Self harm/ Self injury support

[FiNZ]

It doesn't matter particularly whether people think she shouldn't be feeling how she is, fact of the matter is... She is. I'm very concerned I hope she gets better soon. I'm glad she's so open with you about it, but it soundslike she really needs help Honey. I don't want her to feel worst and step things up.
Keep your chin up, and stay strong! You're doing all you can! x

Thank you. I'm really concerned too. We've just had an argument. I was driving her to her friend's house. I can't take this anymore. She is like a shell at the moment. She can't even be bothered talking to me or using any expression in her voice or anything and I'm offended as well as scared. She doesn't even want to go to counselling so with that attitude before it's even started, I can't see how it'll work. I just got a text from her that says 'sorry.' I can't even reply because I don't really want to say 'it's OK' because I don't think it is. She needs to make an effort and stop talking to me as though I'm just a pain in the arse. xxx

 

[modified]

"She needs to make an effort"

I self harmed for the first time in a long time not yesterday but the day before. My depression is terrible at the moment and my OH has said the above. I need to make an effort. My reply? I am making an effort. I'm actually getting out of bed. I'm actually sitting up. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm eating. And it's absolutely, completely, 100% draining. It's exhausting. I beg him in my head not to speak to me because I just don't have the energy to process a polite, mannered response. Whatever is in my head is just going to come out because the effort to form a response that doesn't sound angry and pissed is overwhelming.

 

[Ceejay123]

She can't make more of an effort than she is... Back then I was a zombie. An absolute wreck. I didn't want to be here, it was taking every little bit of my 'effort' to get up in the morning and pretend to the world that I was fine. She doesn't need to make an effort, she needs help X

 

[I Love Lucy]

I would still take her to counseling even if she doesn't want to go. You might be surprised that it actually does help her. Hang in there!

 

[FiNZ]

Thanks so much for being here to offer your help and support and advice. xxx I didn't mean to sound offensive when I said 'she needs to make an effort', but it's just that when she's with her friends, she talks to them and seems to have fun. Maybe she's faking it with them. I didn't really think of that yesterday when I wrote that.

I'm so scared. Modified, I'm so sorry you have been feeling so depressed. If you are acting the way my daughter is, I am sure you fiancée is scared like I am. Do you think I should just back off and not try to drag conversation out of my daughter? I have been trying to, just to make her talk so that I can say to myself 'well she's OK, she's talking' but I know I'm talking crap just for the sake of talking.

xx

 

[modified]

Definitely try stopping dragging conversation out of her. My partner doesn't do that but, when I was your daughters age, my mum would and it was just... bad. She'd ask me questions and she'd get one word replies because coming up with a sentence was too much. Then she'd get upset with me because I would start getting really irritated and snappy. It wasn't her that I was getting irritated and snappy with, it was me. I wanted to be able to answer her questions properly and talk to her but I just simply couldn't be bothered to put it mildly. It took it out of me to reply with a simple "yes" or "no" nevermind anything else.

Still talk to her. You don't want to stop talking to her! Just don't ask questions that require too much of an answer.. actually, try keeping the questions at a very bare minimum if you can. And don't ask if she's okay! She knows she's not okay and she knows that you know she's not okay. In that mindset, when I was asked if I was okay all I could think of was "seriously...? You really can't care all that much to not notice that I'm not okay without having to ask..." It's really, really hard for those around "people like me". I don't envy you for one bit but just try and tread easily. Try and think really hard before you say something to her about how someone in her situation might take what you're saying. It could be completely innocent and trying to help but you have to be careful as she's probably hyper alert to any kind of criticism and condescension etc. If it can, in any way shape or form, be taken as being slightly bad.. don't say it. And things like asking if she's okay. Like I said, she knows that you know she's not okay and by asking, she could feel that you're criticizing her.. "hey, aren't you better by now? Get a grip of yourself!" That's how "are you okay?" sounded in my head when I was bad.

Just.. keep treating her like your daughter. Nothing more, nothing less

edit - do you go out a lot? As a family or just you and your daughter? I don't know if you remember but I told you before that talking therapy never worked for me, what made me feel better was actually getting outside and doing things. Try that. Have a look about where you live for places to go and things to do. It doesn't have to be expensive and it doesn't have to be for long, just get her out of the house regularly. She'll probably resent it, and you, because it's exhausting! But it will help. The longer I stay in the house, or leaving just to go to school/a friends house then coming home, the worse I felt.

edit again - I know you have other children (do I remember you mentioning a LO?). We have a small city zoo here. It really is tiny; you can walk around it in less than half an hour but it takes longer, and is more enjoyable, when you have a LO and my mum would take me there a lot with my nieces and nephews. Even when I was in an apartment of my own, she'd come round every day and we'd go out and just... do something.

 

[I Love Lucy]

I think modified said everything perfectly. Also, I've mentioned the getting out and having some time together as a family outside the home so I really hope you give that a try.

 

[FiNZ]

Thank you so so much for writing all of that, Modified. And thank you Brittany!

I do have a LO. I have 2 LOs. One is 2.5 yrs old, and one is 5 months old. I also have a 10 yr old. We're going out tomorrow to a nice waterfront suburb and getting frozen yogurt from this new place that is really nice! She's had friends with her the entire school holidays except for maybe one night so she's been pretty stable. I am definitely going to back off with my pointless conversation. She does think I criticise her a lot and that makes me sad. I don't mean to. I just worry that if she treats her friends the same way she treats me (i.e showing little to no interest in talking to me and being rude when she does), she will lose her friends and I told her that because I know how important to her her friends are. I explained to her that I wasn't saying it because I felt bad for ME, but because I worry for her that she will come across to her friends as rude.

Some of her attitude must be 'normal' for her age, and I think that when I combine it with her depression, it just seems so much worse to me and I find it hard not to over-analyse every little thing she says.

I have bought tickets for our whole family to go to a hypnotist show next Fri night!! It's meant to be really funny and the guy gets people up on stage and they do crazy things, so here's hoping she comes along happily. I bought an extra ticket because I anticipate her wanting one of her friends to come too. Defeats the purpose of a strictly family outing, but better than nothing!!!

She was just really rude to me again a few mins ago. She texts me at night (like she did last night, from her bedroom) to say sorry for being rude, but then the next day she is still the same.

I don't want to make this a 'poor me' thing, but I just feel like I am a totally shit mother. I can't even make my daughter happy.

 

[modified]

Finz, I didn't want to read and run but I don't have the energy for a full reply right now Sorry.. it's after 6am here and I'm exhausted but can't sleep.

I just wanted to say that this reeeeeeeally struck home to me:
"She was just really rude to me again a few mins ago. She texts me at night (like she did last night, from her bedroom) to say sorry for being rude, but then the next day she is still the same."

I done the same thing, but with a card and a letter. That's a good thing! It shows that she's aware of what she's doing which is great. It took me years to realise that.

And you're NOT a shit mother whatsoever. She just needs more than you, or anyone other than a pro, can give her right now.

 

[I Love Lucy]

FiNZ, you are not a shit mother!! I know when I started cutting myself when I was a teen I certainly wasn't thinking about my mom. But I know when she found out she blamed herself. That really frustrated me because it had nothing to do with her. I cut because I was angry with myself and the fact that I had no control over anything in my life (well it seemed that way). At least with the cutting I could kind of control the pain I was feeling. So don't think it's your fault, I think you're a fantastic mother.

Also, I wouldn't worry about your daughter being rude to her friends. In adolescence, I think it's common for teens to pull away from their parents and start to become closer to their friends. I know I would be rude to my parents but I was never rude with my friends. Maybe that's because I would care more about what they thought too, I don't know for sure.

Anyways, I hope the activities you have planned help your daughter. They sound fun!

 

[Groovychick]

You are not a S**T mother at all hun.

 

[CottlestonPie]

Hi. I came on here because I don't know what else to do. I'm 28 and was SHing from 11yrs old til I was 22/23.
I just relapsed.
I'm in bits. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I can't talk to anyone. Im married I have a son but I feel alone. I stopped taking antidepressants about 6 months ago but things aren't better. DH doesn't understand me anymore. He's started talking down to me since I stopped work to raise his son and now we argue all the time and tonight I snapped. It didn't feel good. Just necessary. I don't know what to do.

 

[FiNZ]

Hi. I came on here because I don't know what else to do. I'm 28 and was SHing from 11yrs old til I was 22/23.
I just relapsed.
I'm in bits. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I can't talk to anyone. Im married I have a son but I feel alone. I stopped taking antidepressants about 6 months ago but things aren't better. DH doesn't understand me anymore. He's started talking down to me since I stopped work to raise his son and now we argue all the time and tonight I snapped. It didn't feel good. Just necessary. I don't know what to do.

Hey, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I can't really offer any useful advice as I don't SH, but my daughter does. Is there any way you can take your antidepressants again? You said you can't talk to anyone, but are you able to talk to a GP or councillor? I'm sure it would be a good starting point. Sorry that I'm not much help. I hope you are OK. xxx

 

[FiNZ]

I was hoping to come on here today and tell you good news, because for 4 days we didn't have a single argument. I decided to change how I talk to her, and not 'growl' about things that pee me off. It really made a difference. Thanks for helping me to see that the way I communicate with her is important, especially when she is so sensitive.

We were ready to go the Katy Perry movie the other night, and then on facebook she found out that the bully girl and a group of her friends were going to the same cinema (different movie though, but it's a small cinema near where we live) so her entire mood changed and she refused to go. So none of us went in the end. She told me to just go with my other daughter, but I said that the whole point of it was to go with her as well. That just made her shitty and she said 'well you're obviously angry now so just go'. I wasn't angry at all, so I don't know why she said that.

The hypnotist show is tonight, but now she doesn't want to go, but she said she'll 'just come anyway'. Wow. So that was another failed attempt.

I blame her ex boyfriend for all this!!!!!! He has been away on holiday overseas and was facebook messaging her, telling her he wanted to hang out with her when he got back, and calling her 'baby' and putting kisses on his messages and stuff, and he got home and couldn't come over, even though he said the day before when he was still on holiday that he would. Naturally she was all excited and happy, and he was texting her and being all nice, and then yesterday, nothing. So her mood went from happy to crap just like that. And then the tears started again about school and how she wants to be home schooled and not have to see anyone ever again. I'm so worried sick. FUCK THIS. Sorry, but I'm just so sick and sad and she said the counsellor appt (this coming Monday) is the 'worst possible appointment time' as it's the first day back after school holidays and she's meant to be getting her new timetable and won't know what class to go to. So again I've messed things up for her.

But I'm used to that.

 

[modified]

"The hypnotist show is tonight, but now she doesn't want to go, but she said she'll 'just come anyway'. Wow. So that was another failed attempt."

Sounds like she does want to go, she doesn't want to admit it... I'd do that. My mum would plan things for us to do and I'd tell her I didn't want to go but "I'll come with you anyway" because I was worried that if I said I wanted to go somewhere or was looking forward to it, she'd take it as a sign that I was getting better and get false hope from that.

You haven't messed things up for her. My therapy used to fall on a Thursday morning when my favourite class was so I missed it every week but it's okay. She'll have a bit of a panic but, once she's got her timetable, it won't be such a worry

 

[FiNZ]

"The hypnotist show is tonight, but now she doesn't want to go, but she said she'll 'just come anyway'. Wow. So that was another failed attempt."

Sounds like she does want to go, she doesn't want to admit it... I'd do that. My mum would plan things for us to do and I'd tell her I didn't want to go but "I'll come with you anyway" because I was worried that if I said I wanted to go somewhere or was looking forward to it, she'd take it as a sign that I was getting better and get false hope from that.

You haven't messed things up for her. My therapy used to fall on a Thursday morning when my favourite class was so I missed it every week but it's okay. She'll have a bit of a panic but, once she's got her timetable, it won't be such a worry

Hey again! Thank you! She did come with us to the show, and she ended up loving it and had a great time. It was so so funny! Afterwards her friends came over and watched DVDs and then stayed the night. The next day, maybe because she was so tired, she got really down about school starting again and asked me about home schooling her again. She said 'I just want to quit school for a month, and delete my facebook and tumblr and turn my phone off and let people think I'm dead, and then go back after a month so they're nice to me'. Should I be worried, or is that just her way of saying that she wants attention or for people to treat her better at school?

She has acknowledged that whenever her ex is friendly to her and talking to her or texting her, she is happy, and as soon as he ignores her text or isn't friendly, her whole world crumbles. I really hope that her broken heart heals soon. I hate that he talks to her when it suits him, and he replies when it suits him, but ignores her if he feels like it. Maybe teenage boys are just as hormonal as girls? It's exhausting.

How are you girls doing? xxxx

 

[FiNZ]

She's not at school today. I've been talking to her and asked to see her arms. There are more cuts. She also said she wants to try weed and alcohol because 'everyone else is doing it'.

I have lost control and what I think means nothing and I am a huge big failure. She obviously doesn't care about herself anymore.

She's only 13 for f*ck's sake.

I feel like running away. She doesn't want or need me.

 

[modified]

"She also said she wants to try weed and alcohol because 'everyone else is doing it'."

It seems like she's screaming out for a reaction from you, good or bad. As they say, attention is attention whether it's good or bad. You could be giving her your all but she feels like she's getting nothing. It's a tough one

 

[MommaAlexis]

This could really escalate badly.. I think reaching out again and letting them know it's gotten worse might be your best option.

 

[I Love Lucy]

So sorry I haven't been in here very much FiNZ. We just had a death in the family and then I just found out I'm pregnant. But anyways, first off I want to send a lot of your way!! What your going through has to be incredibly difficult.

The wanting to try weed and alcohol definitely sounds like an attention thing. I know I behaved similarly because I wanted to have my friends attention and for them to think I was cool.

You said your daughter wants to be homeschooled, is that something you could possibly do? It seems like a lot of her problems stem from stuff that is happening at school and getting away from it might be something that could really help her.

Has she been to a counseling session yet? How did that go if she has been?

Again, sending lots of to you. It's a very scary thing your daughter is going through and sometimes it's hard knowing what the right way to handle it is because everyone is different.