3xscharmer
4 earth babies!
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- Mar 23, 2010
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I lost my son Zane 5 weeks and 2 days ago at 17 weeks. I have had 6 early miscarriages (1 healthy DD) and to loose my son so far in is devastating. My pregnancy with him was going pretty good, I'd had some spotting from weeks 4-6 but he held in there and I finally made it past the dreaded 12 week mark. I wasn't neive enough to consider myself "safe" and I was constantly worrying about every little thing and constantly dreaming that he wouldn't make it, waking up crying so relieved it was just a nightmare...until that nightmare became my reality. On Thursday September 6th we went to one of those early ultrasound places and were told he was a boy and he looked perfect, HB was good, I wasn't dissapointed even though I wanted my DD to have a sister, I was coming to terms with it and we named Him William Zane because William is the family name. I love his name so much and it made me really excited to be having a boy. 3 days later on Sunday September 9th I woke up feeling funny, I had been feeling him moving for about 2 weeks and I just felt empty, I couldn't feel him at all. So I grabbed my HB monitor and started trying to find his HB but couldn't and I remember DH coming in and asking me if I'd found it yet and me telling him NO and then falling apart crying asking him why I couldn't find our baby. So I went to the local small hospital which didn't have an ultrasound department and they tried on their doppler and couldn't find anything so they transported me via ambulance to the big hospital with DH following us in the car. At the big hospital I waited forever for an ultrasound and when they gave me one they wouldn't let me see the screen but from my angle I could just see that green HB line and it was flat, I told DH and cried forever until the ER doc came in, I could see she was having trouble telling me, so I just said "it's bad news huh"? she said "yeah kid, I'm sorry there's no HB (fyi, I'm not a kid persay, I'm 24) so they sent me to L&D and I waited there for my doc, when she came in she did another ultrasound to be sure and she didn't hid the screen. I was given some tabs to bring on labor and at 2:22am on Setpember 10, 2012 my son was born with his umbilical cord wrapped tightly around his neck 3 times and his face discolored where he had been strangled. He was perfectly tiny, had his sisters nose and so beautiful. He was 4.4 ounces and 7 1/2 inches. I cried before I had him and after, but I didn't cry when I held him, he was just so beautiful and I wanted to remeber every detail so I just stared at him, I didn't speak except to ask DH if he wanted to hold him, I only touched him with my fingertip because he was just so fragile looking. I had some complications with my placenta so I had to have a D&C about 12 hours later. We left the hospital that evening and we brought him with us, we decided that too many times we've walked into a hospital pregnant and walked out with empty arms, so this time we got to bring our baby with us. I cried the 45 minutes to the funeral home and the 45 minutes home, sobbed actually. We creamated him and he's now in a heart necklace for me to wear. I picked the heart instead of the cross to replace the heart he took with him when he left me. I haven't worn it yet, DH was not happy with the chain part of the necklace, he said it was too flimsy and will get me a good one so it doesn't break. My house became a prision for me after that, I couldn't take showers with my dd because I knew the last time I took a shower with her my son was alive, doing laundry I would come across maternity clothes and other clothing I'd worn with Zane and I'd fall apart, on my knees in the laundry room sobbing while clutching those clothes. I would find myself holding my breath waiting to feel movements that were never going to come. It's been 5 weeks though and I'm doing somewhat better, I still cry at random moments and have been crying the whole time I've been typing this. We have decided that even after 7 losses and no explanations we are going to try again soon and that fills me with so much hope, I know that nothing can replace my son, I've had enough losses to know that one baby cannot replace another, but I need something positive to look forward tood. I hope that someday I will find myself back in the hospital but this time with a screaming healthy baby in my arms. I am so sorry to those who have had to endure this, the pain is un-measurable and pray that someday we are all blessed with our rainbows.
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