Scared of allowing FOB in LO's life

[44npregnant]

I've known I would be single Mom since I realized I was pregnant. The FOB is a narcissist that wanted me to get an abortion. I know I can't count on emotional or financial support. I was still thinking about encouraging FOB to know the baby anyway. But I'm concerned because he was mentally and emotionally abusive, as well as physically abusive toward the end, right before I found out I was pregnant.

I grew up without a Father so I'm sad about the LO not having a Father around. However, I don't think I can take it if the FOB uses the baby as a tool to emotionally and mentally abuse me further. I have a feeling he will.

I am still legally married to my ex who I have not seen in 5 years and he will be the legal father. This should make it nearly impossible for the FOB to have any legal claim to baby.

But am I doing the right thing keeping the baby away from it's Father?

 

[cranberry]

sounds like you'd be doing the kid a favor. i think the father has a right to know and the child has a right to know his lineage and even hang with his dad. but at the same time, these should be done safely. you or the baby would not be safe based on your description.

i think nurturing your child and telling him/her of their father when it is age appropriate would be my choice. i would keep in touch with the dads family so the kid could get to know them eventually.

 

[Mummy1995]

Your child's emotional and physical safety is the most important thing. If you think that fob will cause your baby any harm then honestly it's not worth the risk. When they are old enough to know the truth then you could let your lo decide themselves whether they want to know him or not. Or you could come to an agreement where you give him a chance but only allow supervised visits. And if you're worried he'll be abusive to you, have someone else either supervise for you or be there with you. An alternative is a contact centre too x

 

[Dezireey]

My ex was emotionally abusive to me and though I desperately wanted my LO to have his Daddy, you have to truly ask..... what type of Daddy would they have anyway? I mean, ask yourself what you would have preferred growing up?..No Dad around? or an abusive one who treated your Mum like crap and maybe lied or was abusive to you as a child?

I know in an ideal world we just all want our kids to have a loving Daddy but we can't control what really goes on in a man's head whilst we are with him. If we had a crystal ball that let us know what these FOB's are really like or capable of, we wouldn't get involved with them. But you know, though my ex was brutally emotionally cruel to me (he never thought he did anything wrong and blames me for being angry at him), I would do it all again just to have my lovely little boy.

I will never actively encourage my son to know his father. I will tell him more as he gets older but to be honest sweetie, I think its best that you just do your upmost to keep this guy away from your child. Both these guys have probably damaged us emotionally and left us mentally scarred and we were just in a relationship with them for a time. Imagine what damage they could do to our kids heads over a lifetime?

Nope, perhaps keep your LO away until they are into adulthood and then they can maybe deal with it their own way?

 

[justhoping]

its important for ur child to know there father no matter what, but maybe getting him to a parenting class andmaking sure he has supervised visitation until the child can talk about the visit is a good idea...if you are the one to push the other parent away your child can end up resentin you even if the x is bad...but if he refuses to this, then its the x not wanting to be in the childs life...not u...at least u tried

 

[Dezireey]

its important for ur child to know there father no matter what

I disagree sweetie. I was desperate in the beginning to have my ex be a father and everyone kept telling me to keep LO far away from him as he is a bad influence. Now I see the light and agree with that. If a man is emotionally / physically abusive etc, I think a woman should try her best to keep her child protected from that as that behaviour from a man just crosses the line I reckon.

 

[justhoping]

its important for ur child to know there father no matter what

I disagree sweetie. I was desperate in the beginning to have my ex be a father and everyone kept telling me to keep LO far away from him as he is a bad influence. Now I see the light and agree with that. If a man is emotionally / physically abusive etc, I think a woman should try her best to keep her child protected from that as that behaviour from a man just crosses the line I reckon.

this is why there is therapist, parenting classes and supervised visitation...now if he doesnt agree to this then its on his end but if he does then i dont see a reason to keep any child away, I been abusive relationships my x husband was severly abusive. He was made to go to parenting classes and all that jazz....kids need both parents if it can be helped but if one parent does have a problem then the problem does need looked at and what better way to try and help it then going to all that stuff and utilizing it....

 

[NKL120309]

Seems like this has already been answered to you by FOB.

If a man does not want to be there for his child, that is his loss.
You cant force them to be there, unfortnately.

I have a picture of FOB that I will be glad to show to LO(s) if he wants to see his dad because thats the closest that he is going to get (not by my choice)..

The most that you can get from him is his financial support!