really down this tww

[ms sunshine]

im normally pretty ok in the tww and at the beginning of this cycle i was quite optimistic. anyway found out my neighbour is 3 months pregnant, but to fully understand i need to tell you what happened. we moved in knew straight away she was an alcoholic she seemed ok but not mates just neighbourly. then she gets a new boyfriend and we have music blasting from 9am to 2am for 4 months i try to explain im having to leave the house to get him to have naps and to stop the night music. i dont think it was down to her it was her boyfriend. we had to after months put a complaint in as it effected my son who was 1 that much he stopped pooing. she after being told of the complaint got aggressive and i tried to explain and reason with her but really impossible to reason with an alky. we had threats and had to get the police involved as he bf is total scum. anyway about 8 months of quietness and she gets her bf to smash our windows (she admits it via text to a mutual friend police have seen the text and apparently its hearsay). this was a yr ago and it really effected my son and now we are moving. hopefully in the next few months. then its on fb shes pregnant. hubby tells me wish he hadnt we might have moved before i noticed a bump. she drinks like a fish and does drugs.

i had a chemical last year i wasnt sure if it was because i was pushing my son in his pram takes my 35 mins to 40 to walk home so sort of blamed myself and seen her yesterday carryng heavy bags and fine. i am jealous in a way i know i am i look after myself am healthy and have poo luck. she is vile to my family and is unhealthy and has a healthy baby - i would never wish ill on a baby dont get me wrong i just am sick of it. borderline just giving up been trying for 15 months i think went for my fertility test and the stupid doc never told me it was a fasting blood test so cant even have that until next cycle. probably not helped with my son only letting me have 4 hrs sleep last night but its been such a poo day. i was convinced i was pg last cycle i was 3 weeks late i had confirmed o and af arrived i did a hpt but it was a few days before af and the doc said the hormones would have been too low by then so cant be 100% certain if i was or not but my lp is usually 10.

i was in counciling last yr so im trying my best with the things she said to do but its too much. at 36 by the end of 2 yrs most people get pg apparently and if i have been pg twice within that yr dont know if that means it adds on another yr. hubby is getting def up trying he wants holidays and to have a life (i didnt o when i fly as i cant cope with flying and i wont fly pregnant) so im on a timer. just feel life is poo at times. i know its a bit of a pitty party but i have to get it out before i go nuts