Question for those with male factor...

[Mrs G]

Hi girls


Couple of questions for those of you with male factor.

How has your oh been about it?
Have you told people you're having treatment?
Have you told them (if they're nosy and asked) why?

DH is refusing to let me tell anyone we'll be having ICSI. No-one knows we're ttc at all. I've even said I'll say it's because of me we're having it.

I don't think we can go through treatment with no-one knowing but he is adamant no one is to know.

Any thoughts??
Thanks, Kath x

 

[MayMay]

Hi Kathy!
My DF was and still is highly impacted by his diagnosis. For him, and from what I've heard from others, his ability to reproduce is STRONGLY tied to his identity as a man. He grew up with the idea that reproducing is what men do (ultimately speaking of course) and to not be able to father children naturally was a VERY SERIOUS blow to his ego, his concept of who he is, what he is made of... everything! It changed everything for him. He is laden with insecurity, guilt and pressure (he puts on himself) because he thinks he's a failure. If he doesn't have sperm, is he a man? type thing. He knows that if we go with donor sperm or adoption his family's bloodline stops with him. And that weighs heavy on him. Fortunately he has a nursing background so he is aware of the odds and that these things happen and that helps him logically get on but as a result of his emotions I haven't told anyone but my own mother. He told his best friend (who's a nurse) and his parents. But it is difficult to navigate this area cuz while he needs emotional protection, I need emotional support and I can't be completely bold face honest with him being he is very sensitive. That's why I'm here occasionally, as an outlet to my frustration. (I'm sure I come across as a total witch but that's ok with me cuz I need somewhere to vent the bad stuff and DF isn't the one to dump it on.)
My advice, cuz you need support too is to talk to you husband about how you're feeling and perhaps decide on one friend you can tell. Maybe someone who isn't in your life everyday but she's still close at heart. Having someone outside the circumstances is important for BOTH of you. If you are going to a clinic there usually is complimentary counselling. Perhaps if you express a desire to talk with someone there your husband won't feel so exposed and vulnerable.

good luck!!

 

[vineyard]

My husband was really good about it but it's due to a surgery he has as a toddler. I think that helped to pinpoint the reason to something medically caused. He allowed me to tell whoever I wanted. I'm a talker and needed to tell my family. We both told our bosses as it requires a lot of time off of work to go to all the appointments.

It's a hard boat to be in. But, hang in there!!!

 

[rachelle1975]

Hey chick!

When we got our diagnosis DH was in tears - absolute floods. I was the one who was focussed and quite strong and said 'it's okay, we'll have IVF and it'll be okay'. After a while he calmed down but did not want anyone to know. He told his mum as she'd been asking but he hasn't told his dad (they are divorced) and has only told 1 guy at work who is a good friend. He doesn't like to discuss it with other people and tends to bury his head in the sand a lot - he does a mean ostrich impression!

I am way too open for my own good! My friends all know we are having IVF and those close know why. DH would happily tell nobody though. I find talking therapeutic and the majority of people have been so supportive - i think if you don't see it as a 'big deal' then nobody else does - plus since telling a handful of people i now know of 5 people who have had IVF that worked!

We got the usual 'are you trying' and if they are asking them i don't tell them and normally say i'm saving for a by one get one free offer! Our friends new we were trying for a baby and when it took a different direction i told the majority of them since we see them on a regular basis.

I also told DH that i would say it was down to me but he said it didn't make any difference - i think men see it differently and it makes them feel like 'failures' even if it isn't down to male factor whereas i think us girlies have a habit of 'getting on with it'.... a very good trait to have!!

I think you need to speak to your DH and tell him that you have to have someone to speak to because you can't do it alone - do you have any close female friends you can confide in who won't tell DH that they know? my MIL knows and she has been an overwhelming nightmare but DH told her to back off and she has calmed down a bit now... couldn't be doing with her crying as it had nothing to do with her!

 

[obe]

My OH will tell anyone who will listen! Ive kept it to myself apart from close friends, but non of my family or work mates know. Our situation is a little different as my partner had a reversal which hasnt gone as well as we hoped! I dont have any children of my own, Im not the kind of person to be very open about personal issues where as hes quite happy to talk about it.
One day I will have to come clean and spill the beans when we need fertility treatment, but for now, id rather people didnt know.
Dont push your OH too hard but make sure you keep things off your chest with each other, when hes ready to tell people, he will.
And you have always got us to talk to chick!!!

 

[peartree]

We only found out a few weeks ago, so early days yet. The day we found out, I had the day off and he was working from home. He just went back to work as normal after the GP visit. That night and for about a week afterwards, I brought up subject of 'what if we never could have our own kids', adoption, etc... but he wasn't really willing to talk about it and kept saying 'I don't know'. Turns out, after one particular talk, that he feels like he's failing me. It hurts me that he said this, so I've given him all the reassurance I can, and if it had been the other way, he wouldn't feel like I was failing him, so he shouldn't feel like that.

He's a very private person and he hasn't told anyone. I've told two of my very closest friends, one of whom had trouble herself with unexplained infertility. Another very friend knows that we're ttc but haven't had success. I haven't told anyone else, not even my family. Every friend who asks about 'when is *insert name of their baby* going to have a friend'? gets met with just a smile, or 'when she or he comes'.

I haven't asked for his permission to mention this to my friends... a part of me feels very guilty that I've betrayed his confidence, but at the time, I really needed someone to talk to. I don't think he knows that I've told them. He walked in on one phone call so he might know, but he hasn't mentioned anything.

 

[Ilove]

Obviously its incredibly hard for any man, but Im very proud of how my husband has handled it, he says he realises its no-ones fault, it doesnt make him less of a man, its going to be ok etc and hes being strong for us on the outside

Inside I really think hes hurting just as much as any man would be. He doesnt mind talking about it though and so far we have told my family, but not his...the right moment has never come up...

Once we start treatment I will definitely tel everyone. Its painful for him but we need the support. Hopefully with time your oh will see that that is best. If not were always here to talk to

 

[Farie]

When DF found out he totally clammed up for a day or so, literally just went silent and introverted. But that was his way of coping, he knows how much a baby means to him, and that it means even more to me, so it was 'a big kick in the nuts, apparently not what I need' (his words!)
He did deal with it though, and although I'm pretty sure he would rather people didn't know the exact reasons why we have been referred for IVF/IUI.

I'm a little like Rosh and find talking therapeutic, so most of our close friends know most of the story, although not 'exactly' why we need help.

It is, at the end of the day, a huge blow to either one of you to find that you are the reason you don't have a child yet, that is always going to be hard. I find that as long as we talk we are ok about it all.

 

[Lawhra]

My BF didn't seem to take it seriously to begin with. I think it didn't really sink in. Then he was shocked it was him. He doesn't like the fact that it's "one of us". Years ago an ex told him she was pregnant and very shortly after said she'd miscarried. Now, I know this does happen a lot, but there was something very fishy about it and I told him I didn't think she was being truthfull. So, when he found out his diagnosis, he said he wanted to tell her and ask her if she lied. He was not very happy.
I also think that he thought it was a problem with me and so the news really was quite a shock to him. One of my first day 21 blood tests came back as negative (I later found out the person who told me was wrong, it was positive), so for a while we thought I wasn't ovulating. I also have mild PCOS, had superficial endo and have a rare blood group and rhesus negative blood. But, none of these things should be affecting the lack of conception, my son took 10 months to conceive in a previous relationship, without 'trying'.

All of it was quite a blow to him really and he felt bad that it was "his fault" And said a few silly things like "maybe i'm not the man for you then". He clearly didn't know how to handle it. I tried to be positive, but he just wouldn't go along with it.
He told his family and I think he has told a few friends. He knows i'm a talker and has never asked me to keep it a secret. He seems unfazed about telling people. I'm not quite sure if that is his denial or if he is just not fussed about people knowing.

I can completely understand you needing to talk to people. Maybe giving your DH some time to understand and think will change his reluctance to talk to people. And as has been said, you can talk to us on here for the time being

 

[Mrs G]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I know that dh will come round and tell people at some stage. We're going to the clinic for a look round this week so maybe that will get things straight in his head and he'll be a bit more open to the idea.