Sensitive kids group

[DaisyBee]

Is your child sensitive? Are they irritated by the tags on their clothes or have trouble sleeping after a busy day? Sensitive kids are more in tune with everything around them and they tend to get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily because they take in so much. Having a sensitive child has changed my life. I see things in a whole new way, because my kids do. Being a mom of a highly sensitive child is sometimes a challenge. I have to change how I parent because of how my kids are.


This thread is for those of us with sensitive kids. I think it would be helpful to bounce ideas off each other and talk about the daily struggles of sensitive children. This group is for support and to ask and answer any questions about sensitive kids.

Elaine N. Aron, Phd has written a book about sensitive kids. She also has a quiz you can take to see if your child is highly sensitive.

https://www.hsperson.com/pages/test_child.htm

 

[polaris]

Great idea Daisybee! You can count me in.

Just a thought, would it be worth putting a bit of an introduction and maybe a link to the website and questionnaire that Omarsmum recommended into the first post, just so that new people who are joining us can get more of an idea of what the group is about. I think most of us toddler mums with sensitive children already know one another pretty well and have a good idea what we mean by sensitive, but I'm sure that there are lots of people in baby club who are only just discovering that they have sensitive children and everything that entails.

 

[DaisyBee]

Megan is having a "rest" time which entails her being in bed saying every 3 minutes that she wants to get up or wake up. She hasn't been in there very long, and she has some books and a doll to keep her occupied. Im actually wondering if the forced boredom is good for her. She needs more down time in her day I think.

 

[Zou]

Hi it's hard to say really with the quiz as Ol is only 13 months but he is certainly sensitive to noise and gets easily overwhelmed. He scares very easily. Had another episode today where we were having lunch out and he was doing fine then a little boy about 3 years old ran over to him and shouted 'hello' to Ol and he had a complete meltdown. It took at least ten minutes to console him and needless to say he wouldn't eat anything else. One of the biggest struggles I'm having at the moment is with OH who seems to take the attitude LO is a wuss and needs to 'man up'

 

[polaris]

Is she still napping during the day? I am so pleased that Thomas has gone back to napping after his disastrous recent attempt to drop the nap. Sometimes it takes him over an hour to fall asleep but he definitely needs the nap and I think the time alone with not too much stimulation does him no harm either.

One thing I found with Thomas when he wasn't napping is that he was much better at entertaining himself at naptime with only one toy than when I sent him up with a few toys and books. With just one toy he would just make up little stories and chat and sing to himself for hours, whereas with a few toys/books he would quickly look through them all and then tell me he was "finished" and want to come downstairs.

But for us, no nap just wasn't working. He wasn't ready to go all day without sleep. And actually he is going to sleep earlier in the evenings now than he has been for the last few months (maybe because of the clocks going back) - he is now usually asleep by 8 p.m. and sleeps until 7.30 or 8 in the morning. I do my best to have him back in his room for naptime by 12.45 p.m. and I get him up at 3 p.m. or 3.30 p.m. at the latest if he won't wake up at 3. Sometimes he sleeps for the full two hours but usually about an hour to an hour and a half.

 

[polaris]

Hi it's hard to say really with the quiz as Ol is only 13 months but he is certainly sensitive to noise and gets easily overwhelmed. He scares very easily. Had another episode today where we were having lunch out and he was doing fine then a little boy about 3 years old ran over to him and shouted 'hello' to Ol and he had a complete meltdown. It took at least ten minutes to console him and needless to say he wouldn't eat anything else. One of the biggest struggles I'm having at the moment is with OH who seems to take the attitude LO is a wuss and needs to 'man up'

Oh dear! Remind your OH that your child is only 13 months old and certainly doesn't need labeling in that way. It might help to have a chat with him and see if you can figure out why he thinks that way. I know my OH worries a lot about bullying and wants Thomas to be able to "stand up for himself". Your OH may have similar worries? I can see where my OH is coming from even if I don't always agree with his approach. Sensitivity is not really "valued" in this culture especially for men and I do worry about Thomas fitting in with other boys - but I know that he'll have to find his own way through that in a way that fits with his personality.

Hyper-sensitivity to noise is probably something that your LO will grow out of to a certain extent as he develops better sensory integration, he might still be sensitive to noises but he will be able to handle them much better. But as he gets older you may find that he has other traits of sensitivity too.

It's not a bad thing, it's an amazing personality trait in so many ways. I wouldn't change Thomas for the world. But it does bring its challenges.

 

[DaisyBee]

I wrote a whole long thing and then lost it

We are trying to see if she can handle no nap. She doesn't fight nap at all, but it seems like any nap at all anymore and she can't fall asleep at night. So it's a 2 week trial to see if she can start sleeping better at night. Last night she slept 8-8:30 this morning. Yesterday afternoon she was so tired she did fall asleep, but I didnt let her sleep long. If she would be willing to fall asleep before 11-12 at night I would be trying my hardest to keep the nap as I think it's helpful for her. I don't think a night or 2 is going to show us if she is ready so no matter what I need to stick to it for a bit and see once she gets used to this new idea what happens.

Zou- it sounds like your lo is sensitive to me. And yes I think the quiz is easier to know with older kids. And there are some on there that don't fit Megan and yet I would say she is very highly sensitive.

 

[DaisyBee]

Megan is very sensitive with sounds. She still flips out at certain noises. It is easier to talk to her about noises though now, but it's still something we struggle with. She can now handle a loud party for instance but not a smoke detector. Also we have found it depends on her mood as sometimes she has difficulty with something and another time she is ok.

I've found having her hold the hand mixer has helped with that one. Pushing buttons on the blender herself. I've had her help push the vacuum ( that is NOT very easy btw, lol).

 

[DaisyBee]

Polaris - that is amazing that he will nap that late and still go to bed by 8!

I eventually let her get off her bed and she just played quietly in her room. That worked better as she didn't feel stuck in bed. She is having trouble just with the idea of no nap as it's a change of course. Even if it's something that if she thought about it she would actually like, but she just thinks oh this is different I don't like it.

 

[DaisyBee]

Anyone who has read the Highly sensitive Child book - what did you think? I still haven't finished it. I was thinking of starting it again tonight.

 

[polaris]

Polaris - that is amazing that he will nap that late and still go to bed by 8!

I eventually let her get off her bed and she just played quietly in her room. That worked better as she didn't feel stuck in bed. She is having trouble just with the idea of no nap as it's a change of course. Even if it's something that if she thought about it she would actually like, but she just thinks oh this is different I don't like it.

Going to sleep by 8 is quite new as he had been staying awake until 9 most nights for about the past six months. And actually I used to get him up from his nap by 2.30 p.m. to try to get him to go to sleep earlier in the evenings. But now he is napping later and going to bed earlier, which doesn't really make sense, but there you go! Thomas has always really needed his sleep though and he does best when he is getting lots of sleep. That's why I was surprised when he was showing signs of wanting to drop the nap, because he has always been later than average to drop naps.

Hopefully Megan will adjust well and it will help with her night time sleeping. That was the main reason I knew that Thomas wasn't ready to drop the nap, because his night time sleeping was worse rather than better without the nap and it was getting progressively worse rather than better over the week that he didn't nap. We only made it through one week though and it was clear at that stage that it wasn't working.

 

[polaris]

Anyone who has read the Highly sensitive Child book - what did you think? I still haven't finished it. I was thinking of starting it again tonight.

I really enjoyed it because it was the first thing that I had read about sensitivity and because I could just see Thomas so clearly in the descriptions in the book. I must have another look at it actually because I forget most of it now.

 

[cutie4evr01]

Thanks for starting this thread - I will likely be dropping by here from time to time to see your tips and possibly ask for advice. My Christina is sensitive, and I have appreciated reading the other threads you all have posted in the toddler section.

I have not read the book, but I would like to! Is this it? https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overwhelms/dp/0767908724

My first question: How do you handle behavior management? What type of discipline (if any) do you use? I'm wondering if I maybe have coddled my DD a little much because I know she is so sensitive and needs more assurance and I try to respect her emotions. When she was younger, the slightest sharpening of my tone of voice would make her upset, and she's generally a pretty well-behaved kid, so she didn't do anything wrong very often. As she's getting older, I am struggling with how to discipline. The times we have sent her to her room for a time out (for example, she pushed baby sister and refused to say sorry) were disastrous. Originally she'd be upset or crying over being in trouble, but rather than calming down by staying in there for 2 minutes, she had gotten herself so worked up that it took ages for us to calm her back down. Now she is reaching the age where she is becoming intentionally defiant and pushing boundaries, and I'm finding it difficult to discipline while respecting her extreme emotions that come along with sensitivity.

 

[DaisyBee]

Hi cutie, glad you found this! Im hoping you will share what you have learned along the way as well.... As all of us are in the same boat!

That is the book. Ive started reading it, but put it down to read simplicity parenting. I loved the beginning of the Highly Sensitive Child but then I was getting frustrated as I was hoping for things that I could really use out of it to help me with Megan. So I wasnt sure if it was the books fault or my mindset that weekend so I decided to stop and start again when in a better place. And I think tonight I'm going to start it again.

I've bought multiple books, and some of them are about discipline and getting your kids to listen ( but for kids more like megan ) It's something that we have struggled with. Megan is very sensitive but she is also very feisty and stubborn and intense. It's making it very hard to figure out how to go about things as they are very opposite things. And yet she is all those things. I think it's one reason we struggle so much with her and why she has such struggles herself.

What I have been doing is first deciding whether what she is doing is being overstimulated/ something to do with her sensitivity or if it's her being actually naughty on purpose. I don't do timeout in her room as I have wanted her room to be somewhere I can have her calm down and not see as a punishment place. I've been putting her near the stairs ( we still have the baby gate up) and she sits there for 2 minutes. She is upset during it, but I've found that it really helps her that I've started setting a timer for her 2 minutes. Then she isn't taking it so personally i think. As soon as that beep comes then I go right to her and we talk about what happened. She isn't in timeout very often - she has gone months without it sometimes and sometimes once or 2ce a month? She She really usually only needs a warning or a warning of timeout. I also tell her the reasons why we shouldn't do whatever she is doing, and often once she understands the reason she will stop. I think that has prevented timeouts as then she understands and then doesn't need a consequence. If she isn't listening about a toy and continues to do whatever I've asked her not to with it ( like swinging something around jordans head) I will tell her that if she wants to keep playing with it she has to go play with it in her room. So she can then swing it, but Jordan avoids being hurt. Or if it's something she really shouldn't do and I give her a reason of why we don't do that and then a warning, I will take the toy away. That upsets her more than timeout usually.

If she is melting down from overstimulation I've been having her go in her room ( quite often I have to carry her in there or hold her hand and guide her there) sit in her chair, I cover her with her weighted blanket and I give her one of her sensory chewy toys and 2 books. I tell her that once she has calmed down she can come find me. I've found that me holding her when she is melting down it makes it worse. She needs to be alone. If I hold her or try to talk to her when she is being that way it becomes a huge struggle and she then starts tantruming or melting down worse. She has been calming down quickly when we do that and then we cuddle and sometimes get something to eat or find something fun to start.
If she is upset and crying over us trying to start something without giving her enough warning then I stop whatever I'm doing and get down on the floor and talk to her very "lightly"... Like "oh show me that toy you have, what are you doing with it? It distracts her from being upset about whatever we wanted her to do, ( like eat dinner). Once she has stopped crying and talking about the toy or whatever I diverted her attention to... Then I slip in something about dinner that I think she likes. So I'll say oh guess what we are having at dinner.... I made carrots! Are you feeling hungry? And then she is willing to come eat. I do the same about leaving the house, starting bedtime routine, anything really.

We have more issue with her being mad and wanting to scream when in trouble vs her crying as she is so sad about being told she did something wrong. Her feisty side comes out then. But we feel like if we are over the top then it affects her sensitive side. It's a balancing act. Disciplining her intense feisty side but protecting her sensitive side.

I'm hoping these books I've gotten will have some good ideas as well.

Polaris - the whole first part of the book i felt like I could insert megans name vs the hsc that she uses. I had been reading all of those sensory processing disorder books and I kept thinking these don't seem like Megan. So it makes me think that she doesn't have spd, just a hard time dealing with her sensitivity. It is nice finding a book that seems to understand her.

Megan dropped her 2nd nap at 13 months. Jordan is already on 2 naps starting at 6 months I'm actually hoping this works for Megan as going to sleep at midnight isn't working for us. That's way after dh and I want to be in bed ourselves. And lately if she can't sleep in the evening she has started wanting me to lay with her and sing to her and I've been doing this thing where I say "your feet are so sleepy, they want to sleep, your legs are so tired and relaxed, etc etc" She loves that and it works for her once in a while. But then I don't have an evening at all if I'm in with her. And with naps, Jordan now has morning nap and mid afternoon nap and megans was right in between the 2. So they weren't napping at the same time and then me spending all evening in with Megan or keep going in there reminding her it's bedtime, to stop looking outside, etc, means I have ZERO time with no kids. I need a break and trying to figure out how I can get one. Last night she fell asleep around 8 - after having that very short afternoon nap and slept until 8:30 this morning ( she woke around 2 ( I think from hearing me up with Jordan) and was upset and wanted me to sleep with her so I layed with her and she fell back asleep. I fell asleep as well for a bit but then went to my bed. No nap today, just the resting and she was fast asleep by 6:45 tonight. couldnt believe it!

 

[polaris]

Hey cutie, great to see you here! I think I am quite lucky with Thomas in that he doesn't really need much discipline. He is naturally cautious and he also likes rules and he believes that everyone should follow the rules. He is similar to Christina in that even a mild reprimand tends to have a big impact on him emotionally. I don't use time out or punishments at all with him really. The only thing I do is take him out of the situation to calm down and natural consequences where appropriate. What I find works well with him is explaining in advance in detail exactly what he will have to do and why. So for example not playing with sticks around Clara because it's too dangerous, which was an issue for us, I just talked about it with him and explained where/when he could play with sticks and where/when he couldn't, and he tends to just comply. He isn't aggressive and has never actually hit out in anger. We do have temper tantrums and meltdowns but I don't really see them as bad behaviour because it is usually either frustration because we can't understand what he's saying or similar. He used to have a lot of meltdowns about transitioning from one activity to another but we got a five minute egg timer which has really helped with that. We don't even use the timer all the time but it just helped him to understand the concept of five minutes and now as long as we remember to give him a five minute warning he is usually fine with moving from one thing to another, e.g. getting out of bath or coming in to dinner.

The one issue that I'm struggling with at the moment is that he is extremely clingy to me at present (probably a lot to do with new baby) and he doesn't want OH to do anything for him. He will be in hysterical tears because OH is putting on his shoes when he wanted me to do it. Sometimes several times a day. I'm not really sure how best to cope with this - I think he is genuinely upset rather than playing up - but at the same time I don't want him to dictate who puts his shoes on etc. Besides which, I need OH to be able to help rather than me having to do everything. The only thing that works a bit is, again, telling him in advance what will happen, e.g. "when we get home, daddy is going to help you take your coat off and get you your lunch", or "I'm bringing you up to bed tonight and daddy will be bringing you up to bed tomorrow night". But it's an ongoing problem for us at the moment.

Daisybee - it does sound like no nap might well work for Megan. I really hope so because it doesn't sound like it has been working well for any of you with the nap. The difference with Thomas was that he didn't seem to be able to consolidate his night time sleep when he dropped the nap, so he was actually sleeping less at night and waking more during the night, rather than sleeping more at night, which he would need to do to manage without the nap. It sounds like Megan is sleeping longer at night so hopefully the adjustment period won't last too long and she'll be able to manage without the nap. Thomas is just so sensitive to over-tiredness (as I know Megan is as well) and he really needs his sleep. He was much later to drop his other naps than Megan - he didn't drop his late afternoon nap until about nine or ten months and he stayed on two naps until about 16 or 17 months as far as I recall. I know I tried to drop him down to one nap at 14 months and he was totally unable to cope. He has always really struggled with nap transitions even when ready to drop the nap, but at least if the child is actually ready to drop the nap they will get through the transition after a couple of tough weeks, whereas with Thomas his overall sleep was totally deteriorating on both occasions (recently and also at 14 months) when trying to drop the nap before he was ready.

 

[DaisyBee]

Megan slept great last night. Asleep by 6:45 and woke 2 times during the night but she didn't need me and she fell asleep pretty quickly both times. She didn't wake for the day until almost 9am!!! Insane! Haha but today dh was home and we had a very busy day and dh decided that instead of a rest time that the 2 of them should go outside and put up Xmas lights. he would not listen. And mil was coming tonight so dh and I could go out which rarely happens so it's a big deal for us. Megan was ready for bed so early and so overtired by the time she got there at 6pm. She fell asleep right away but when we were gone Jordan woke and mil had lights on and it woke Jordan up even more vs her going back to sleep quickly. So she was getting worked up and then Megan woke. Now 2 hrs later Megan is still awake. Mil had Jordan in the living room with lights on, megans door open as well, haha. My kids won't sleep if they see any lights. It has to be pitch black or they won't sleep. And mil was just distracting and waking Jordan up by doing all sorts of things. Made me realize how much I've learned about sensitive kids.

Megans needing discipline only when she is doing something on purpose and not listening to warnings. She will get in a mood where she is purposefully pushing boundaries. She knows she isn't supposed to do it, and yet she does on purpose. She isn't aggressive at all... The total opposite really. I'm trying to think of an example of something she has done that we've done timeout for but I'm drawing a blank... It's too late. Lol I'll think over that and get back to you.

I am hoping Megan handles no nap. I am worried about how she will handle it when we have busy days. Or like preschool next year... Maybe she will be able to nap those days and be able to fall asleep at night? We will see how I goes.

Oh and Megan is much clingier and I think it's all due to Jordan. She does well with Jordan and doesn't act really jealous or upset, but if Jordan is getting any attention she wants some too or she wants us to only bounce her, not Jordan. So I guess that is jealousy in a way. She is ok with me or dh though, she just wants LOTS of attention all day lately. My mil has offered to take her on Monday and of course I said YES! Will do both of us lots of good. She is going to take her shopping and "wear her out" lol no matter how many times I explain her being sensitive and that wearing her out will equal less sleep she doesn't listen.

 

[polaris]

Daisybee, I really feel your pain with MIL trying to get Jordan back to sleep and making things a thousand times worse! I feel like a total control freak whenever I'm leaving anyone babysitting because I have a whole list of instructions about what will and will not work! I'm sure people are thinking, "what the hell is she like, I have brought up children myself you know". But it is different with sensitive children.

I'm not sure yet if Clara will be sensitive too. She is a completely different baby to Thomas so I wouldn't be surprised if her temperament is different, but we will see in time. I do think she is not as sensitive as Thomas because she is not so bothered by things like sunlight and wind and loud noises.

 

[cutie4evr01]

Thanks for all your advice! I have tried doing time out in the same room, or even on the bottom step of our staircase, but it was disastrous also, because she won't stay there. In my limited knowledge of supernanny I know you are supposed to keep putting them back over and over until they eventually get it, but I tried that once for 45 minutes before finally giving in because by that time DD2 needed held/fed/etc. Thankfully she doesn't act up much and we only need a time out a few times a month. We head off a lot of issues by explaining our reasoning, as you said, and also now the warnings work a lot (probably because we have followed through before).

Sorry to hear about your MIL. People really don't understand, and think that all babies will be like their kids were. My MIL used to make me so angry when Christina was little because she wouldn't respect her naptimes at all! Thankfully they don't live here, so we only see them a few times a year, but Christina was always so grouchy when we were there because she was so thrown off her schedule, and then it would take us days to get her back on track after we got home. Now that she's older, she's a little more flexible, so it's not as bad. Hope you and DH had a nice night out, anyway!

I don't think my DD2, Caitlyn, is sensitive. She is much more laid back, she's always been fine with missing a nap or pushing it a little later, and when she has a tantrum, it only lasts a few seconds before I can easily distract her with something else (as opposed to the ages it takes Christina to calm down from anything). She gets upset when she's tired or hungry, and she does get a little overwhelmed sometimes in large crowds or loud places, but I think those are just normal toddler things - she certainly doesn't seem nearly as extreme as Christina was/is. She also manages fine now on one nap, whereas Christina kept her second nap until 18 months.

Christina is clingy too, but always has been. She always wants me to do everything (get her dressed, brush her teeth, serve her dinner, give her bath, put her to bed, etc. etc. etc.). She also always wants me to pick her up, especially when she's tired/overwhelmed. I really feel bad for my DH because he tries to help but she just throws a fit - she's often heard saying "me no like Daddy", although she will happily say she loves him. I know it hurts his feelings, and she adores playing with him when she's well-rested, but the majority of the time it's mommy only. I thought she was improving after Caitlyn was born, because I was feeding often so Daddy had to do more and she seemed ok with it, but in the past few months her mommy preference has really picked back up.

Unfortunately Caitlyn too is becoming quite clingy to me, saying "no no no" when Daddy tries to pick her up or take her from me. I'm wondering if she's acting like that because she sees Christina doing it. Also, I only stopped nursing her a few weeks ago, so I'm wondering if she's a little clingy due to that. Either way, I am exhausted because they both want to be held and they both want me to do everything, so although my DH is willing to help, if he does we have a house of screaming. We are struggling with whether we should give in to keep them happy, or force them to allow Daddy to do things so they see it's not so bad. Currently we do some of both, depending on the circumstance (i.e. Daddy helps get dressed or gives her breakfast even if she doesn't want it, but we try to keep bedtime peaceful, which means I usually put them both to bed).

 

[DaisyBee]

We've realized Jordan is less sensitive than megan is. She doesn't startle like Megan did. She is fine with loud noises. She is more adaptable. She doesn't like wind. And gets overstimulated at times, but not as much as Megan did/does. She won't drink more than a few oz unless in a dark room with Megan not in the room. Which is SOO hard on Megan. I try so hard to balance the 2 with that... Having Jordan eating and yet Megan not feel like I'm pushing her out. Jordan won't sleep unless in a dark room. She has though just recently feel asleep in the car a few times for a 10 minute nap. So that is an improvement. We think she is very sensitive to smells. We can't cook anything without her being upset if she isn't eating as she smells the food. Anything she puts in her mouth she smells first. Lol So maybe megan is sensitive more to sounds and Jordan to smells?

I am loving this thread so far.... As someone actually understands how hard it is to have people not understand about sleep schedules and routines and how it all affects our daily life so much. Does it frustrate you guys sometimes? Like how nice it would be just to be able to go with the flow and not have to worry about everything?

 

[polaris]

I definitely found it frustrating when Thomas was younger because it was soo much work to make sure he got his naps and to prevent over-tiredness. Especially when he was still napping three times a day and wouldn't nap except in his cot. We always had to leave early from play-dates etc. when all the other babies were just happily lying on their playmat or whatever and their mums were saying "oh yes she would usually have a nap about now but she'll just nap later it's no problem". Whereas I knew that if I didn't leave RIGHT NOW with Thomas he would be hysterically in ten minutes time. Or holidays when it would have been lovely to keep him up a bit later in the evenings, which we did occasionally but paid the price in disturbed sleep and terrible mood and irritability the next day. Now that he's older I think I have just got used to accommodating his schedule and it doesn't bother me so much. He's also more flexible now that he's older so it doesn't interfere with things so much. However, I still would never organize anything to coincide with his naptime - a group of mums and toddlers from his swimming class are all meeting up in a couple of weeks but they are planning to meet at 12.30 p.m. and I'm just not going to go, I don't think it would be worth it after all the work I've put in on getting him back napping again.

I do hope that Clara will be a bit more flexible but actually I think I would probably find it really hard to go with the flow if it meant her missing naps after my experiences with Thomas, I am just so respectful of children's need for sleep now! I hope she will be able to sleep outside of her cot though so we are not stuck at home so much.