So many thoughts and concerns.

[BethMaassen]

I am only 23 weeks pregnant, so this is a long ways off, but i can not help to think about this a lot.

My doula (also a personal friend) has let my borrow two books she thought I really should read.
"Birthing from Within" by Pat England and Rob Horowitz.
and
"Ina May's Guide to Child Birth" by Ina May Gaskin

I have read a good part of Birthing from Within save for the chapters clearly aimed at first-time parents and the cesarean chapter. I had an EMCS with my first and it is still fresh and I am having a hard time coming to grips with it. SO I can not bear reading about them.

My birth story to the best of my memory for those curious:

Spoiler

Athiliya was due to arrive on March 31st 2015.

During my last ultrasound, Athiliya was estimated to be the size of a full-term baby although we had at least another month before she was due. I had already given my doctor my birth plan, stating I did not want to be induced, nor did I want an epidural. So at my next doctors appointment we discussed my concern for Athiliya's size. So my doctor suggested we not wait too long after my due date to induce me to prevent her from getting TOO big and reduce the possibility of her collar bone having to be broken during to delivery in the case that she got too big.

At my last prenatal visit, I agreed to the induction, and we scheduled it for as soon as possible.

April 4th we grabbed up my hospital bags and we left to the hospital. We arrived shortly after 7 and got me checked in. I was showed to my room and told to switch into a hospital gown. I brought a pretty little labor and delivery gown that I purchased (and will be reusing this time) so I put that on instead. I got into the bed, and by 9 pm My birth plan was given out and I was fully checked in. One nurse remarked on the amount of makeup I was wearing, and that it was pointless because it will just get sweated off and ruined anyway. I ignored her because, I wanted to have this baby "in style".

Around 9 pm, the inserted the cervidil and started up the pitocin. I laid flat in bed for an hour while the cervidil did it's thing. An old neighbor happened to be there, and my husband bumped into her in the hallway while he went to get coffee, so he brought her in and I got a nice visit for a few minutes. I was allowed to sit up an hour later. and through the night not much happened. My husband complained about being cold and hungry. We watched TV and a nurse came in a couple of times. I kept updating FB from our laptop and my mobile phone in the mean time. I could not sleep, I was too anxious. During the night, I did not dilate much, maybe 1/2 cm. I was offered and accepted a sleeping a pill, but it did not work.

They increased my pitocin over the next day. My husband would come and go to get coffee, he would mess on the laptop and watch tv. as I was urged to sleep. I had a doctor and an intern come in and check on me. My dilation got as far a 2cm during the day. My husband went down to the cafeteria and got himself food. I was allowed to eat because I wasn't making much progress. I showered and washed my face as well.

April 6th my doctor came into see me, and because I was making very little progression, she decided to manually break my water. The smell of amniotic fluid made me sick to my stomach. (to this day I can still smell it, and I HATE it) After having my sheets changed I returned to bed. I spent hours worrying about the lack of progression and started to worry about a cesarean. They continued to up my pitocin to as far as they could The pain eventually got too much for me, and I asked for something to take the edge off. And I was given something (can not remember what it was called) through my IV. The pain only got worse, and two hours after I started to panic and asked for an epidural. An anesthesiologist came in and placed it shortly after. I had fallen asleep for a few hour to only wake to my husband arguing with one of my nurses.

April 7th early in the morning, my doctor came in and found I have only dilated to 4cm after they broke my water 16 hours prior. She discussed her concern, and that it would not be good to wait much longer, so she suggested a cesarean. And I agreed. After she left, I began to panic. I did not want a cesarean. My epidural quit shortly after. Through the pain, I was panicking about having a cesarean, and the worse case scenarios playing out in my head. I was in hysterics. I did not want to be touched or talked to. 2 hours later they finally got an anesthesiologist to come in and place another which took him another 2hours to do. All the while I was in further hysterics, yelling at the nurse and my husband as I couldn't sit properly to have the guy place another epidural. I was screaming and crying and shaking. The entire time my husdand was making jokes, that I just could not find funny, and he did get offended. Finally, the guy got the epidural placed and I laid down and began to calm down. I was so cold and I was shaking, my teeth were chattering and everything. I no sooner got comfortable did they come to wheel me into the OR.

I panicked as they got me on the operating table and strapped down. I was in full blown hysterics. My doctor taped my belly up to allow them to make the right cut and stuff because my fat was in the way. They went and got my husband after I was all set.

All through the cesarean I was panicking, I could swear I could still feel them, and the anesthesiologist pumped my full of more pain medicine. I got to see Lily briefly as they whisked her past me. The anesthesiologist ended up knocking me out because of my panicking. I don't even remember hearing Lily's first cries. I am sure I did, but I don't remember. I was awakened afterwards to my husband and the anesthesiologist tickling my chin. Apparently I had stopped breathing a few times. I told them I couldn't breathe. I was in and out for hours. I can barely remember nursing Lily for the first time.

She was born April 7th at 12:45 pm weighing 10lbs 1oz and 21.5 inches.

After a few day of recovering I was released April 10th. During my recovery days there were more complaints from my husband, my sister came and visited, and my husband got in yet another argument with the same nurse as before..

Because of these books, I am understanding just how much caused me to end up with an EMCS. I am pretty sure it started with the induction.

Anyway. Because of how traumatic Athiliya's birth was, and the fact that I have gotten pregnant again sooner than I expected I would, I am having numerous concerns, and fears.

I want the birth that I wanted with Athiliya. All natural, unmedicated, and with as little medical interference as possible. I am no longer comfortable with a home birth, just in case something goes wrong, I definitely want to be at the hospital.

These are my fears and concerns:

1) What if I don't go into natural labor? Like my water never breaks on its own? and I end up going so far overdue, I am forced into another cs because they will not induce me again?

2)What if I do not end up dilating again and end up with yet another cs?

3) What if I do end up having a uterine rupture due to whatever reasons, and have yet another cs?

4) What if the hospital will not agree to what I wish? Not that I see a reason for it, but what if?

5) What if my husband makes it just as miserable and uncomfortable again for me? By arguing with hospital staff and my doula?

I guess my biggest fear is that in the end, I end up having to have another cs. And I do intend to talk to my doula about this, and other things.

I wish I could just relax about it. but it plagues my thoughts every day. Sorry for the rambles, I just need somewhere to spill it all...

 

[agentBacon]

Hi Beth,

I too am going to try for a home birth and this is my first pregnancy so I totally understand your concerns and many are mine too.

I found out about Ina May Gaskin through the video series "the business of being born" - you can find them on youtube. Anyway, I read Ina May Gaskin's book ina May's Guide to Childbirth, the first half of the book is all birthing stories and the second half Ina May talks about birth positions, natural ways to induce labor and the essentials of birth.

After I finished the book I know 100% that I would do everything I could to have a home birth. I am still worried about having to be transferred to a hospital, having a c-section, being forced to take meds/drugs to dull my labor pains and what if my water never breaks?!

Well, I had a consultation on Friday with a local midwife, she has attended over 500 births and works with a select group of OBs and other medical professions so she always has someone with a medical degree to consult with when one of her clients has an "out of the box" issue. She told me upfront that her rate of transfers with first time moms is 7% with the majority of it due to pain management. I do appreciate her honesty.
I really felt like she will help me get the best birthing experience possible. I know many things can happen between now and birth but it feels so good to have someone like her to speak too and helping me though this. We plan on only having 1 child so this pregnancy and birth will first and hopefully last so it is extremely important to me that it be the best I can get.

Can your doula recommend a midwife to you? I do pray that you get the birth you want without all of the fears and concerns.

p.s. you may want to also check out birthing without fear , just google it, BNB wont let me post the website address since I have made less than 10 posts

 

[BethMaassen]

I am about 170 pages into Ina May's book. I will be honest, I skipped most of the birth stories. But I plan to go back and read them.

Getting this far into the book and having read the other one I mentioned. I am convinced everything went wrong in my daughter's birth. From the very first moment at our last sonogram that said she was the size of a full term baby and we still had weeks to go before her due date. Everything that happened afterwards just piled on the fear and worry and everything. The induction, my husband's behaviour, being scared about them having to break her collar bone, everything.

After she was born, I spent so long hating myself because I could not give birth normally. And I wanted to know why. I spent some time researching it, and apparently it is known that inducing a mother before her body is ready to give birth, can cause "failure to progress". Simply because the body is not ready, and medical induction is trying to force it. Then of course of all the drama surrounding me and everything. It makes sense.

I do not know if she can. I am so lucky that she is a friend as well as doula. I get her and don't have to worry about money. And I know there is a nice midwife clinic in my area. However, last I knew they did not accept my insurance and I can't afford to pay out of pocket.

I know my doula wants me to write everything I want, and things that relax me and all that. She is determined to help me have the birthing experience I want.
I know my biggest thing is, I will want my daughter there with me at all times. My anxiety hits the roof when I am away from her for too long (and I already know that's because of the traumatic birth) and being a prolonged time without her, I would be in such a high state of anxiety and worry.


It does sound like you have a great Midwife. She sounds like she will definitely help you achieve the best birthing experience possible. When are you due?

 

[Larkspur]

Hi Beth,

Something that leaped out at me from your story was the way you spoke about your anxiety. You said you think your problems started at the induction, but it seems to me like your severe anxiety was the key aggravating factor in your first birth being so traumatic.

What approach are you taking to deal with your anxiety this time around?

 

[agentBacon]

I'm due between April 9-15. I just noticed you are due in December and I understand why this is bothering you so much since you are only a few more months till your due date.

I agree with your doula that writing down what you want your next birth to be will help and it will make it feel more real and possible. It's great that she is also a friend! Definitely a bonus.

Making peace will help you come to terms with what happened during the birth of your daughter and to forgive yourself for the things you could not control. I cant imagine how scared and confused you must have been, I don't know what I myself would have done or reacted if I were in your position.
I hate how the majority of hospital systems treat women that are in labor. it's as if babies are tumors that must be quickly and diligently taken out of us and shame on us for making this much harder for them to do.

Please know that what happened during your daughter's birth doesn't make you any less of a great mother to her or less of a woman to your own body.

I personally don't know if I will get the birth I want but, damn it, I am gonna try my darnedest!

 

[BethMaassen]

Hi Beth,

Something that leaped out at me from your story was the way you spoke about your anxiety. You said you think your problems started at the induction, but it seems to me like your severe anxiety was the key aggravating factor in your first birth being so traumatic.

What approach are you taking to deal with your anxiety this time around?

It is possible that my anxiety was was the key aggravation. Considering the events.

AT this point, I am not dealing with my anxiety. Aside from avoiding things that set it off.

I know as for the birth, My doula is talking about massages and relaxing scents. And I am thinking about relaxing music. And having my daughter with me.

 

[BethMaassen]

I'm due between April 9-15. I just noticed you are due in December and I understand why this is bothering you so much since you are only a few more months till your due date.

I agree with your doula that writing down what you want your next birth to be will help and it will make it feel more real and possible. It's great that she is also a friend! Definitely a bonus.

Making peace will help you come to terms with what happened during the birth of your daughter and to forgive yourself for the things you could not control. I cant imagine how scared and confused you must have been, I don't know what I myself would have done or reacted if I were in your position.
I hate how the majority of hospital systems treat women that are in labor. it's as if babies are tumors that must be quickly and diligently taken out of us and shame on us for making this much harder for them to do.

Please know that what happened during your daughter's birth doesn't make you any less of a great mother to her or less of a woman to your own body.

I personally don't know if I will get the birth I want but, damn it, I am gonna try my darnedest!

It was a terrible experience. It has been really hard. SO much so that I saw a therapist. A high school friend of mine, had a cesarean 7 months later due to her baby being breach, and when she announced it, I had a melt down.

I came more to terms with it when months later, I found myself fighting this "minister" on face book shaming mothers for having cesareans. IT enabled me to feel better about it. But still I ca not face it. I am sure it will get better over time.

But thank you! I am trying to be the best mom I can be.

I want to wish you luck with the birth you want! All you can do is try your best!

 

[agentBacon]

I'm so glad to hear that Beth you are starting to come to terms with it, I've read so many stories of women who had traumatic birthing experiences but go on to have amazing second births - it may not have exactly been as planned but they where much more prepared next time around.

here's to the both of us birthing the best we can!

 

[ElmaWG]

Hi Beth,

A book that I highly recommend is "Natural Hospital Birth" by Cynthia Gabriel. It talks a lot about strategies for avoiding unwanted/unnecessary interventions in the hospital. There is a chapter (which I only skimmed, but it seemed detailed) about VBAC.

I worry about a lot of the issues you mentioned, even without having had a traumatic birth. So i think it's totally normal to think and worry about this. Going "overdue" and being pressured into an induction is and was a big worry for me. Also waters breaking and labor not progressing, and being pressured into an induction. "Natural Hospital Birth" discusses both of these. But I think those are both tough situations that you can't do much about (besides hope they don't happen), and may very well end with an induction. But the good news is, there's a pretty good chance neither will happen.

I agree with a previous poster that you should come up with a plan for dealing with your anxiety and staying calm during your labor. That is one HUGE factor that you DO have control over. You can practice now and by doing so feel like you're being proactive (and maybe calming some of your fears at the same time).

 

[BunnyN]

Just a note about your water breaking. My water didn't break either time until I was well into established labour. With my second it started leaking a little before but didn't break propperly until he was actually being born. Not breaking the water tends to make the labour gentler on mother and baby.

 

[BethMaassen]

Hi Beth,

A book that I highly recommend is "Natural Hospital Birth" by Cynthia Gabriel. It talks a lot about strategies for avoiding unwanted/unnecessary interventions in the hospital. There is a chapter (which I only skimmed, but it seemed detailed) about VBAC.

I worry about a lot of the issues you mentioned, even without having had a traumatic birth. So i think it's totally normal to think and worry about this. Going "overdue" and being pressured into an induction is and was a big worry for me. Also waters breaking and labor not progressing, and being pressured into an induction. "Natural Hospital Birth" discusses both of these. But I think those are both tough situations that you can't do much about (besides hope they don't happen), and may very well end with an induction. But the good news is, there's a pretty good chance neither will happen.

I agree with a previous poster that you should come up with a plan for dealing with your anxiety and staying calm during your labor. That is one HUGE factor that you DO have control over. You can practice now and by doing so feel like you're being proactive (and maybe calming some of your fears at the same time).

I will look into that book.

I am also glad that my worries and fear are not completely fueled by my daughters birth. My biggest fear is ending up in that OR again. Which I really do not want.

As for my anxiety, I am trying to manage it. I avoid things that cause me to get anxious. And find ways to calm myself. My mother things I should seek treatment (medication) for my anxiety. I am not fond of the idea. I find talking about my anxiety and stuff helps me. Though my personal relationships, I often get told not to be ridiculous and dismissed.

 

[BethMaassen]

Just a note about your water breaking. My water didn't break either time until I was well into established labour. With my second it started leaking a little before but didn't break propperly until he was actually being born. Not breaking the water tends to make the labour gentler on mother and baby.

This really good to know. And i think will help me relax about that.

 

[NDH]

Wow I'm so sorry to hear of the way your last birth went and its no wonder you are feeling anxious this time around! Its normal to be anxious about birth regardless (no matter how many times you've gone through it, it really is a trial by fire each time) but you certainly have a lot more reasons to be anxious. Has anxiety always been something you've dealt with and your last birth has heightened it, or is this new?

I would first of all look for a support group or therapy where you can really debrief. There are birth trauma groups on Facebook and hopefully someone can point you in the direction of someone local. I agree with the others that you need to find a way to manage your anxiety as you get closer to labour and birth. Have you debriefed with your doula? Or anyone at the hospital you gave birth at? One thing some women find helpful in letting go of past birth trauma is by writing a letter to the hospital staff outlining your anger/frustration at the way your last birth was handled and laying out your emotional trauma as a result. Whether or not you send it is up to you but the exercise can help release some of that anxiety.

Next, I would very much look into doing some birth preparation such as hypnobirthing. You need to fill a toolbox of birth skills especially if you're VBACing in a hospital. Hospitals are a hostile enough place for women wanting to birth naturally, but especially for women VBACing. You will need a great support team around you to help protect your bubble while you are there to keep you in your primal zone and out of your rational brain as much as possible. Listen to YouTube interviews with Michel Odent on that subject.

I would advise you not have growth scans this time around. women are more than capable of birthing big babies as long as we are not made to fear that ability by being told they are "too big". Avoid the cascade of interventions, try to stay home as long as possible (the less time you spend in hospital the less chances they have to pressure you to intervene).

But the most important thing is to find a provider who will truly be supportive of a VBAC. Not one who will bait and switch with all these stipulations in the third trimester, but will genuinely support VBAC and has the stats to back it up. Ask lots of hypotheticals and get a feel for how they will react to things like going over 41 weeks, measuring large again, and so on. Its never too late to change providers to one who will support you. (I did it at 40 weeks with my second) though the US insurance stuff does admittedly make it harder to do...

If you really do want to VBAC though I would encourage you to reconsider a homebirth as you are far more likely to achieve it at home than in hospital, and certainly have fewer interventions. Or at least look into a private midwife with hospital rights and hqve kne on one midwife care in hospital. A midwife can work with you on your anxiety and helping work through your past birth trauma as well.

 

[NDH]

Another suggestion for your anxiety is to colour some birth affirmations. I have purchased a couple of birth colouring books (one is called soften open release and can be found on Etsy - its a physical colouring book, and the other is called Blissful Bellies. Its a PDF colouring book/journal) and I col our in them every time I feel anxious. This is my 5th pregnancy in under a year so my anxieties stem from a different source than yours but still, colouring is proven to de-stress and colouring images of pregnant women and new babies with motivational birth mantras is very much helping my own anxieties and getting me excited for the birth. One or both of them might interest you too.

 

[BethMaassen]

Hi NDH,

Before Athiliya was born I did not suffer from anxiety. I had moments, but everyone has moments of anxiety. Now it seems to be an actual condition. I was diagnosed with Anxiety due to her birth about a year ago. I had finally broke down and stuffed aside my pride and sought help. It was one session, due to them trying to get money out of me, although I paid my copay at the appointment.

I am planning on dealing with my anxiety. Biggest thing will be not being apart from my daughter. When away from her too long, which can start anywhere from 60 second to 10 minutes, I start getting anxious, and sometimes a full-fledged panic. So she will have to be with me.

I will be having a hospital birth. Because of the chance of a uterine rupture. And I would like to be right there should medical intervention be needed. I have thought about this a lot. And I think that will make me feel most comfortable. I do plan on staying at home as long as possible, but then again, I worry. I also have my husband (providing we have no split in the mean time) who is one of the people who scoff at people who don't rely on modern medicine.SO that is a big stresser.

My doctor, same as my last pregnancy, was willing to do the vbac. I had to sign som forms but other than that she is all for it. She is one of the most highly rated and recommended OBGYN in the area.

I have shared my birth story with my doula, in fact she requested it knowing that I had to have a cesarean and that I am dealing with personal issues due to it. I plan to write up my worries for this birth, and my wishes and things I believe will relax me, and keep me from panicking.

I truly believe not only having my daughter with me will prevent anxiety attacks, but also will provide as a beautiful distraction. I can play with her and cuddle with her. Nurse her - not sure how that will go down, but it is something I could do, and plan on doing, I don't even plan on starting to wean her until she is two.

I will look look into the coloring books. Hopefully find some free ones seeing as money is pretty tight with birthdays, holidays, and having to buy baby stuff, and new clothes for daughter.

 

[NDH]

Good luck, I hope it goes smoothly and you have a healing birth .

There are loads of free colouring pages online, though not birth specific ones that I have found but they will do the job nonetheless . There are some great ones here for starters https://www.pinterest.com/4life20/quote-coloring-pages/

I had my daughter with me at my second birth and she was only 17 months at the time. I had hoped to have her present for the actual birth with my doula there to take her in and out if needed but my doula wasn't able to come in the end and I didn't want my daughter there when I started pushing with no one to watch her and take her out of she got distressed, so in the end she went to be with my mom who was waiting inside and came back in soon after the birth. I wouldn't have done well without her any longer than that, but was too distracted to even notice she was gone the time she wasn't in the room. Children at birth is a wonderful thing IMO

An OB making you sign forms to support a VBAC sets off major alarm bells for me that they are not truly supportive, but maybe they aren't the standard ones that basically sign away all your rights and it will all turn out. If you're comfortable with her care that's all that matters.

Maybe its different where you are but over here less than 10% of women in hospital who try for a VBAC actually end up with one which is really sad as there's no reason for such abysmal success aside from time limits and interventions and women not being allowed to listen to their bodies. I don't know if it makes me more sad or angry...

Anyway when I said a support team I didnt necessarily mean at the birth, but just around you right now. Having people around you (online counts) who will fill you up with so much positivity and support and belief that you *can* VBAC that it drowns out all the naysayers.
You've got this

 

[BunnyN]

I think it might help to inform yourself about birth, VBACs and avoiding intervention as much as possible. The risks of a VBAC really are very low.

Being in hospital incase you need intervention is a two edged sword. When intervention is the easiest option it is much more likely to be used. At home there is no choice but find an alternative or transfer to hospital. Most of the time problems can be dealt with easily without intervention. Many problems don't even need dealing with as they are less likely to happen or to be an issue at home.

 

[BethMaassen]

NDH - After reading your response last night I went and downloaded some coloring pages. just regular coloring pages.

I am pretty set on having my daughter with me. My mother does not think it is a good idea. But that's because she worries about my husband and how he behaves.

I did wonder about the forms too, but apparently it is standard practice over here after a cesarean no matter how long between pregnancies and births.

I know that there is a high success rate of vbacs, I just don't know where. But because I am 20 minutes away from the nearest hospital and I am quite worried about uterine rupture, I am pretty set on a hospital birth.

And thank you. Online support works, and has been a comfort.

 

[BunnyN]

Sorry, my phone seems to have eaten the second part of my last post?? Anyway, it ended up looking like I was pushing home birth on you. I wanted to say home or hospital has its advantages its really important to be where you feel most comfortable. Going for a HB without feeling comfortable with the idea isn't going to help. Either way inform yourself and don't be afraid to say what you want. Just because something is "hospital policy" doesn't mean you can't make a different choice. At any point during the labour you have the right to decide on what you will refuse or accept. One tip I liked was when ever an intervention is suggested that you are not sure about ask if you can have 10 mins to think about it. If they say yes it isn't an emergency and can probably wait longer. Sometimes just being patient and waiting a little longer will mean intervention is no longer needed.

 

[BunnyN]

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