So many emotions :(

[babytots]

I never thought I would post in here but I guess I need to stop being in denial and face my feelings.

Bit of history I have 2 beautiful girls, following that I had 2 miscarriages and lost my 3rd girl at 19 weeks. I then went on to have two gorgeous boys but there was always a part of me that hoped we would have another girl in the future not to replace the daughter we lost but to get back what we should have had with her iykwim.

So last year I managed to convince DH to try for another on the given that after baby was born he would have the snip. We got pregnant quite quickly but lost the baby couple of cycles later and I got pregnant again.

Which brings us to now. From the get go I was convinced it was a girl my symptoms were exactly the same as my girl pregnancies and mothers instinct just told me I was having a daughter. I was stupid to get m hopes up as I had a gender scan this week and the sonographer told me he was a boy.

I'm just full of so many emotions right now and not sure how to deal with them. My angels due date is next month and I keep torturing myself wondering if that baby was our girl. The month after it's our daughters anniversary and I feel so robbed of not having another daughter. With DH having the snip there is no chance of trying again and I know in my heart of hearts that I couldn't try for a girl incase it was a boy and went through all these feelings again.

I feel like the grieve for my angels and what might have been is taking away from any excitement or bonding with this baby and it makes me feel extremely guilty. I haven't told DH or any of my friends how I'm feeling as I know they won't understand.

I had everything planned out for a girl what name she would have, what pram I would buy and what bedding I would purchase etc. we have no boys names we both agree on, the pram I liked for a boy has been discontinued and I can't find any nice bedding or clothes for him. I just want to be able to bond with him and being able to shop for him would help with that.

Sorry for my ramblings I just needed to write it down. I'm so so happy that he a healthy as that's all that really matters in the end. I just wish I could get past this grieve that being an angel mummy brings x

 

[sil]

Babytots, I just wanted to send you my hugs and understanding. Although I haven't had a loss as late as Jessica, I do still understand what it feels like to feel the disappointment of finding out you are pregnant with the gender you weren't particularly hoping for. I am pregnant with my second and last child, so I was really hoping for a girl as well since I already have a boy. I've had to go through the process of grieving the daughter that I will never have which can be a difficult thing to face. I also always wonder if the baby that I miscarried before this pregnancy would have been a male or female, even though I was only 6 weeks along. It almost makes things more difficult. I imagine it's even more difficult than that when you already had a daughter and unfortunately lost her. My heart breaks for you.

All I can really say is just do your best to give it time and try your best to focus on the positive aspects of having a boy. He will be of close age to your other boys so they will have a good friend, you can start thinking of nursery themes and clothes and names etc which helped me a tiny bit. I still get sad once or twice a day, particularly when I see female babies or children when I am out with my DS, but it's getting easier. Know that it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to cry (I have done my fair share), and there is no need to feel guilty at all. Hugs.

Hang in there and I'm here if you ever need to talk.

 

[babytots]

Thanks hun I'm feeling much better since writing this. We have picked out a name for him and its really helped me to bond more with him now I can picture him as a little person with a name. I'm still finding it hard to go in baby shops as all that stands out is the girls clothes or girls prams etc and it reminds me of that sadness.

I know once he comes along he will be so loved by us all. I just wish DH wasn't so adamant about getting the snip least then there may be a chance in the future to have a "happy accident" and that little bit of hope will remain iykwim. x