So upset -how do I get myself mixed up in these things? OT and LONG!

[MUMOF5]

i mean this in the nicest possible way but fuck her......shes probably jelous because you were married first and now pregnant first and probably got the best brother lol shes just sounds like a petty child

Exactly!!! Id tell her that too! Dont worry, at least you only have to see her at weddings and funerals . Seriously though, shes clearly not worth worrying about, rise above it hun, you're obviously the better person. xx

 

[delnickio]

For the sake of giving you a different slant and disagreeing with 50% or so of the replies, i'll reply to the topic question, i'll disect what you've wrote and then you can assume i'm 5% right since 19 (random guess) other people believe this woman is wrong and the devil.

I do sympathise and hope things work out. I'm also glad you're feeling better. Also i absolutly don't want this to offend in any way at all and ideally maybe you'll realise something and work things out.

Ok so:

DH and his brother don't get on, boiling down to BIL's jealousy of DH since they were children. Because he feels inadequate and is insecure.

This is insanity, many many brothers don't get on. To simply have pinned everything on jealousy is to avoid the fact that some people will dislike you even if you are perfect.

Your bil got drunk at your wedding - his wife was upset <fairly common>

Why would it possibly matter who got married first? It's not a race.

It's awesome you make an effort, it also says more about you that you can make these efforts through you grinding your teeth (perhaps needlessly?). You then say they keep you at arms length because they are jealous? That isn't the actions of jealous people. You obviously just don't get on and that's fine, but it's 50-50 and this is why:

You and her act the same, you are at her wedding (nice of her to invite you), you make a nice greeting (also nice), she talks to someone with her back to you (not good), you don't say goodbye (not good) and then text her a few days later (nice), she doesn't reply (she's on her honeymoon? i'm not taking a phone on my honeymoon and if i did, emergency only everyone can wait.)

she sends you a thank you card (not good enough 'tone') you reply (decent of you) she feels you're rude.

She says she holds her thoughts back (not good) < this is exactly what you are doing.

You have not created this ill feeling on your own, but surely re-reading what you've wrote there is alot of 'ill feeling' that you hold. Your Dh appears to be fine with the fact they won't get on and it's good he can still hold a conversation with his brother, maybe you need to do the same. All relationships are the same, some are simply not compatible and this is one of them. All this talk of jealousy is seriously flawing your analysis on this situation, you and your sil seem very alike.

Anyway, i hope none of that is taken offensively (i know it can seem that way as it's not what you are expecting). But honestly i hope you have a realisation and are happy with that and maybe moving to a more positive place than being in denial. Also i've spent more time thinking through your situation than anyone here aside from you and tried to give a logical view.

I really would like to make clear despite disagreeing i honestly hope you have a lovely pregnancy and everything works out amazingly for you.

x

 

[Jolinar]

i mean this in the nicest possible way but fuck her......shes probably jelous because you were married first and now pregnant first and probably got the best brother lol shes just sounds like a petty child

LOL ditto the above. Say your bit move on and forget her, whatever you do or say will not be good enough and trust me I say this from experience of the in-laws from hell. They ain't worth the effort honey.

 

[redpoppy]

For the sake of giving you a different slant and disagreeing with 50% or so of the replies, i'll reply to the topic question, i'll disect what you've wrote and then you can assume i'm 5% right since 19 (random guess) other people believe this woman is wrong and the devil.

I do sympathise and hope things work out. I'm also glad you're feeling better. Also i absolutly don't want this to offend in any way at all and ideally maybe you'll realise something and work things out.

Ok so:

DH and his brother don't get on, boiling down to BIL's jealousy of DH since they were children. Because he feels inadequate and is insecure.

This is insanity, many many brothers don't get on. To simply have pinned everything on jealousy is to avoid the fact that some people will dislike you even if you are perfect.

Your bil got drunk at your wedding - his wife was upset <fairly common>

Why would it possibly matter who got married first? It's not a race.

It's awesome you make an effort, it also says more about you that you can make these efforts through you grinding your teeth (perhaps needlessly?). You then say they keep you at arms length because they are jealous? That isn't the actions of jealous people. You obviously just don't get on and that's fine, but it's 50-50 and this is why:

You and her act the same, you are at her wedding (nice of her to invite you), you make a nice greeting (also nice), she talks to someone with her back to you (not good), you don't say goodbye (not good) and then text her a few days later (nice), she doesn't reply (she's on her honeymoon? i'm not taking a phone on my honeymoon and if i did, emergency only everyone can wait.)

she sends you a thank you card (not good enough 'tone') you reply (decent of you) she feels you're rude.

She says she holds her thoughts back (not good) < this is exactly what you are doing.

You have not created this ill feeling on your own, but surely re-reading what you've wrote there is alot of 'ill feeling' that you hold. Your Dh appears to be fine with the fact they won't get on and it's good he can still hold a conversation with his brother, maybe you need to do the same. All relationships are the same, some are simply not compatible and this is one of them. All this talk of jealousy is seriously flawing your analysis on this situation, you and your sil seem very alike.

Anyway, i hope none of that is taken offensively (i know it can seem that way as it's not what you are expecting). But honestly i hope you have a realisation and are happy with that and maybe moving to a more positive place than being in denial. Also i've spent more time thinking through your situation than anyone here aside from you and tried to give a logical view.

I really would like to make clear despite disagreeing i honestly hope you have a lovely pregnancy and everything works out amazingly for you.

x

You know what? You're assuming you know MORE than you know and to ASSUME the best of the other person is unnecessary.

Why do you need to look at SILs point of view? Why not simply advise the BEST course of action? (simply put; to IGNORE the bad feelings and negativity, to RISE above it, to be as nice as possible and to not fall for any bait that is laid down?) Why not nurture some one who's feelings are hurt and who is confused instead of just making them feel worse by devaluing their emotions and their feeling and their analysis of a situation? Why ASSUME that the person who is posting is either lying abut their feelings or intentions and if they are what business is it of yours? Surely a post which offers a positive solution is better than one that actually does NOTHING other than to point out that there are two sides to a story?

I personally, in my responses have never mentioned jealousy and as my personal opinion is that I also do not believe that this is jealousy, I do not think its PRODUCTIVE in any way to say that. As for people "not getting on" people don't get on for a reason. if you look at human pychology, people are programmed and conditioned to act in certain ways due to their genetics and their experiences. If someone has decided that a RANGE of actions between two brothers that SHE knows a LOT more about than you do have lead her to believe that jealousy between brothers is a major factor of the schism, and she's a reasonably intelligent human, who are you to consider her mad and off the wall?

I realise you do not mean to offend but I don't actually understand what you mean to do? Most women have experienced difficult, insecure, whiny, drama queen, attention seeking, unstable women in their lifetimes. There could be a chance that the poster you're speaking to is like that OR that she's a total lying lunatic BUT why assume the worst? Why not try and add goodness into the world by both offering care, support and a positive solution instead of analysis which can have little positive outcome?

 

[Eve]

My advise would to be not to really bother with the SIL until you need to, such as other weddings, funerals or family functions. There are a few members of my OH's family who do not like me, and I do not like them. They know I do not like them, and I know they do not like me... but when it comes to family functions we both grit our teeth and deal with it. It seems like nothing you do is going to change her mind about you and you shouldn't worry too much about that part. What she seems to think of you is her opinion and everyone is entitled to that, regardless of how stupid it might be lol...
I would just think of her as someone who needs to get a life and stop being so darn angry all the time! Don't worry about it, she will end up having something change her someday ( I hope ) and maybe then, once she grows up and realizes family is the most important thing out there, you might be able to have a decent relationship.
Best of luck to you and your family and LO on the way! Congrats!

 

[Eve]

As for what was said above, both people make great points! I believe she is looking for support and comfort rather than someone who doesn't know her tell her how it is. I do not mind hearing a harsh truth but from someone really close to me, not a total stranger.

 

[daisyfairy]

that could have only been written by a man! lol

i do agree with his points and he is prob rite when you look at it like that, HOWEVER.......we are women and we like a good ol'bitch so prob best to leave us to it!x

NB: this post was written in a light hearted manner so i wouldnt bother trying try to analise me, many men have tried and failed in the past! ha ha x

 

[Belle30]

Ouch! Despite the length of my original post, there wasn't nearly enough space to explain the reasons for believing it boils down to jealousy, of which there are many - and I was warned of this jealousy and rivalry by DH and his brother and parents at the very beginning of my relationship with DH.

But, yes, maybe in some people's eyes it would appear to be something different, just a general dislike or incompatibility, for example. We all have different perspectives on things, and who can ever say they are definitively right or wrong?

Your Dh appears to be fine with the fact they won't get on and it's good he can still hold a conversation with his brother, maybe you need to do the same.

DH is not fine at all with the fact they don't get on, but it's something that he has had to live with for 30 years, and I'm still at that stage where I'm finding it tough. On most occasions they can't hold a conversation, and I'm the one that does on the rare occasion that we do see each other. At the wedding the three of us had a nice chat (why would you assume otherwise? Maybe I expressed myself badly.) In the end I made the call the BIL to tell him we were pregnant, because he refused to answer my DH's calls - for 3 weeks. But we did manage to have an ok chat.

Anyway, maybe you are right with a lot of things you say, but there are a lot of assumptions in your reply that my first-hand knowledge and experience would suggest are incorrect. But thank you for taking the time to reflect on everything and reply.

Everyone realises that if they post on here they will get mixed responses, and sometimes a lot of analysis and dissection from people who feel inclined. So I expect that too, and I was expecting at least one reply similar to yours. Having said that, it's unfair and unfeasible to expect fully reliable and insightful analysis from anyone who doesn't have first hand knowledge and experience of the situation, as their analysis will be coloured and clouded by the way the situation is described by the poster. In my post you only have my word for it, and my version of events, so trying to analyse within the limits of this bounded rationality is flawed - and anyway it can never be useful as an academic exercise!

What I was looking for was an outlet, a few kind words, and a hug! I think that's what a lot of people on here are after (this time my assumption - maybe I'm wrong!) For analysis and dissection I go to a couple of the most astute people I know personally, who also have first hand knowledge and experience of what I need to chat about!

I too wish you a wonderful pregnancy.

 

[Belle30]

that could have only been written by a man! lol

i do agree with his points and he is prob rite when you look at it like that, HOWEVER.......we are women and we like a good ol'bitch so prob best to leave us to it!x

NB: this post was written in a light hearted manner so i wouldnt bother trying try to analise me, many men have tried and failed in the past! ha ha x

Oh lordy I didn't even realise it was a man posting! SOrry Delnickio - another flawed assumption for you, this time on my part!! But I still wish you and your OH a lovely pregnancy. Agree with DaisyFairy - we girls do like a good ol' bitch, and we're generally not daft enough to truly believe that everything we say or think is rational and we're the perfect ones - we just like to let it out and feel we're not alone in our angst! But it's nice to get a man's perspective all the same. Maybe I'm the biatch and she's the angel, or maybe it really is 50/50. At the end of the day it doesn't matter, and it's not about winning or losing or proving ourselves right or justifying our feelings - it's just about lifting a weight off our shoulders by chatting. Anything more than that and we probably need to look beyond this forum - wonderful though it is.

Anyway, thank you once again to all those who have read properly between the lines, and realised that what I needed was not a brain scan, but a virtual cuddle.

xxxxx

 

[beenalongtime]

It's such a shame when there are family conflicts that just cannot be resolved, but you must hold your head up high and be content in the knowledge that you have been the better person x

 

[redpoppy]

Nothing personal delnickio as I know this is a public forum but it is ultimately a pregnancy one which involves a LOT of women with a LOT of hormones in their system.

I sometimes wonder if men trying to do girly chats is as annoying as when girls try to chat football?

I know there are men who are GREAT at girly chats and there are women who have the knowledge and analysis to chat about football, but I'm sure a woman turning up on a football forum with her own perspective on the game but who isn't versed in the nature and way men speak about it would either get a patronising (we fancy her) reaction or get a bit shot down.

 

[Belle30]

Nothing personal delnickio as I know this is a public forum but it is ultimately a pregnancy one which involves a LOT of women with a LOT of hormones in their system.

I sometimes wonder if men trying to do girly chats is as annoying as when girls try to chat football?

I know there are men who are GREAT at girly chats and there are women who have the knowledge and analysis to chat about football, but I'm sure a woman turning up on a football forum with her own perspective on the game but who isn't versed in the nature and way men speak about it would either get a patronising (we fancy her) reaction or get a bit shot down.

I wouldn't dare!! You have to know your place and your field of expertise!!

Redpoppy, I like you a lot. You are so bleedin' rational, yet sensitive and understanding! I have replied on here to others' rants, and I only hope I have sounded half as lovely as you.

xx

 

[AimeeM]

Honestly it all boils down to pure jealousy. Take comfort in the fact her life is so unsatisfying that she has to dwell over the fact of how jealous she is of your life. Ignore her as much as possible.

 

[puppycat]

I'd tell her you are very sorry the only memory she has of her special day is of you not saying goodbye.

*smug smile*

 

[monst_18]

I can totally sympathise with this - its so hard to rise above it but you have to, for the sake of your sanity and the baby! - i wish i could take my own advice on this!

Chin up hun - she is clearly jealous of you all along - first you beat her to the wedding and now being pregnant!

xx

 

[Belle30]

I can totally sympathise with this - its so hard to rise above it but you have to, for the sake of your sanity and the baby! - i wish i could take my own advice on this!

Chin up hun - she is clearly jealous of you all along - first you beat her to the wedding and now being pregnant!

xx

Thanks - yeah I know, I'm the same, so sensible when it comes to other people's problems, but I'm useless at taking my own advice!

xx

 

[Pato]

I would mention the fact she didnt greet you and make it obvious why you didnt feel the need to say bye or just be polite and say she looked busy so you didnt want to interupt make her feel silly.

Oh I would definately tell her about this....she sounds like an ungrateful cow

 

[Seity]

Some people will always be petty and insecure. I'd write them off until the day they decide to grow up (which may never come). You've done absolutely nothing to warrant that behavior from them.

 

[Eve]

My OH's Brother and my OH do not get along well at all either... theirs isn't jealousy but rather indifference! They are nothing alike and do not really speak. I do the talking to him and things like that. It is awkward when I am the one telling them through facebook that we are expecting as I do not even have their phone number. They have spoke on 3 different occasions in almost 5 years. His brother does tend to throw hissy fits if we do not send out gifts on time etc... but it doesn't bother me. I have met his wife once at their sister's wedding but she didn't seem to interested in talking to me so I left it at that. They have been down but only once has his brother came to our home and it was for maybe an hour and it was him and I talking. Its a pain in the ass because I feel pressured to keep some kind of contact going but on the same note, I also do not feel I should have to make the effort when they don't. I must say he did come through for my OH when our son passed away. He lives on the other side of the Country and flew out as soon as he got word. He was there then and now I at least know they do love each other... just so darn different.
I wish you all the best with your BIL and SIL and maybe someday they will turn around and realize they have good family they can depend on

 

[hudz26]

my BIL and soon to be SIL are just the same, they are jealous and tbh if they can't act their age ...well...fuck em lol its their problem hun not yours, we have not had a congrats on our baby but to be honest i am past caring lol

like others have said hun concentrate on your OH and LO and leave them to their jealousy lol
xxxx