Shouldn't it have gone away by now?

[Zfbaby]

Hi
I just joined because I need somewhere to speak my mind and know that I couldn't say it out loud. It's a long post, I'm sorry.

My dh and I were ltttc. It took 5 years of trying and treatment before I finally got my bfp. Whilst trying to get pg we talked about gender and I always said I wanted a girl but knew we would have a boy. There are just so many in my husband's family. Obviously at the time we just so desperately wanted a baby. We wanted a family. But in the back of my mind I always pictured a little girl. At 16 weeks we went for an early gender scan one of those 3-D ones. The technician told us straight away that it was a boy and it was so obvious that it was. I tried to make out that I was happy with it because I had already told everyone I thought we were having a boy. I secretly hoped I was going to be proved wrong. As my pregnancy went on I thought I was over the disappointment. I started to imagine all the things I'd hoped for in a girl in my little man. I imagined cradling a little baby who would sleep in my arms and imagined breastfeeding him and I imagined hugs and playing in the park.

When he was born he was the only baby on the ward who screamed constantly. the midwifes would come and take him away so I could get just an hour of sleep. He wouldn't breastfeed, he wouldn't stop crying, he had colic he just never seemed to settle with me at all. It went on like that for three months until finally someone thought to check to see if he was tongue tied. He had a 75% tongue tie and it had to be cut three times before it was released. I had already given up on breastfeeding and moved to a bottle. all the things I had imagined about being a mother and a mother to my little girl were replaced by a screaming bottle-fed boy who never slept and scratched at my face. I didn't feel like I ever bonded with him but I thought it was because we had had such a rough start. I tried not to believe it was because I was disappointed in him all along. After his tongue was cut and his feeding was better I thought everything else would get better and I could stop thinking of that girl, the perfect little girl who wouldn't cry all the time and who slept in my arms. I could stop thinking about her and enjoy my boy. Things did seem to get better for awhile. He was a very smiley happy baby he was very advanced with his hand eye coordination and everyone told me how amazing he was and how lucky I was and for awhile I really felt things were getting better. Then at around six months he started making funny noises and funny jerky movements and everything fell apart again. Long story short, he was diagnosed with benign myoclonus of infancy. We spent five days in hospital before diagnosis. The whole time i keep thinking about how it wasn't fair and how this wouldn't have happened if he'd have been a girl, the girl I dreamt of for years, the baby I was meant to have. She would have been easy.
Im a stay at home mum with an at home business making children's clothes. Everytime I make a little dress I feel a pang of jealousy and disappointment towards my son again. I can't seem to shift it. He's almost a year old. Why hasn't this gone away?

I do love him dearly but I can't help but feel we would have a better bond if he'd been my little girl. He's not an affectionate baby although he smiles a lot. He can say mama but prefers to say dada and whilst I know that isn't personal, really it feels like it is.

We've always said we would only ever have two children. Because of our fertility issues my husband wants to start getting the ball rolling on baby number two. He doesn't want a huge age gap between the two and as we had so many problems that lasted such a long time he wants to start trying now. I'm terrified at the prospect of going through this treatment again. What got me through it before with the thought of my little pink bundle. Now I'm terrified of going through another 5 years just to have another boy. I feel like it makes me the most ungrateful horrid person . why can't I bond with the baby I have, why can't I accept the baby I have? I know that if we have another baby and we are told it is a boy I will be crushed. Knowing that I will never have my little girl. I don't know what to say to my husband I don't know how to explain how I feel and I don't know how to feel more towards my little boy. How do I make this horrible feeling go away?

 

[motherofboys]

Hi I really feel for you.
I didn't bond well with DS2, I had PND, he screamed constantly. He wasn't happy till he was able to crawl and walk and I felt better by that time but still didn't feel like he was my baby. Not till he was 2 years old and I was pregnant again.
At that time gender wasn't an issue as I knew we'd have lots of babies and I was happy to have a few boys first. Be the protector, the big brother.
Now I have 4. DS4 took 2.5 years to conceive. I know its not as long as you, and I already had kids, but I still felt that I should have been grateful to just have a baby, or that after all the emotions I went through, all the waiting, that I should have got a girl to make it 'worth it'.
I have been lucky enough to not have trouble bonding with DS4.
I want another baby and I do worry about it taking longer (taken longer each time) and going through it all again for another boy.
I don't know if the desire ever goes away, but I do know sometimes we build things up so much in our head and then can come crashing down when reality hits. Waiting for a baby, dreaming what it would be like, then having one with problems like tongue tie, who cries a lot, can be so different from how we image it its hard.
One day you WILL bond with your son, I can't say when, but it will happen. And one day you will accept the way things are and find a reason and the blessing in it.
For what its worth I've seen people on here who took 3 years to conceive her boy, then fell naturally pretty quickly after with a girl.
Another option is gender selection if you will be going through ivf anyway, but depends on finances and which country you are in.
Best of luck to you.

 

[Misscalais]

Sorry you're feeling this way.
You need to stop thinking that if baby was a girl it would all be perfect, because it wouldn't. I think that's the reason your finding it so hard because you keep comparing him to the perfect girl picture you had in your mind when in reality if he was a girl he'd be the same baby just with a vagina instead of a willy.
You won't ever feel happy with your son unless you stop picturing him of what your thoughts of perfection are. No baby is perfect, they all cry and have their own different types of issues.
I really hope this doesn't come off mean, I'm just trying to put in into perspective for you.
I'm 36 weeks with my 3rd son. I was so very sad when they told me I was having another boy at our scan. I really wanted a daughter, for my hubby to have a daddies girl, for my boys to have a little sissy and for me to do all the mother daughter things. And ill always want a daughter, what gets me through is what I imagine my daughter to be probably isn't anything like what I envision it to be. She could have ended up a Tom boy that would rather play with trucks and cars lol
I know it's hard, it's not your sons fault he's a boy and not the picture perfect girl you wanted.
I'm hoping I bond well with this bub once he's here, I didn't have any issues with my older boys ( even though I had a bit of GD with DS2, this has been much worse for me ) but I feel I'm bonding with him and I'm excited to meet him. Looking around at all the blue stuff waiting for him in my room though makes it a bit hard.
Big it's ok to want to have a daughter and its ok to feel sad about not having one.

 

[maybebaby3]

I'm sorry you feel this way but as misscalais says try not to think that a baby girl would be perfect. I have 3 sons and 1 daughter and my daughter was the worst of the 4. She screamed day and night for the first 4-5m. All babies have their quirks and challenges. You never know, maybe your next one will be your girl but if not I'm sure that your son would love a brother.

P.s. Your son in your avatar is gorgeous. Boys are sweet and loving and I'm sure the bond will come

 

[Jess29]

Zfbaby,

I understand and can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have four sons and am pregnant again (we don't know the sex.) I also imagined having my perfect family which included a perfect little girl. But how we imagine and dream things to be isn't realistic. Parenting is hard, messy and things rarely go as expected. Some babies are easy and some are really difficult! My oldest son was a very easy baby. I remember thinking "this isn't so hard, let's have another one!" Our next "one" turned out to be twin boys. They were incredibly difficult babies. They had feeding problems, sleeping problems, were colicky... I was unable to calm them down when they were upset. Nothing I tried worked. They even cried when I sang to them. Seriously, it depressed the hell out of me. I didn't bond well with them. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I didn't start to bond with them until they were around 7 years old. They are almost 9 now and our relationship is much better. I understand how hard it is to bond with a difficult baby. I know you wanted a baby girl but a girl could have all of the same issues that your boy has and I think that's what makes bonding so difficult.

What helped me bond with my boys was spending quality one on one time with them. This can start at any age. With a baby you can take him for walks around your neighborhood. Stop to talk to him about things along the way. You can say things like, "Look, this is a mailbox. Look at this tree. This is the bark of the tree." (Have him feel the bark) What seems mundane to an adult is fascinating to a baby. You may feel silly at first (I know I did) but it is worth it. I did this with my fourth son, I basically narrated everything we did together. It helped us bond and it helped with his vocabulary.

Just a thought but your son might be saying dada more because it's easier for him to say that than mama. I know a mom whose son was tongue tied and he needed speech therapy at a young age.

I hope some of what I said was helpful. I wish you the best and I know you can bond with your son. *hugs*

 

[motherofboys]

My eldest was pretty easy too and I also thought that it was easy until my 2nd came along lol
Ds3 said mama a couple of times in amongst his babbling when he first started making sounds. Then stopped. He was over a year before he actually called me mama. Until then I was dada lol he could point at the cat and call it cat, but he would not call me mama.
How old is your son now? My youngest is 6 months and just getting to the fun stage where everything is fascinating and it's fun to watch him discover things.

I was talking to someone else online the other day about gender disappointment and I told her that for us there are days when it's complete madness and I don't know if I'm even sane to think of another. And I think if I'd had a girl things would be different, easier, better. But then there are those moments like the other day, coming home from the park. I was at the back, ds4 in the pram. Ds1 and 2 were either side of dh, ds3 on his back. They were laughing and joking, running round, dh jogged along a bit bouncing ds3. I watched them, then looked down at the baby sleeping snuggled up and I felt great. I felt good and right and like I could do this. It might not always be what I thought it would. I might want to pull my hair out at times and I don't think I will ever stop dreaming of a daughter. But there are omens that make it all worth while. And whatever happens, in the end, I know I will be ok.