Self harm/ Self injury support

[MommaAlexis]

Ouuu good luck TTC! I got pregnant less then a week after starting to Ttc, hopefully it's as easy for you!

 

[I Love Lucy]

I'm hoping it's that easy but since OH and I decided to start trying right after stopping BC I'm not quite sure how it'll go. I have my fingers crossed.

 

[FiNZ]

Tumblr have said that sadly, once it's been deleted, it's gone for good.

The girl that did it has been in isolation at school all week. Like, literally ALL week. Her mother called me and was very apologetic, and she said that she was banning her daughter from the laptop for 2 months. Well, she's already back on tumblr! Her facebook has gone though.

We finally have an appt with the councillor booked. It's not until the 9th July.

Last night she was out at a bday, and was texting me, sad that her ex boyfriend had said a couple of things about her at school yesterday. So now she's slipped back to sadness. I can't believe that it only takes one thing to trigger it. I'm not looking forward to this weekend because she will obsess over it the whole weekend now.

How are you going? xx

July 9th isn't too far away. I really hope the counselor is able to help her, especially when it comes to coping with other people.

I know what usually caused me to get upset were the things other people did. I think it's even harder when you're a young teen. You're not a child, but you're not an adult so it's kind of hard to know where you fit. Not to mention all the hormones and other changes brought on by puberty. The teen years are just a very stressful time in general I think.

I'm sending lots of your way! Hang in there!

As for me, I'm doing great. I've had a rough couple of days but self-harming was not the way I handled it. All I had to do was get myself in the mind set that I wanted to handle the stress and problems in a healthy way. Knowing OH and I will be TTC in a few days is a really big motivator.

Oh that is such fantastic news!! Good luck TTC. So exciting! And I'm so happy that you handled your stress in a healthy way. That must be a huge boost to your faith in yourself!

I just can't remember my teen years being this drama filled, but maybe I've just forgotten. I just feel completely helpless and sad. She was at her best friend's last night and I texted her and asked how she is and she said she's not ok. I said 'you can't let XX ruin your entire weekend' and she said 'I know, but it's still sad'. I really hope that the counselling helps. If It doesn't, I just don't know what to do, but I guess I will cross that bridge if we come to it. I think it's affecting other things in MY life now, like my relationship with my husband. Because I blame myself for a lot of things, and I hate myself right now, so I'm being generally negative and sad and bitchy.

I feel like I'm a dark cloud. It's horrible.

Anyway, I don't want to weigh you down with my crap, so just ignore me. I just want to fix things for my daughter. xx

 

[MommaAlexis]

Your problems are just as important as hers or ours.

 

[FiNZ]

Your problems are just as important as hers or ours.

Thank you. xxx

I just feel like I need to focus on hers only, because once she is happy, I won't be sad and worried anymore. So when I'm feeling worried about her, which is most of the time, I can't seem to be a good person to everyone else who needs me.

I got her school report on Friday, and she's had 8 absent days this term. That's in a 10 week term. That's bad. She wasn't actually sick on any of those days. Now that the bully has left for another school, hopefully she'll have a better attendance record.

I have way too much stuff to vent!!! xxx

 

[I Love Lucy]

I think a lot of things have changed since I was a teen. I mean social networking sites weren't all that popular then so cyberbullying wasn't really an issue. We also didn't have things like the "cinnamon challenge" and the "choking game" when I was a teen either. Both of those thing my cousin has participated in and it's quite terrifying.

I think it's important that you take care of yourself as well. Perhaps you should set up an appointment with a counselor too? Something that I learned is being depressed is very draining but constantly trying to be there/support a depressed person can also be draining too. So much so that you might end up depressed yourself.

I also want to say it sounds like your daughter is making a lot of progress. She is being honest with you about how she felt. Had that been me when I was a teen I would of just said I was fine instead of admitting that anything was wrong. Maybe it doesn't sound like something huge or that anything has gotten better but I think you should take a look at these small accomplishments a bit instead of stressing about all the stuff that is still causing your daughter problems.

I'm sending lots of your way FiNZ!

 

[FiNZ]

You're right, and thank you for pointing that out. She has definitely made a lot of progress, especially when I think back to how she was at the beginning of the year. I'll definitely try to feel encouraged by that. I think the counselling will help us both. I really need to learn what is 'normal' teenage angst and what isn't! They said they want me there for her first appointment, so I will write some notes and try to get everything out there, in case it's the only appt I'm allowed to be part of!

I think I might be starting to get a bit depressed myself. I don't want to be. I'm scared of it. My mum suffered with depression as I was growing up, and it wasn't nice. I'm scared that I'm going to put my children and husband through what I had to deal with having a depressed mother. That sounds horrible. My mum is amazing and I love her so much, but I do have a lot of memories of her crying and being annoyed and stressed and not coping with anything. She's not really like that anymore.

Thanks again for everything. You and MommaAlexis have been so supportive and helpful. xxx

 

[Groovychick]

You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself too. Why not visit your G.P to see if they can help? Talking things over with an independent party can help you to organise your thoughts and (if necessary) start anti-depressants. Make an appointment as soon as possible for both your own and your family's wellbeing.

 

[FiNZ]

You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself too. Why not visit your G.P to see if they can help? Talking things over with an independent party can help you to organise your thoughts and (if necessary) start anti-depressants. Make an appointment as soon as possible for both your own and your family's wellbeing.

I am sort of in denial at the moment, and telling myself that once my daughter is 'better', I will be too. I will talk to the councillor at her appt. I've just realised her appt is 16th July, not the 9th. I'm going to phone and see if they can fit her in earlier, as she is off school again today. It's getting embarrassing phoning the absentee line. Also, I don't like my GP anymore so I need to find a new one.

THIS SUCKS.

I told her this morning that she has to at least TRY to lift her mood. Is that even a valid thing I've said to her? She is now crying and upset because one of her friends has been flirting with her ex boyfriend and now in her head they're going to get together and live happily ever after. Also, that bully girl is having a party this Sat night, and my daughter is convinced that her friend and her ex might get together at the party.

xxx

 

[MommaAlexis]

Talking to the councilor will definitely help for you too, it's hard always second guessing yourself and if you're saying or doing the right things. Her journey may be a lot longer or shorter then you expect. Trying to put patch work on a flood for your own emotions isn't helpful for her either, if this goes on longer you can become wrapped up in the addiction yourself and easily edge into your own obsession with it. Dealing with someone who's depressed can cause a lot of self assurance issues in anyone and it's understandable to be stressed out. If your councilor isn't as helpful as you'd like, there are AA groups for friends/family to help deal with someone they love being addicted to alcohol. It's not exactly the same, but you may be able to take some things away from it if the resources aren't in your area for SH addictions. Just an idea if you find they aren't very helpful for you. It's very hard to get out of that cutting mind frame. If you're in it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It honestly feels like you aren't doing anything wrong and everyone's overreacting. It isn't until you try to quit that you realize how up shit creek you are. It's like everyone's saying "I can quit whenever I want." You think you can. You think you just don't need to, it's not that hard, you're in control. It's how we relapse. We have moments where we're like, "Oh, why am I doing this anyways?" .. fast forward a couple hours later, cursing all your hard work.

 

[FiNZ]

Talking to the councilor will definitely help for you too, it's hard always second guessing yourself and if you're saying or doing the right things. Her journey may be a lot longer or shorter then you expect. Trying to put patch work on a flood for your own emotions isn't helpful for her either, if this goes on longer you can become wrapped up in the addiction yourself and easily edge into your own obsession with it. Dealing with someone who's depressed can cause a lot of self assurance issues in anyone and it's understandable to be stressed out. If your councilor isn't as helpful as you'd like, there are AA groups for friends/family to help deal with someone they love being addicted to alcohol. It's not exactly the same, but you may be able to take some things away from it if the resources aren't in your area for SH addictions. Just an idea if you find they aren't very helpful for you. It's very hard to get out of that cutting mind frame. If you're in it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It honestly feels like you aren't doing anything wrong and everyone's overreacting. It isn't until you try to quit that you realize how up shit creek you are. It's like everyone's saying "I can quit whenever I want." You think you can. You think you just don't need to, it's not that hard, you're in control. It's how we relapse. We have moments where we're like, "Oh, why am I doing this anyways?" .. fast forward a couple hours later, cursing all your hard work.

I feel like a stuck record saying 'thank you' over and over again, but I really do mean it!! THANK YOU!

I definitely do feel as though it is on my mind at all times, and I'm not able to stop thinking about it or put it to the back of my mind. It's just always there. The fear and the worry, just don't go. When she smiles or looks happy, I am ridiculously relieved, but then the second I see her sad face, my stomach is just sick again. I'm embarrassed about all the time off school she has had. I'm half expecting the school to phone me and question me about it.

The mental health unit said yesterday that there are no earlier appts, but if anyone cancels they'll let me know. My daughter said 'XX told me that she went to [the same place she's going to] and she didn't like it and it didn't help'. The girl who hacked my daughter's facebook and deleted her tumblr also went there, and her mother (when she phoned me apologising for what her daughter did to mine) said that it didn't help her daughter. I'll still go there with an open mind,but I'm not going to pin all my hopes on it, especially after reading in here that it doesn't help everyone.

xxxx

 

[Ceejay123]

I feel awful for your daughter. I didn't experience bullying at school, so i can't relate... But I did go through some harsh times and begin to self-harm at 13. I hope she recovers and starts to live a happier life, she needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I'm so impressed that you're involved so much and I want to commend you for it. My parents didn't even notice my self-harm or suicide attempt... So that you're so involved is amazing. Well done to you.. you're doing an amazing job. x

 

[FiNZ]

I feel awful for your daughter. I didn't experience bullying at school, so i can't relate... But I did go through some harsh times and begin to self-harm at 13. I hope she recovers and starts to live a happier life, she needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I'm so impressed that you're involved so much and I want to commend you for it. My parents didn't even notice my self-harm or suicide attempt... So that you're so involved is amazing. Well done to you.. you're doing an amazing job. x

You're so kind, thank you for saying that! I am doing my best, but I know that often I do or say the wrong thing! I guess sometimes she does appreciate me, because she does tell me things and she's quite open, but other times she really doesn't. I went into her room before and saw a photo of someone on her facebook, so I asked who it was. She was so rude back to me, and then she said 'you're so nosey sometimes'. I said to her that I was just trying to drag some conversation out of her!!! She is two different people. I want to check her arms. I'm going to. I have to... xxx

ETA .. she has cuts. She said they're the scars from the time I knew about ages ago. I said 'you must have done it hard that time then' and she said 'I don't care'. So I said 'do you swear you haven't done it again?' and she said 'no.' Then she said 'I'm fine. You don't understand. Just leave me and I'll sort it out when I go to the counsellor. I won't do it again'. Well, she said last time that she wouldn't do it again. So that means nothing. And now I don't know what the fuck to do all over again.

I said 'what don't I understand?' and she said 'that everything makes me angry. I'm always angry'.

I'm going to bed. I have nothing left to say or do or think or feel.

 

[I Love Lucy]

First off,

All of this is hard on you and I know first hand how hard it is for your daughter.

Just try to remember that relapse does happen with the cutting. When she said she wouldn't do it again, I'm sure she truly meant it that first time. I know when I started to struggle again recently, I would tell my OH that I wasn't going to do it anymore and I truly did mean it when I said it. Then something would happen that would get me so upset and then I would just think what's the point and the cycle repeated until recently when I got myself into a place where I was 100% ready to start dealing with my emotions and stress in a healthy way. I don't believe your daughter is in that place yet and that's ok. It doesn't mean she won't ever get there.

Are there any support groups in the area for teens who self harm? If not, try looking into message boards for teens who self harm that your daughter could use to get things off her chest. I found a lot of comfort in talking to others my age about what I was going through because I thought they understood far more then my parents ever could. Sounds like your daughter has similar feelings. And again, that's okay too. Don't beat yourself up over it. I think as adults we do have a harder time understanding everything that is happening in a teen's life. For example, my cousin is a teen and participated in the "choking game" and the "cinnamon challenge" and had to be taken to the hospital for both things. I still don't understand why my cousin and all his friends and other peers think these are such awesome things to do even after the hospital trips. I don't get it. It's the same feelings I have when another teen cousin would get so upset over his girlfriend breaking up with him. To me, it's like you were together 2 weeks and you certainly weren't in love, so why are you acting like it's the end of the world. Again, I don't get it. I'm not saying you don't understand anything because I'm sure you do just as I try to understand why my cousins feel and think the way they do. But at the end of the day, I still won't see things the same way as they do and that can often be as frustrating for a teenager when it comes to trying to talk to an adult.

What I would advise you to do is maybe look into some kind of class that you might have fun doing. Pottery class? Painting class? Horseback riding lessons? Whatever you might be interested and can actually do. Or maybe even look for activities you can do as a family. Go to the movies one a week or every couple weeks. Have a family board game night. I think you and your daughter both need some activities that can keep you focused on something else, allow you to relax and de-stress, and actually have fun. I feel like if you continue to stress so much it's going to start negatively affecting your own health.

I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense and helps you.

 

[Ceejay123]

Sweetie, if you need to talk to somebody that's been through it... Feel free to message me. I understand how hard it is... She's feeling isolated. At least she knows you're there for her.. It's just not enough sometimes x

 

[FiNZ]

Thank you so much for your amazing and consistent support. I can't talk tonight as we've had a terrible night and I'm emotionally drained from crying so much. It's late and I'm going to bed, but I will write tomorrow morning when I can. xxxx

 

[Ceejay123]

Chin up Honey, you're doing all you can x

 

[I Love Lucy]

I'm so sorry you have had a terrible night. I hope you feel better in the morning.

 

[FiNZ]

Hi again. After school yesterday, my daughter said her day was pretty crap, as her ex boyfriend had told one of her friends who he likes. She guessed who he said, as she told me the other night that she thought he liked this particular girl. So last night I went into her room to tell her that dinner was ready, and she said she didn't want any. I asked why not and she said she wasn't hungry. I could see that she was trying not to cry, so I asked her what was wrong. She said 'nothing' at first, but I persisted, and then she said 'I'm talking to XX and he's telling me that he likes XX'. Then she just started crying, and it broke my heart. I tried to touch her leg, and she flinched away from me, which also breaks my heart and she was so upset. She didn't want me in her room and asked me to leave. So I did. But I went back a while later to talk to her and then I went back again later. I said 'please come here' so she came to me, and we hugged for ages and I cried and she cried and I said I'm so sorry for her problems and she said 'it's not your fault' and I said that I think a lot of them are my fault. I didn't tell her these reasons, but this is what I think: I think it is my fault that she can't deal with a break up because her stupid father hasn't made her feel loved and she had a crap home life before I divorced him because he was abusive (verbally) towards me and she had to witness that. I blame myself for that. I should have kicked him out way before I did. Although maybe she resents the fact that I did kick him out. Who knows?

So last night I said to her when we were hugging, 'please don't cut your arms' and she said 'I want to' and I said 'please don't. What will it solve?' and she said 'I don't care, I want to do it'. And I said 'think of XX's (her 5 month old baby sister) delicate little arms. Yours used to be like that and can you imagine her wanting to hurt herself later in life?' (sounds silly now but it was all I could think of because to me, my daughter even tho she is 13 is still my precious little girl) and she said 'ok, I won't do it then'. Anyway, I know that doesn't mean she won't, so all evening I kept going in and out of her room to check on her. She left her bedroom door open. She said she wouldn't do it. I said 'it's not long til we see the councillor' and she said 'I don't want to go. I hate talking about my problems. It's not working going to the school councillor. I don't even know why I bother'.

So I called her best friend to see if she could come and spend the night but for once her mum wouldn't let her (her mum doesn't know what's been going on and if she did know she would have said yes, but I didn't want her mum to know), so I felt sad about that because I really wanted her to have her best friend's support and company overnight.

It's school holidays here for the next 2 weeks, and I've said to her that we're going to go to the Katy Perry movie together and out for dessert, so I'm looking forward to that.

My sister said to me today that she's not trying to criticise, but it used to be just me and my 2 girls, and now it's the three of us, plus my husband and 2 babies. But it didn't happen overnight, so I don't know why my sister would say that. She has just made me further blame myself. It's a happy household here usually, and she gets on well with my husband and he loves my 2 big girls as much as his own 2 and does so much for them. But of course now I'm thinking that because I'm so much busier, I have somehow neglected her.

I found out her tumblr url, and I've looked at it, and there are so many things on there that make me sad. I can't tell her I've seen it though.

I haven't even told anyone in my family about the cutting, except my cousin in Sydney who I'm really close to. I'm not ashamed. I just want to respect my daughter's privacy and I guess I keep thinking it's just going to get better.

Sorry this is so long.

My sister can't understand how she can be so hung up on a boy. They went out for nearly a year and she liked him for months and months before that. It's not up to me to say her feelings aren't valid. They're hers. I think he will end up going out with this other girl, but as I said to my daughter last night, he is probably going to go out with plenty of girls before he one days gets married to someone. She just has to ride this out and things WILL get better. They have to. xxxx

 

[Ceejay123]

It doesn't matter particularly whether people think she shouldn't be feeling how she is, fact of the matter is... She is. I'm very concerned I hope she gets better soon. I'm glad she's so open with you about it, but it soundslike she really needs help Honey. I don't want her to feel worst and step things up.
Keep your chin up, and stay strong! You're doing all you can! x