Regret

[Chris1981]

I'm 35 and just started my 4th ttc cycle. Most of the time I feel positive, hopeful and optimistic. But sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by regret

I wish I had realized sooner how much I want to be a mother, I wish I had been able to find a way to help my husband talk about it sooner, I wish I had been able to start ttc sooner...
What if it's too late? What if I could have had a child, but missed my chance simply because I waited too long?

I don't often feel this way and usually I am able to cheer myself up before long. I'm not a depressed sort of person and I am happy with my life in general.

But if I am honest; this fear and regret is really always there in the background. I can never get back the time I lost and that scares me. It's this idea that I made a terrible mistake that I can never take back.

This isn't something I like to admit even to myself, so I just wanted to put this out there...

 

[Chris1981]

I guess my point is this.
I see myself as positive, cheerful, optimistic and appreciative of all the good things in my life. I really really don't want to be that ungrateful, negative, obsessed person... and yet sometimes I am. Don't like that!
Sound familiar, or is it just me?

 

[Hassie]

Hi Chris

I a sorry that you are feeling regretful at the moment. I think that all you can do is try your best in the moment. On reflection it is easy to regret what you didn't do. I wondered if you can think of the positive things you have done and the things you have achieved.

I'm 38 and have always wanted to a mum but it just hasnt happened (so far) for a number of reasons. My husband and I have been trying for 6 years and I have had 2 recent failed IVF's. I put off having IVF for several years because of fear I guess. I don't really feel regret myself, I feel angry, jealous and grief and then guilty for feeling all of those things.

I talk to a fertility counsellor which is helpful, have you asked for this type of support? Also I wondered how long you have been TTC.

All the best

Hassie

 

[Chris1981]

Hi Hassie,

Sorry to hear your IVF hasn't worked so far. Will you be able to try a few more times?

I'm actually a pretty positive person most of the time, believe it or not Usually I'm able to see all the wonderful things in my life and enjoy them. It's not often that I feel this way.

I stopped BC in March of this year and got my period back at the end of July, so we really only just started. And maybe that's why it gets to me that this process sometimes turns me into "that person". I hope that maybe I will get used to this living between hope and fear somehow!

Chris

 

[Hassie]

Hi Chris

Have you spoken to your doctor about TTC? TTC is a really stressful process full of hope and disappointment. I think you need to cut yourself some slack and let your self feel ungrateful and negative for a short while maybe put a time limit on it. Do you keep a diary? Sometimes it helps to get things written down.

I have 6 embryos on ice at the moment so I will try a frozen embryo soon. I'm a bit scared to be honest because I was so emotionally shattered after the last failed attempt and because we are skint (spent £15,000 so far) and if this doesn't work I think our financial situation will mean we need to stop TTC and start thinking of adoption. Adoption was always on the table but I would ideally like a child that is biologically mine.

Wishing you well x

 

[Jazzbird]

Hi Chris. I totally understand that feeling of regret. We started late (ttc age 36) and it took us a year. We have an amazing daughter who is 2 and now I'm consumed with regret as we try for number 2 that it may not happen for us. As previous poster said you can only do the best you can in the moment.

Let's look at positives - you are only 35, so the stats say that 90- something % conceive in the first year and it rises for the second year. You're only on 4th cycle.

Make sure you are having sex at the right time. Are you charting your cycle etc? You'd be surprised at how many people are unaware of their own fertile window.

Second - get your OH tested. Female fertility is complex and requires lots of investigation and testing. Male fertility is much easier. Get your OH ruled out of the equation.

Third - eat and sleep well . Up your intake of protein and lower sugar intake. Make sure you eat plenty of blood forming foods (good quality red meat, dark green veg, soups and stews etc). I'm an acupuncturist specialising in fertility.

Fourth - try to stay as calm as possible. The chances are you will be fine! It is perfectly normal for it to take a while ...

Fifth - good luck xxx

 

[Chris1981]

That's such a lot of money Hassie! Of course you can't try for an unlimited number of times. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. And you're right, I should cut myself some slack. It's okay if this makes me feel sad and stressed some of the time.

Thanks for your optimism and tips Jazzbird. I have to say that I never knew so much about my own body and the female cycle until this year. I never realized there was so much tó know... I'm not charting my temperatures because I know that would make me too obsessed, but I do write down dates and symptoms and am pretty sure of when to have sex. We'll just have to keep that up

 

[CaliDreaming]

First off, just want to say right off that 35 is not too old by a long shot to be having children. You may be having trouble, but it's not due to your age. I found when we were trying that doctors would often write off problems as age-related when it was really something else.

Also, like Jazzbird said, be sure your partner gets tested. We wasted many years in TTC hell because we didn't pay more attention to his swimmers and trusted the doctors who felt my age was the only reason that we weren't conceiving. You will see this same sad story replayed over and over among many B&B posters.

Another tip too--don't be afraid to question doctors or take matters into your own hands when it comes to fertility. There are many natural and alternative remedies that are extremely effective. Do your own research!

Sometimes I feel regret too that I didn't start having children earlier. But then if I had had children earlier, a lot of things in my life would be a lot different. I spent my 20s wasting time with a lot of losers and getting established in my career. I can't imagine how horrible it would have been if I had had children with any of the guys from my past. Also, I like that I can afford to provide my children with advantages I never had growing up.

Maybe if you focus on the positives of having waited, you won't feel as regretful. Perhaps you did not push for children sooner because you weren't mentally ready at that point. Now you are at a point where you are ready to throw yourself into motherhood with no regrets and what if's and when it does happen, you will be able to enjoy it more!!

 

[littledreamer]

Hi,

My husband and I married late in life, I thought maybe I didn't need the whole marriage and family. At 39 I panicked and finally convinced my now husband that we needed to take the next step and get married and try for a baby. It was not until I was 41 that he saw things my way. ( I was ready to leave the relationship and told him so.) We just did not trying not preventing and it took about 7 months. I got pregnant at 42 and our daughter was born this August. I turn 43 this month. Try to relax, yes most have babies younger, but even the Dr. said that more and more women are having babies in their 40's. Eat healthy and stay positive, stress I have heard makes it more difficult. Have lots of sex, have fun ... it truly can happen

 

[Chris1981]

Thanks for all the positive inspiration ladies

It's a little too early for testing since we only just started ttc, but I will definitely keep it in mind. I didn't talk to my gp yet because the general policy is to first try for a year before doing any testing. And if I'm lucky a year from now I won't need testing, but an ob-gyn

 

[seoj]

First- everyone has regrets at time hun. It's human nature. Here's the thing though- being positive (most of the time) is pretty amazing! I was 37 when I had my first baby- after lots of months and bumps in the road and disappointments... but, when it did happen, I wouldn't have it any other way. I cannot imagine my LO being another child. I cannot imagine being a mom under any other circumstances. And I think, for me at least, my appreciation for it all was even more so because it didn't come easy. It was HARD. And there were times I felt defeated- but then I picked myself up, and moved forward. Time after time.

I will tell you one thing my fertility specialist told me at the beginning our IUI journey (because everyone kept telling me not to stress!)-- she said there is no proof that stress causes any issue with fertility. Actually, it's impossible NOT to stress while TTC (to some degree)- so it's OK to stress. Obviously stay positive, best you can, for your own sanity- but don't stress about stress! LOL. Seriously though I'd also not wait a year- we were told it's good to at least check thing out after 6mos. But hopefully it won't even come to that. Best of luck hun!!!

 

[vermeil]

The well kept secret is, 6 months of trying is actually fast to conceive. 12 months is common and normal. We are biased because we keep hearing 'oops' stories.

I agree with the others that you should have basic tests done after 6, months just in case. And stress has no impact on fertility, all studies say so.

35 is young you have plenty of time!

I started at 37, took 7 months. Second I started at 41, took 18 months and a little help. (ivf is free here so why not, worked first time)

Agree do your own research and take charge of your own fertility ! It's such a cliche but it's soooo true. Doctors can only accompany you and your own journey.

 

[kyden]

Sometimes I regret not starting earlier (I'm 39 now and had my daughter 8 months ago at 38), but like someone said, things would have been so much different, and maybe not in a good way. On the road to having my daughter I had one MC after over a year of trying. But I wouldn't have it any way.

Don't despair, 35 is not old nowadays for getting pregnant. Just look at Janet Jackson who is 50! With excellent prenatal care options that are available in this present time, women have great odds at having a healthy baby well into their 40s.

 

[Yoomee]

I'm 35 and just started my 4th ttc cycle. Most of the time I feel positive, hopeful and optimistic. But sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by regret

I wish I had realized sooner how much I want to be a mother, I wish I had been able to find a way to help my husband talk about it sooner, I wish I had been able to start ttc sooner...
What if it's too late? What if I could have had a child, but missed my chance simply because I waited too long?

I don't often feel this way and usually I am able to cheer myself up before long. I'm not a depressed sort of person and I am happy with my life in general.

But if I am honest; this fear and regret is really always there in the background. I can never get back the time I lost and that scares me. It's this idea that I made a terrible mistake that I can never take back.

This isn't something I like to admit even to myself, so I just wanted to put this out there...

Hi Chris! I feel like you and I are in very similar boats I am also 35 and on my 4th month of TTC as well. I do have 2 boys from my previous marriage (got pregnant very easily), and am now trying with my husband who doesn't have children of his own. We have been together for 4 years and for the past 3 years my ObGyn has been on me about getting started due to my age, but we just weren't ready yet. We just got married in September of this year (we had to put it off for almost 2 years due to some legal drama with my ex) and I got my IUD taken out in June after 9 years. Even though it's only been 4 months, I am worried that we might be up against some challenges that I didn't have when I had my boys in my early 20's. I definitely feel regret as well that we didn't start trying sooner. But I keep telling myself that 35 is still on the young side of being "older" when having kiddos and trying to think positive thoughts. Sending lots of your way!!!