Should I even be here :'(

[Talia12]

Feeling like the worlds shittest mum after losing my patience with my three year old when he's not well.
Last Friday he came down with one of his worst colds ever, cue horrible sleepless nights and whingey days despite me dosing him up. I've been letting him watch the iPad when I normally don't because I know he feels like shit but he's honestly being so so wearing. DH is helping but he's not here during the day.
I didn't send him to nursery on Monday because I felt he might still be infectious, but on Tuesday I absolutely insisted he went back - reason being that he just had half term off and only started there six weeks ago and it was very traumatic and tearful. He'd just settled in and I was terrified we'd be back to square one if he had any more time off. So he went Tuesday and Wednesday and has been okayish about it, but just so so difficult while at home. Especially at nights obviously, we all know poorly nights are the worst. He's a lot less congested than he was and he's stopped having a temperature, but he just has this residual cough that is almost incessant in the evenings and wakes him (and me) up several times a night.
DH has to get up early for work so he's been sleeping in LO's bed and me and LO have taken the double bed, and honestly about an hour ago (at 4am) I just snapped. LO fell asleep ridiculously early despite me trying desperately to keep him awake a while longer knowing it'd mess with his sleeping pattern. He woke up at 4:15am crying "blaze telly" I ignored him he just got louder and louder until I moaned "no" and then he SCREAMED a very tantrumy scream. I just shot bolt upright in bed and "smacked" (I use two straight fingers on his bum so I know it doesn't hurt but it lets him know he's crossed a line) him. I shouted "I SAID NO" and then started sobbing. DH came in and calmed him down and put him back to sleep, sending me here (LO's bed). This isn't even the first time I've lost my patience with him since Friday.
I feel like absolute shit right now, this is not how mothers are supposed to behave with their poorly babies, and I honestly feel that I should stop TTC right now because I feel I'm not a natural mother and how would I cope when this happened to one or both of him and another baby, once I had two? I don't even think I should be trying for another one when I can't deal with less than a week of poorliness from this one. just so so so sad and feel shit right now.

 

[Take2]

You are too hard on yourself. You don't have to be a perfect mum to be a good one! Sick kids are the worst and it's so difficult keeping patience when you haven't had sleep. Once lo is better and you've both had a few good nights sleep you will look back and laugh at how desperate this whole situation seemed. Fatigue amplifies emotions, this is just a bad patch, nothing more, it's not a reflection of your parenting abilities, hang in there!!

 

[Talia12]

Thank you so much, I really hope you're right. It's just right now I cannot see how I could possibly cope with two I don't feel like a natural mum at all and like I would be being unfair both to a new baby and to my LO by doubling my "work"load... sigh

 

[Take2]

I now have 3, I panicked before the next one came both times but u adjust and it becomes normal quickly. Sometimes it's a little hectic but trust me you will be just fine if you have another. You will have good and bad weeks, moments of 'what was I thinking', but probably no more than you do now! It's all totally normal, you sound like a great mum, you had a moment and you acknowledge you weren't your best, that makes you a good mum, because you care. I have snapped at my kids in moments of exhaustion, it happens to the best of us, you are human, you are doing great!

 

[Take2]

Btw 3 is a trying age even for a parent who has done it before several times, 3 year olds are great at pushing your buttons, always pushing boundaries..it's definitely a challenging age!!

 

[spunky84]

You have to remember that you are only human. If only we could hold ourselves together of every minute of every day, but it's not possible.

Please be gentle with yourself. I've lost my cool. DH has lost his cool. It does happen (especially when we're sick or exhausted ourselves).

I think the fact that you feel so bad speaks volumes on the kind of mom you are. You sound like a great mom. One of the things that we do whenever these things happen for us is to try to talk to DD. We apologize for how we reacted. We also say that she needs to listen (or whatever the issue is), but we say it in a way that doesn't make it sound like an excuse (like I'm sorry we ____, but you really should have listened, etc). I'm not explaining this right lol

But remember, you are human. It sounds like you love your son very much and are doing the best you can.

 

[Talia12]

Thank you so much for your responses I do feel a little calmer about it all and hopefully he'll be on the mend soon. Onwards and upwards with TTC!