meldmac
Mom to an angel and Colin
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2008
- Messages
- 7,991
- Reaction score
- 0
I'm feeling empty right now as I write this, but I just felt the need to get it out. I don't know when I'll ever feel "normal" again after what has happened, or if I will.
This may be long, so I apologize ahead for this but I just need to get it out right now.
It began last Thursday, June 4/09 when I went into my regular pre-natal appointment. The doctor as usual went to check the heartbeat, and there was none. His clinic was right accross the street from the hospital and he said to follow him. I was in a state of shock at this time. He kept asking me when the last time I had felt the baby moving....I told him I thought I had felt him move that morning. The next 2 hours were a blur they did 2 ultrasounds and the whole time I was there I have never felt so alone in my life. I could not get in touch with my husband, finally I got my fil on his cell who said he'd bring my hubby to hospital as soon as he could. While I waited they confirmed that the baby had died and it had been a few days.
Finally my mil got to the hospital. Which was a big relief. The doctor got me to a room and finally my fil and oh got there. I dont' think either one of us has cried so hard in our whole lives. The doctor had asked me if I would rather wait it out until I went into natural labor which might still be a few weeks or be induced, I told him I wanted to be induced i knew I couldn't handle waiting it out. He said he would start the process that night so he got me a room and that night put some gelly on my cervix to soften it and prepare it for labor. It was the longest night of my life. He did it twice before any signs of it working happened. After awhile they put an iv in me with medication to induce me. Things happened pretty quickly after that, by 6 pm that night I was having contractions pretty close together, I had decided to ask for an epidural and by the time the dr. came to give it to me my contractions were so close together that they were right on top of each other. The epidural was very painful because I had a hard time staying still. Once I got it though it was much better. By 9 pm they said I was ready to push but said I could hold off as long as I needed to make sure I was ready for it. I waited until about 9:30 or so than decided I didn't want to put it off any longer. It took about 2 hours. When it was done it felt like someone had ripped part of me out. They took Devin and cleaned him up and asked if we wanted to hold him, we decided we did and wanted some pictures. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. We had a chaplin come in and bless our sweet little angel boy.
I don't know how we've gotten through these last few days...I really don't know how we're going to get through this at all. I just feel an emptiness inside that I don't think can ever be filled. I don't know why I felt the need to type this I just needed to get it out. I'm sorry if it's upset anyone.
I miss him so much....the only thing I am so thankful for is that even though we never got to meet him for the 9 months he was inside me he brought us more joy than I've ever known possible. I don't know why this has happened, they think his little heart just stopped beating. I just know that I will miss him forever.
Rest in peace my sweet little angel Devin and know that mommy loves you more than anything.
This may be long, so I apologize ahead for this but I just need to get it out right now.
It began last Thursday, June 4/09 when I went into my regular pre-natal appointment. The doctor as usual went to check the heartbeat, and there was none. His clinic was right accross the street from the hospital and he said to follow him. I was in a state of shock at this time. He kept asking me when the last time I had felt the baby moving....I told him I thought I had felt him move that morning. The next 2 hours were a blur they did 2 ultrasounds and the whole time I was there I have never felt so alone in my life. I could not get in touch with my husband, finally I got my fil on his cell who said he'd bring my hubby to hospital as soon as he could. While I waited they confirmed that the baby had died and it had been a few days.
Finally my mil got to the hospital. Which was a big relief. The doctor got me to a room and finally my fil and oh got there. I dont' think either one of us has cried so hard in our whole lives. The doctor had asked me if I would rather wait it out until I went into natural labor which might still be a few weeks or be induced, I told him I wanted to be induced i knew I couldn't handle waiting it out. He said he would start the process that night so he got me a room and that night put some gelly on my cervix to soften it and prepare it for labor. It was the longest night of my life. He did it twice before any signs of it working happened. After awhile they put an iv in me with medication to induce me. Things happened pretty quickly after that, by 6 pm that night I was having contractions pretty close together, I had decided to ask for an epidural and by the time the dr. came to give it to me my contractions were so close together that they were right on top of each other. The epidural was very painful because I had a hard time staying still. Once I got it though it was much better. By 9 pm they said I was ready to push but said I could hold off as long as I needed to make sure I was ready for it. I waited until about 9:30 or so than decided I didn't want to put it off any longer. It took about 2 hours. When it was done it felt like someone had ripped part of me out. They took Devin and cleaned him up and asked if we wanted to hold him, we decided we did and wanted some pictures. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. We had a chaplin come in and bless our sweet little angel boy.
I don't know how we've gotten through these last few days...I really don't know how we're going to get through this at all. I just feel an emptiness inside that I don't think can ever be filled. I don't know why I felt the need to type this I just needed to get it out. I'm sorry if it's upset anyone.
I miss him so much....the only thing I am so thankful for is that even though we never got to meet him for the 9 months he was inside me he brought us more joy than I've ever known possible. I don't know why this has happened, they think his little heart just stopped beating. I just know that I will miss him forever.
Rest in peace my sweet little angel Devin and know that mommy loves you more than anything.
Oh honey I am so very, very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, your OH and your family. Your little angel Devin will watch over you always, and loves you endlessly.
I really have no words, but you are a strong woman to come post this. RIP Sweet Little Boy.
...bless your heart for being strong enough to go through all of that and bless your sweet baby boy. 
I pray that you will find peace in youre heart... it is a long road to recovery... as we never forget but we move forward
Thinking about you all x
