Self harm/ Self injury support

[modified]

A lot of bullies also have their own problems and either bully others to cover that up or it's the only way they can release their own anger/depression etc. It's quite sad really but a lot of people just haven't learned how to deal with their emotions and, for some people, bullying is their way.

Whereas some people are just plain nasty.

 

[I Love Lucy]

Cyberbully gives some points of view from the bullied and the bully. It's really well done. On the movie, one bully chooses to bully another girl because that girl made a comment in a class discussion that the bully found insulting and immediately disliked the girl because of that. I found it interesting in the movie when a bully in the film is being interviewed because she says she never saw herself as a bully. With cyberbullying, you don't see the person's face when you make your comments so you can't see that it hurts them. And because it's anonymous, you kind of feel like there will be no repercussions.

In my own experience, I had a girl I thought was my friend take some journal entries of mine where I ranted about how much I disliked a classmate and then gave them to that classmate. I was furious with this girl as were my friends and though we never did anything like what is being done to your daughter, we certainly weren't nice to her (I have apologized to this girl for my actions as did she, we're not best friends but we don't have issues with each other just so no one thinks that I'm some horrible person). So I think sometimes the people being bullied might do something to bring it on themselves. But I also saw in the movie that the bullied girls friends became targets as well, kind of a guilty by association type thing. I don't think there is one specific reason that will explain why some people get bullied.

To answer your other question, when my mom found out about my cutting she did so much stuff (checking my arms, writing the letter, constantly checking on me, etc.) and more then anything I just wanted her to stop. All the extra stuff just reminded me of what I had done. It's not like anyone is proud that they cut themselves. More then anything I just wanted to forget about it. So based on how I felt, I wanted more then anything for my mom to just forget about it and act like nothing ever happened instead of treating me differently. So based on my experience I would say try to treat your daughter as normally as possible (I understand that it might be difficult as it's all such a shock to you) but I believe it's hard to heal from it if you're constantly being reminded of it, iykwim?

 

[MommaAlexis]

I also just wanted to be left alone. I wasn't ready to quit and she just made it worse checking my arms everyday. I just started cutting my thighs, stomavh and ankles instead. You can't force someone to drop an addiction if they're not ready, just do what you canto make her ready.

 

[MommaAlexis]

Actually I should add, I know my opinion on whatto do is still biased because I still just want to be left alone with my razors. Even though I know it's bad and wouldn't, I still have this "our little secret" mentality. So, take my advice with a grain of salt.

 

[FiNZ]

You are all just amazing and so helpful. Thank you so much. My daughter did say to me that counselling won't work, so hopefully she hasn't already made up her mind, and can go in to it with an open mind. On a good day, she is just lovely, but she just changes in an instant and is negative and rude. Last Monday she had a day off school, and that was the day I phoned the mental health until near our home, and I went in to her room and told her what I'd done, and that they had said she qualified for their help (because of the cutting and the sadness and fear of school and up until recently, her refusal to eat at school. She DOES eat at home, but didn't want to eat in front of people in school for some reason). She was calm and accepting and agreed with me when I said I thought it would help her and that it was important we get her some help. But then 2 days later when I took her to our GP for the referral, she was SO rude and scowled at me and said 'why the f*** are we even here?' I can't keep up!!!!

I have a really supportive husband, but I haven't told any of my family. I don't know why? Maybe I still feel that by talking about it to my family makes it real, and I'm still hoping it was just a couple of isolated incidents that won't happen again. It's scary and I still need to figure out my own head I think. It's really hard because I have her, a 10 year old, a 2 year old and a 4 month old, so I'm finding it difficult to have the emotional capacity for everything that each person needs. Also, my sister has recently separated from her husband and is quite emotional at the moment and leans on me a lot. And there are other things going on too, so it's all a bit much. I just need to prioritise and get this sorted, because it is affecting our home when my daughter is miserable and I'm sad and worried.

Modified, those activities sound really good. I wonder if my daughter would be into that kind of thing. I am really keen on anything that will get her off her laptop and outside into the real world!

Oh, one more thing before I rush off to get ready to go shopping, the school councillor and house leader have said to me that she seems happy at school. Everyone tells me that she is one of the popular girls. I'm so confused?? Is she faking it at school or faking it at home? It really sucks that her and the bully have mutual friends. Also, my daughter's close friends are all too scared to stand up to the bully, so it really is just my daughter all alone with nobody standing up for her. My daughter always stands up for people when they get picked on on facebook, but nobody is brave enough to do it for her. You have no idea how close I've come to sending a message to the bully. She tried to steal something of my daughter's a while ago but got caught. She still didn't own up and tried to say she accidentally put them in her bag. More on that soon. My husband is asking me to hurry up!!!

Back a bit later! xxx

 

[MommaAlexis]

Everyone still tells me how happy and social I am. I'm really not. Also, with cutting you have days where you know you need help, then other days where you just want to be left with your razors. It's why we relapse. It's not that she's faking really, when I'm at work I almost am that person, then home I'm someone else. I don't know why, mainly because I won't be myself at work or around strangers.

 

[Miss_Quirky]

I broke down. Badly. All I can think about is how much of a burden I am everywhere I go, my depression is so bad I can barely take care of my own son. I am so done with being miserable.

 

[FiNZ]

Everyone still tells me how happy and social I am. I'm really not. Also, with cutting you have days where you know you need help, then other days where you just want to be left with your razors. It's why we relapse. It's not that she's faking really, when I'm at work I almost am that person, then home I'm someone else. I don't know why, mainly because I won't be myself at work or around strangers.

Is it a positive that you are able to switch into that 'happy and social' persona, even if you're not feeling it? Because you still have the ability to not just give in and think 'who cares who sees me as I know myself to be'? I don't know if I'm way off the mark, but I take relief in the fact that my daughter CAN be happy. I think I'd be far more worried and sick than I already am if she couldn't be happy in any situation.

xxx

 

[MommaAlexis]

To be honest, I couldn't tell you whether it's good or not. I feel so manic at work, and go go go and then I get home and I just hide until I'm calm again and sometimes I go TOO far into being calm and get sad.

 

[modified]

I would say it's not a positive. I was the same at school. And putting on that happy, cheery persona that was a total fake was so, so draining.

 

[I Love Lucy]

Ditto to what modified said. When I went to school I was happy and cheerful. But it was just an act because I didn't feel that at all. When I was back home, I just spent my time in my room where I didn't have to put on an act. It is really draining.

Also, when I recovered from cutting the first time I did so without going to counseling. My mom certainly suggested it and it made me angry. I think what irritated me so much about going and talking to someone is that it made it seem more real that there was something wrong with me.

 

[MommaAlexis]

Same, first time I quit I did it on my own. And yes, it is really really draining.

 

[FiNZ]

I broke down. Badly. All I can think about is how much of a burden I am everywhere I go, my depression is so bad I can barely take care of my own son. I am so done with being miserable.

Oh no, this makes me feel really sad. Do you have any help? Is there anyone you can talk to? I bet you're not a burden at all. You just think that. Hugs. xxx

 

[FiNZ]

I have to say, I have realised that I am absolutely naive and ignorant about all of this. I think that I'm trying to fool myself that it's not THAT serious or bad, but actually, it is something that I do need to take very seriously. I WANT so much for her to be happy, that when she seems it or looks it, I think 'thank God'. Thanks for enlightening me. It's so much deeper than I ever realised.

 

[MommaAlexis]

My mother did the same thing my whole teenage life. My scars are finally healing up so started to wear skirts. They rode up one day and she saw how bad my thighs were and for once she stopped looking at me like I'd done it all for attention. Out of everything, it;s having people say stop being so dramatic, or it's just for attention that hurts the most. Because you're doing everything in your power to stay human, and to have someone say you're a liar, or even to think it, just multiplies everything. It's why so many of us hide it for so long, we don't want to see the faces of those around us when they find out. The looks are always with pity, disgust and disbelief. It's one of the worst looks in the world. I don't hide the fact that I've cut anymore. I have a tattoo covering the worst of my scars that says "This too shall pass", another one that says "Mind Over Matter" and am getting my right arm done with "You should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living. Because it's the ones with the sorest throats, Lara, who have done the most singing." When I was cutting, it was honestly an addiction. I spent every day feeling surreal, like I wasn't even there. I went six months without talking. When I started cutting I felt like I'd woken up again and started making friends again. But during that time it got so bad, I had to leave class sometimes because I couldn't make it through an entire class without it. It was only after I started cutting that the dual personality thing came up. The main thing that got me to stop was my best friend coming out of the washroom covered in scars, begging me to stop. Screamed at me that this is what he had to see me do to myself. I didn't quit that day, but it made me realize how bad I'd gotten. That was four years ago and I still can't be in the same room as razors if I'm sad. If I didn't have such a good friend like him, I don't know if I would have been able to stop. We're still very close. It gets better, it's never easy. But it gets better.

This is just my experience with SH. Everyone's got a different story.

 

[I Love Lucy]

FiNZ, I don't think it helps that society makes it seem like people cut just because they want attetion. MommaAlexis sums it up quite well.

On another note, I cut last night. I feel really ashamed of myself and kind of think I'm a failure because of it. I just really need to get myself motivated to stop using cutting as a coping mechanism. I know I can do it, I've done it before. It's just making myself believe I can that I seem to be struggling with.

 

[FiNZ]

FiNZ, I don't think it helps that society makes it seem like people cut just because they want attetion. MommaAlexis sums it up quite well.

On another note, I cut last night. I feel really ashamed of myself and kind of think I'm a failure because of it. I just really need to get myself motivated to stop using cutting as a coping mechanism. I know I can do it, I've done it before. It's just making myself believe I can that I seem to be struggling with.

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I hope it's not my fault that it's been more on your mind, because I've been asking questions and you've been bringing things up again? I am so sorry if it is because of that. You are definitely not a failure. No way. And because you have stopped before proves 100% that you can do it again. Is there anything else you could do instead next time you feel that you need or want to cut? I know this will sound stupid and I'm not trying to sound as though I know what I'm talking about, but I have to lose a few kgs, as I haven't lost weight since having my baby four months ago. Today was meant to be my fresh beginning, but my daughter got home from a birthday party this morning and pretty much couldn't really be bothered talking to me, so I went straight to the pantry and ate 4 chocolate biscuits. I need to find some other way of making myself feel better when I get stressed. I sort of slip into a feeling sorry for myself way of thinking, and I think 'who cares if I eat chocolate and who cares what I look like'. Is that anything at all the same for you? Could you go for a run or do something else when you feel stressed or upset or under pressure? xxx

 

[I Love Lucy]

FiNZ, it's definitely not your fault. Honestly, I'm about 90% sure it's related to my BCP. I started taking BCP last year and ever since then I've been depressed which lead to me using cutting as a way to cope. I'm pretty positive that when I stop my BC at the end of this month my mood and feelings will improve a lot.

Also, what you described with the food is much like what it's like for me with the cutting. I just think, it doesn't matter if I stop cutting, no one cares anyways. I think getting myself out of that way of thinking when I'm really upset is the hardest part. It probably doesn't help that I lock myself in the bathroom where there are razors at so I have that temptation right in my face. I think if I just retreated, to a room without sharp objects until I calm down, I'll have better results.

 

[MommaAlexis]

Yeah, suddenly all the hard work seems totally stupid, and you do it thinking it's not a big deal if you just do it one more time. Cue two hours later, realizing your months of work is back at square one because doing it once brings the addiction back full throttle.

 

[FiNZ]

Hi again. Sorry it's taken me this long to reply. I feel as though I'm being a bit annoying with all my questions and paranoia! Yesterday was a crap day. Tori got home from school and was her usual sad self, and I said to her that she needs to try to find some good about school, because she's there for another 4.5 years. Things went from bad to worse, and we ended up having an argument and she said I'm always negative. I have to take that on board because even if I'm not, and that's how she feels, I don't want to say anything that is going to make her want to cut again. I really want to ask her if she's done it again, but from reading the posts in here, I don't think I should ask.

I worked out that the time she cut was the weekend when her ex boyfriend unfriended her on facebook. I know that she's suffering a lot since he broke up with her, and I wish that she would realise that one day she will get over him. He has since added her again, and last night they spoke on facebook and he was friendly, so her mood TOTALLY changed and she was calm and talkative. As soon as he ignores her at school (and I don't even know if she's imagining that or if it's actually happening), her whole world crumbles and everything is shit for her. But when he talks to her, she is calm and happy. I told her yesterday that if she is moping around at school with a sad face, then people will avoid her, especially him. Guys his age don't need or want to have to see that someone is sad and broken hearted because of them. She didn't like what I said, but I feel that I do have some responsibility to TRY to help her. I am doubting everything I say or do now though, in case I upset her.

I can't wait for the counsellors to call with an appt time. I'm so out of my depth.

I hate her being sad. She is usually so much fun and we were so close, but this year has been hell.

Thanks again for your input! xx