paigeypoo
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- Feb 9, 2012
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September, wake me up when September ends. My emotions get so confused. It has been almost 2 years since losing baby Jack. I have been so blessed to welcome our son Dray this past October, it has kept me busy and most likely has saved me a lot of anxiety and depression over Jack. There are days I look at Dray and I wonder if jack would have had the same color eyes as Dray. Or if he would have been as good of a baby as his little brother Dray has been. I wonder what it would have been like to love him as a being here instead of an angel somewhere else. 
I have moments when I let myself cry and feel pain over losing my son. Its incredibly hard at times when faced with the age old question 'how many kids do you have?' and I reply 'three' It still hurts me every time but it saves me having to explain it and some people just don't need to know the struggle. I'm happy at times and sad and helpless too. I have come to accept these feelings to stay with me. There's this bike path I used to often walk and now every time I do I think back to when it was me and Jack, though he was small I could feel him growing inside of me, his life was there beyond any doubt and so I try to remember what I was doing that day to bring me back to him. I walk across that bridge sometimes and look up at the sky like I did with him and I talk to him, I tell him I love him, and that I will be strong because one day I will be with him again and I will hug him tight and it will be like he never left. I kiss my Son Dray and kiss him twice, one for Jack. Can he feel it, no; but in my heart I am feeling him there with me. there is not one single day I haven't thought of him and this year On that day September 25th I will celebrate his tiny foot prints in my heart and I will buy some blue roses for my shelf where his Urn sits. I'll light some Candles and do my best not to fall apart. I am so sorry for all your losses, my heart is sad, please know you are not alone. We are all the face of infant loss 
I have moments when I let myself cry and feel pain over losing my son. Its incredibly hard at times when faced with the age old question 'how many kids do you have?' and I reply 'three' It still hurts me every time but it saves me having to explain it and some people just don't need to know the struggle. I'm happy at times and sad and helpless too. I have come to accept these feelings to stay with me. There's this bike path I used to often walk and now every time I do I think back to when it was me and Jack, though he was small I could feel him growing inside of me, his life was there beyond any doubt and so I try to remember what I was doing that day to bring me back to him. I walk across that bridge sometimes and look up at the sky like I did with him and I talk to him, I tell him I love him, and that I will be strong because one day I will be with him again and I will hug him tight and it will be like he never left. I kiss my Son Dray and kiss him twice, one for Jack. Can he feel it, no; but in my heart I am feeling him there with me. there is not one single day I haven't thought of him and this year On that day September 25th I will celebrate his tiny foot prints in my heart and I will buy some blue roses for my shelf where his Urn sits. I'll light some Candles and do my best not to fall apart. I am so sorry for all your losses, my heart is sad, please know you are not alone. We are all the face of infant loss 
thinking of you
xx
