Scared about going back to work

[Momof3boy]

I lost my precious baby at 21 weeks 7 weeks ago. I have not recovered emotionally yet. I think I am doing better this week, though still not a single day has gone by without me crying. Now on top of dealing with the deep sorrow of losing my sweet baby, I also have to worry about how I am going to be able to handle myself going back to work next week. I work with a lot of people at work, and I am not sure how much people know and who knows what. I just can't picture myself sitting in meetings with everyone, or when people come to my office, what I am going to say and how I am going to act. I am scared of facing people at work, and I afraid that I might suddenly break down and cry.

In addition to not feeling ready mentally, I am also not quite prepared physically. I had severe blood loss during my pregnancy and delivery and my blood level is still on the low side so I get tired easily these days. I am going to try to tough it out physically, but the emotional aspect is really worrying me.

I would appreciate if anyone can share with me their back to work experiences, what to expect and any helpful advices. Thanks. You all are the best!

 

[collie_crazy]

Are you sure you need to go back so soon? I was off for 11 weeks after my loss, partly because similar to you I had a massive blood loss and ended up needing a D&C for retained placenta. But mostly because there was no way I could have handled it emotionally before then.

However I know other people are different and manage to find a sense of normalcy by going back to work

What helped me is having my manager (and good friend) explain to people I work with what happened so that I knew there would be no awkward questions to answer when I returned.

I also found going in for a visit before returning fully helped, as it got seeing everyone over with and helped with the sense of dread about going back. I knew at the visit I could just leave whenever I wanted to - there was no pressure to stay like there would be if I was on shift. I ended up only lasting 40 mins before finding it all too much and leaving.

I also returned on a phased return so built back up to full-time hours over 4 weeks starting my very first shift by only doing 3 hours. I don't know if this might be an option for you? It was arranged by occupational health for me and I was so glad of it. Those first few weeks are so draining both emotionally and physically.

it does get easier after a while... And I found that the actual thought of returning ended up being much worse than actually doing it. What I found hard to deal with is that after the first few days my colleagues went back to normal around me, moaning and bitching about everyday stuff and I kept wanting to scream at them 'I lost my baby!! I lost my baby and your moaning about burning your toast!!'

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby and so sorry you have to be here asking about this but please know we are all here to support you through it of you want us to I'm sure more of the girls will be along soon

 

[Hellylou]

I think it depends very much on how you are feeling, and you will know in your heart when you feel ready to go back. I think by the way you are describing how going back is making you feel, just the thought of it, then you aren't ready yet. You need to be fully ready to face work, and if you think about it, it's better for you, and for your employer that you are fully fit to work before you go back.

As Collie says, there may be a phased return that you can do when you start feeling stronger, which will help ease you in. I actually went into work also whilst I was still off, just to sit in the back and see some of my colleagues, have a hug and a cry and I found that very helpful. It helped the actual return part having got over that, although the nature of my job means that I didn't see all my colleagues at once, and it was a few weeks before I had seen everyone so there were a few different hugging and crying times as I saw them all over time.

I went back quite early - 4 weeks, but that was largely down to me being in denial and desperate to get back to some kind of normality after the horror. I managed 3-4 weeks before suffering a bit of a setback and having to go off again for a further 2 weeks, but then I was alright. I think sometimes the focus of work can really help distract from the constant sadness inside, but it's important not to suppress it, and to know the difference.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little baby. Take good care of yourself, and you will know when the time is right to go back to work.

 

[Bride2b]

I lost my baby boy 7 weeks ago & am still off work. Last week was dreadful for me (had the consultants appointment, had first AF after loss & was supposed to return to work last Fri). I did not feel ready for work at all and was really worried the doctor wouldnt sign me off. In the end I went to the doctor & he signed me off for a further 3 weeks. This gives me a week of work before half term holidays - I teach at a college (16+ years) and have many colleagues in my office. Only one work colleague & my manager know about my pregnancy (as I was so small I wasnt showing & I was too scared of something going wrong that I was only going to tell people when it became obvious).
Anyway my ramblings are supposed to be helping you. Basically I am terrified too of returning as I have no escape if I feel emotional if I am in front of a class - and no one will know why I am an emotional wreck.

I would suggest that someone at work takes control & let people know you are returning (when you feel ready). Maybe you want to prep this person with info you would like people to know. For example if you want to talk about your baby as it helps, let them know this. I suspect most people wouldnt think of talking about it in case it upset you, but knowing you want to talk may help them to help you (IYKWIM).

Dont rush back to work, only go once you think you are strong enough to get through it. If you still have physical symptoms then its very hard for you to cope emotionally as you can not heal until the physical pain has gone.

When you go back, go back on a phased return like collie says, there is even a box on the doctors certificate for this (once you are ready). When I go back I wont be teaching on my first day & I think we are going to have a meeting about what work I will be doing. I know that in 2 weeks I will still be emotionally unstable...but I hope I will be in a better place than I was last week.

You need time to heal....dont rush back. You seem to be worrying more than you need to - just like I was/still am. My counsellor told me to stop worrying about thinking people expect you to be back at work / recovered etc, as this worrying makes you worse.

 

[amanda83]

Hi,

I'm sorry for your loss, and that you had to be a part of section of the website. What doesn't kill us will only make us stronger..remember that.

I like a few of the other girls mentioned to you made sure that my friends at work told everyone in the organization so I wouldn't get awkward stares, comments or questions when I came back.

I lost my baby at 22 weeks and returned to work 4 weeks later. During those 4 weeks we took a trip to Florida which did me a world of good, it's almost like I flew away from my problems for 7 days. Upon return I felt like everything came gushing back but it still really helped us. I highly recommend doing something special like this with your spouse if you feel up to it.

A nurse in the case room suggested that before I go back to work to drop in and say hi, that way it would be easier and less awkward when I arrive back for good. I did just that, the week before I came back to work I brought in cookies and a thank you card for everyone’s kind thoughts and gifts. It really took the edge off and highly recommend this.

I work in a big organization with 250+ people, and everyone knew about what happened except one person (a consultant) who asked me how the baby is doing. It was rough but you have to be prepared for something like this. Overall I found returning to work at 4 weeks was great. The time i was off I spent crying in bed and looking at his baby pictures. Returning to work really kept my mind off things, but if you need more time, stay home.

If you ever need to talk please let me know.
xo

 

[Momof3boy]

Thanks for everyone's suggestions and advises. I was home bedresting for a while before losing my baby, so I have already exhausted my FMLA leave, which is allowed for 3 months. I worked with a big company which has a lot of rules and structures, so I am not sure that I am able to get additional time off without running the risk of losing my job. I was however able to go to my doctor this week and asked her to certify me going back part time for the first week as transition. She agreed and now we are working through the disability claim group for my company to get that arrangement set up. I hope it will get approved.

I will take the advice and ask my friend to inform everyone of my return, and will also try to drop by work first. I hope I don't get too many awkward questions and will be able to hold up emotionally.