Should I email her?

[PugLuvAh]

You ladies gave me some great advice before about my LTTC friend, so I thought I would ask your opinion.

A bit of a background: I have 2 LTTC friends (they do not know each other). We bonded since we were the only ones having troubles conceiving and all our friends had babies. They have both been trying 2+ years with no luck (they are now on clomid). I was trying for a year before I got pregnant, and had a miscarriage. I luckily got pregnant again right away and am almost 25 weeks along.

I struggled on how to tell these friends I was pregnant (I waited 16 weeks before I did). I remember hating being blindsided by an announcement, and feeling sad/jealous/lonely not being pregnant. On the advice of this forum, I emailed them both. One friend took a couple of weeks to herself, then called me. The other friend sent me a one-word "congrats" and I haven't really heard from her since. She cancelled the dinner we were suppose to have, and has avoided places she knows I will be. Up until now I have just been giving her some space and will send the occasional email or text just to say hi.

I totally get her avoiding me, I did that too with the preggos, thats not what I am worried about. I just don't want her to think that because I am pregnant I have forgotten about her. I still want to know how she's doing, how her fertility treatments are, etc. I can understand if she doesn't want to share that with me right now, but I don't want her to think I am so preoccupied with myself and the pregnancy that I don't care about her or her struggles anymore. Whenever we do email, we never talk about her fertility issues and she has never again brought up my pregnancy, so I think she completely wants to avoid it with me. But since I have never actually brought it up, I really don"t know.

I kind of want to email her to say I miss her and wonder how everything is going with her trying, and if she ever wants to talk I would love to see her, but if she needs some space from me than I completely understand. Do you think I should email her, or should I keep giving her space? What would you want? Even though its completely sincere, would it just piss you right off? I don't want to lose a friend over this

Thanks so much for the advice xxoo

 

[Princess Lou]

I would e-mail her telling her how you feel and that you miss her.

She may also be missing you but not sure how to approach you now.

If she still wants her space, she will continue to avoid the topics, all you can do is try.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. X

 

[readyformore]

You sound very sincere.
I would e-mail her what you just said.

She might not be interested in talking to you though. It won't be your fault, but circumstances will have forced it.

Good luck.

 

[cooch]

That's a lovely post you have written. I think email her with a similar tone . Unless she is in a particularly dark space- very possible- she may be responsive to your email. Afterall its not like you fell pregnant easily or quickly so you do know exactly how she feels. I'm wondering if I have previously read a thread by your friend not knowing how to deal with your pregnancy. Anyway, we all know how tough it is. You deserve your baby and its incredibly kind and understanding of you to still remember what its like. xx

 

[Sophe]

I would email her too, i can truly be happy for my real friends when they are pregnant, it stings a bit when i first hear it and I do worry that i won't see them as much and we will drfit apart etc... but if they are a true friend who I care about I am happy for them and come to terms with it, hopefully your friend will too, you seem like a good friend to her she shouldn't want to loose you. x

 

[Try Rocking]

I agree with the above ladies, you should email her, let her know that you're thinking of her. She might have come to terms with the fact that you have gotten pregnant while she is still trying but she might not know how to reconnect after avoiding you for so long.
And even if she's not ready, in the future when she is she will remember that you still thought of her and still want to be friends.
Good luck

 

[Armywife84]

I can understand how your friend feels. She may be pushing you away because that's the only way she's able to cope with it. Infertility hurts so bad, that some of us go into self preservation mode and cut the rest of the world off because we don't know how to better deal with our feelings. With that being said, we shouldn't cut out the friends (even if they're pregnant) who want to be there for us during this difficult time.

She's probably truly happy for you, but can't express those feelings just yet.

Do you email her because she dodges your calls? Maybe call or text her and ask how she is..talk about where she's at in her journey and express well wishes, prays for her BFP. I wouldn't talk about your pregnancy (sore subject) unless she asks, even then keep the info limited.

If she doesn't respond, then you know she wants space.

 

[NavyWife84]

I agree with all the other ladies. An email expressing your feelings would be nice. If/When she is ready to talk, she will know you are there for her. Please don't get discouraged if she doesn't get back to you right away. Like Army said, she could be in self-preservation mode. My best friend has a beautiful baby boy but sometimes I just can't bring myself to talk to her because it is too hard. I am awful with the phone, but we occasionally email and text each other just to let one another know that although we are in different spots in our lives we still care for each other. That reminder every once in a while is plenty. She recently remembered that I had a doctor's appt and texted me to ask how it went. It really didn't go well at all, but knowing that she remembered and cared enough to ask meant the world to me.

 

[PugLuvAh]

Thanks so much everyone!

I am ok if she wants her space, I've been there too, I just want her to know I am here for her if or when she wants to reconnect. I"ll try this weekend

 

[snd80]

Ok, so I am one of the terrible ones that de-friended my very best friend when she told me she was pregnant... She knew we have been trying for 10 years, but not to the extent of how much it bothered me b/c me and my hubby, and her and her hubby, were always together and they didn't have kids either, so it never really bothered me when we all hung out. When you seen us, you seen them, and vice versa. So, we had all went out for valentines weekend and then that Monday I seen on her facebook that she had an unexpected valentines gift, that she was pg. Then she called me to tell me. All I could say was "Well good for you, congrats" and quickly said I had to go, that I was busy at work. I was heartbroken, and cried for a week as if she had died. It was so unfair to me that we have been trying for 10 years and she gets pg. the first time she has unprotected sex!!! I was so mad at the world, and she and her bump was in my path. Slowly I drifted away from her as her belly got bigger. I could not handle seeing her. It literally hurt my soul. They would call to hang out, and we would make excusses and finally they quit calling. Just the way I wanted it... only to find out 3 months later that my hubby is sterile w/ testicular failure and we are going to have to do IUI w/ donor to even have a child. So unfair!!!

I know it sounds horrible, and I am sorry, but that was my experience. She has had the baby now, but never called me to invite me to the shower or even tell me what she was having, and that was ok with me. I've kinda wrote that chapter out of my life. Maybe I should have told her what was going on, but I knew she would think I am crazy, and maybe I am, but it is the way I have always dealt with pg people situations over these past 10 years, way before she and I were BFF's. I did the same thing to my 2 cousins. But one of those cousins are the cause of my actions and it scarred me from then on. But that is a different story for another day... I guess everyone handles things in their own way.

That said... I would email her and tell her everything you have written here. Maybe she is dealing with this the way I have, and thinks you might think she is crazy too! It never hurts to try!

Wishing you the best of luck and hope it turns out good in the end! And sorry for the long story! LOL! Just wanted to make my side clear.

 

[Sophe]

Ok, so I am one of the terrible ones that de-friended my very best friend when she told me she was pregnant... She knew we have been trying for 10 years, but not to the extent of how much it bothered me b/c me and my hubby, and her and her hubby, were always together and they didn't have kids either, so it never really bothered me when we all hung out. When you seen us, you seen them, and vice versa. So, we had all went out for valentines weekend and then that Monday I seen on her facebook that she had an unexpected valentines gift, that she was pg. Then she called me to tell me. All I could say was "Well good for you, congrats" and quickly said I had to go, that I was busy at work. I was heartbroken, and cried for a week as if she had died. It was so unfair to me that we have been trying for 10 years and she gets pg. the first time she has unprotected sex!!! I was so mad at the world, and she and her bump was in my path. Slowly I drifted away from her as her belly got bigger. I could not handle seeing her. It literally hurt my soul. They would call to hang out, and we would make excusses and finally they quit calling. Just the way I wanted it... only to find out 3 months later that my hubby is sterile w/ testicular failure and we are going to have to do IUI w/ donor to even have a child. So unfair!!!

I know it sounds horrible, and I am sorry, but that was my experience. She has had the baby now, but never called me to invite me to the shower or even tell me what she was having, and that was ok with me. I've kinda wrote that chapter out of my life. Maybe I should have told her what was going on, but I knew she would think I am crazy, and maybe I am, but it is the way I have always dealt with pg people situations over these past 10 years, way before she and I were BFF's. I did the same thing to my 2 cousins. But one of those cousins are the cause of my actions and it scarred me from then on. But that is a different story for another day... I guess everyone handles things in their own way.

That said... I would email her and tell her everything you have written here. Maybe she is dealing with this the way I have, and thinks you might think she is crazy too! It never hurts to try!

Wishing you the best of luck and hope it turns out good in the end! And sorry for the long story! LOL! Just wanted to make my side clear.

so sorry to read that, i can see myself in your story, we only act like this because we are in pain, not because we are bad people.

I hope you get your baby soon, at least now you know what the cause is and you can work with it, like you say it is what it is, you just have to make the best of it.

Life is very very unfair, theres no doubt about it, we just have to make the most of our situations.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Wallie]

I can see you're sincere in your words too. I would send her an email.

I thought I'd lose my best friend too, she was struggling to conceive and then I was going through IVF, she was pregnant already and mine failed. Anyway at 12 weeks I popped round to see her and she was actually just telling family that day. I was happy for her, honestly, but I took to my bed for two days before the depression lifted.

After that I only saw her a couple of times. Once I knew her bump was getting bigger and due date was getting nearer I just couldn't see her, I was so jealous of it all. However when her baby boy was born I was round to see her in a couple of days. I'm so glad I did.

My friend never asked about IVF whilst she was pregnant and actually I felt she was incensitive the way she went on about how she was going to be doing this and that when the baby arrives. One night I nearly threw her out the door I just couldn't take it anymore.

Anyway all is well now and I'm glad I held on their until the baby was born as it was a real struggle for me.

I hope your friend comes round in the end, maybe she'll be the same as me, it's just the bump thing, I don't really want anyone else's baby int he end.

 

[Amber3]

I also think you sound like a good friend and that you should write that email. However, I do not think that you should bring up that you know how she feels because there is a big big difference to wait one year or to wait 2+ years.
You can at least try but if she does not want to I guess you can't do anything else and should not push it. I have friends who got pregnant after I have been trying for years already and who now have babies and somehow even as the children grow it is not really that funny for me to be around these friends. I like them a lot and their kids are gourgeous but I am constantly reminded of my own infertility when I am around them.
Best wishes for your pregnancy,
Amber

 

[Mrs.B.]

Yes, get in contact with her. They may feel bad that you took a while to tell her? I had a friend fall pregnant with her second in Feb and she took ages to tell me as she thought she would hurt my feeling, but it hurt me more that she felt she couldnt tell me. I was so happy for her.

I today found out that a different friend is pregnantwith her second (not found out from her) and apparently she does not want to tell me either!! I dont get it! I now have to wait to see how long it is before she tells me! and then act suprised lol!!

 

[weeyaosi]

She might not be interested in talking to you though.