Spouse changed mind about another

[Tristansmom]

So my wife and I had been planning to have another baby ever since our youngest was born. In spring 2017, I went through several months of fertility treatments, and no luck - and we were also out of frozen swimmers. I became extremely depressed/borderline suicidal (probably the hormones from treatment weren't very helpful there), got treatment for it, and we agreed that we would try again using another donor. I did a pile of research, found a good donor, got registered for an at-home insemination program (because she was completely adamant about no more hormonal treatments because of how badly I was affected), went through the initial consult.... then we had a fight over Christmas and she told me she changed her mind. I've brought it up a few times since then - how I cry every single day about not having any more - and she says she's sorry but she never goes back to saying she's willing to try again.

Now I'm very seriously considering just going through with the insemination (I can have the cryotank delivered to my office) and damn the consequences. I can't shake the feeling that I will resent her for the rest of my life if I don't. I know there's a strong possibility she will leave me if I do. Part of me wishes I was straight, because then I could use the "oh it was an accident" excuse (I know there are ladies here who have gotten pregnant accidentally on purpose)! I just don't know what to do, but I do feel like whatever I decide I should do it in the next cycle or two because otherwise I'll have to re-do my consultation.

 

[shelby1090]

I assume your partner is also the other parent to both your children (not necessarily bio but lare ting wose)? If so I can't imagine choosing an child that doesn't exist yet over your partner or other children's family unit. It sounds like maybe there are other issues within your relationship and I seriously think you should consider couples counseling before making a decision. Redoing your consultation might be a pain but this isn't a decision you should rush simply for that reason. You need to ask yourself if the relationship is more or less important than another baby. Maybe I'm not giving you the answer you want to hear or that other people will give you but it seems incredibly selfish to me to choose having a third child over your relationship with your partner (pending other issues obviously). If you separate how will it affect your children? Can you provide for three kids alone? Are you legally married? What would visitation or custody look like in this situation. I think you should really consider counseling before making a decision like this. I hope it all works out and the outcome is good for everyone though.

 

[bdb84]

Did your partner tell you exactly why she changed her mind? Are there money issues that make her feel like now is not the time? Are the other two children going through some rough times making her feel like she cannot handle a third?

I do think it's unfair of her to change her mind so suddenly knowing how badly you have wanted this. On the flip side, I cannot advocate for you following through with it without giving her a warning. You cannot curb your desire for a third child and I do believe you will come to resent her for this. It would be one thing if you both had felt 'done' after your second child and then you suddenly sprung this on her giving her an ultimatum. But to know you have longed for three children all along, and have put forth the effort to form a plan for insemination, only to suddenly say, "No, sorry".. well, that's just cruel.

First you need to weigh each decision along with the consequences of each choice. Which one hurts you the most- the idea of your partner leaving you, or the idea of never having a third? Then you go from there. If you decide you NEED that third child, then you sit her down and lay it all out in the open. "Partner, you know we have been wanting and planning this third child for years. You dropped a bomb on me when you told me you suddenly did not want to follow through with it. I've contemplated the ramifications of each decision and I have decided that I cannot find peace in not trying for my third baby. I hope you can see my side and stick by me, but if not, then I accept that you have every right to leave this relationship".

Or something like that.

Also- in your area, is your partner considered a legal parent to your two children? Meaning, would she be held financially responsible (child support)? I apologize for my ignorance, but I am not well versed in how this works in that regard within a legal same sex marriage.

 

[Tristansmom]

Thanks, bdb.

As far as legal etc., she is the legal parent of our youngest; our 8yo was from a previous relationship that I was in, but as she has been in the picture since he was 1.5 years and we've been married since he was 5, she would actually have legal obligations/rights there as well.

I really appreciate that you seem to see the fullness of the situation - the way she changed her mind so abruptly, my concerns about spending the rest of my life with someone who I will likely resent if I don't address this now. Her reasons, as expressed at the time, have more to do with the fact that she just doesn't want to go through the baby years again than anything; the sleeplessness, diapers, crying, etc. She has expressed some money concerns but quite frankly, I make as much as she does and I manage the household finances, so I can certainly make it work. My biggest worry is that if I don't do something now, I'll end up divorced anyways because of the resentment - and by then it'll be too late for another baby (I'm almost 36).

 

[MKaykes]

Hi Tristansmom! It's been a while. I'm sorry things didn't work out with the last of your frozen sperm, I think the last time I recall an update you had just done that last IUI. Circumstances definitely are different when going with the donor, is that what she's concerned with or is it adding another child? Was the fight in regards to growing the family or unrelated causing her to change her mind about another baby?

I think you know that doing this behind her back will cause a major possible irreparable rift in your relationship. As others have said, are you willing to risk that and having your current family ripped apart?


My advice is to have another serious chat about it, if you are willing to go about it behind her back I think the best option is actually to end the relationship and then pursue it on your own. I would give the same advice to someone who is considering "accidentally" getting pregnant on purpose, it is just a breach of trust in a relationship.

 

[Tristansmom]

She doesn't really care about it being a donor, just suddenly decided she's done with having kids. When she told me, she basically said she knew I would probably leave her because of it.

 

[BunnyN]

I sympathise with your frustration. Wanting another child is a strong pull that is hard to explain to someone who doesn't get it. It seems unfair that she sprung this on you so suddenly. However it strikes me that you are both thinking what you personally want. Neither is thinking about how to put your relationship or family 1st. There may be other relationship issues that need resolving or maybe your partner has bigger reasons for not wanting another baby that she hasn't explained well. Maybe she has been rethinking the effect the hormones had on you and is afraid of you being suicidal again? I think you need to have a serious talk. Your first responsibility is for the children you have and it seems unfair to them and your future baby to add another one to the mix without sorting things out first.