Sophie is having her sleep study today and if she passed it, was going to be allowed to room in with us tonight and home on Friday.
She started breastfeeding just yesterday and has been feeding on demand all yesterday afternoon and overnight. The first feed she did, she had a brady and went all grey and floppy and gave me the fright of my life but it didn't happen again for the rest of her feeds yesterday and through the night. They said it was probably just a rush of milk going into her mouth and her forgetting to breathe at the same time as sucking and swallowing. The rest of her feeds through the night were absolutely perfect.
This morning, everything was looking brilliant, her saturation levels were up at 97-100 through a nappy change, hiccups, and cuddles. They have to average 94 to pass the sleep study.
It came time to do her feed and she woke up and started screaming the place down (for the first time - nobody had ever heard her cry like that before). She latched on after a bit of fussing and then I noticed she was going pale then the monitor showed her heart rate had dipped way way down. I took her straight off and there was something just not right. The nurse said 'she's fine' and I said she's not, she doesn't look quite right, then I noticed she was starting to go blue round her mouth and under her eyes! I KNEW she wasn't right! I have never had such a scare in my whole life. Then the nurse took her from me and was patting her and blowing on her and shoogling her (the technical term lol) and eventually she came back to normal but I was seriously scared.
It happened again the next 2-3 times she started feeding. They think she is just getting a rush of milk at the start or is drinking too fast to think about breathing but they said it's all purely mechanical, nothing to do with needing to go home on oxygen or anything. They said it's just she needs to learn, and they think maybe they have pushed her a little bit too fast. This time last week was her last day on CPAP and she has only been off oxygen since last Thursday and breastfeeding since yesterday so she has done very well.
I was so scared I started crying - feel like I am cracking up for only the third time since Sophie was born. It's not even the thought of not getting her home as fast as we thought - I'd far rather she stayed in a bit longer and was ok for coming home than have something like that happen at home and not know how to deal with it. But I don't know how I've got this far - 13 weeks since all the problems kicked off - and just starting to crack now...I had a couple of other points a few weeks ago when I felt I could not cope with all the visitors and us getting very little time as a family etc but I've not felt this bad till now. DH was really really grumpy yesterday - he said he was stressed at the thought of Sophie coming home even though he is excited about her coming home he is scared too - and we were bickering all the way up to the hospital. We have been so strong up till now
I don't really know what to do with myself now, I'm on my own in the room we are staying in...the nurse told me to go for a walk and go for a cup of coffee etc but I'm still a bit of an emotional wreck so I don't know if I feel up to facing other people yet. I want to see if Sophie is ok but at the same time I can't face the intensity of that room at the moment. I know it's special care and much less busy and intense than HDU and ICU but it's so busy and noisy today. And I feel really bad for not wanting to go back along. Part of me is scared for what I will find if i go back along but I know that's stupid because she was doing absolutely fine, it's just the feeding that's causing the dips. I wish DH was here today but he is back at work after a few days off and won't be here till after 4. they said it happens to all the babies who have been very premature but they did say it's easy for them to say but a different story when it's your own baby.
I feel knackered too after my first night of breastfeeding and a few stressy days.
Sorry this is a ramble but I'm hoping someone will understand!
She started breastfeeding just yesterday and has been feeding on demand all yesterday afternoon and overnight. The first feed she did, she had a brady and went all grey and floppy and gave me the fright of my life but it didn't happen again for the rest of her feeds yesterday and through the night. They said it was probably just a rush of milk going into her mouth and her forgetting to breathe at the same time as sucking and swallowing. The rest of her feeds through the night were absolutely perfect.
This morning, everything was looking brilliant, her saturation levels were up at 97-100 through a nappy change, hiccups, and cuddles. They have to average 94 to pass the sleep study.
It came time to do her feed and she woke up and started screaming the place down (for the first time - nobody had ever heard her cry like that before). She latched on after a bit of fussing and then I noticed she was going pale then the monitor showed her heart rate had dipped way way down. I took her straight off and there was something just not right. The nurse said 'she's fine' and I said she's not, she doesn't look quite right, then I noticed she was starting to go blue round her mouth and under her eyes! I KNEW she wasn't right! I have never had such a scare in my whole life. Then the nurse took her from me and was patting her and blowing on her and shoogling her (the technical term lol) and eventually she came back to normal but I was seriously scared.
It happened again the next 2-3 times she started feeding. They think she is just getting a rush of milk at the start or is drinking too fast to think about breathing but they said it's all purely mechanical, nothing to do with needing to go home on oxygen or anything. They said it's just she needs to learn, and they think maybe they have pushed her a little bit too fast. This time last week was her last day on CPAP and she has only been off oxygen since last Thursday and breastfeeding since yesterday so she has done very well.
I was so scared I started crying - feel like I am cracking up for only the third time since Sophie was born. It's not even the thought of not getting her home as fast as we thought - I'd far rather she stayed in a bit longer and was ok for coming home than have something like that happen at home and not know how to deal with it. But I don't know how I've got this far - 13 weeks since all the problems kicked off - and just starting to crack now...I had a couple of other points a few weeks ago when I felt I could not cope with all the visitors and us getting very little time as a family etc but I've not felt this bad till now. DH was really really grumpy yesterday - he said he was stressed at the thought of Sophie coming home even though he is excited about her coming home he is scared too - and we were bickering all the way up to the hospital. We have been so strong up till now
I don't really know what to do with myself now, I'm on my own in the room we are staying in...the nurse told me to go for a walk and go for a cup of coffee etc but I'm still a bit of an emotional wreck so I don't know if I feel up to facing other people yet. I want to see if Sophie is ok but at the same time I can't face the intensity of that room at the moment. I know it's special care and much less busy and intense than HDU and ICU but it's so busy and noisy today. And I feel really bad for not wanting to go back along. Part of me is scared for what I will find if i go back along but I know that's stupid because she was doing absolutely fine, it's just the feeding that's causing the dips. I wish DH was here today but he is back at work after a few days off and won't be here till after 4. they said it happens to all the babies who have been very premature but they did say it's easy for them to say but a different story when it's your own baby.
I feel knackered too after my first night of breastfeeding and a few stressy days.
Sorry this is a ramble but I'm hoping someone will understand!
xxx
