Self harm/ Self injury support

[modified]

Again, sending lots of to you. It's a very scary thing your daughter is going through and sometimes it's hard knowing what the right way to handle it is because everyone is different.

(congrats on the BFP!!!)

I agree with this.

Buuuut.. I'd say don't homeschool her... she needs to learn how to gain control over emotions and be able to deal with things like what's going on with school etc. She won't be able to do that if she's not there, experiencing it iykwim? By taking her out of the situation, she's not going to be able to learn fully how to deal with the issues in the right way and get past them. It's all well and good being given mechanisms for that in therapy but I feel you have to go through it to be able to put those mechanisms to use... I left school. It was the worst thing I could've done.. while I'm much better mentally now, similar situations to those which I experienced in school still leave me a jibbering wreck because I was never there so I wasn't able to learn how to deal with it... am I making sense?

Okay... maybe a fake scenario would be best... let's run with the ex boyfriend thing. That's happening and she's seeing him at school with girls and it's tearing her apart. Or girls are being really, really mean to her. So she wants to be homeschooled. You pull her out of school and slowly, she gets better. She'll get better quicker, sure... but she won't have learnt how to deal with those specific emotions she's feeling.

What happens when she has another heartbreak but, this time, she's in work and not school? Or she starts a new job and the other girls on the job are mean and nasty?

I think by pulling her out of school, you could be setting her up for a life time of running away from her problems or turning to other things to block those problems out because you'll be showing her how easy it is.

I was pulled from school and, despite years of therapy, I still don't know how to control my emotions in certain situations because I was, from that point, never in those situations to learn.

 

[I Love Lucy]

Good point modified. I wasn't thinking about it that way when I suggested the homeschooling idea.

 

[FiNZ]

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your BFP!!!! That's such happy news!! I hope everything goes perfectly for you! xx

Thanks for the helpful replies, and sorry that I sound so needy! I would definitely be hesitant to home school her, for the reasons that modified gave. I have said to her that there will unfortunately be more boyfriends she breaks up with in her life, and people she clashes with when she gets a job, so I do think that learning to deal with it head on can only be helpful and useful.

I've got a community drug and alcohol counsellor coming over here to our house on Weds this week. I know it sounds a bit OTT, but her father is a drug addict, and I am terrified that if she 'tries' something, she will get addicted. I just want her to be educated on drugs so that if she tries it (which I know that most of us do at some point), she knows what she is doing. She didn't get angry with me when I told her I'd arranged this!! I am against her doing it this young. I know that kids are doing all sorts of things at a young age, but it scares me that she will get hooked, and turn into a bit of a no-hoper. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who has smoked weed recreationally - everyone I know has abused it and when I think back to my relationship (if you could call it that) with my ex/her father, I feel sick about how awful he was and about what drugs did to him. The thing is, a few months ago, my daughter was so against drugs, but now that she's been seeing a new group of friends, it's all changed. I'm gutted. I still think that at the age of 13, I have every right to restrict her from going to certain places where I know she might be more likely to try drugs or alcohol. I think I have tried more to be a friend and make her happy, but now I need to pull the reigns in a bit.

As for her moods, I just don't know what else to try and I guess I will just have to wait and see if things improve with counselling. She was smiling the other night and I couldn't believe how pretty she looked!!

She has said after each time she's cut, 'I'm fine now, don't worry, I won't do it again'. I've learnt that those are empty words

Your support is amazing. Thank you all so much. xxxxx

 

[I Love Lucy]

Definitely don't be afraid to put your foot down with your daughter's new friends. I remember when I was really depressed and cutting myself I ended up getting involved with people who used drugs frequently. Because I wanted to fit in and seem cool I started using drugs too. Prior to this I was against drugs too and knew how dangerous they were but with as depressed as I was, I kind of got to the point that I didn't care. I mean I didn't want to die, I just wanted something to numb the pain.

What completely changed things for me was when I was hanging out with these friends and unknowingly smoked weed that was laced with something else (my guess was Ecstasy). It was the worst experience of my life, I was sweating like crazy (no doubt I had a fever), I was nauseated, and I was having horrible hallucinations where I was literally screaming like a crazy person. I was still a mess the following day. After that experience, I kind of wish my mom would have completely banned me from seeing those people because I'm convinced that had I smoked more then I did I could have easily OD'ed and I wouldn't be here today.

She might hate you for it and get angry with you. I know I did with my mom the few times she told me I couldn't go out but I'm thankful for it today.

I really hope the drug counselor can give her some things to think about. Feel free to even share my experience with drugs with her. I know I never thought something as "harmless" as weed could be laced with something more dangerous.

 

[FiNZ]

Thanks for sharing that. How hideous!!! You must have been so scared.

Sorry I haven't been on to talk, but my wrist is strapped up from a tendon inflammation thing (apparently it's common post-pregnancy because of extra fluid), so it's hard to type comfortably!

The drug councillor came on Tuesday. My daughter was really against it, but she talked to her and agreed to see her again next week. We've had some pretty bad days and she told me that I annoy her and say annoying things. I asked her for an example, and she said 'you come into my room and ask if I'm doing my homework'. WOW. I can't believe that is so annoying!!

I'm just backing off a bit but I did tell her that it is my business where she goes and what she does while she's only 13, because she seems to think that it shouldn't be my business. She said she only goes to school because I make her, but that she isn't trying there.

It's been crap actually. I'm sick of arguing. I'll get back to you again soon!! Hope you girls are well. xx

 

[FiNZ]

Me again.

So I've just found out that she's been smoking cigarettes. FFS. I'm SO angry. She said that it's because her life is so boring and I never let her do anything. Which is utter crap. She gets to go to most places she asks to go to. She then clarified and said it's because I won't let her try weed or alcohol, and 'everyone' else is doing it. She said she doesn't care that smoking is really bad for her health, and she said that if she gets addicted (which she won't of course, because she just wants to be an 'occasional' smoker), she'll just go to 'one of those clinics' and get over her addiction. I'm so frustrated.

The councillor we saw on Monday said that they don't see any clear signs of mental illness, and that they think that she has had a lot of emotional upset to deal with. I'm not sure what the next step is. It frustrated me that she said to them that she doesn't cut any more, and they accepted that. Each time she's cut she has said she won't do it any more. Surely they won't just believe that?

I was given some really good advice about boundaries, and I have already put some into place. I just feel like I'm so out of control, but I am going to pull the reigns in a bit. I've already seen a change in her attitude since we implemented laptop rules and housework rules. I'm going to be tough and not be afraid to have rules. If she's going to cut herself because I don't let her sit on her laptop until 11pm on a school night, then sadly, I can't do much about that. I can't be too scared of her moods and actions to actually parent her.

Anyway, that's all for now. How are you guys doing??? xx

 

[MommaAlexis]

Glad you're gaining some control back. Hopefully it's part of the fitting in phase she's in now and she outgrows it soon. Just waiting for my LO to arrive haven't thought about SH in a few days. Weird. Too busy I guess.

 

[FiNZ]

Glad you're gaining some control back. Hopefully it's part of the fitting in phase she's in now and she outgrows it soon. Just waiting for my LO to arrive haven't thought about SH in a few days. Weird. Too busy I guess.

Thank you! I feel positive, even though underneath I am sick and worried.

I'm so glad you haven't thought about it in a few days. That's great news. Good luck for LO's arrival. Sooo exciting! xxxxx

 

[MommaAlexis]

It's like walking a tight rope. You don't want to belittle it, but you don't want to be controlled by it. Works for both the SHers and their families, if we think for even one second it's not a big deal, we fall back into it. If we focus on it, it feels insurmountable and we give up.

 

[I Love Lucy]

I'm so glad you've made some new rules and are sticking to them. I think having some boundaries might help your daughter.

 

[MommaAlexis]

Hey FiNZ, was wondering how she's doing now? My baby girl is huge now! Love her to bits. I still struggle. But I've been SH free for a year and a half now! WOO!

 

[FiNZ]

Hey FiNZ, was wondering how she's doing now? My baby girl is huge now! Love her to bits. I still struggle. But I've been SH free for a year and a half now! WOO!

Hey MommaAlexis, I'm so sorry that I haven't replied sooner. I didn't know that you had written, and we've been so busy with moving house and having inlaws here and just life in general!

I'm so happy for you that you have been SH free for that long. That is just awesome! And I bet your baby girl is gorgeous. My baby girl is 10 months old now, and she is just divine, but she doesn't sleep, so I'm a wreck!

As for my 13 yr old, things got really bad (long story, mixed with the wrong people but it all came to a head and they've fallen out and now she is back with her lovely friends), so then things got great, but just this last week I'm really worried about her. She is distant and weird, and I feel as tho she is hiding something from me. It just occurred to me tonight that she might be self harming again. I will have to try to see what I can find out.

There is so much going on and so much to think about. I'm terrified, really.

Thanks for asking! I'll check back here often to see if you have replied! xxx

 

[kmh2012]

im 27 and have been a SH since i was 9. i have been SH free for 2 months but am very close to falling back into that trap again. just stuck and scared.

 

[BadassMom]

im 27 and have been a SH since i was 9. i have been SH free for 2 months but am very close to falling back into that trap again. just stuck and scared.

Hi, I'm 24 and have been self harming since I was 15. I had been "clean" for over a year until a month ago when I got so overwhelmed I gave in and SH. Just wanted to reach out to you in case you needed to talk. Are there other coping techniques that work for you, like writing or painting?

 

[kmh2012]

ive been in hospital continuously for last 18 months and on and off for 3.5 years. Ive gone through intensive DBT which should help but just don't think i can live with BPD anymore

 

[modified]

ive been in hospital continuously for last 18 months and on and off for 3.5 years. Ive gone through intensive DBT which should help but just don't think i can live with BPD anymore

Borderline? I was diagnosed 3 years ago. I'm 23, been self harming since I was 8 and about a year (not including 2 small incidents) free. I'm here

 

[BadassMom]

ive been in hospital continuously for last 18 months and on and off for 3.5 years. Ive gone through intensive DBT which should help but just don't think i can live with BPD anymore

Is there a therapist or someone from the hospital that you can call? If your still cycling through depressed/manic states your medication might not be working properly.

 

[BadassMom]

ive been in hospital continuously for last 18 months and on and off for 3.5 years. Ive gone through intensive DBT which should help but just don't think i can live with BPD anymore

Borderline? I was diagnosed 3 years ago. I'm 23, been self harming since I was 8 and about a year (not including 2 small incidents) free. I'm here

Bipolar Disorder I'm guessing??

 

[kmh2012]

borderline yeah. I've got people at the hospital i can ring but i can't seem to get away from my parents (who look after my son) to ring the hosp and tell them how i truly feel. and how can i break the news to my parents that i dont think im ready to be discharged from hosp. i dont think im ever going to feel ready

 

[BadassMom]

borderline yeah. I've got people at the hospital i can ring but i can't seem to get away from my parents (who look after my son) to ring the hosp and tell them how i truly feel. and how can i break the news to my parents that i dont think im ready to be discharged from hosp. i dont think im ever going to feel ready

Sorry I thought it was bipolar. If you don't feel ready then you don't feel ready. I'm sure even though your parents want you to get well they would want you to be truely well (and not just putting on a happy face).