So this is me now...

[Miss_Bump]

Hello all I havent posted properly on this forum for a long time but now I'm a single parent it looks like I'll be coming here for advice.

Me and OH are in the process of separating. We have been together for nearly 12 years and married for nearly 2. We have a wonderful 4 year old daughter together but things just haven't worked out.

From the beginning of this year things haven't been great for us and we've been falling out of love for a long time.

Everything came to a head recently when I found out he'd been going out with his friends and taking drugs and keeping it all from me. I knew in past he'd taken drugs and he promised not to do it again but has and has lied for what I feel to be the entire 12 years of our relationship. I don't feel like I know him anymore. I care for him as he's the father of my child but I'm not longer in love and have no trust in him now at all. He really wants things to work between us and I do believe him when he says that but I don't want this anymore. I deserve to be happy.

I just feel so bad. I feel bad for leaving him and feel sorry that he has to sleep on his mums sofa. I know I shouldn't feel bad but I just can't help it. I also feel ashamed and embarrassed that Jll be a singlee parent. I find it hard to tell people we are separating and feel I can't even speak to my parents properly about it all.

I'm close to his brother and his entire family know we are separating but no one has text or called me to see if I'm ok etc and even when I need to drop off or pick up Evie from the inlaws it's just awkward.

Just after some nice words and support really and any advice on anything and how to cope.

One of my best friends is going thru similar but her relationship is abusive and we have been supporting each other a lot. I'm so lucky to have her in my life

 

[mrsp14]

Hey, I'm also new to single parenting. We were together for ten years married for 6. We actually decided to seperate September last year but cohabited until 4 weeks a go.
My 4 year old is struggling with daddy not living with us. I think maybe my 2 year old is cos he's acting up above and beyond the terrible twos!!

Anyway, just wanted to say hi... I'm glad you have a friend your going through this with. I've been feeling pretty lonely this past month!!

 

[baileybubs]

Hey Hun I'm also new in this, well it's been almost 7 weeks since my ex moved out. I know what you mean about feeling bad about being a single parent and what people think, there's still stigma that comes along with it these days but just ignore that. People who matter in your life won't let that become relevant.
And just one thing I feel I should say to you is that you shouldn't feel bad. He is the one who lied and was taking drugs. He created this situation and you are just doing what is best for you and your children.
And don't let your inlaws make you feel awkward. You are doing your best to keep their relationship with your kids up, they should be doing the same as well, it should be irrelevant how or why you and your ex split coz it's about the kids iykwim.

As for advice and tips of how to cope, for me the best advice I got was to ask for and accept help. Get support. Speak to family and friends. Also do what you feel is right for you. I was living in my ex's hometown and was starting to feel abandoned and isolated. My ex just left me to deal with all the bills on our house and left me high and dry, so I made the decision to move back to my hometown to be nearer my family and old friends. A fresh start. My best friend questioned whether I was making a knee jerk reaction and should wait and think about it. However I'm glad I didn't, it was the right thing for me and my kids and I know if I hadn't moved (just this week) id be spending most of the Christmas period alone with my kids feeling very down and depressed. I also wouldn't be able to go back to work as my ex has become so unreliable with child care and keeps cancelling having the kids. Now in my hometown I have my parents and friends to help and can go back to work when my maternity ends after Christmas.
Just do what you feel is right for you, don't feel you need to accomodate how your ex may feel about things, he isn't a major part of your new life now. Of course they are his kids so any major life changes would need his consideration (like moving country or something) but don't hesitate to do something because you fear it might upset him.

Lastly, make sure you do things for yourself. Go get a hair cut, maybe a massage, go for drinks with a friend. Make sure you look after yourself because you need to make sure you are in good health (physically and mentally) so you can look after your kids. A happy mum means happy kids.

Big hugs. You can do this Hun, you are strong xxxp

 

[Miss_Bump]

Thank you both so much for your replies and kind words.

It's just all so hard. I'm finding it difficult to get my head around selling the house as I won't be able to afford the mortgage etc. I can move back with my parents but it's not ideal. They are supportive in their own way but I'm 30 and dot want to be back with my mum and dad.

I've got 2 cats, what do I do about them? They wouldn't asjust to being with my parents either lol they already have a cat who isn't very sociable to other cats... Little things like that are hard.

I feel OH has taken so much from me. I've wanted another child for a very very long time and now I know that won't happen. I'll find it hard to trust anyone else who will come into my life. I'm not looking for anyone else at all and I wouldn't for a long time anyway and evie has and always will come first.

I'm smoking again now and finding it hard to apply myself properly at work etc. I don't want to go out I just generally don't want to be around people.

I feel like I've lost everything

 

[baileybubs]

Aw Hun I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know that feeling too about wanting another child. I have 2 kids but always wanted a big family and a part of that feels like my ex has taken that away from me. But when I said that to someone else they outright laughed at me (my friend isn't very subtle lol) I'm a year older than you are (31) and my friend thinks it's ridiculous that I won't find someone else to share my life with before it's too late to have another child. She reckons I've got at least 10 years, and when I think about what has happened in my life in the last 10 years for me I realise it's totally possible. In the last 10 years I got married at 21, divorced at 22, was in a serious relationship for almost 3 years, single for a year and then met my current ex who I was with for 4 years and had 2 children with.
Although it may not feel like it now, one day you will be ready and open to sharing your life with a man again and you can totally have all the things you want including another child Hun.

As for living with your parents I totally get that lol, that's what I am doing! We have agreed it will only be for a year or so though whilst I get myself on my feet, start a new job and get kids in nursery etc. So far I can see how it's gonna be annoying at times but also I know I will appreciate the extra help with the kids. They've even allowed me to bring my dog lol!
But maybe even if you move near to your parents you might find that a help. Do you work full time? Working part time I get working and child tax credits and I was also entitled to some housing benefit, not ideal as I always want to work for my money but the reason we have benefits is for people in situations like ours, and it would be helpful until you can figure out a plan for your future.

It will get easier and better I promise. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but you'll get there.

As for feeling angry towards your ex for the time and love he's taken from you I can't help you with that one yet as I still feel very annoyed towards mine!