Relationship breakdown because of losses and ttcal

Discussion in 'TTC After A Loss' started by Suze, Jan 31, 2011.

  1. Suze

    Suze Mummy to Ava & Oscar

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    I'm just wanting a bit of a rant here I'm afraid its a long one....!

    I lost my baby Joe in August after his heart stopped beating at 17 weeks. I was induced, delivered him and later we found he had triploidy.

    I was desperate to ttc again (Joe had been my 3rd loss although I have had a daughter, 19 months in the middle of it all) and got my BFP in October.
    I was scanned weekly and by 8 weeks my dates were behind and it looked 50/50. On the 23rd of December my pg symptoms stopped and I knew that baby had gone. I began to ms a bit a home but a week later had to go in for an erpc at 11 weeks. Due to my recent loss the baby was being sent off for cytogenetic testing and they were going to tell me the sex.

    In the meantime here I am desperate to ttc again, and my OH by this point says no, we're not going through it all again and how could I possibly think this way. After a few days he changes his mind and says it wasn't fair of him to say that and he does want another child, he's just so frightened of another loss (yeah like I'm not!)

    10 days ago I get a call to say the hospital had messed up and the baby hadn't gone for testing so we would have no information nor, and more importantly for me would I know the sex of the baby. Furious doesn't even explain it.

    Last Monday it was my Joe's due date, a very very sad day and indeed week for me, my new pregnancy had been helping but of course that was gone now too.

    Last Wednesday my partner exploded with rage due to the fact our daughter was awake during the night which is really rare for her (teething) and was ranting and screaming that he never wanted any more children...a bit extreme but nevertheless. I do understand that this may have just been the straw that broke the camels back.

    The next day he packs up all his stuff and leaves.....because HE can't cope :dohh: I'm not enturely sure what he thinks I'm made of :shrug:

    The day after, Friday I attend the memorial service/cremation for our latest lost baby. OH came too but in seperate cars and he tried to comfort me while there but I didn't want him anywhere near me, I was/am so so angry for him walking out just because HE can't cope. We left seperately too and I was left on my own that night to come to terms that I had just been faced with my second dead baby in a white box in under 5 months....

    So thats my crappy situation at the moment...if you've got this far!!!

    I am so angry that he has left us because he feels HE can't cope, I know it's difficult, I know griveing is awful but to just walk away? I feel unable to forgive at the moment.
    I think he realsied he'd taken things a bit too far and is now going on about the ttc thing and that he never wants more children and that I am forcing him into it...he's giving me very very mixed messages about this.

    I have spoken to my GP about coping as I'm holding it together for my little girl and have been oferred a sicknote and am popping diazepam like smarties.

    Grrrrrr why does someone who protests to love and care about you walk out when all this heratache is going on????????
     
  2. Dawny

    Dawny TTc after loss baby W2

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    Oh Suze :hugs:

    I have not experienced what you are going tbhrough right now, but i can say im here to rant and rave to any time day or night.

    Im having a tough time, but at leat my hubby is sticking by me, i really do feel for you doijg this on your own, typical men run at the first sign of something they dont like!

    What you go through makes your stronger, im a firm believer in that and you hunny will be made of steel soon! Is there any family you can talk to? Or groups to take your little girl to to talk to other mums? Or grops for loss, especially on the internet?

    Im sorry im not much use for advice, but i hope i have let you know ppl are here for you, even though we dont know each other it feels as though we do.

    Chin up hun xxxxxx
     
  3. croydongirl

    croydongirl Well-Known Member

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    I wish I had something more I could do, but I wanted to let you know I am saying a prayer for you today. I am so very sorry for your loss and I cannot imagine how hard this time must be for you.
    Men and women do seem to have such different way s of coping with grief, not that that excuses how your OH is acting but I hope he will come around. I hope you can reach out to other family and friends for support - because you really need it at this time. I really hope that your OH will see how much you and your daughter need him, and recognise he is being selfish. I hope you can reconcile and be on the same page about adding to your family in the future.
    So sorry for your losses, thinking of you today x
     
  4. pip101

    pip101 Well-Known Member

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    so very very sorry Suze! I cant say anything to help or makeyou feel better but I am thinking of you. Your OH isobviously grieving but so are you, and you have the hormones to deal with! He really needs to sit down and talk to you instead of running away from things because that wontmake anything better and it certainly wont help!....
    I hope things sort themselves out for you!xx
     
  5. suffolksarah

    suffolksarah Well-Known Member

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    Hi Suze,
    Sorry to hear of your loss of both Joe and your other 'bean'. Sorry that your OH isnt helping you at this very difficult time, i really hope that he can get his act together so you can grieve together!
    Just thought i would send my love and a super big :hugs: xxxx
     
  6. WinterSun

    WinterSun TTC #3

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    I don't have any words, I just wanted to send you hugs xx
     
  7. pip7890

    pip7890 Mum of a Teen and a Baby!

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    I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Suze. Concentrate on getting yourself better so that you can enjoy your gorgeous daughter. Please be careful with the diazepam and don't be afraid to ask for counselling if you think it will help.

    You're in my thoughts.

    :hug:

    Pip x
     
  8. Suze

    Suze Mummy to Ava & Oscar

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    Thanks everyone for your kind words it means a lot, I guess I'm also trying to look for reassurance that I'm not going mad!!!!

    Hi Pip :hi: I have been seeing my GP quite regularly who is great but in terms of couselling there seems a bit of a sticking point. My GP offers a CBT based counselling service and my consultant (not her but her team) at the hospital offers psychotherapy - neither of which I'm suitable for as it's been pointed out that I'm actually grieving and so CBT or psychotherapy are not suitable. So it seems there's a gap in provision :shrug:

    My Oh came round to see our daughter earlier and I was soooo angry I just let rip at him, I couldnt stop it. I am just so angry that he thinks he is the only one sufferring, that he thinks he needed some space and what on earth does he think I am made of.
     
  9. pinkflamingo

    pinkflamingo Mummy to an angel x

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    I am so sorry for your losses.
    We have been going through a mmc and had been waiting for 8 weeks before I passed baby at the weekend. I know this is not the same as your experience, but what I wanted to say was that it has taken huge chunks out of my DH. I have never seen him cry like he has, or seen him look so fragile before. He has told me that he feels completely useless to me and that it kills him how there is nothing that he can do to make it better for us.
    I'm in no way saying that your husband walking out is okay, nor am I ignoring your grief, because I know that I have been in pieces over our mmc. What I am trying to acknowledge is that you are both suffering with grief, and the way men and women demonstrate that is completely different. My DH is already scared at the prospect of ttc again and we have lost just one baby. I am certain that your DH saying he wants no more children is just a reaction to his grief, and a way of trying to protect himself from hurting again. IMO a womans desire to have children will always naturally be stronger than a man. You want to try again and risk this pain again and he is scared of it. I understand your feeling. My desire to have children is too strong to let the pain of a mc stop me from trying. Men don't and won't understand this hun. It's just nature.

    I hope you don't take offense to any of this as it is not intended that way. It's not ok to expect you just to deal with your grief and everything else alone. I have been incredibly angry at times through my mmc and have taken it all out on DH. Anger is a natural stage of grieving and perhaps your DH wanted to get away for a bit so that he didn't direct his anger towards you. (I don't mean that in a violent way)

    I don't really know. I hope you are ok and that you will soon be able to sit down with him and have a talk about it all. It's an incredibly emotional time for you both and I send you hugs and good luck for the future.
     
  10. Jamaris Mummy

    Jamaris Mummy Well-Known Member

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    Hi Suze:flower:
    I remember talking with you about our little baby boys and their triploidy:hugs:
    Im so sorry to hear all the pain you are going through, Im so very sorry about your other little bean, that is just horrific that the hospital did that and you have no information as to why you lost your little one. Do you feel at all or was there any suspicion that triploidy may have been involved here?

    Pinkflamingo worded it perfectly in her response regarding your oh, that would be my advice also.. men are so shut down with their emotions and the grief of losing a baby creates sooo much heartache as you would well know, perhaps your oh just feels helpless deep down and that he doesnt know how to deal with this kind of 'deep' heartbreak. I dont agree with his walking out at all, especially since you have another little girl to care for, I am just trying to figure out what some feelings might be. Sorry that I cant be of more help..maybe if you guys organise to talk over a nice dinner one evening to release some feelings and encourage your oh to open up that might help?

    All the very best hun, we are here for you!:hugs:
     
  11. Suze

    Suze Mummy to Ava & Oscar

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    pinkflaming no offence taken whatsoever! What you say makes a lot of sense, it's our maternal instinct and desire to have children that makes us prepared to take a risk...and you're right I don't think men can understand this due to their biology :dohh:
    What I find really hurtful is that he has given me terrible mixed messages about this, saying that we could ttc, even looking at and reading the info on the cbfm I borrowed, and then when he wants to really punch me in the stomach he turns round and says no to it all. I think that's the thing that hurts so much, that he's using it as a stick to beat me with when he wants to hurt me, and I don't understand why he'd want to hurt me at this time.

    Jamarismummy :hugs: I have a feeling that this lost baby was a chromosomal abnormality again too due to the slow growth rate. I'm not sure about triploidy though, because Joe's growth rate was on track all the way through at all the early and later scans I had.

    I think this has now gone beyond being able to talk, the twice he's been round to see our daughter it has turned into an argument which I hate in front of her. I have suggested relationship/couple counselling to him as I don't think we can do it on our own.

    The other thing I called my consultant and asked to be referred to their psychology service.
    I do feel annoyed that I am being made to feel that my feeling of wanting another baby is so wrong though...I know it's not and I slightly resent being made to go to the doctors, taking pills and asking to see a psychologist about it :shrug:
     
  12. pinkflamingo

    pinkflamingo Mummy to an angel x

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    Good luck hun.

    When emotions are not so raw, maybe you could arrange to meet him somewhere without your daughter so that you can talk. The only rule is that arguing is not allowed! Open up and be completely honest about your pain, your desire to keep trying etc, the lot. It doesn't have to be somewhere really public where you will be surrounded, but somewhere neutral that you can talk. DH and I have done this and if there are some people milling around in the background then it actually makes you less likely to argue anyway!

    Just a thought. What did he say to the counselling suggestion of yours?

    You both need to take as much time as you need to grieve. I hope that you can come through this together and go forward as a family. I am sure that you will.

    xx
     
  13. Reb S

    Reb S Moving on...

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    HI Suze, sorry you're having an awful time. I can't offer any advice, but your GP or hospital should be able to put you in touch with someone who offers grief counselling. I got a session from my hospital after my MMC and it was very helpful. I hope your OH comes round x
     
  14. allmuddledup

    allmuddledup Mum to 1boy 1girl 3angels

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    Suze, my thoughts are with you. :hugs: You and OH are at an impossibly difficult place for both of you. I just hope that you will be able to heal and work through things in the best possible way. I truly hope that he has what it takes to get to that place with you. Love and thoughts. E xoxox
     
  15. SMFirst

    SMFirst New mom

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    Hi Suze

    I didn't want to read and run. I think the helpful words and advice others have given you is really great. I think the idea of counselling with a professional to be a mediator is good.

    My thoughts were, I find it really hard to get past the fact that he just left you and your daughter in such a fragile time. To me, loyalty and support are such huge parts of a marriage, I'd just find it hard to trust him after that (I'm sorry if that's offensive in any way but I think you and your little girl need to be treated better than that!). It's true men deal with grief differently but that doesn't give him the right to desert you, regardless of arguments etc.

    It really sucks he is giving you mixed messages, which must be so stressful. I just think you'll have to really consider if you want to have another child with this man, and if so, you'll have to give it time to be able to really trust that he is ready and committed for everything to come, good or bad.

    I hope for the best for you :)
     
  16. Suze

    Suze Mummy to Ava & Oscar

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    Thanks again for all your words, it is good to get different opinions.

    Well we're no further forward, OH flips between saying he left because of the losses of the last 6 months and becasue he doesn't want any more children and to be honest we have reached stalemate.
    I'm so hurt that he left us, left me at the crem after saying goodbye to another baby and that he knows it hurts me to say he doesn't want another baby when he'd said (and had babymaking sex) a couple of days earlier that we'd go for it.

    What he's saying now is that he wants a year to get over what has happened and then think about whether to ttc.....yup it's all about him and his needs. I know my needs may, to him seem unreasonable too. I know I couldn't do this, for 2 reasons: 1. I don't know if I can trust him to not change his mind and 2. I would resent him and would not be happy having to continue as if I was happy without a baby for a year until HE's ready to think about it.

    If we are to resolve anything one of us has to back down on this and at the risk of sounding stubborn it's not going to be me!! I think I'd like him to FULLY understand my feelings of wanting another baby after 2 losses but he's not prepared to listen and he's also not prepared to seek professional help :shrug:
     
  17. Eternal

    Eternal Three boys!

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    I'm so sorry for your losses, then your husband on top of it all! You must be a really strong woman! No suggestions, your husband needs to wake up and realise you need him. I know he is suffering too but to walk out is unacceptable! I just wanted to send hugs and pet you know I'm thinking of you xxx
     
  18. Suze

    Suze Mummy to Ava & Oscar

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    Well OH came round this morning to see our DD and it was all quite civil and I suppose I even was slightly pleased to see him. We started having discussions about what was going on and kept it civil and as calm as possible. I tried to explain why I felt like I did about needing another baby after having lost 2 and that I was in no way being stubborn or awkward it was just the way I felt. In the end I just agreed with him that we would try again and that he might at some point in the future change his mind.....

    Then as the day wore on I thought why have I backed down and just agreed with him when there's been little regard for my feelings and also that I feel massively mis-understood about the whole baby thing. I thought do I just let him move back in tomorrow and 'forgive' the fact he walked out on us 10 days ago and left me standing at the crematorium or do I ring and ask him if he's really happy that I was visibly unhappt this afternoon....

    I took the decision to call and discuss it, it was a disaster in that it turned into a shouting maych but then I suppose it confirmed that we are not able to discuss things on the phone let alone under the same roof with our daughter present. He's really really angry at me now because I 'changed my mind' and now he's not coming home tomorrow night as was the plan
     
  19. 3boys

    3boys Well-Known Member

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    so sorry that you have to go through this hun! x x
     
  20. missmayhem

    missmayhem Mummy to 2 little cuties

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    you poor poor love!!! i'm amazed that you can hold it together i'd have fallen apart a long time ago if in your situation

    i admire you for being so strong!!

    sounds to me like you OH is scared of losing not only another baby but also you, i think he is worried the stress of another pregnancy may push you apart and another loss would devestate your relationship
     

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