Relationship Advice. Had ANOTHER talk with OH over the wkend!

[Bmary83]

Hi
Jus had another talk over the wkend wi OH. Basically, I've bn in pretty miserable form for the last few weeks, started off wi something petty with OH but then we went out for a meal and the subject of holiday came up. (For those who haven't read my previous posts, i've given OH a 2 yr dead line to either commit to me by getting engaged n starting a family or to decide that he's totally not ready and we go our separate ways. Currently he has 12 months left.) Anyway, he said "maybe next yr we could go to Oz".

Now, I've always wanted to go the Oz and this time 2 years ago I was fully prepared to blast all my savings and go, but he persuaded me that would be a bad idea. I know that in itself wasn't a bad thing to say, wat did piss me off is that this would fall slap bang at the end of the 2 year deadline! So to me, I interpret this as a slap in the face, he hasn't even give a 2nd thought to this important deadline that I have bn thinking about non stop for the lst yr. Also the fact that he says money is an issue yet expects me to stump up thousands for a hol?

Anyway, as I said, it led to me being extremely withdrawn for a few wks and finally we spoke about it on sat. Basically, I think it gonna lead to us splitting up, sooner rather than later.

His main issue was how can we commit to marriage and bring a child into the world when were having problems.

We do have our arguments but nothing I wud say meant we were "having problems". When we discussed this further he said he wasn't happy with r sex life (Sorry TMI) and wants it to go back to when we first start going out. (I'm sorry but we've bn together 5 yrs, the honeymoon period is well n truly over). I know I can be a huffy cow at times n there r things he does that do my head in but, I wud marry him n start a family with him in the morning. I know how this sounds, that he doesn't love me n is givng me all the signs that he doesn't want the same thing with me, a part of me agrees with that but the other half sees the other things we have.

1. Aside from the above, we get on great
2. He, in no other way, apart from him being unwilling to the above, hasn't done anything to make me think he doesn't love me.
3. He has assured me he is totally committed to this relationship, and says he would have proposed by now if it hadn't have bn for a few problems we had when we first moved in together. However, he also said that I need to go back to how I was before we had our problems, before he will consider proposing again.

He also wants to wait til i'm 30 before we TTC, thats 3 years away.

I'm sorry, I know I sound desparate, but while eveyone else, (usually people who have been together less time than us) are getting married n having kids, I'm stuck in bloody limbo.

Am I being unreasonable with setting deadlines? Any advice appreciated, I just feel that this is make or break for us and its all I can think about.

 

[aliss]

I can see both sides.

You are 27 and let's be realistic, how many of us at that age want to sit around and wait for years for someone to commit? Of course not. TTC is difficult enough, without age becoming a problem.

You said:
We do have our arguments but nothing I wud say meant we were "having problems

The problem with this is that some issues ARE a problem to him. There are relationships that fail when one partner doesn't recognize that something IS a problem to the partner. Sex is a huge deal for men, and it sounds like he is worried that you don't see it as a concern. Right there would be a warning sign for him that he should not get married/commit if you can't recognize that this is important to him.

Have you considered couple's counseling? These issues really need to be addressed before marriage and kids. Marriage and kids only makes things more difficult, so you need to be solid & on the same page first.

 

[China girl]

I agree with aliss. I would try couple's counseling first. I know its hard and you don't want to give up, but you need to see where he is at before you start a family. If he is not on board with what you want, then I say move on.

 

[inertia63]

I agree with Aliss, also.

Just a side note though, do you think he takes your ultimatums seriously? Do you think he could just be holding out because he doesn't really think you'll ever leave? Just a thought.

 

[dlj2]

I had a smiliar problem, basically we kept talking and talking and not at time when we were angry or impatient and finally we have reached a compromise to start TTC, I think you need to know what he feels the 'problems' are start from there.

 

[Whoppy-pop]

I was in a similar situations with my OH a few years ago. He's a couple of years younger than me and I started to feel ready to settle down and take the next steps before he did. He basically wasn't ready for the comittment. He decided to burry his head in the sand and pretend that I'd be happy to keep bimbling along with things as they were. We ended up breaking up (for 2 weeks lol). We stayed in very close contact though as both loved each other to pieces. I went and got a mortgage in principle on my own and told him that I'd started looking for houses. 2 days later he turns up on my doorstep begging me not to move on without him and that he was scared of taking the next steps but more scared of loosing me forever. The next month he asked me to start looking at houses to rent with him and 2 months after that we were moving in together. He propossed 6 months later and 3 months after that our happy little accident was on her way.

I just wanted to share my story with you to show how sometimes not allowing peole to hold you back from the things you really want in your life can give them the kick they need to realise what they could potentially loose. Plus also if you don't believe your ever going to want the same things it may be worth cutting ties sooner rather than later.

TBH I agree with you re the sex thing, it rarely ever stays as frequent as those early days but still it may be worth trying to spice things up a bit if it gives you a happier relationship x

 

[Blah11]

Hm. I really think your ultimatum is a bit unfair. He's obviously not ready to get married or have a child and I think it's wrong for him to feel forced into it. What if you do get married and he regrets it? Or even worse, what if you fall pregnant and he resents the baby because its not what he wanted?

 

[Bmary83]

Hm. I really think your ultimatum is a bit unfair. He's obviously not ready to get married or have a child and I think it's wrong for him to feel forced into it. What if you do get married and he regrets it? Or even worse, what if you fall pregnant and he resents the baby because its not what he wanted?

Yes I do realise that its not ideal but i'm already starting to resent him. Wat if carried on as we were for another 5 years n then he decides well n truly he doesn't want it? Then I'd be 32, single n trying to meet someone, have a relationship, (hopefully) get married n start trying? So I would be at least 35? I no thats not impossible but its not how I imagine things for me, not to mention harder to conceive and the risks to the baby.

 

[Blah11]

If you put it that way it sounds like you're making do with him because you can hear your clock ticking? I think you need to think long and hard about if you think he's the 'one' for you or if you're with him because you're scared of being alone.

 

[Bmary83]

If you put it that way it sounds like you're making do with him because you can hear your clock ticking? I think you need to think long and hard about if you think he's the 'one' for you or if you're with him because you're scared of being alone.

I certainly don't feel like my clock is ticking, I no I have loads of time but I've bn broody and wanting to commit this lst 2-2.5 years n nothing. I'm ashamed to say its making me miserable, so much for girl power. lol. I've told him that I would have married him in the morning but now with this constantly being an issue for me I am beginning to wonder if he is the one? And that surely it can't be this hard?

As for being alone? Yes I would prefer to be with someone but if it came to it, n I still hadn't met anyone, I think I would seriously consider just having a baby by myself, by whatever means, sperm donor etc. I don't think there anything wrong with being a single mum, esp these days.

Wat ever happened to boy meets girl etc. etc.

Thanks so much for listening btw!

 

[anita665]

I can understand how you're feeling. Your OH wanting to go back to how it was when you first got together is understandable because we all miss that feeling in long term relationships but it is also naive because it's simply impossible. The dynamics of relationships change over time and the love changes from one kind to another.

It sounds like he has some growing up to do. To have been with you for 5 years means he is in some way commited to you whether he accepts that or not and the fact he is wanting to plan this holiday is another sign that he is commited and doesn't want things to end.

Lots of guys seem to shy away from marriage and babies. As my OH said, babies just seem to happen to guys.

Babies are obviously important to you though and not something you should give up on. He has to make a choice and I agree with the deadline because otherwise you could be waiting around forever. xx

 

[girl]

Hi
Jus had another talk over the wkend wi OH. Basically, I've bn in pretty miserable form for the last few weeks, started off wi something petty with OH but then we went out for a meal and the subject of holiday came up. (For those who haven't read my previous posts, i've given OH a 2 yr dead line to either commit to me by getting engaged n starting a family or to decide that he's totally not ready and we go our separate ways. Currently he has 12 months left.) Anyway, he said "maybe next yr we could go to Oz".

Now, I've always wanted to go the Oz and this time 2 years ago I was fully prepared to blast all my savings and go, but he persuaded me that would be a bad idea. I know that in itself wasn't a bad thing to say, wat did piss me off is that this would fall slap bang at the end of the 2 year deadline! So to me, I interpret this as a slap in the face, he hasn't even give a 2nd thought to this important deadline that I have bn thinking about non stop for the lst yr. Also the fact that he says money is an issue yet expects me to stump up thousands for a hol?

Anyway, as I said, it led to me being extremely withdrawn for a few wks and finally we spoke about it on sat. Basically, I think it gonna lead to us splitting up, sooner rather than later.

His main issue was how can we commit to marriage and bring a child into the world when were having problems.

We do have our arguments but nothing I wud say meant we were "having problems". When we discussed this further he said he wasn't happy with r sex life (Sorry TMI) and wants it to go back to when we first start going out. (I'm sorry but we've bn together 5 yrs, the honeymoon period is well n truly over). I know I can be a huffy cow at times n there r things he does that do my head in but, I wud marry him n start a family with him in the morning. I know how this sounds, that he doesn't love me n is givng me all the signs that he doesn't want the same thing with me, a part of me agrees with that but the other half sees the other things we have.

1. Aside from the above, we get on great
2. He, in no other way, apart from him being unwilling to the above, hasn't done anything to make me think he doesn't love me.
3. He has assured me he is totally committed to this relationship, and says he would have proposed by now if it hadn't have bn for a few problems we had when we first moved in together. However, he also said that I need to go back to how I was before we had our problems, before he will consider proposing again.

He also wants to wait til i'm 30 before we TTC, thats 3 years away.

I'm sorry, I know I sound desparate, but while eveyone else, (usually people who have been together less time than us) are getting married n having kids, I'm stuck in bloody limbo.

Am I being unreasonable with setting deadlines? Any advice appreciated, I just feel that this is make or break for us and its all I can think about.

my god!, is his name lee?!? as u just described my OH!!! i dont think im being unreasonable that after 2years of being together and living 2gether that we should be thinking about getting engaged at the end of the year, having a little family engagment party then trying for a baby!
we have decided 2 split up because although he says im putting 'deadlines' on things - i think hes putting blocks on everything!!
we are goin on a road trip sunday to see our friends, hes had a month 2 think about things and if he hasnt changed his mind then thats it... funny thing is, the reason im ready 2 get married and have kids is because of him!!! and splitting up just means starting over again - but waiting years and years for someone who is just unwilling 2 commit just wont make me happy and we'd proabably end up splitting up anyway, due 2 the fact that he'll say we're not happy enough 2gether 2 get married and have children - even though the fact i havent got that is whats making me unhappy - and sex life - it'll sky rocket when u know ur tryin 4 a baby!!

this is my conclusion, 5years is a long time 2 be with someone and would u really want to waste that over waiting a few more years? then again, u've been 2gether along time so havent u waited enough? if u split up then u might meet someone who wants that straight away just like u... who loves u enough 2 commit ASAP!! and cant wait 2 have a family with u - but on the other hand in 3 years time if u had stuck at ur relationship u could have all that with ur now OH and u could still be looking?!

with this, i can tell u what i've done, we've split, i've given him a month without me 2 realise that marrying me and having children with me isnt awful and should we get back 2gether then i'll be happy knowing that its coming... if not then i'll find someone else, i've been through heartbreak and i know its hard at the begining, but i've always met someone better than the last, and thats what i intend todo, once im over lee, i'll move on and be happy with someone else. its not what i want, far from it, i wanna spend my life with him, and even though he may say it, its just words and actions speak louder.

 

[girl]

also i think its unfair that people say there is problems in the relationship and u need counciling!! i mean seriously!? for being with some1 and wanting 2 get married and have kids is certianly not so bad!!!!!!! its absolutly shocking that people who get knocked up by not being careful after a couple of weeks of goin out can judge people who find someone they love, have been with along time and dont want their baby 2 b an accident!!! lee told me we were hardly being careful anyway, but if he doesnt want 2 b tryin for a baby how can he ba happy if i fell pregnant - i want my baby 2 be a miricle not a mistake!! i hate that u make sacrfices for men by moving in with them and being their live in f*** buddie and them being happy about it... we do all that for commitment and because we've already given them what they want thinking that they should give us what we want in return they screw us over by saying they aint ready!! i never wanted 2 spend years of my live being a girlfriend, i wasnt ready for being just someone 2 spend time with - but i did it and seeing him happy made me happy... rant over before i go mad!!! hahahaahahahahaha

 

[aliss]

also i think its unfair that people say there is problems in the relationship and u need counciling!! i mean seriously!?

OP wants marriage and does not think there is a problem with their sex life. OP's boyfriend does not want marriage until the problems in their relationship (ie. sex life) are addressed. If someone thinks her desire to have marriage and children is important (which it is) and that his desire to address what HE perceives to be a relationship problem (sex) is *not* important, then I would caution about being unrealistic. Does his opinion on a serious issue not matter? Problems in relationships, such as sex, can and will destroy a marriage. Sex is not a low priority issue for men like it can be for some women.

And yes, sex can skyrocket during TTC. What do you think happens when you are pregnant, can't even rollover properly or are vomiting all morning, and then have a screaming newborn? You do realize that if sex is a problem *before* children, it will only get worse after!. Ask *any* pregnant woman or mom on this website and they will tell you that sex before kids and sex while pregnant/with kids is more difficult.

There is NO shame in premarital counseling.

Bottom line - a man isn't going to marry or commit to a woman just because she wants marriage and children. He will marry and commit to a woman because he feels that she loves him, respects his needs, listens to what he feels is a problem and works towards fixing them, and cares for him as a person. No man wishes to feel like a side dish in his own family. He has plainly said that this is a problem to him and downplaying the importance is only going to make things worse.

 

[girl]

also i think its unfair that people say there is problems in the relationship and u need counciling!! i mean seriously!?

OP wants marriage and does not think there is a problem with their sex life. OP's boyfriend does not want marriage until the problems in their relationship (ie. sex life) are addressed. If someone thinks her desire to have marriage and children is important (which it is) and that his desire to address what HE perceives to be a relationship problem (sex) is *not* important, then I would caution about being unrealistic. Does his opinion on a serious issue not matter? Problems in relationships, such as sex, can and will destroy a marriage. Sex is not a low priority issue for men like it can be for some women.

And yes, sex can skyrocket during TTC. What do you think happens when you are pregnant, can't even rollover properly or are vomiting all morning, and then have a screaming newborn? You do realize that if sex is a problem *before* children, it will only get worse after!. Ask *any* pregnant woman or mom on this website and they will tell you that sex before kids and sex while pregnant/with kids is more difficult.

There is NO shame in premarital counseling.

Bottom line - a man isn't going to marry or commit to a woman just because she wants marriage and children. He will marry and commit to a woman because he feels that she loves him, respects his needs, listens to what he feels is a problem and works towards fixing them, and cares for him as a person. No man wishes to feel like a side dish in his own family. He has plainly said that this is a problem to him and downplaying the importance is only going to make things worse.

how do u know that he feels like she doesnt love him?, i dont think counciling for a loving couple who want 2 get married and have kids is needed - just because of lack of sex life... doesnt mean just cus u get in2 having sex often that when u finally get pregnant all the not being comfy enough 2 do it wont come along anyway! sex is important, but not the most important thing.

 

[aliss]

also i think its unfair that people say there is problems in the relationship and u need counciling!! i mean seriously!?

OP wants marriage and does not think there is a problem with their sex life. OP's boyfriend does not want marriage until the problems in their relationship (ie. sex life) are addressed. If someone thinks her desire to have marriage and children is important (which it is) and that his desire to address what HE perceives to be a relationship problem (sex) is *not* important, then I would caution about being unrealistic. Does his opinion on a serious issue not matter? Problems in relationships, such as sex, can and will destroy a marriage. Sex is not a low priority issue for men like it can be for some women.

And yes, sex can skyrocket during TTC. What do you think happens when you are pregnant, can't even rollover properly or are vomiting all morning, and then have a screaming newborn? You do realize that if sex is a problem *before* children, it will only get worse after!. Ask *any* pregnant woman or mom on this website and they will tell you that sex before kids and sex while pregnant/with kids is more difficult.

There is NO shame in premarital counseling.

Bottom line - a man isn't going to marry or commit to a woman just because she wants marriage and children. He will marry and commit to a woman because he feels that she loves him, respects his needs, listens to what he feels is a problem and works towards fixing them, and cares for him as a person. No man wishes to feel like a side dish in his own family. He has plainly said that this is a problem to him and downplaying the importance is only going to make things worse.

how do u know that he feels like she doesnt love him?, i dont think counciling for a loving couple who want 2 get married and have kids is needed - just because of lack of sex life... doesnt mean just cus u get in2 having sex often that when u finally get pregnant all the not being comfy enough 2 do it wont come along anyway! sex is important, but not the most important thing.

I never said that he feels like she doesn't love him. I wouldn't know that.

He told her that sex is a problem and he doesn't want to get married until they address their problems. She said she didn't think it was a problem. He is telling her what the problem is. Just because a lack of a sex life isn't a problem for her, doesn't mean it isn't a problem for him. I'm in no way saying that this can't be worked out - it can - but not until both needs (his and hers) are addressed. You can't write-off your partner's needs and think that problems will fix themselves after marriage and children.

I am only offering my advice as a pregnant woman in a happy, committed relationship. If you are not solid and on the same page before you make the journey into marriage and children, you and your partner will crumble.

 

[Melly]

i totally agree. if sex life is a problem now, its going to get a whole lot worse in the future, if he cant cope now, he wont cope then.

honestly, if after that length of time he wont commit without having a deadline, then i dont think he will. he'll wait until his time period is up, and then try and convince you to stay, ive seen it happen, and it never works out the way you want it to....if you love him would you really leave him because a date has arrived in which you put a marker on?

but on the other hand, his idea of going to Oz, could it be that he knows its something special to you and might just propose whilst there?!

 

[Bmary83]

and splitting up just means starting over again - but waiting years and years for someone who is just unwilling 2 commit just wont make me happy and we'd proabably end up splitting up anyway, due 2 the fact that he'll say we're not happy enough 2gether 2 get married and have children - even though the fact i havent got that is whats making me unhappy - and sex life - it'll sky rocket when u know ur tryin 4 a baby!!

this is my conclusion, 5years is a long time 2 be with someone and would u really want to waste that over waiting a few more years? then again, u've been 2gether along time so havent u waited enough? if u split up then u might meet someone who wants that straight away just like u... who loves u enough 2 commit ASAP!! and cant wait 2 have a family with u - but on the other hand in 3 years time if u had stuck at ur relationship u could have all that with ur now OH and u could still be looking?!

with this, i can tell u what i've done, we've split, i've given him a month without me 2 realise that marrying me and having children with me isnt awful and should we get back 2gether then i'll be happy knowing that its coming... if not then i'll find someone else, i've been through heartbreak and i know its hard at the begining, but i've always met someone better than the last, and thats what i intend todo, once im over lee, i'll move on and be happy with someone else. its not what i want, far from it, i wanna spend my life with him, and even though he may say it, its just words and actions speak louder.[/QUOTE]

This is exactly my worry, at start of the week I was all fired up, working our finances, looking into property to start again but I know initial heart ache is gonna kill me and I'm starting to chicken out already. I moved across the country to live with him, my family are back in Ireland, my friends are his friends wives and I don't think I could go to them to help me thru my a broken heart, they would hardly have an unbiased opinion (also they've both got small kids so would be no chance of the obligatory nights on the town required when trying to get over someone), then I know I'd cave and prob run back to him.

 

[Bmary83]

Oops, I was supposed to quote the first 3 paragraphs on the above reply.

 

[Bmary83]

i hate that u make sacrfices for men by moving in with them and being their live in f*** buddie and them being happy about it... we do all that for commitment and because we've already given them what they want thinking that they should give us what we want in return they screw us over by saying they aint ready!! i never wanted 2 spend years of my live being a girlfriend, i wasnt ready for being just someone 2 spend time with - but i did it and seeing him happy made me happy... rant over before i go mad!!! hahahaahahahahaha

lol I feel like we're living paralelle lives.