Sharing a room?

[you&me]

Hi :wave:

My 5 year old daughter stays with her Dad every other weekend, he currently has his own place so she has her own bedroom.

However, within the next month he will be slowly moving into his girlfriends, she has 2 children, a girl aged 8 and a boy also aged 5....currently my daughter doesn't see the girlfriend or her children a huge amount due to her working shifts I guess.

My concern is...my ex has 'informed' me that my daughter will be sharing a room with his girlfriends son ...I have attempted to sit and talk to him about this, and told him I am not happy about it, nor comfortable with it, and asked if there is any reason as to why she cannot share with the 8 year old girl...his answer 'the girl will be going through puberty soon, so it's not fair on her to share a room'...puberty at 8?...seriously?

He also told me that it has nothing to do with me who she shares a room with...I disagree...I think he needs to make suitable and adequate provisions for her when he has contact...I wouldn't be too comfortable with blood siblings of different genders sharing a room after a certain age...am I wrong in feeling like this?...what can I do or say to him about it?

 

[cooper2010]

I would be concerned...but I am a control freak! Is there any guidlines for this sort of thing? I ask because I have an adopted brother and once he had turned 5 he was not to share a room with one of us girls because we were also over 5. That was years ago. I am wondering if there is a similar guide now.

 

[you&me]

I know guidelines for our own house, as we are council are:
Children of different genders are to each have a room of their own.
Children of the same gender with more than a 5 year age gap are also to have a room of their own.

I just don't feel comfortable with it...I know all children go through an age of exploring 'things'...I don't know what age that is?...and what if something happened to her, on purpose or not? I would never forgive her Dad for putting her in that position

 

[seoj]

That's a tough one hun... it's SO hard to know you can't control all that goes on with your child when they are not in your care. It would be ideal if both parents were on the same page for sure... but that's a rarity. I know! We have my step-daughter full time and she see's her mom 2 times a month (weekends only)- and it's very difficult at times knowing she encourages her to do things we wouldn't etc... whole other story though!

Personally, I do think 5yrs old is very young for anything to happen out of "curiosity"- but kids can go through puberty at different ages (boys typically later than girls though)-- so chances are, all would be just fine. I do see your point though- and in the years to come, it would make more sense for the girls to share a space.

Maybe just talk, again, with your ex to see if there is anything they can do? As she only stays there part time, not sure why it matters the 8yr old girl might go through puberty soon? I know they start early on... but she'd be sharing space with another girl, so I guess I don't see the issue? I would express all your concerns and verbalize what you would like... it may not solve anything, but it can't hurt to try. Just keep the convo focused on what you feel is best for your daughter, period. If that doesn't work- then at least make sure your daughter understands she can always come to you if she is ever in a situation where she is uncomfortable. No matter what or by whom.

Sorry I can't give some marvelous advise... but I do understand and wish you all the best of luck!!!

 

[you&me]

Thank you so much for your reply Seoj

We normally work on the same page, I have told him it's not a matter of me just trying to be awkward, and that my main concern is Reagan, nothing more, nothing less.

I think I will wait until the situation arises, or it is bought up in conversation again then re-approach it...and see what happens from there...she stays with him one weekend saturday night, then a fortnight later friday and saturday night, so that is only 3 night's a month.

 

[maybebaby3]

i would also prefer her to share with the girl. i mean there's probably no problem now they are 5 but what about when they are 10....13....15....17?

 

[Lyndz]

Hmmm i wouldn't be confortable with this either. We have DSS (8) nearly every weekend and at the moment we only have a 2 bed house, no way on this earth would i put them in the same room and they're half brother/sister. I am very of the opinion that if you have one of each sex they should be in separate rooms.

I would approach the subject again when it arises and state that you're not happy, the girl is 8 and whilst she might be goig through puberty soon, what the hell does that have to do with it?!

 

[emmylou92]

I wouldn't be be happy with that, though my half brother and sister (full brother and sister to eachother edgar is 5 and corrina 4) have always been in the same room dad and his oh co slept with both of them all in he same bed then they moved into cots and slept next to each other. now they share a bedroom as one will not sleep with out the other. though as they get older i guess they will want their own space. Your DD barly knows this 5yr old from adam..its abit strange for him to want to to that.
if she isnt with your ex that offten could she not have a ready bed in the other girls room that blows up everytime she goes so the other girl isnt having all her space taken all the time. Thats what we do here.

 

[5-a-side]

I think is sharing rooms need to happen its the girls that need to be sharing.
We have dd1 (10) dsd (9) and dd2 (5) in one room and dss (9) in his own. I wouldn't mix the genders at ages over 5 really (imo)
If girls share they are more likely to bond over the same things, want to decorate or have the same type of toys.

Speak to your ex again about how you feel, how does your dd feel about it?

 

[you&me]

Thank you for your replies

Reagan hasn't mentioned a huge deal about it in all honesty, I think because she doesn't see the girlfriend and her children a huge amount she doesn't really understand what is going to happen.

I spoke to my mum about it, and have come to the conclusion that I am going to see where I stand on it legally before I approach him again, and if need be and he isn't willing to change the bedroom arrangements then I will chance contact to daily visits only and leave the overnights...if he is unable to change the situation for just 3 night's a week, and is willing to take the chance on something going wrong/happening then that is a decision he is going to live with.

She has always seen her Dad, we split when she was 9 months after being together for 10 years, and I would never stop her seeing him, but this is one thing I feel strongly about and that I need to make a stand about for her...I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person.

 

[TwilightAgain]

I agree with you. Boys and girls should be kept separate. It would be best if your daughter shared with his daughter. One of my friends shared with her sister, she was 15 and her sister was 11, but they started out when they were 8 and 12 better to be with a girl hitting puberty than a lad.

 

[5-a-side]

Certainly doesnt make you a horrible person by looking out for your dd's interests and your ex should be aware of why you think this way.
Please update us if you find anything out it will be good to know.

 

[you&me]

I have still to look into the legal side of things...she is going on holiday with him next monday for 5 days...and you got it, she tells me she is going to be sharing a bedroom with the boy on holiday too

I am going to use that time she is away next week, so as little ears don't overhear...and make some phonecalls and see where I stand on it all.