Relationship Advice. Had ANOTHER talk with OH over the wkend!

[Bmary83]

also i think its unfair that people say there is problems in the relationship and u need counciling!! i mean seriously!?

OP wants marriage and does not think there is a problem with their sex life. OP's boyfriend does not want marriage until the problems in their relationship (ie. sex life) are addressed. If someone thinks her desire to have marriage and children is important (which it is) and that his desire to address what HE perceives to be a relationship problem (sex) is *not* important, then I would caution about being unrealistic. Does his opinion on a serious issue not matter? Problems in relationships, such as sex, can and will destroy a marriage. Sex is not a low priority issue for men like it can be for some women.

Bottom line - a man isn't going to marry or commit to a woman just because she wants marriage and children. He will marry and commit to a woman because he feels that she loves him, respects his needs, listens to what he feels is a problem and works towards fixing them, and cares for him as a person. No man wishes to feel like a side dish in his own family. He has plainly said that this is a problem to him and downplaying the importance is only going to make things worse.

I don't think it unimportant, my sex drive jus isn't as high as his, also, the beginning of our relationship was long distance, we only saw each other every 2-3 weeks so were cramming 2 wks worth o sex into 2 days, to the point where I cudn't sit down (Sorry Again TMI). I think thats totally impossible to maintain.

Prob gonna be more TMI here again, but there are times when i'll blatantly say "not tonight dear", and other times I'll make the effort even if i'm not in the mood and when I have AF, I'll do other things, if u know wat I mean. I think I'm very accommodationg in this respect, so much so that OH had the cheek to say to me a few wks ago (when we were arguing and when I had my AF) that I hadn't even "serviced him". As if I would want to try and appease him when he does nothing to make me happy?

At this moment in time I'm beginning to hark back to the good old days when there was no sex before marriage, then u really had to be committed before you got the goods. lol

 

[Bmary83]

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I never said that he feels like she doesn't love him. I wouldn't know that.

He told her that sex is a problem and he doesn't want to get married until they address their problems. She said she didn't think it was a problem. He is telling her what the problem is. Just because a lack of a sex life isn't a problem for her, doesn't mean it isn't a problem for him. I'm in no way saying that this can't be worked out - it can - but not until both needs (his and hers) are addressed. You can't write-off your partner's needs and think that problems will fix themselves after marriage and children.

I am only offering my advice as a pregnant woman in a happy, committed relationship. If you are not solid and on the same page before you make the journey into marriage and children, you and your partner will crumble.

I certainly don't feel like I write off his needs, but with this being an issue for me I'll freely admit that sex hasn't been the mort important thing on my mind. I feel like why should I do everything for you when you do nothing for me? Also, being a typical woman, I don't particuarly enjoy wham bam thank you mam sex, I like to feel close to him and I just don't at the moment.

Congrats on ur pregnancy btw, so please for u.

 

[Bmary83]

i totally agree. if sex life is a problem now, its going to get a whole lot worse in the future, if he cant cope now, he wont cope then.

honestly, if after that length of time he wont commit without having a deadline, then i dont think he will. he'll wait until his time period is up, and then try and convince you to stay, ive seen it happen, and it never works out the way you want it to....if you love him would you really leave him because a date has arrived in which you put a marker on?

but on the other hand, his idea of going to Oz, could it be that he knows its something special to you and might just propose whilst there?!

If this was an cunning ploy to convince me he didn't want marriage then plan a surprise proposal I'd be extremly pissed off with him at the hurt its put us thru, which has got me thinking I should leave him.

He has said that he would like to do it as a surprise and how can I expect it to be a surprise anymore with all this? I'm like, a proposal 2 bloody years ago would o bn a surprise, now I don't care, the moment has passed, we either do this or we don't.

I think you're right about the sex thing tho as I've said in previous posts I feel I do make an effort but feel like I'm the only one making the effort and therefore, why should I anymore?

As we speak we're arguing and HE has give me an ultimatum saying I either give this up , we try to get our relationship back to what it was and then maybe I get what I want or...... I leave now!!!

 

[girl]

i totally agree. if sex life is a problem now, its going to get a whole lot worse in the future, if he cant cope now, he wont cope then.

honestly, if after that length of time he wont commit without having a deadline, then i dont think he will. he'll wait until his time period is up, and then try and convince you to stay, ive seen it happen, and it never works out the way you want it to....if you love him would you really leave him because a date has arrived in which you put a marker on?

but on the other hand, his idea of going to Oz, could it be that he knows its something special to you and might just propose whilst there?!

If this was an cunning ploy to convince me he didn't want marriage then plan a surprise proposal I'd be extremly pissed off with him at the hurt its put us thru, which has got me thinking I should leave him.

He has said that he would like to do it as a surprise and how can I expect it to be a surprise anymore with all this? I'm like, a proposal 2 bloody years ago would o bn a surprise, now I don't care, the moment has passed, we either do this or we don't.

I think you're right about the sex thing tho as I've said in previous posts I feel I do make an effort but feel like I'm the only one making the effort and therefore, why should I anymore?

As we speak we're arguing and HE has give me an ultimatum saying I either give this up , we try to get our relationship back to what it was and then maybe I get what I want or...... I leave now!!!

i think we're living parrell lifes 2!!

sorry that ur arguing... its not nice... also what u said about only seeing him once every 2/3 weeks and cramming for 2days - what the hell, thats what i've been doin for the last 4months... only seeing him every sunday when he expected sex as soon as i saw him, the night and monday morning (tmi?) ... what are we doing sweetie?? is this what we desurve?? im dont want 2 encoruage u 2 spilt up, especially if u think they're might be a chance - but i had 2 walk away, i was sooooo no sex before marriage till i was 18, and i've made my mistakes, however, sex between a loving couple doesnt bother me if they're not married - yet, it felt like i was just being used, yes he was telling me things i liked, we went out for meals and did stuff 2gether... but its not enough, its not enough... like i said, beacuse we were only seeing eachother once a week i finally talked him in2 moving in with me, but i needed 2 make sure it was goin the way i thought and im glad i asked because it wasnt - im seeing him sunday, dressing nicely, show him how great i am and what hes missing, if hes willing 2 give me up for having a family a few years earlier than what he wants - then he aint worth it anyway! i'll keep ya updated and u keep me!

 

[skyrocket]

Just been reading this thread and wanted to say good luck to both Bmary and Girl. You both seem like such lovely people and you need to remember you both deserve the very best. We all do! I too would love another baby and to be married (am now divorced) I guess I am just old fashioned like that. My OH is saying the right things at the moment but my ex - didnt want marriage, babies, wouldnt talk about living together etc. I decided after a year and a half I didnt want to waste any more of my life with a guy who didnt see me as the ultimate prize! Well he saw it eventually but too little too late, I had moved on by then! We deserve everything we want from life (I'm 37 and still think like this!!) so if its marriage and babies you want and your OH isnt sure then maybe he isnt the guy for you. Only you can decide that but I made my decision and its worked out for me - so far! Lots of hugs!! xxxx

 

[Bmary83]

Just been reading this thread and wanted to say good luck to both Bmary and Girl. You both seem like such lovely people and you need to remember you both deserve the very best. We all do! I too would love another baby and to be married (am now divorced) I guess I am just old fashioned like that. My OH is saying the right things at the moment but my ex - didnt want marriage, babies, wouldnt talk about living together etc. I decided after a year and a half I didnt want to waste any more of my life with a guy who didnt see me as the ultimate prize! Well he saw it eventually but too little too late, I had moved on by then! We deserve everything we want from life (I'm 37 and still think like this!!) so if its marriage and babies you want and your OH isnt sure then maybe he isnt the guy for you. Only you can decide that but I made my decision and its worked out for me - so far! Lots of hugs!! xxxx

Thanks Skyrocket, I really admire ur bravery. As I've said, i'm beginning to think hes not the one but am afraid to end it in case i'm wrong, plus I don't really feel I have as good a support system here as back home(there's no substitute for crying on ur mum's shoulder) but I really like here and don't wanna move back home, then I'm afraid if I'm trying to go it alone in a big city I don't know, I'll get lonely and run back to him.

I do realise how pathetic I sound by the way, I'm normally the type of person to totally bottle things up cuz I try to be this big strong person, so this has bn great talking to u all about it.

Thanks so much!

 

[plutosblue]

I've just been reading all through this thread and to be honest I think you have answered you own question, I am not saying your thoughts towards him are overly negative, but I can see you feel hurt, betrayed and more than a little miffed, and the whole "serviced thing" if my other half had said that I would have chucked him out the window or lopped it off.

But seriously, you will know in your own mind which way you are swinging, if your feelings towards the relationship are not very positive, and you feel resentful then you know which way you are going to go. I was with my ex for 2 years and the last 6 months of the relationship were so poor I was feeling angry all the time, withdrawn and terribly resentful of him until I had to break it off. I am will my current fiance now with no regrets.

Just remember things always seem scary or hard, but as my mother would say "things are never as bad as you think they are going to be". I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get what you want out of this experience, you have many options and on a lighter note if you did want to work at it, then as the others have said councelling can be a great experience.

 

[Bmary83]

I've just been reading all through this thread and to be honest I think you have answered you own question, I am not saying your thoughts towards him are overly negative, but I can see you feel hurt, betrayed and more than a little miffed, and the whole "serviced thing" if my other half had said that I would have chucked him out the window or lopped it off.

But seriously, you will know in your own mind which way you are swinging, if your feelings towards the relationship are not very positive, and you feel resentful then you know which way you are going to go. I was with my ex for 2 years and the last 6 months of the relationship were so poor I was feeling angry all the time, withdrawn and terribly resentful of him until I had to break it off. I am will my current fiance now with no regrets.

Just remember things always seem scary or hard, but as my mother would say "things are never as bad as you think they are going to be". I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get what you want out of this experience, you have many options and on a lighter note if you did want to work at it, then as the others have said councelling can be a great experience.

O i'm totally starting to feel resentful of him. When I told him that, he laughed in my face and said he would understand that if he had bn out cheating on me and treating me like crap, not just cuz he doesn't want to commit.

Anyway, we've brieflly talked tonight, as in he asked me had I made a decision and all I could say was lets try counselling (cuz I'm too scared to say anything else). He had actually mentioned this before himself, so won't be a problem getting him to go, I'm prob a bit more reluctant tbh, cuz can't believe we needing counselling to sort our issues, I thought only middle aged couples who were married 4 yrs worried about this type of thing. All in all I know that this is a sign positive sign from him, so guess I can't ask for much more for now, the only thing is, I can't help thinking, even if we agree to make a go for now that we'll be back here this time next yr anyway.

Also had a long phone call with my mum, she said that we've bn together so long, why give up now? And that I owe to us to give it another go. Just can't help the feeling that I'm the one making the compromises again tho.

Thanks again for the advice everyone. My moan is over for now until further notice. lol