rant: MIL

[flou]

Maybe I am just being a bit over emotional due to hormones but my MIL really upset me this evening. I am about to go on maternity leave and my colleagues brought me some baby related presents and one of them is a baby record book. I am only taking 3 months off work which is not very much in the UK but I am a teacher so will only go back to work for about 4 weeks before I am off again for another 2 months. The reason for the short maternity leave is my place of work only gives me statutory maternity pay and I am the main breadwinner we just can't really afford me to take more time off. Anyway DH will be primary carer of our son whilst I'm working and I will take over so he can take on more work whilst I'm on school holidays. I already feel guilty about this. We have had a long emotional journey to get this far and our lil man is definitely much longed for. Anyway DH was showing her the baby record book I was given and my MIL said to my DH you are going to have to write in that as Louise (me) is going to miss all that. I don't think she realises how guilty I already feel. I know DH does as I've spoken to him about my fears. It just really upset me. I just want to do my best by my son. And I wish we could afford it that I could be a stay at home mum but our situation just hasn't worked out that way. I just not sure how I am going to cope with going back to work and feeling like I am missing out on so much.

 

[Hangin_On_AGS]

3 months sounds wonderful to many women in the states since we only usually get 6 weeksish. And only 4 weeks between our going back and another two months off again will fly! You won't miss much plus you'll be home every night. Don't listen to your MIL you are doing what's best for your family and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about that at all. Tell her your very blessed that ds will get quality bonding time with you both together than dh for a month and than you for another 2. Sounds like a very well rounded up bringing to me.

 

[Perplexed]

3 months is amazing, around here we only get 6 weeks. You have nothing to feel guilty for as you are providing for your family. You should be very proud of yourself!

 

[BabyCleo]

Aw don't feel guilty! As parents we have to do the best we can and it sounds like you have an awesome set up

 

[mod19]

I know you UK ladies are used to a lot more time off with your babies, and I'm sorry that you have to make the painful decision of going back to work so soon. That comment would hurt me too. Especially since her being a mother knows how hard it must be to leave your newborn. Imo that was harsh of her to say and a low blow, but that's just how I would personally take it. I would let it go this time and just talk to Dh about it, but if she says it again I would put her in her place. Obviously you are making this decision because it's the right one for your family, not because you want to.

 

[Button#]

That's a horrible thing for her to say but it's not neccessarily true. My DH had 3 weeks paternity leave and went back to work full time and has been here for every first. In fact I missed LOs first smile as I was in the bath at the time and his first smile was for his daddy.

It must be hard to go back early but I have known a couple of women who have done the same as they were the main breadwinners, they still managed to have an amazing bond with their children.

 

[lola85]

I wouldn't let get to you! People can be so insensitive and judgemental. Your doing your best and as long as you and hubby are happy with your arrangement then baby will be happy also. I think it's great that dad will get some time at home with baby after you do also.
I find with in laws I can never win when we decided I was going to stay home and not return to work (this was due to not being able to find flexible childcare to work round both our shifts) my in laws made some dig about me spending all my hubby's money despite my mil not going back to work after her kids! I was also compared to my SIL their 'favourite' (their words!) daughter in law who couldn't possibly give up her job as it's far too important...unlike mine lol!

 

[Perplexed]

Yeah as pp said sometimes with your in laws you just can't win and they'll find something wrong with whatever you do.

 

[Eline]

That's a very hurtful comment. Did you show at the time how much she hurt you by saying that? If she ever makes a comment like that again, I would definitely show her how you feel. And maybe ask your OH to respond as well. Is there a special reason why your OH isn't the main bread winner?

 

[flou]

Thanks ladies. I didn't show my emotions at the time but I did speak to DH about it and he was really comforting and supportive. And he did say to his mum at the time that I won't miss stuff as im only back at work for a short period of time before being off again. And by the time I go back properly our lil man will be nearly 6 months old. I also know DH wishes our work situation was reversed but we are doing what is right for our son. DH is self employed. He works in computer aided design but his work isn't regular and as consequence I earn alot more than him and as a regular pay check. So the way we hope and plan to do it is for the best. And I do think it will be good for our child to share being primary carer. I don't want him to grow up thinking only women can look after babies. My DH has had to deal with people (mainly from an older generation) saying things like I hope you will be able to cope being the stay at home parent as a dad, and things like that. I know he will do a fantastic job and he will be a brilliant father.

 

[calm81]

I really hate people that offer their opinions if not asked for it. Especially when it's a touchy subject of finances and child upbringing.

Welcome to parenthood. I've had to turn the other cheek a few THOUSAND times when someone felt the need to let me in on something I should alter. Pffft.


You're doing a great job and sounds to me like you and your husband are going to have a terrific co-parenting relationship.

 

[mod19]

Ugh your hubby has to deal with carp too? Man that pisses me off. I know quite a few people where the dad stays home with the kids because he works from home. It doesn't mean they're less than men and it certainly doesn't call for anyone to throw their two cents in. Its called being smart. No child care costs while still earning a living = genious. Times have changed people. A man can take care if his kids just as well ad a woman can. Personally I can't wait to see Dh hold his little girl for the first time.

I'm sorry you two have to deal with all these stupid people's comments. I'd start telling them to mind their own damn business, but I'm nit afraid to be rude either.

 

[captainj1]

hi there

I'm the main breadwinner in our family too, although DH does work full time on a much lower wage. With my son I took 6 months off which was considered short in the UK, my son arrived a week late and I finished work 2 weeks before he arrived, so in reality he was 5 months old when I went back to work and he went to nursery full time at that stage. He wasn't crawling although he could sit up and was rolling at that stage.

DH is the primary carer for DS around nursery; I work abroad a lot and am away in London quite a bit too. If we get a call from nursery that he is ill, DH is the one who picks him up. DH does more bedtimes than me. DH gets up to DS in the night to him mostly (especially now i'm heavily pregnant with number 2).

I have a great bond with DS. I make every effort to keep my weekends work free so that the time we have together is totally for him (and DH although he is a bit secondary to be honest!). He goes to me and DH for different things - with DH he does the rough and tumble stuff and he does the softer stuff with me and gives me loads of hugs and kisses and we do jigsaws and play board games and ipad. DH and DS wind each other up (they are too similar!) and DS comes to me for comfort or to tell on Daddy. he gets upset when I have to go away (but is easily bribed with a promise of a present) and he likes facetime so he can see me and kiss me goodnight if i'm working away (although he gets bored with it very quickly!). He has a great time at nursery, is developmentally advanced, very socially confident, empathetic and caring.

I can honestly say I don't feel I have missed a milestone moment. Things like walking don't just suddenly happen - they tend to take tentative steps and over the space of a few days gain more confidence. However, I also always looked at it from the perspective that MY moment was the moment I first saw DS do something - that way, we each had our moments. I remember when DS and I first shared the experience of him rolling, walking, etc - I honestly do not know or care if anyone else saw it first and had their own experience. The joy comes from seeing it for yourself, not from learning about it from someone else. In reality the nursery staff probably saw things first, but they don't tell you as they don't want to take away the joy from YOUR first experience of it.

Please don't make yourself feel guilty. You are doing what is best for your family and you will be there to feel the joy as your child develops and grows.

 

[flou]

Thank you captain for your words. I am nervous about going back to work after our lil man is born but I do know that DH will be a great father and its the best thing for our family. And I can't wait to be a Mum and all the experiences that come with it. Thank you again for your reassuring words.

 

[LisaL79]

I guess I'm the only one that didn't think what she said was all that bad. Unless she said it in a snotty disapproving tone... then... meh.
I understand feeling guilty about going back to work, but ya know... you shouldn't. You are doing what is best for your family and you should not feel guilty about that at all.