Slowly coming round

[katherinegrey]

I feel awful for even posting here. I couldn't feel like a more terrible person then I already do, but I'm so upset that this baby is a boy. I was so, so, so hoping for a girl. We tried for 9 months for this baby, and in that time I never once thought I'd have a preference over sex. It was when I fell pregnant that I realised how much I wanted a girl. I browsed girls clothes, we'd chosen a girls name, my sister even bought me a pink moses basket, so it wasn't even just me that wanted this baby to be a girl, my sister, my mother and my best friend all told me how much they hoped it was a girl. It isn't. It's a boy. I cried when we left the scan, my fiancé is over the moon, but having to tell all the people who wanted it to be a girl that it isn't was so hard to do, I felt like I was disappointing everyone. I could picture our daughter in my head crystal clear, I have an excellent relationship with my own mother, and I wanted that mother/daughter bond for myself. I feel like I've lost this little girl forever.
This pregnancy has been tough on me, I've been sick constantly, I've lost so much weight I'm now medically underweight, I have headaches all the time and my emotions are totally out of control. I'm not sure I ever want another child because of how much of a toll pregnancy has taken on me, and I think it's selfish to try for another baby when I wouldn't be wanting another baby...I'd be wanting a girl. I couldn't face the disappointment of having another boy again, and I wouldn't want to feel that way about my own baby again.
I feel like the worst mother in the world. I am absolutely ashamed of myself. To see that baby wriggling around looking strong and healthy on the screen should of been such a happy experience, instead I feel upset because it's not my dreamed of daughter. I haven't a clue how to relate to boys, I have no idea how I'm going to bond with my son as he gets older. I feel like this baby isn't really mine now, because I know my DF will be the one to teach him things and do things with him, whilst I'm on the sidelines so to speak. I can't even think of any boys names I like, so I have no idea what I'm going to call him even.
I feel so jealous when I see women announcing they're having girls, or when I see my friends daughters. I just think why not me?
I keep trying to remember that this baby is wanted and loved already, no matter it's gender, and that I'm blessed to ever experience motherhood. I hope considering that I have so much time until the birth, I can truly come around and be happy that I'm having a boy.
I just needed to get this off my chest.

This is what I wrote a week ago when I first found out my baby was a boy. I'm now slowly coming round to the idea that it's a boy. I've bought some blue things to get me used to the idea, and I'm once again starting to get excited about meeting my baby. Today though I have a friend who's only a couple of weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy, and she just found out her baby is a girl. I feel so jealous again. I have 2 friends already with daughters, and I have now two friends expecting daughters. I'm literally the only one expecting a son. It's all girls with my friends, and I'm so, so jealous! How come everyone else seems to get what they want so easily?! I really thought I was getting over my gender preferences, but now I feel a bit like I've been knocked back again.

Sorry this post is sooo long, and if you managed to read some of it, kudos to you! I just needed a bit of a vent.

 

[No1showgirl]

Hi - I didnt read your original post first time round but all i can say is your mirroring exactly what im feeling - from the initial finding out, to gradually coming round to the idea...to being jealous everytime someone says their having a girl!

Im sure we will both "get over" this feeling...xxx

 

[katherinegrey]

Thank you so much for replying, it's lovely to know I'm not alone! It certainly feels very lonely when everyone seems to be ecstatic no matter the gender, and you feel like the only one dealing with that disappointment.

I sure hope we will, and I'm sure when our boys are actually born we will barely remember wanting them to be girls xxx

 

[No1showgirl]

Just think - we can still have the best dressed little boys EVER, and they are cute...just different!

Dont give up on your dream of having a girl though....I havent!

 

[katherinegrey]

I totally agree! Lol! They will be the best dressed baby boys around!

I haven't just yet, I still hope I'll one day be on team pink, and she'll have her big brother to look after her

 

[No1showgirl]

xx

 

[lillio]

This sounds exactly like my post lol! Sometimes I think you just have to say this out loud before you can move on. I'm in the same boat, all my friends have girls. To have such s crappy pregnancy I total understand... I have been so poorly, still am and I really needed a lift, to get me through til the end.... not what I felt was a knock back.

However... my DH took me to build a bear (this is a weird story but it might help) to pick a teddy for our baby. Of course I welled up looking at the little pink ones but soldiered on, found a lovely bear with a lovely face. Took it to the lady (they stuff them right there) who was so excited about the fact that we were buying this bear for our baby. We put a lullaby in his hand and a heart in each (you make a wish) then they stitched him up. I brought the bear home and looked at him for a while... imagined a little boy carrying him around, playing the lullaby to him in his crib and I really felt like DH and I had created something special and unique for our special and unique little boy and... I feel a bit better.

I still feel guilty for being so upset, if it'd been a girl I would have told everyone I know and run around celebrating... but I've cried at home and told no one. I almost feel sorry for my little boy because I've treated him differently before he's even born. I'm glad to have him, I wanted a baby sooooo much... and I've got one on the way at last. These thoughts are what's getting me through... sorry this is a bit rambley but just wanted to say I know how you feel... we'll be ok.

Big hugs xx

 

[katherinegrey]

That's so strange, we also went to the build a bear factory and built a bear for our little boy too! I also felt a bit better afterwards

You sound like you know EXACTLY how I'm feeling, and it's so nice to have people in the same boat. I also felt like I needed that boost to keep me going, and I still feel a little guilty about how differently I felt about this pregnancy when I found it it's not my little girl.

But you're so right, we'll be ok, it's just going to take some getting used to

 

[mummystheword]

I can totally understand how all of you ladies feel!!! I was SO disappointed when I found out at our 20 weeks scan that LO was a boy!! I was actualy depressed and had to take time off work. I couldn't bear people to ask me 'what are you having?' I even told them at first that we hadn't found out!! It took me AGES to start to feel happy and excited again, I couldn't buy any clothes or anything blue for a long time!! My scan was on 18th April 2011 and one of our friends had their baby in May 11 and we knew she was expecting a girl, but when we went to see her it just made me worse!! I thought, why did she get a girl and I have to have a rubbish boy!!

Now my little gorgeous man is here, I couldn't be happier and just want to offer support to you ladies as I can absolutely relate to you... but there is light at the end of the tunnel!! (And I don't have time to browse the girls clothes so don't even notice them anymore!)

 

[pinkribbon]

I know how you feel with the last bit about everyone around you having a girl and being jealous of that!

I have a son and he is a total mummy's boy, so loving and sweet and it's looking at him that I don't mind so much which sex I have this time!

 

[Jeninpa]

I remember wanting a girl so badly my 1st pregnancy, to the point I wouldn't even fuss over or hold a baby boy. I only had 1 ultrasound with him & they couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl so on 12-28-94 I found out, & it was a boy (Bryce Wesley)! I not only didn't even consider for a second once he was born that I'd rather he was a girl but he has also been the most perfect child anyone could ever hope for! He is amazingly sweet, handsome, extremely talented & intelligent I have never had to yell it him a day in his life! lol He is now 17 & so responsible. I just adore him & would take all boys if only they were like him. So just to give you some hope! lol Also My pregnancy with my other 4 children went so smoothly with no morning sickness (boy, girl, girl, boy) but this pregnancy is kicking my butt!! I am sooo sick! So maybe every pregnancy is different & you won't be sick the next time! Good Luck!

 

[Ecologirl]

I can totally relate to what you first posted. I've just had my scan this morning and started crying as soon as I saw it was a boy and sonographer confirmed it. Only thing is this was my last chance. I find being pregnant extremely difficult because I have Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. So that's why it's so final. It took a lot for me to even want to try again after the last pregnancy. I don't know, all I can say that is I hope it gets better for us. I know how you feel about being jealous. I just feel heart-broken, feel like I've lost something because I had her pictured in my mind so clearly too. I had such beautiful girls names ready to go. I've just posted another thread about my experience today if you want to read, but hope you can stay strong and start feeling more positive each day. I know what you mean about everyone hoping for you. It was the same with me, all my friends, family. Now I'm sure everyone thinks I'm the most pathetic person in the world. Horrible and pathetic. Hope I feel a bit better as the time goes on. Let me know if you find anything to help or if suddenly it just clicks for you and starts to feel right. Sending hugs your way

 

[Mummy2B21]

Hugs x