Should I stay or should I go? :) (srs)

[Heather212]

Hiya everyone, having some issues with the person I'm with and trying to figure out if I should stay with them or not. I don't want to make a hasty decision but things are looking less than promising, at least our personalities don't seem to mesh well (trying to be kind here). Basically, me, my family and friends think he has some control issues.

When I met him he seemed like a very relaxed, sweet and nerdy guy, which I thought was refreshing given my past experience (an abuser). I also thought it was great that he wanted kids. But little by little I started noticing small red flags like he's definitely a bit cocky and VERY critical/demanding. Even if we're just watching a TV show he'll go on about how stupid everyone on it is. I usually just shrug and say "right, most sitcoms aren't very realistic."

But that's benign compared to the fact that he does it to me as well! He's always monitoring what I'm doing and how I do it in order to correct me or give me directions, even if it's something I've been doing since age 10. Sometimes he'll watch me do something but I'll take longer than the few secs he thinks it should take so he'll grab it from me and do it himself. Basically makes me feel incompetent even if I know I'm not.

Yesterday we went shopping with the baby (because he wanted to) and he had to disagree with almost anything I said/did. I guess he just needs to call all the shots. I told him to get the soda he wanted at the supermarket and he replied he "didn't think we should get the soda first." The other thing I needed was ice cream and obviously grabbing that last is wisest lol.

On the way home I noticed the baby was trying to eat a piece of paper and I asked him to please stop the stroller so I could take it away and switch it for a pacifier. He said " he shouldn't suck on pacifiers" and refused to stop. I said "is eating paper better?" and he went off about it being my fault for letting the baby hold a book. I mean I obviously let him hold it because I was looking at him.

But guess what? he then tries to give the baby a COIN TO PLAY WITH. I mean a book he may try to nibble the edges, which isn't great but a COIN He could die from

Well, I end up taking the baby off the stroller because he was squirming a little and I always fear he might cause himself to fall out. So I was holding him this way (versus upright)

https://mamaot.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/baby-laying-across-parents-arms1.jpg

This guy freaks out claiming the baby was about to slip from my arms. It may not be a very common carrying position (no idea but me and my dad tend to carry him this way at times) but I can assure you that he was never in danger of slipping.

Then I make the baby stand on the sidewalk we were walking on. He stands very firmly now and loves "walking" when being held by the waist. Well, this guy claims my placing the baby on the sidewalk to stand up was irresponsible because there is a lot of traffic on that street. The street is fairly busy for a suburban street but the sidewalk is quite large with parked cars in between us and the traffic. Still, the baby was being held tightly. He was never let go of.

But guess what? we were walking up this VERY narrow hill sidewalk with cars just inches from us (no space for parked cars, very narrow hill) and this dude starts horsing around pushing the stroller a few steps and then letting go of it. Like pushing it and then letting go of it, taking two steps, grabbing it again and repeating.

I didn't really freak out on him, I just tried to hold on to it while he wasn't. I'm starting to question my sanity due to this guy's bizarre complaints about me, coupled with HUGE displays of incompetence on his that I'm supposed to apparently ignore.

When I bring this up, he kind of eventually calms down and says he just cares about my safety and the baby's. You wanna know what's the weirdest about this? He wants us to buy a house and keeps talking about when we're old. I mean, is he kidding? I'm not sure I feel like being with him next month due to his behavior and he thinks we'll retire together LOL

Sorry about the long post, just wanted to hear some opinions

 

[kassiaethne]

I'd honestly have a long talk with him. First off about how you makes you feel inadequate with all the small things he does like criticizing and such and make him aware of what he is doing so he has a chance to change it because jumping the boat. My husband used to tell me he can't change things if I don't tell him what is wrong, that hes not psychic. And he is right we seem to expect men to know when they are doing things and they just have no clue and think you are okay with how things are because you go with it.

Like my husband used to grab my fat and it made me feel very self conscious but he thought he was being cute. but it was getting me to feel super fat and ugly and he just was trying to be endearing (seriously he thought that was endearing gawd) but he stopped and apologized as soon as he realized how it had made me feel. Also he used to do things like that and I finally just one day started telling him "its how I'm doing it and stfu" and he was all "woah why are you mad at me?" so I started listing all the little things he did and tried to correct me for and he honestly didn't even realize half of it. So he just said "tell me when I do these things so I can stop" and I do and hes stopped. and he says "don't do it just because I say so if you don't want feel free to tell me to stfu" sooo I do still lol.

Secondly,When he does things like that with the stroller I'd have just stopped walking and crossed my arms till he stopped moving and told him a piece of my mind and how I will give my child a pacifier any time I damn well wanted because I was their mother and that is freaking that. And if he has a complaint we will talk about it and he can give me valid reasons on why he thinks its unreasonable to be giving one but there is no way I'm putting up with childish bull because I refuse to let my child eat paper.

Lol man I seem bossy, but my husband is too and if you don't put your foot down and speak about what they are doing that is bothersome, them walking all over us is no ones fault but our own.

NOW if he continues and doesn't try to make an effort when you point it out or makes fun of you. THEN I'd seriously think about leaving

Forgot about that last part so edit:

Don't take I'm just concerned about you and the baby crap. Put your foot down and tell him I understand that but how you go about it undermines me and makes me feel bad so you need to figure out a new system or learn to stfu

 

[lily28]

He sounds insensitive and controlling. He obviously has no idea that the things he says have a huge impact on you and they can hurt you. You need to talk to him seriously, no crying or hysteria because this way you lose credibility with men. Confront him with his horrible attitude and tell him that if he continues you are gone.
I have a male friend who is like this and his wife left him, I can't blame her. He was always very critical and insensitive towards her, in the habit of ridiculing her every chance he was getting.

 

[Heather212]

Hi ladies, thanks for the encouragement

Hi Kassiaethne, I definitely plan to talk to him once again. I'm just afraid he may not be as easygoing as your partner. He does not seem to like it when someone points out that he's been disrespectful, it tends to cause him to become even more disrespectful. So I don't know what to expect if I told him to STFU LOL. Controlling people don't usually like it when you're assertive

Hi Lily28, it's true, this type of guy doesn't like displays of emotion. One day he said I was out of shape (after I had the baby) and he actually had a problem with me shedding a few tears. What an arse LOL

Although today, I did tell him not to suggest I didn't look after the baby because I would not put up with that and he just hugged me. Sometimes I don't know what to think. He's a very weird guy, almost like two different persons

 

[lily28]

Generally men are weird, I just block my dh when he is moody or has his man period, and I use positive reinforcement a lot (learned from my dog trainer lol). He can be a total arse when it comes to my priorities and is often too selfish. I have told him that I hate it when he is being like that and he is often very negative towards things that he has no immediate gain from, but extremely positive to all things that he has something to gain. Relationships don't work this way though, men and women can't pick and choose. We have to deal with all things dealt, pleasant and unpleasant as a team.
I find positive reinforcememnt a great way to start from and then introduce a bit of sober and serious talk to the things you can't tolerate from him. The worse thing is to keep quiet wishing it will go away. It will not. If you don't speak up it will only become worse. Just be carefull not to make it into a fight, or overly emotional.
I find it helpful if I write down notes and then read my notes to my dear husband. This way I have more organized thoughts instead of crazy feelings flowing and getting me cry, kwim?

 

[thefirstbaby]

Is he bi polar? It almost seems like it from past experiences. I would be careful. Confront him about the way he has been acting and depending on how that goes make your decision. I don't see how you put up with him. I would never be able to deal with a person like that.

 

[maggie111]

It's difficult when you only hear the negative side of the situation. I could tell you all what makes my husband an ass and you'd think he was awful but I wouldn't be telling you about how amazing and wonderful and brilliant he is.

Now maybe the op's fella doesn't have any wonderful qualities, I don't know! But to me I think you're sounding a little bit frazzled, I wonder if you're hormones are a little bit wild at the moment.

I think you need to take a bit of a break for a day - just take you and your kid off to the park and see how you feel when you get back home and if you feel refreshed.

The supermarket thing I don't understand, but then I have my little "niggles" and would probably tell my husband he's shopping "wrong" sometimes Altogether he doesn't sound great, but I think I can understand each scenario. The thing is, is there enough good in between your niggles?

sometimes that's hard to see when you're stressed x

 

[sethsmummy]

Tell him if he doesn't sort himself out then he can go stay with his family for a weekend/week. I did this with my o/h and it finally made him realise what he was like and what he would be missing if he didnt change. Although it only lasts a few weeks until i have to have a go at him again, hes never as bad as he originally was. I know my o/h has mood problems so i just deal with them. I wouldnt ever let it get so bad as him putting me down all the time though... and if he gave my son a coin to chew on id slap him lol.


Good luck hun, only you can decide how much you can take. Just look into your heart and think to yourself..;. would i rather put up with it and deal with it and allow my child/ren to see this as normal as they grow up.... or would i be better doing it on my own. Try the break thing first though.... if it works then brilliant. but if he is just as bad then you know he will never change.

xx xx

p.s As for little one standing on the sidewalk. At 10 months old my little one was walking outside all the time in town and at home. so your perfectly fine doing what you do hun. xxx

 

[Heather212]

Hi thefirstbaby, not sure if his contradictions come from being bipolar but I guess it's a possibility. He can definitely act like very different people.

Hi Maggie, there's been other incidents that I'm not listing here. He's had power struggles with my parents, stopped talking to me for days near my due date over me choosing to stay home during the Hurricane Irene weekend, blew up over me getting stuck in traffic and so on. Maybe listing all my concerns would be too long for this thread, but it's definitely not just the day I'm describing.

Not sure if you mean you understand my concerns or his. He tried to give the baby an actual coin (good thing I grabbed it before the baby did, because that has killed babies) but had concerns about a book being played with, YET wouldn't stop for me to take it when I saw it being nibbled at. I mean, I guess everyone's entitled to their opinion but I do find his reactions VERY hard to understand, in general.

He also kept letting go of the stroller, just letting it go, while pushing it on a very narrow hill. Yet had a problem with me letting the baby stand (with me holding him) on a pretty wide sidewalk :-/ I do think he's moody if not bipolar but of course, I like some of his traits. Just not sure his attitude will improve enough for us to make this work.