Someone please help me :'(

[05mummy07]

My 6 year old son is .... a monster.

I am at a complete loss on where to turn now, every day is filled with shouting (on mine and his part) hurting his brother, constantly doing what he's been told not to do, backchatting me and showing me so little respect it's a joke.

He thinks it's acceptable to trash the house (Put a bloody hole in his bedroom wall today!) and do as he likes, If I or my partner (who's not his dad) tell him off he will sit there smirking and just repeat the activity again when your back is turned.

He's constantly calling his 3 year old brother an idiot, or telling him to shut up.

Bedtimes are ridiculous, I put them to bed at 7-8pm and they are wide awake and fighting up to 3 hours later, and then up again at 7am the next day, waking his brother up as he does so which means my morning wake up call is to them arguing and shotuing, slamming things etc.

Just recently (and I've absolutely no idea where he has got this from) he when he gets sent to his room decides to start saying he wants to die, or he wishes he was dead.

I can't go on like this with him, every day is getting worse and I'm cramping on a daily basis at 22 weeks pregnant.

Has anyone had any similar problems? Could there be an underlying medical issue (ADHD?) or is he just testing my patience?

He doesn't act up nearly so bad for his dad, so I'm stumped. But he's constantly reducing me to tears

 

[MiniMomOfMany]

Here's a response I posted to another mama here with a similar issue--> Children are so often 'reflectors' of what is going on around them, and when there are lots of transitions (new baby, housing shifts, etc) it can really be reflected in a little one's behavior. When they are feeling unsettled, displaced, out-of-sorts, etc, and their behavior is at it's worst as a result, that's when they most need understanding from and communication with their parents (connection), but that's when we're most likely to punish them (correction). 'Connect to correct' is shifting focus from controlling their behavior to meeting their needs. One idea would be a 'time-in.' This takes consistency and availability on your part, but that pretty much sums up everything about mommyhood, doesn't it, lol? A 'time-in' spot can be a sofa or a window seat or bean bag, whatever will hold two people and some paper and crayons and books. Explain to your lo that when he is upset, he can go to the 'cuddle corner' (or whatever you and he decide to name it) himself or invite you to join him (If/when he invites you, go right away because it's a big deal for a child to invite someone into his problems!) or, if he's having behavior issues, you will invite him to join you there. Tell him it is a place for him to calm down, maybe look at a book or draw a picture if he goes alone or talk about his problem or just get some cuddles if he invites you or if you invite him. When he's having behavior issues, the purpose of the 'time-in' is to reconnect and find out what is causing the issues so you can meet those needs instead of just trying to control the 'symptoms' (negative behavior). This link https://wp.me/p1CpgO-b0 has a collection of gentle parenting tips and insights where you can find other ideas that might work for you.

Hi, ladies! Just a quick follow up. If you can manage it, set up the 'time-in' area when your little one isn't upset or in trouble so they don't associate it with punishment (also, don't use it as a threat or form of punishment because it's a place of connection, not correction!) and so they are more open to the idea. Once you set it up, don't try to force them into using it. If you see them cranking up into a fit or getting aggressive, mildly suggest that they might try their 'Cuddle corner'/'Break time'/'Chill spot' and ask if they'd like you to come cuddle or chat with them or if they need some alone time. If they resist, calmly follow on with your normal course of handling the situation and wait til next time to bring up the time-in spot again. It can take a while for them to shift gears and trust that you aren't just setting up a new form of punishment.

Hope that helps, mama! (My shortlinks are posted through fb, so you may have to click through to get to the articles)

 

[05mummy07]

Thank you so much for your reply, and words of advice.

My sons will be with their dad tomorrow, so I will set up a place in the house whilst he's not here and explain to him when he gets back what it's for, Even give the reward charts another go!

 

[MiniMomOfMany]

You are most welcome! Don't miss the article 'What Your Children Need Most When They Deserve It Least' about halfway down the page on the link I posted. It's a very brief, but very good, look at how empathy can build bridges to help us reconnect with our little ones. Love that one!

 

[hypnorm]

Thats fine mini mum, what about when there is no upheaval, we are in a stable caring relationship, both provide constant discipline, no house moves, or major changes. hubby works away every so often and has done since birth so no difference there.
So i don't see how they can reflect what is going on around them?

i'm hoping that my son will get support at school this year, if not I will ask them to get his behaviour assessed, as we think it is just boredom at school causing the main problems he is bright and cheerful but can get very disruptive when bored.

 

[JASMAK]

I like what the others have said...and get strict with the rules...write them out so that your son can see what is expected, and what happens if he breaks the rules. Most imporatant: follow through!!!

 

[MiniMomOfMany]

@Hypnorm~You are certainly right, mama! While instability is very often at the root of acting-out behaviors, it can also be a reflection of temperament, growth-spurts, early attachment deficiencies (sometimes associated with NICU babies, infants with divided home situations, babies with serious long-term illnesses, etc) that manifest in later childhood, along with health issues such as asthma and allergies (the medications alone can cause behavioral issues, not to mention chronically feeling tired and sick!), among others. Luckily, it isn't always necessary to track down the origins of the behavior unless it is an ongoing situation that needs to be addressed. Focusing on connecting with a child who is acting out aggressively and/or is often out of control is a viable solution no matter what the root cause is, and even when it is a simple matter of temperament challenges, focusing on meeting the child 'where they are' so to speak and reconnecting with them through meeting their needs and creating an environment where they feel safe communicating with their primary caregivers is a win-win situation!