 2 gorgeous children a boy and a girl and when I first told her my OH and I were trying for a baby she had alot of opinion about it. About how expensive things would be, what about college and money and free time and how hard raising a baby will be while the OH is still in the army (he left in the summer but she would know this if she would get in touch)

So I just thought she was being a conciderate friend and thinking about things maybe I didnt think of (however we thought and spoke about this for months)
Im 26 years old now and with everything we as a couple have been through we know the timing is right we want this more thn anything, so, started trying, with no pressure.

In october I organised a girls night while OH went to poland for a lads weekend and I obviously invited my friend, I concidered her as my best friend since I didnt keep in touch with friends from school or childhood. And she was all for coming but then, last minute got a text saying she couldnt face people and was having a really hard time with life and thinking of dropping out of college so I knew it must be serious so I said I understood and to make sure she called me the next day and let me know she was ok and we would meet for coffee and a chat through the week......I havent heard from her since October!
She has been on facebook, posted pictures of a girls night out she had with other friends a week or two after my night out was planned. Which kind of hurt my feelings. Iv tried several times a week to call her and she wont answer Iv text, messaged on facebook and tried my very best to show that Im here for her but I have had nothing back! not so much as even an Im ok leave me alone! text. So I actually havent told her that I am pregnant. I am now 15 weeks, we actually concieved the night before OH went to poland.
She is bound to have been on facebook and we put our scan photo up after our first scan so somehow she is bound to know the news and still....not even as much as a congratulations or, what have you done message.

I just find it weird how these things happen when the lime light is taken from them they seem to forget that good things can happen to others and that being happy for others doesnt have to be heartbreaking, I never thought in a millions years that she would never get in touch after this news and always thought she would be the most supportive!

Iv even had messages from old school friends that I dont really talk to anymore saying congrats you'll be a great mummy.....

Weird!

 

[toffee87]

I hear ya, and at some point you have to do what is best for you and your baby. If they can't be there for you, they really aren't worth worrying about xxx