Really need some help with depression.

[cherryglitter]

Ever since I was a child i've had long bouts of depression.
It was never properly addressed until I was about 9 when I jumped infront of a car and told my Dad to run me over because I didn't want to live anymore

It really upsets me that I was this bad, so young.

Spoiler

I've had quite a hard upbringing (won't go into the details too much, but basically my Mum left the country when I was 6, no contact/money/cards/etc!) & some other things that have been quite hard to cope with over the years.
I also have a history of self harming

.

My depression got a lot worse after Jake, so I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, was put on 10mg of Citalopram for while and then I stopped taking them around the end of December.

Now i've started to feel the same again, really down and depressed and feeling like the only thing keeping me here is Jake. I don't ever doubt i'm a good Mum and he is my entire world.

I saw the doctor today and told her everything and how i've been feeling and she bumped my Citalopram up to 20mg a day. I started taking them today and im just feeling really helpless and like nothing anyone can do is going to help me.

It upsets me more because when I tell people things its always "well you seem so upbeat and happy all the time" So it makes me think like im the one being overdramatic.
Im not too sure what this post is actually about, I just feel like I needed to get it out of me.

I am so tearful all the time. Im always worrying about money (partners just had a paycut at work!) and I have terrible anxiety. I hate being in the house on my own and im very paranoid that something will happen to Jake.

I guess I just need some encouragement that things are going to get better.

I am due to go back to the doctors on the 8th of April so she can check on how im feeling.

 

[cherryglitter]

Stupidly long post!!

 

[laurajo24]

Big hugs hun. so sorry you're feeling this way. you're not being overdramatic, don't ever think that.

I've been suffering with depression and anxiety and have only just addressed it this past month.started 20mg citalopram last monday and feel it might be starting to kick in a bit.

I haven't really got any advice as i'm in the early stages of dealing with things but I just want you to know your not alone. I could've written your post myself.

Have you told your partner about how you're feeling? Telling my OH helped me admit just how bad things really were.

I really hope you can start to feel better soon x

 

[cherryglitter]

OH knows im on tablets and things. But he never really sees how upset I can be sometimes.
I spend most of the day crying or feeling like pulling my hair out.
I last self harmed around August last year because I had a major argument. I was on my anti'd's at the time and I'm sure they're what made me do it.
Ive only just realised that that can happen when you first start taking the meds!!

I just want to feel happy again but I never ever feel like I can be! Im so upset and miserable all the time. I feel sorry for my OH and like he could do better. xx

 

[sophisticat]

I am struggling with similar feelings at the moment, and same as you seem to have never been happy since around age 9/10 and also self harmed in the past. Pretty much everything you write I can relate with (apart from that I haven't had my baby yet, I guess), maybe we both will feel happy again one day but I think it will take patience and effort, at least on my part I know it will (but I should take my own advice, easier said than done). Just wanted you to know you're not the only one!

Don't have experience with citalopram but have been on fluoxetine twice quite successfully (I wouldn't say I was HAPPY, per se, but I functioned a lot better). At one point they had me on 60 mg a day before it had an effect, so give it time to work and find the right dosage for you. If it doesn't seem to help you then I know people have had success with switching to a different antidepressant. Has your GP referred you for counselling or CBT? I have been referred numerous times but always back out at the last minute, I am such a wuss when it comes to dealing with my problems like an adult. btw I also had that side effect with self harming again (after years of not doing it!) in the first couple of weeks of being on fluoxetine.

 

[cherryglitter]

Well last night I had some really strong feelings of self harm whilst I was in bed!
Took a lot of willpower to not get up and actually do anything. It was really strange... like I could just IMAGINE doing it, properly picturing it in my head.
Really horrible

I was referred for counselling and CBT but I too backed out. I wasn't a big fan of CBT anyway so didn't think it would have an affect on me. Counselling would be a good idea I guess but drawing everything out just makes me worse sometimes. Feel like it all needs to stay in the past!!x

 

[Teacher2]

There is a wonderful herb effective for stress and anxiety that is native to India and available in most health food stores called Holy Basil. Here is some research on it if you would like PMID: 19253862. Google PUBMED and put that number in the search engine to see the article. Also, since we make most of the feel good chemical, serotonin, in our gut, there is also good research on probiotics (whole food probiotics are the best) for major depressive disorders. PMID: 15617861
Both my wife and I have had very good results using Holy Basil plus it is good for so many other things.

 

[MrsKippling]

no advice but didnt want to read and run xx

 

[Jess137]

I'm bipolar and I did self harm before I was diagnosed and put on meds. The doctors originally thought I had depression and put me on antidepressants, but I got worse instead of better. I started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me correctly and I have been on meds for it since I was 16. Maybe if you saw a psychiatrist they could determine whether you have been correctly diagnosed.

I understand how you're feeling for the most part, except that I don't have a child yet. But I have thought in the past that DH could do better than with a crazy person like me. Also, anytime I tell anyone (like my coworkers) that I am bipolar, they don't believe me and say that I seem so "together and organized" all the time. That is frustrating to hear.

I know it doesn't necessarily help to tell you that things will get better, but with the right treatment, they can get better. I sincerely hope that the medicine increase will help you. Good luck with everything!

Sending lots of

 

[hopeandpray]

it take ages to get anti-ds right. I was on fluoxetine but they were gradually upping the dose for months before it really worked. The first few weeks, days especially can make you feel much worse. How long did you try CBT for? I did it for about 5 months and while the first few were awful, really draining, in the end it made a massive difference to me. I also had depression since I was a child

 

[misslissa]

Hi, I know this is an oldish post but I wanted to say I know how you feel. I have suffered with depression, anxiety since I was about 14. I'm feeling so bad today that im contemplating not TTC which depresses me even more.

I was on citalapram for over a year and it really helped, I am off it now but at my worst I was on 40mg then it was reduced very slowly since Christmas. I wish someone could wave a magic wand over us and make the awful feelings go away bit unfortunately it's down to us. I am in counselling and it helps but like you sometimes I think talking about it keeps it all in the present, maybe pushing it away would be better. No professional would recommend that though.

Anyway I hope you are feeling a bit better x

 

[country_girl8]

im on sertraline? 50mg and they seem to be helping me quite alot x

 

[hellohefalump]

*big hugs* I've suffered from depression/self harm/eating disorders since I was 12 so I can relate. At the moment I'm doing pretty well, taking Fluoxetine 60mg and Olanzapine 10mg, as a combination because I went into psychosis while I was pregnant, and again twice afterwards. For me, the Fluoxetine (anti depressant) works up to a point, but since introducing the Olanzapine (anti psychotic) my depression has got sooo much better!

I have had soooo much therapy and while it's good to a point, I think it's medication that makes the biggest difference to me. Which makes me believe that my problems are chemical rather than psychological. I didn't have a 'hard' upbringing, but my mum left my dad when I was 18months and moved back to the UK, from Singapore. We never had any money and I struggled socially at school... but apart from that everything was fine.

 

[magicteapot]

Much hugs xx I was a spinny child too, although I used to think constantly that we were all going to die and had really scary experiences.
Doctors can only do so much I think, but keep going with citalopram, for me it took about 4 months to be super effective but really helped in the long run, and of course if they don't then there are other options too. I found it good for blocking negative thoughts, because it quietens easier =]
I found counselling reet good for my depression, although it took me a while to find a good counsellor i trusted, but when you find one it really helps, its strange that when you have had it for so long, your brain doesn't seem to process regular things as well.
I had CBT, the person I had it with was aweful though, and i have this thing where i hate being told what to do or what to think, so it didn't work out for me. There are lots of other alternative treatments out there too, like EFT, hypnotherapy etc, which can help alongside meds.
What I found that pulled me out of it was holding on to something 'out there' (which was christmas just gone ) and not letting go, getting really involved in something else, having lots of support and lots of determination (which i know is very limited when you are depressed) but you can always borrow other peoples I think. You have so much to live for, and things will get better, hold on to the good things and until you are better, try and zone out the badness! My partner had to sort out all the finances and work and even cook when I was really ill, but taking away the difficult stuff while you recover does help a lot.
If you have found a good doctor, for sure work with him/her, if things get really really bad then they can sort things out for you, prescribe sleeping tabs (sleep is the greatest healer) etc.
Finally I would say, the greatest book on earth is self help for your nerves by dr.claire weekes, its easy to read when you are at your worst, and helps climb out of the badness!
Things will get better over time, its a lot of work and waiting but its worth the fight, for your son and family. (Sorry for the long post!)
Hugs xx