Rant thread!

[tommyg]

I just need a moan, I was going to write on the main LTTTC vent thread but then realized the girl in front had a moan about 2ndry infertility not being as bad as primary.

I want anowether baby every bit as much as I wanted my first.

I just want another baby 2 of my clo se friends are 21 and 19 weeks, one due December the other January. There is only 4 weeks between our first children and why can I not join their club??

I'm happy for them but at the same.time upset im not part of the club.


When will it be my turn?

 

[WhiteOrchid24]

I totally understand how you feel. I've had so many ppl say "well at least you have one" and while they are right and I feel so grateful that I do, it doesn't take away from the fact that I still desperately want another baby and can't have one.

What I also find hard with Secondary Infertility is the fact that you just don't expect it. I honestly thought we would be pregnant with our 2nd within a couple of months.... this month will be 18 months TTC and 20 since we started. I keep thinking how I could have been pregnant twice in that time!!!

3 of my best friends are all pregnant with their 2nd due in the next few months, and while delighted for them I'm upset that I'm not there with them, especially since my wee guy is 3 1/2 and all of their children are 1-2 years younger..... On top of that it seems like every week I hear about someone else who is pregnant and it's getting to be so hard.....

Rants are allowed - sometimes it's the only way to deal with it and then hopefully you feel a bit better, and this is the best place to do it since we all understand. Hope you are feeling ok

 

[vaniilla]

I know how you feel pretty much everyone I know that started ttc when we did (and those much later) are all pregnant now. We hit 2 years this month and it feels like nobody understands.

I really hope you get your bfp soon

 

[CaliDreaming]

It took me a long-ish time to conceive my dd--8 months--and I was getting to the point where I was worrying that there was a problem. Still secondary infertility has taken me by surprise. I felt that after conceiving #1 I had everything all figured out. I still can't get over how wrong I was 22 months later, after 2 failed rounds of clomid/bravelle/ovidrel, hsg, lap, hysterscopy, tons of $$$$ spent on medical bills, supplements, accupuncture and ttc aides, and an enormous amount of mental anguish.

It's really hurtful to see women suffering from primary infertility minimizing our pain, but at the same time I remember being in their shoes and not understanding why they were so anguished about not having a second when they had one. Now I feel like it's some type of karma at work against me and wish I could take back every mean thought I had back then (I never could bring myself to write it publicly on a message board). One thing I really didn't think about back then is when you have a child, you also are worrying about them and whether they will feel deprived not having a sibling, and constantly being surrounded by their friends, who almost all will have siblings.

I think that it's pointless to compare whether primary or secondary infertility is "worse". It may be worse to be hit by a train than to be hit by a car, but they're both pretty dang bad.

Also, I think it really depends on the woman's circumstances. Maybe the first baby was an "oops" with a guy she didn't love, but the second is one she wanted to give to the love of her life. There are many situations where it's easy to see how secondary infertility may be more painful for that particular woman.

 

[tommyg]

Thanks ladies, makes me feel better knowing im not alone. You are right it's not fair of.anyone to trivialize anyone else's concerns. I was really lucky and fell pregnant after 6 mths with DS. Yes the though of having been able to cook two babies in the time it's taken me to conceive, even my early loss would have been here by now.
Can I continue my rant about people who try to determine the exact month their child is born or avoiding siblings birthday. - Im sorry but I couldn't care less if Baby 2 landed on DS birthday, wouldn't be ideal but you'd manage.

 

[vaniilla]

Amen to that! people always say to us "omg I bet you would hate to have another october baby" and then there are people who plan it to avoid certain seasons

 

[CaliDreaming]

LOL, I remember when I was first trying, I had preferred months I wanted the baby to be born. That feels like sooooooo long ago. Now I just want a baby ASAP and don't care about when it happens, even if it is inconvenient for me.

 

[eyemom]

I'm so glad you started this thread! I agree that it's even harder because you never see it coming! It's also hard because I see so many people around me who have want we wanted. Like at church for instance, seems like all the kids dd's age have little brothers or sisters or their moms are pregnant. Since I had a miscarriage, it feels even more like someone is missing from our family. It also gets hard dealing with innocent comments from people who have no clue like, "Time to have another!" I know they are just like I was before this happened to us...they assume because we could have one, we should be able to have another. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes I wish they would just mind their own business. At least that is easier to deal with than one guy...I didn't even know him...he lectured me about how I don't want my kids to be too far apart in age and he really ran it into the ground! All hopes for my kids being as close in age as I had hoped are pretty much gone...not even close anymore!

 

[tommyg]

Tbh I just tell people we're working on it but it's just no happening!
It tends to shut people up.

 

[eyemom]

I always think about saying something but I don't. A friend was telling me recently about a couple she knows. When people would ask them, "Don't you want another?" they'd say, "Yes, we really want one. And we are trying. I mean, REALLY TRYING." lol...but I don't know if I have it in me to say something like that. But I did think it was an interesting way to turn the awkward feeling back around on the person asking.

 

[JJKCB]

yep some people dont understand its not all roses

due to circumstance I didn't get to enjoy anything of a normal pregnancy (miles from family friends, homeless due to both losing our jobs at 8 weeks - I didn't get to tell anyone, have a baby shower, decorate a nursery or buy anything... I didn't even get to hold my son when he was born because of a medical emergency, it wasn't until the next morning I saw him, I couldn't even breastfeed as I produced no milk - my son also never got to experience a first b-day party etc... as friends and family lived too far to travel through the blizzard - I feel we where robbed of so much that people take for granted)

I love my son more than anything but I would like to have that happy experience at least once, my son also deserves the chance to have a sibling - but everyone assumes that it doesn't matter once you have one

 

[tommyg]

I'm feeling it again today. We both had the cold last week and think I've missed ovulation. I don't know what makes people who don't really know you think they can ask the question "when are you thinking of another?" We were at a wedding on Friday and one of husbands cousins asked. I gave my usual response " been trying for 18 mths" but now I feel upset that their is potential that his entire extended family now know.

Fingers crossed that I'll at least be of the starting blocks before my 2 friends give birth in Devember and January.

 

[eyemom]

I'm feeling it again today. We both had the cold last week and think I've missed ovulation. I don't know what makes people who don't really know you think they can ask the question "when are you thinking of another?" We were at a wedding on Friday and one of husbands cousins asked. I gave my usual response " been trying for 18 mths" but now I feel upset that their is potential that his entire extended family now know.

Fingers crossed that I'll at least be of the starting blocks before my 2 friends give birth in Devember and January.

Aw yeah that is hard. My friend just gave birth to her second daughter. I'm struggling b/c even though I'm happy for her, the one I miscarried in my heart was a girl. And my girls would have been the same distance apart. My friend got pregnant well after my m/c and she's delivered and everything and here I am still not pregnant.

Usually I don't say anything when people make comments about having another. But for whatever reason, one of my patients asked me recently (she's one of my favorites and I've been seeing her for a few years so I didn't think she was totally out of line or anything). And I responded something like, "yeah, we're finding it's not so easy the second time around." And boy did she clam up. I wasn't really trying to be vindictive, and I don't think my tone had any anger in it. But still it didn't feel as good as I thought it would. I was feeling kind of bad about it for the rest of the evening.

Hope you didn't miss your window. GL to you.

 

[tommyg]

I've never had a regular cycle so consider getting pregnant with DS as a huge stroke of luck.

Totally know where you are coming from with your friend, my 2 both have kids the same age as DS, only days between him and one of theirs and 4 weeks with the other. One friend I met after having DS the other I've known for 20 years.

 

[Plex]

I can so relate to this thread.

I think its extremely narrow minded to play down anyones experience of infertility whether it be primary or secondary. It is also hugely soul destroying to get a at ANY stage of TTC if the child is so wanted and planned for. Anyone who says differently hasnt been through it. LTTTC can apply to TTC your 1st,2nd,3rd,4th,5th etc child. It doesnt get easier just because you already have children.
I suffered from primary infertility (4.5years) aswell as secondary infertility now(22months).
I resent comments like - you should be grateful as you already have a child. Or the most annoying - maybe god only wanted you to have 1 / maybe you weren't meant to have children.
I think having a child already makes you know what your missing and what you cant give the child you already have.
got a bit carried away there to begin with, sorry bout that

 

[tommyg]

Your right people do play infertility down. I definitely want another for my sons benefit too im sure he will gain so much from a sibling.
I know how great it is to have our son around so want to experience that again.