Self harm/ Self injury support

[BearsMummy]

I have been a self-harmer for about 10 years, I have bipolar and a personality disorder.

I have been 'clean' for about 2 years now, but still get urges when I'm having a bad day. I just try and occupy my mind elsewhere now.

I started cytting on the tops of my legs, but people still found out, then I had a breakdown in 2003 and started cutting my forearms, I have maybe 200 cuts (3 were down to the bone and I had surgery) they are fading now, but will never disappear.

I am not ashamed of my scars, they are part of me, and part of who made me the person I am today. I now have a tattoo on my inner forearm beneath my scars which says ' sulum vix dico a fabula' which is 'every scar tells a story' in Latin.

 

[alchemy]

I used to hit myself all over, including my head. I haven't hit myself in months now and I hope I can stay "clean." I started back in high school, so this probably went on for 12-15 years

 

[BearsMummy]

I used to hit myself all over, including my head. I haven't hit myself in months now and I hope I can stay "clean." I started back in high school, so this probably went on for 12-15 years

I sometimes still do that, especially when OH and I are arguing and he just isn't listening or getting my point of view/what I'm trying to get across to him.

God, i sound like a spoiled little bitch.

 

[FiNZ]

Hi everyone ... I hope it's OK that I'm here. I just found out last week that my 13 year old daughter has cut herself. I don't know how many times, but I do know she hasn't done it very often. However, she's been really depressed since January when her boyfriend broke up with her. She has also been bullied at school for 4.5 years by the same person. We're working through that and the school has been involved, so it's getting better and her ex boyfriend is finally starting to talk to her and treat her like a human being again, so that's good, and she is definitely a lot happier when he talks to her, but I have arranged counselling for her. I totally freaked out and reacted in a way I'm not proud of when found out last week. Instead of being sympathetic, I was angry because another girl we know has been doing it and I had been talking to my daughter about her and how sad it was, and then it turns out that my daughter had done it too. She has scratches up her wrist. My husband said they're not deep, but we only saw them a week or so after she did them. It's hard to know how often she's done it and whether it's serious or for attention. She said she did it with scissors and she said she won't do it again and feels better now that I know about it. I don't know what to think. I'm so worried. xxxx

 

[BadassMom]

Hi everyone ... I hope it's OK that I'm here. I just found out last week that my 13 year old daughter has cut herself. I don't know how many times, but I do know she hasn't done it very often. However, she's been really depressed since January when her boyfriend broke up with her. She has also been bullied at school for 4.5 years by the same person. We're working through that and the school has been involved, so it's getting better and her ex boyfriend is finally starting to talk to her and treat her like a human being again, so that's good, and she is definitely a lot happier when he talks to her, but I have arranged counselling for her. I totally freaked out and reacted in a way I'm not proud of when found out last week. Instead of being sympathetic, I was angry because another girl we know has been doing it and I had been talking to my daughter about her and how sad it was, and then it turns out that my daughter had done it too. She has scratches up her wrist. My husband said they're not deep, but we only saw them a week or so after she did them. It's hard to know how often she's done it and whether it's serious or for attention. She said she did it with scissors and she said she won't do it again and feels better now that I know about it. I don't know what to think. I'm so worried. xxxx

Of course its okay that your here!! It's very understandable that your worried about your daughter, and your doing the best thing possible by getting her into therapy! Let us know if you ever have any questions that we could possibly help you with.

 

[emmaxlouise20]

im so happy i found this thread, nice to know im not on my own xx

 

[FiNZ]

Hi everyone ... I hope it's OK that I'm here. I just found out last week that my 13 year old daughter has cut herself. I don't know how many times, but I do know she hasn't done it very often. However, she's been really depressed since January when her boyfriend broke up with her. She has also been bullied at school for 4.5 years by the same person. We're working through that and the school has been involved, so it's getting better and her ex boyfriend is finally starting to talk to her and treat her like a human being again, so that's good, and she is definitely a lot happier when he talks to her, but I have arranged counselling for her. I totally freaked out and reacted in a way I'm not proud of when found out last week. Instead of being sympathetic, I was angry because another girl we know has been doing it and I had been talking to my daughter about her and how sad it was, and then it turns out that my daughter had done it too. She has scratches up her wrist. My husband said they're not deep, but we only saw them a week or so after she did them. It's hard to know how often she's done it and whether it's serious or for attention. She said she did it with scissors and she said she won't do it again and feels better now that I know about it. I don't know what to think. I'm so worried. xxxx

Of course its okay that your here!! It's very understandable that your worried about your daughter, and your doing the best thing possible by getting her into therapy! Let us know if you ever have any questions that we could possibly help you with.

Thank you so much. I saw her arm yesterday and there are still marks all over it, so I assume that it must have hurt her at the time. She cut one week and four days ago. But she said that wasn't the only time. I feel sick about it. Is this the million dollar question .. why do people do it? I feel as though I've failed her somehow.

Last night, she received these messages on tumblr. This is just the tip of the iceberg...

 

[I Love Lucy]

Thank you so much. I saw her arm yesterday and there are still marks all over it, so I assume that it must have hurt her at the time. She cut one week and four days ago. But she said that wasn't the only time. I feel sick about it. Is this the million dollar question .. why do people do it? I feel as though I've failed her somehow.

Last night, she received these messages on tumblr. This is just the tip of the iceberg...

I might be of some help to you as you remind me very much of my own mother. I discovered cutting when I was a freshman in high school. I had a hard time adjusting to being around older kids/finding a place where I fit. I became very depressed and I just felt helpless. I didn't think it would ever get better so I started cutting. Cutting for me was a way to express the feelings I couldn't say. Sometimes I felt like I was just in so much pain from everything (breaking up with my boyfriend, losing friends, etc.) that sometimes cutting was just the only pain I could control. So perhaps sharing why I did it might shed some light on why your daughter did.

Anyways...after about a year of cutting, a friend decided to tell an adult at the high school and then my parents were called. I remember that day as one of the worst days in my life. I could see the disappointment all over my parents face when they saw my wrists. I think a lot of it is the social stigma about cutting that is out there. People think, oh they're just doing it for attention and that there isn't something serious going on. It was like me cutting was some kind of secret that had to be kept otherwise it would bring shame to the family. But regardless my mother was terrified by the reality that her teenage daughter was harming herself. She removed all the razors in the house as that was what I was cutting with (what she didn't know is I had hid razors around my room so I could have cut at any point had I wanted to). She checked my wrists regularly, checked on me a lot when I was home, etc. She was trying to show that she cared but at the time I just wanted her to go away because seeing her just made me feel worse. About a month after, I made the decision that I didn't want to have to hurt myself. To this day, I still believe that my friend telling an adult was the first step in recovery but recovery was never going to be completely possible unless I was ready to recover.

I think it's important to understand that cutting is very similar to recovering from a drug. People use it as a way to cope and when they stop it's kind of like you have to take it day by day and sometimes there are relapses. I unfortuantly had a relapse last year and have still be struggling so I don't have a positive ending to my journey with cutting at this point in time. But I'm trying to get back on the right track.

As for the tumblr, your daughter is definitely a victim of cyberbullying. I would report those posts to tumblr immediately. I would even say you should possibly get your daughter into a support group for victims of cyberbullying. And perhaps see if legal action can be taken if you feel it's necessary. I remember seeing an abc family movie not too long ago called Cyberbully (it's on Netflix too) that you might want to watch with your daughter.

 

[BadassMom]

Thank you so much. I saw her arm yesterday and there are still marks all over it, so I assume that it must have hurt her at the time. She cut one week and four days ago. But she said that wasn't the only time. I feel sick about it. Is this the million dollar question .. why do people do it? I feel as though I've failed her somehow.

Last night, she received these messages on tumblr. This is just the tip of the iceberg...

I might be of some help to you as you remind me very much of my own mother. I discovered cutting when I was a freshman in high school. I had a hard time adjusting to being around older kids/finding a place where I fit. I became very depressed and I just felt helpless. I didn't think it would ever get better so I started cutting. Cutting for me was a way to express the feelings I couldn't say. Sometimes I felt like I was just in so much pain from everything (breaking up with my boyfriend, losing friends, etc.) that sometimes cutting was just the only pain I could control. So perhaps sharing why I did it might shed some light on why your daughter did.

Anyways...after about a year of cutting, a friend decided to tell an adult at the high school and then my parents were called. I remember that day as one of the worst days in my life. I could see the disappointment all over my parents face when they saw my wrists. I think a lot of it is the social stigma about cutting that is out there. People think, oh they're just doing it for attention and that there isn't something serious going on. It was like me cutting was some kind of secret that had to be kept otherwise it would bring shame to the family. But regardless my mother was terrified by the reality that her teenage daughter was harming herself. She removed all the razors in the house as that was what I was cutting with (what she didn't know is I had hid razors around my room so I could have cut at any point had I wanted to). She checked my wrists regularly, checked on me a lot when I was home, etc. She was trying to show that she cared but at the time I just wanted her to go away because seeing her just made me feel worse. About a month after, I made the decision that I didn't want to have to hurt myself. To this day, I still believe that my friend telling an adult was the first step in recovery but recovery was never going to be completely possible unless I was ready to recover.

I think it's important to understand that cutting is very similar to recovering from a drug. People use it as a way to cope and when they stop it's kind of like you have to take it day by day and sometimes there are relapses. I unfortuantly had a relapse last year and have still be struggling so I don't have a positive ending to my journey with cutting at this point in time. But I'm trying to get back on the right track.

As for the tumblr, your daughter is definitely a victim of cyberbullying. I would report those posts to tumblr immediately. I would even say you should possibly get your daughter into a support group for victims of cyberbullying. And perhaps see if legal action can be taken if you feel it's necessary. I remember seeing an abc family movie not too long ago called Cyberbully (it's on Netflix too) that you might want to watch with your daughter.

This is so true. I can't even add anything because it's so spot on.

 

[FiNZ]

Thank you so much for all of that. I am so grateful. I will reply properly as soon as I can! I am just going out to do a few jobs that have been put off all week, but I will reply very soon! I meant to reply last night, but it was a it hectic (more on that soon) xxxxxx

 

[FiNZ]

Thank you so much. I saw her arm yesterday and there are still marks all over it, so I assume that it must have hurt her at the time. She cut one week and four days ago. But she said that wasn't the only time. I feel sick about it. Is this the million dollar question .. why do people do it? I feel as though I've failed her somehow.

Last night, she received these messages on tumblr. This is just the tip of the iceberg...

I might be of some help to you as you remind me very much of my own mother. I discovered cutting when I was a freshman in high school. I had a hard time adjusting to being around older kids/finding a place where I fit. I became very depressed and I just felt helpless. I didn't think it would ever get better so I started cutting. Cutting for me was a way to express the feelings I couldn't say. Sometimes I felt like I was just in so much pain from everything (breaking up with my boyfriend, losing friends, etc.) that sometimes cutting was just the only pain I could control. So perhaps sharing why I did it might shed some light on why your daughter did.

Anyways...after about a year of cutting, a friend decided to tell an adult at the high school and then my parents were called. I remember that day as one of the worst days in my life. I could see the disappointment all over my parents face when they saw my wrists. I think a lot of it is the social stigma about cutting that is out there. People think, oh they're just doing it for attention and that there isn't something serious going on. It was like me cutting was some kind of secret that had to be kept otherwise it would bring shame to the family. But regardless my mother was terrified by the reality that her teenage daughter was harming herself. She removed all the razors in the house as that was what I was cutting with (what she didn't know is I had hid razors around my room so I could have cut at any point had I wanted to). She checked my wrists regularly, checked on me a lot when I was home, etc. She was trying to show that she cared but at the time I just wanted her to go away because seeing her just made me feel worse. About a month after, I made the decision that I didn't want to have to hurt myself. To this day, I still believe that my friend telling an adult was the first step in recovery but recovery was never going to be completely possible unless I was ready to recover.

I think it's important to understand that cutting is very similar to recovering from a drug. People use it as a way to cope and when they stop it's kind of like you have to take it day by day and sometimes there are relapses. I unfortuantly had a relapse last year and have still be struggling so I don't have a positive ending to my journey with cutting at this point in time. But I'm trying to get back on the right track.

As for the tumblr, your daughter is definitely a victim of cyberbullying. I would report those posts to tumblr immediately. I would even say you should possibly get your daughter into a support group for victims of cyberbullying. And perhaps see if legal action can be taken if you feel it's necessary. I remember seeing an abc family movie not too long ago called Cyberbully (it's on Netflix too) that you might want to watch with your daughter.

Thank you so much again for sharing your story with me. I hope so much for you that you are able to stop cutting again, and that you have the right help and support to get back on track. It sounds as if you did so well to stop for the period of time that you did, so you know you can do it again.

I feel really depressed at the moment, and I'm thinking back about everything that could by why my daughter is where she's at today. I just blame myself. This is why.... I divorced her father, so I automatically think me either divorcing him, or staying with him for as long as I did (and her witnessing the verbal and mental abuse he inflicted on me) has done some damage. Also, I am so protective of her, and when all this bullying started back at primary school, 4.5 years ago, I got involved as I wanted it stopped. Sometimes I wonder if I made things worse. Maybe they pick on her more because they hate me??? She used to be so happy and outgoing, and I was looking at old photos this morning, and saw photos of her taken only 4 years ago, and she looked so FREE and innocent and it broke my heart. She is really beautiful (even though I'm her mum, I know this is true!!!), and so many people have said that the bullies are just jealous, but why would they pick on MY daughter, when there are other pretty people for them to jealous of? I know that my daughter has allowed these people to walk all over her and treat her appallingly, so maybe they know they can get away with it. She said to me the other day that she's going to change and stand up to them and not take their crap anymore.

I also wonder if maybe the knowledge that her own father is an idiot might be making he upset? She knows what he's like, and she knows he takes drugs and that he is not a good role model. He lets her down constantly. My husband is an amazing step-father to her, and she loves him, but she can't handle him telling her off when he does. He defends me when she is rude to me, and he tells her not to talk to me that way. I think it's reasonable that he does this, but she doesn't take criticism or discipline well.

Sorry to go on and on. I'm feeling quite sad at the moment and really confused. She needs boundaries, and I'm getting exhausted with the arguing when she doesn't get her own way. I feel as though I'm losing control of her and I also feel as though she is shutting herself down and it scares me to death.

I hate tumblr and I hate facebook. I hate all the messages she has received that have chipped away at her self esteem. I hate that she hates school. I hate that I can't fix her. I hate the ring leader of the bullies. Her name makes me sick. I'm terrified that my daughter hates her life.

I need to add here tho that she IS happy when she's with her friends. So while it hurts me that she mopes around at home, I am relieved that she laughs and has fun with her friends.

I know I have more to say, but I'll send you this for now. My baby has just woken up.

Talk again soon. Thanks for your help. I just don't know how to move on from this. I can't even read what I've written to check it before I send it. Sorry! xx

 

[I Love Lucy]

Thank you FiNZ, knowing that OH and I will be TTC very soon has been a big motivator for me to stop. Though I must admit that when I think I've only stopped for a few months compared to the years that I was fine before now, I do get a bit disappointed. I just have to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time and not be so hard on myself.

Anyways...I think it's really important that you not blame yourself for your daughters cutting or it might make her feel worse. I remember my mom wrote me a letter one time about how she was feeling and how she blamed herself and it made me feel terrible because it wasn't true. When I started cutting, I didn't have the best home situation. My dad was drinking more and more, it wasn't uncommon to come home to him passed out drunk. Or for him to say mean things to me. This also caused a lot of tension between my parents so fighting happened a lot. And though this did add stress, I can still say my main reason for cutting is because of my problems at school. I think a lot of time during the teen years, you kind of drift away from your parents because you percieve them as being uncool and embarrasing and your friends become more important. Of course, maybe that was just me.

I think it might be nice for you to sit down with your daughter and ask her what you can do to help her with the bullying. Maybe find out if you going to the school and stuff is something she finds has helped or has it made things worse. Sitting down and knowing what your daughter wants might help you feel like you're not so helpless in this situation. I still really recommend watching Cyberbully, it was so informative when I watched it.

 

[FiNZ]

Thanks for replying again. I will definitely get hold of Cyberbully. I was wondering if there might be someone on the forum here who used to be a bully! I don't know if anyone would want to admit to it, but I'm so curious to know what motivates bullies. Maybe I'll find out a bit more from watching Cyberbully?? I just can't believe this girl has gone out of her way for all these years to make my daughter's life hell. We just found out yesterday that they have a class together next term. The school so far has kept them apart, at our request, but I think they have overlooked this class. I'll just see what happens or I'll ask my daughter if she wants me to see if she can be moved. I don't know...

I will try really hard not to let her think that I blame myself, because I don't want to add to her guilt or sadness. I know she's been through so much at school, so I do believe it's mostly that that has contributed to how she feels. Also, her boyfriend breaking up with her and treating her like crap for months hasn't helped. He and her have been sort of friends again for the last few weeks, but he's on holiday now for a fortnight, so we'll see how he is when he returns. The other big blow to my daughter is that when he broke up with her, he started hanging out with the bully girl, and started to like her. I can imagine how hurtful that must have been to my daughter, especially as her ex boyfriend knew what this other girl has put her through. So I guess she felt really betrayed.

There's just so much. It's so complex. I hope the counselling helps. I have to believe that it will!

I just want my happy, smiley, confident daughter back. She's even put away most of her ornaments and nick-nacks (sp?) from her room and made it quite bare. I don't understand that.

I'll let you know when the counsellors contact us to assess her. Our GP saw her the other day and agreed she could benefit from it, and have written a referral. Not sure if I already mentioned that!

Sorry, just one more question. Should I just act normal around her and treat her the same way I treat my other children? I feel like I've been going out of my way to please her, but it's not working. So maybe I should just act as though I don't notice she's sad. I just don't know what to do. Maybe she's playing on it a bit. THIS SUCKS!! I'm so confused.

xxxx

 

[modified]

Hey.. sorry, I don't have the energy to go into a great big long post but I've been diagnosed with severe depression since I was 8 years old and I'm 23 now. DON'T go out of your way to please your daughter. There's a chance she could get used to it. Then what happens when she gets better and that stops? There's a chance she could could go out of her way to make herself feel bad again so she gets everything from you on a plate.

I went through a phase of that between the ages of 11 and 15... I was on meds and began to feel better... then my mum stopped coming home with random presents for me and stopped going out of her way to do things for me she thought would make me happy... and it made me feel like crap. So I came off my meds without telling her so I could go back to getting all that. It wasn't selfish of me... I'd just equated all of that with love and, when she stopped, I had a feeling like she didn't love me anymore now that I'm "better".

 

[MommaAlexis]

I've been SH free for a year now. It's been hard not to during the pregnancy. I would never because of the risk to her, but it's still hard.

 

[swalumni]

Jumping in. Cutter for the last 15 years but have been cut-free for the last two. Celebrated my victory over SH with tattoos over and around my scars symbolizing my ability to survive and overcome terrible situations.

*Also, diehard fan of Dean...swoon.*

 

[FiNZ]

Hey.. sorry, I don't have the energy to go into a great big long post but I've been diagnosed with severe depression since I was 8 years old and I'm 23 now. DON'T go out of your way to please your daughter. There's a chance she could get used to it. Then what happens when she gets better and that stops? There's a chance she could could go out of her way to make herself feel bad again so she gets everything from you on a plate.

I went through a phase of that between the ages of 11 and 15... I was on meds and began to feel better... then my mum stopped coming home with random presents for me and stopped going out of her way to do things for me she thought would make me happy... and it made me feel like crap. So I came off my meds without telling her so I could go back to getting all that. It wasn't selfish of me... I'd just equated all of that with love and, when she stopped, I had a feeling like she didn't love me anymore now that I'm "better".

Thanks for that, you make very good sense! I will definitely ease off on the over-compensating, but I'll make it so that I'm not just suddenly stopping, so hopefully she won't notice.

I hope you are feeling OK. It must have been really tough to be depressed at such a young age. Do you know what made you feel that way, or is depression something that you cannot control? I never know if depression is caused by events, or if it's just something that happens. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to! It's just that I've been trying to figure out what 'made' my daughter this way. xxx

 

[modified]

Yes, definitely ease it out!

Depression can be either circumstantial (caused by events) or chemical (a lack of seretonin). Mine was both. My grandad (my hero, my best friend, my father figure) had been living with us for the past year in a bed in the living room, slowly dying. Then he did die. It was the worst day of my life.

I'm not a HUGE advocate of therapy. I'm hugely resistant to talking therapy... it just does nothing but I feel it IS necessary in the beginning purely to figure out why.

For me, actually doing stuff is what helps me. Some people only need therapy and it helps them but, like I said, it does nothing for me. What really helped? A local organisation here that you go to and, on the first week, you're taken away camping on a "wilderness survival" type trip. After that, you can go as often or as little as you like. They offered classes every day like cooking, archery, raft building etc. That is what helps me.

So if you get her into therapy, really persevere with it. Stick at it for a while. If it's really not making a difference, don't panic. She may just be like me. She might just need that little bit more. Something different.

 

[modified]

Something else... do you have a support system around you?

My mum never had a soul to talk to. Literally, no one. Well, she did but she didn't utilise them... she kept it to herself and tried to deal with it herself. The guilt and the worry was so much that she, herself, ended up in therapy and on medication until she got a better hold on it and opened herself up to her family.

I must say, once she has help, be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. Especially in terms of medication. I've been on and off medication (my own fault, keep forgetting to take it!) and the first 2 or 3 weeks are bad. I'm on prozac and one of their side affects? Suicidal feelings. But it does only last those couple of weeks before it starts to get better so you must sit her down and really explain that. No one done that for me and I stopped taking them for the longest time because I felt worse than I did before taking them.

Also - how does she feel about going to the doctor and medication and therapy? In the beginning, I really did not want it. I wasn't worth it, y'know? Wasting their time. I've found you have to want to get better before it really does begin to make a difference.

 

[BearsMummy]

Modified has really given some good advice there, I can't really add anymore.

I particulary agree with getting yourself some support, I know from experience, as soon as I hit teens was when my problems started and my poor mother had no help or support and ended up getting quite ill from it herself. Now when my 12 year old son has problems with bullying, I know it causes me to come crashing down and get very depressed, angry, and helpless. Luckily, OH is amazing and is a wonderful support. he calms me down and helps me to deal with things in a calm and collected way.

With regards to a bullying perspective I can't really help with that I'm afraid, but I personally think they do it because they can. They always find someones weakness and prey on that. For instance, I am TINY, all 4 foot nothing of me, so I was an easy target because of that, but my mum perservered and MADE me front it out and stand up for myself, her way of thinking is that, I would have this all my life, so i have to deal with it, even as adults you will come across some arsewipe who thinks its funny to crack jokes and bully. Its the best thing I ever done, I walked into class, i held my head high and I learned to not listen to what they were saying. When it came to physical bullying, my mum enrolled me on a self-protection course and martial arts, and they confidence I gained from that was great.

I would recommed trying to get your daughter into something like that, occpy her mind with things she enjoys.