Spouse's and Support when it comes to CP's??? I'm so devastated and lost...

[ambertwogood]

So we've been trying to conceive for 6 months now. 4 of those were proper TTCing, the other 2 NTNP. Of those 4 cycles, one (this one) ended in a cp, the one before was a BFN, previous to that was a CP, and the first proper attempt cycle was a BFN. So CP, BFN, CP. Now here I am, devastated. But it's like my spouse doesn't get it, or even understand why I am "depressed", "sad", "doom and gloom", and anything else you can think of, he's said it to me, and has added that he's tired of it and can't take it anymore. I'm not a walking teardrop, but I'm not a bucket of fun and cheer either. The first CP didn't hit me like this one did, but I also didn't have as clear of +'s with that one bc my levels were fluctuating wildly and they would go from extremely questionable squinter's, to neg's, to faint positives, etc, and then back to nothing after 49 freaking days when I FINALLY started to bleed. I guess that one just didn't seem as real to me because there was never a test that I looked at and said, "Yep, there's no denying it- I'm pregnant!" if that makes any sense. The whole cycle was a roller coaster and I was just ready to get of the ride by the time it was all done with. I moved on swiftly and kept going like nothing had happened as did my spouse, as if he can't see a BLAZING positive (bc he doesn't get the whole "a line is a line' thing) then I guess it's just not real to him. This cycle my O was late, but BDing was perfect, temp rise was amazing, I had IB right on time (a tad early but still in realm) pregnancy symptoms and extremely EARLY BFP's that had decent progression for a while, then over a two day period went fainter, next day BAM starkly negative and spotting, and then the floods came. This one was REAL to me (at least). I thought this was our cycle. I have one LO already, she is a yr and half now, just so you have some back ground. My spouse is perfectly content with just her and say's he doesn't really want another one, but she is not his biologically (which does not bother him he has been the only one there throughout her pregnancy, birth, and life, but if I'm being honest it does bother me and I don't really know why) I love my spouse. I want to have a baby WITH HIM, not that it makes our daughter any less of anything, I just don't want to go through the rest of our lives never having had a baby that is both biologically ours. I don't know if this will resonate with anyone, it's just how I feel, I can't help it. It makes me feel guilty, like subconsciously I think she's not enough or something, I punish myself bc I think that if that is how I feel then I must be a horrible mother. I just love my spouse and don't want him to live out the rest of his life never knowing the "true" (not sure if that's appropriate bc I'm not trying to diminish integrated families or adoptions, etc) feeling of having your own biological child. Not to mention, that beside's his emotions and life experience I feel like he may miss bc I'm getting "older" re-productively speaking, I WANT TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF HAVING A BABY, BEING MARRIED, AND DOING REDOING THE PREGNANCY THING OVER AGAIN KNOWING THAT THE BABY I AM PREGNANT WITH IS MY HUSBANDS. We are not married now, nor were we married when Emma was born, and he was very aware that she was not his, we had broken up and I ironically enough after trying to for almost ten yrs got pregnant while we were on a break during a freak accident incident. He wanted to be there, he wanted to be her father, her dad, and he is in all respects of the words. She has his last name, he is legally responsible for her, he absolutely adores her and she could not be any more a "daddy's girl". But my entire pregnancy with her felt like a dark cloud was over shadowing it bc we were still having problems for a while, we knew she wasn't his, and I felt incredibly shame, guilt, humiliation, gloom, etc, to the point to where it made it very difficult for me to enjoy the experience. Which I KNOW is horrible and please don't bash me for it. I just can't go on any longer holding this all in. Is it too much to ask to want a "normal" pregnancy. To have a baby with the man I'm fixing to marry, and do it all over again, knowing it's the last one, and actually enjoy it this time? He doesn't get it AT ALL. And I don't know how to explain to him. Then for my biological clock to be ticking insanely loud to point that I can't focus on anything else, and him taking this "whatever" attitude towards all of it, and the recurring CP's and then him this time basically acting like I'm being over dramatic and just need to get over it and enjoy what I do have, I just lost it. I can't snap out of it. I want to give up. But I also want that baby with him. I'm devastated and grieving and my spouse is off in lala land acting like I'm being lunatic for being upset. I'm so lost. Am I wrong in this? Is there something I'm not seeing? Should I not be upset? Or want or need another baby bc we already have one? I'm so lost, lonely, and isolated. I just want to crawl in a hole and bury myself.

 

[Mom15]

Again I'm so sorry Amber! I think you have every right to be upset. I get what your are saying about wanting a child with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is so special to see you and your SO united in a child. And I know you love your daughter to the moon and back. It's not her who is not enough. I think it is the fact that it took ONE freak accident incident to conceive that makes it so much harder to see lines fade away when you are trying so hard. I hope your spouse can find it in himself to support you and understand where you are coming from. I don't know if it's of any help, but it seems my hubby can me much more supportive when I can control my emotions. Not sure this makes sense, but I think he doesn't know how to deal with me crying. So whatever the topic coversations always seem to go better for us when I have waited to talk to him after I had a chance to cry it out. I hope you can find the energy to keep fighting for your future baby! Another aspect you said your clock is ticking. Can you go see your doctor and maybe get a conversation started there that you had a couple of losses. Just talking to someone about to other than your spouse might be comforting. I wish you all the best and hope you get your sticky bean soon!!

 

[earthfairy]

Hey Amber
I just joined. I have 2 little boys and just recently (july) had a chemical pregnancy. I feel the same as you. I lost our baby and have been completely devastated but my husband sees it entirely differently. He just thinks the blocks didnt fit together and that it wasn't a baby.
Ive come to the conclusion that men don't really get it because they're one step removed so Im not expecting him to get it. Stay strong and lets turn to each other for support.

Ive started to take positive steps to resolving things within my body (taking heaps of supplements from a naturopath, having acuouncture and even considering taking progesterone pessaries next cycle) to hopefully have a successful pregnancy next time but Im still terrified. Im 38 so I totally understand your fears about the clock ticking.

Do you think you could start looking into some natural support like supplements that may help you? I always feel that when Im being proactive it helps pull me out of the despair?

Hang in there. It is a tough journey but IT WILL be so worth it in the end.

 

[MiBabyHopes]

following!

i can completely understand how you feel about your loss, it is devastating and heartbreaking to have happen and yes like earthfariy said guys are a little removed from this stuff but he may feel it too and he's not showing it (guys are famous for not showing what is bothering them or even really know that something is bothering them)

i have a bit of an idea about why he is so eager to move past and forget about trying, cuz you said "he's tired of it and can't take it anymore" perhaps he feels that he's the reason for not having a baby. you mentioned that you had been trying for ten years and broke up and got pg by a freak accident incident. he may be feeling inadequate because he can't get you pg.

as to how you felt during your pregnancy i would think that is completely understandable and i'm sorry you didn't get to fully enjoy it and i don't think that wanting a child that is biologically his will undercut how you or he feels about the daughter you already have (because in all but genes she is his, based on what you wrote they sound like they are thick as thieves)

please, take time and heal and don't give up but only try again when you are ready. i was 8 weeks when we had a mc and i don't remember much from that day until a couple months later. i had people telling me that at least it happened early and it wasn't a baby yet, which is complete bs, my child in heaven was not a blob of cells. your children may have been tinier but they matter, which is why i say to take time and grieve and yes talk to someone (other than your oh) friend, dr., whoever you feel comfortable with, it's hard but it helps big hugs your way!

 

[ambertwogood]

Well, I got on here the day after I wrote this and wrote another post, but it took me so long to write the post, BNB logged me out during the process, and since I wasn't in advanced mode, the entire post was lost when I logged back in and went back to proceed with posting it I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and just ugh with it all, and to be perfectly honest just didn't have it in me to rewrite the whole again, so I just logged out and let it be. I haven't been on until now. It is nice to see the support from you ladies on this subject and is comforting that there are other women who understand what it feels like when a spouse just doesn't quite get it when it comes to a chemical pregnancy. So thank you for that. It does not go unnoticed and is much appreciated.

Now, to what I had originally logged on to talk about that I guess just wasn't meant to be conveyed in the way I wrote it that day. After writing that post, my spouse showed up at the house unexpectedly, as he had been sent home from work early bc they were done for the day. Of course, our argument from before quickly started up again, and he said to me, "I don't understand it wasn't even a couple weeks in it's infancy it wasn't even a baby yet, just move on, get over it, it's done with etc, etc" to which I was entirely enraged and replied to him, "If God forbid, Emma was to die tomorrow, would you be telling me these same things?" "That it is done and over with and there is nothing we can do to just get over it?" "Because, even though it wasn't "real" to YOU, that child was very much real to me, it is a baby, just like Emma, that I will never know, will never touch, that I will never hold and be overwhelmed with love for, to me it is no different and I am grieving the loss of a child". I then explained to him that regardless of how he felt about the situation what I needed from him was for him to accept, respect, and recognize the fact that it WAS real to me, and that I needed him to be supportive and caring and not dismissive and cold. To which he finally agreed that he could do. The conversation continued onto the other issue's we've been having in our relationship (his not being 100% on board with another baby and delaying moving forward with our engagement and marriage) and he FINALLY opened up to me and revealed the real reasons why he has been so hesitant to move forward or be on board with a new baby, which even though I do not entirely agree with his position, I can see and understand his position as a man and why he might feel and think that way. To sum it up, he basically said that in his head he felt like if he was to move forward with our marriage and or be on board about another baby that it would be announcing to the world that he was perfectly content with where we are in life right now. And to be honest, we are not in the greatest of positions we have problems with our home that need repairs, we struggle financially at times, he has not landed the job that he feels is necessary to feel like he's "accomplished and secure", I have not reached my goals and aspirations career wise, etc, etc. It's not perfect, who's life is? I don't feel like getting married or having another baby means that we are completely comfortable with the way things are now, but in a way, from a man's perspective as a provider I can see how he might see things that way. It hurts I'm not going to lie, but it does feel a lot better actually knowing the why's of his decisions instead of being in the dark left to assume what he's thinking and what his motive's are, because let's be honest, a women's mind can be her own worse enemy at times So, I don't know where to go from here. We have decided to do the Love Dare program to try to strengthen our marriage and I'm hoping that once we have completed those 40 days of "marriage boot camp" that our future will be clearer and that we will at least be talking and on the same page about things. My issue at this point is the entire ticking clock thing, bc it has already become all consuming and I don't know how to turn it off. I don't even think that there is a way to help my SO to even begin to understand what it is like for woman when it starts ticking and how obsessive and consumed by the ticking that we can become. Then to compound the issue, the losses have not made that ticking any quieter, if anything they have made it even more all consuming to the point of an obsession. I'm consumed by it, I eat, sleep, and breathe, how to conceive another child. It has become so bad that I have, to my own shame to even admit to you, let other things become neglected. My home, being a mother to my daughter, being a better spouse. It's like I have become this crazy obsessed maniac on a one way path with tunnel vision to conception and pregnancy. I don't know how to turn it off. I mean how can I be so crazed by this even knowing that my spouse, who in a perfect relationship and world should have his feelings and thoughts considered especially on a matter like this, isn't completely on board with it? I don't know what to do. I have started to try to focus on Yoga again, but then when I'm doing yoga I either find myself thinking about conceiving and pregnancy while doing it or seeking out routines that have something to do with increasing fertility health???? I don't know what to do. At this very moment, I am admitedly a bit "relaxed" about it all, but I also haven't started bleeding and am no where near my impending O date, to which I know the madness will probably ensue again, if I don't figure out a way to reign this in. But then the other part of me thinks, why don't I get any say so in this? Why is that because you think that people will judge you and our place in life if we get pregnant again that it all just get's put on hold when I have this searing feeling that if I don't do this soon, it may never happen? why do my feelings on this matter not count? Why is it bc he's not ready to do it that we just aren't going to? Which then makes me angry and resentful towards him because even though it may not be real, I think what if we do wait and then it never happens? How will I feel about all of this and him then? Am I wrong in this? What am I supposed to do to resolve this? If you were in this situation what would you be doing and saying? How would you ladies be feeling about it? Would you just put a lid on it or continue to press the issue? Don't my feelings about this count too? I"m so confused, emotionally drained, frustrated, and tired of all of it. I just don't know what to do now or where to head from here.....

 

[bumbleberry]

Sending you lots of love amber

I have been in your situation before with my ex (though he never felt ready and always had excuses etc his need for things to be 'just right' were unachievable so I can empathize with how you are feeling) but it's good that your OH is willing to support you and at least is listening to what you are saying. It's good that you are going to work on the marriage boot camp.

Can I ask how old you are if you don't mind? You keep mentioning about your ticking clock. I know exactly how this feels (I'm 38 next week so even more so at the minute especially after my m/c last month)

It's good that you are looking to focus on other things to help with the obsessive-ness feelings. You come across (in the nicest possible way) almost like your drowning in your own thoughts about it all, which can easy to do but you are feeling very drained and confused about it all which is not helping.

Yoga is a good start I find exercise as a great way to focus on something else. I've just starting back running and have given myself a goal of reaching 10k and also have let a friend convince me to take up zumba (I have zero coordination but have found it great to start laughing again)

Take care of yourself. I'm here to chat whenever you need to lovely xx

 

[ambertwogood]

Sending you lots of love amber

I have been in your situation before with my ex (though he never felt ready and always had excuses etc his need for things to be 'just right' were unachievable so I can empathize with how you are feeling) but it's good that your OH is willing to support you and at least is listening to what you are saying. It's good that you are going to work on the marriage boot camp.

Can I ask how old you are if you don't mind? You keep mentioning about your ticking clock. I know exactly how this feels (I'm 38 next week so even more so at the minute especially after my m/c last month)

It's good that you are looking to focus on other things to help with the obsessive-ness feelings. You come across (in the nicest possible way) almost like your drowning in your own thoughts about it all, which can easy to do but you are feeling very drained and confused about it all which is not helping.

Yoga is a good start I find exercise as a great way to focus on something else. I've just starting back running and have given myself a goal of reaching 10k and also have let a friend convince me to take up zumba (I have zero coordination but have found it great to start laughing again)

Take care of yourself. I'm here to chat whenever you need to lovely xx

You know, I hadn't even thought about his "aspirations" that needed to be met never being attainable and that this could turn into a cycle of nothing is ever good enough no matter where we are in life, but I hope that is not the case, and that once we are past this little hump we found ourselves caught in that he will settle in and relax a bit. I think on some level all men think that way, that things need to be "perfect" before you go moving forward with other life changing events, but there is never a perfect time to do these things, and there will always be something that could be improved upon. That's why women are here to give them the push they need to see that's it's okay for everything to not be perfect I am only 29 yrs old, so you do have 10 yrs on me, but it took me 10+ yrs (and that's not counting all my idiotic mistakes as a teenager that could of led to unplanned pregnancies) to conceive my daughter, so in the back of my head it feels like something is wrong and they pound you with this whole once you reach 30- FERTILITY DECLINES, then 35-DECLINING MORE- then 40- THEY ACT AS IF IT IS DEATH WITH OUT ASSISTANCE. We are not in a position to pay for fertility treatments in any way, so when I say it's ticking, yes I'm only 29 but with the underlying fertility issue's, approaching ages that dr's start to consider you "not optimal" (and I am not meaning to offend to, so please don't take any of this that way, I am only speaking about myself in these context's) and knowing that we can't do fertility treatments of any kind, it just makes me feel like if we don't do this while I am still at prime conception age that it will never happen if that makes any sense to you? In other news though, we started the Love Dare program last night, and this morning when he woke me up, he had already forgot all about what we were supposed to be focusing on for the day, which was patience and not saying ANYTHING negative to your spouse AT ALL for the next 24hrs, so I got woke up to an irate spouse and when I reminded him of what we were supposed be doing, he started making excuses, to which I gently reminded him that it didn't matter, that that was the whole purpose of the exercise. That we were to refrain from negativity no matter what the external conditions or situations were. He finally came around and apologized for losing it on me, and we are back on track, but I'm hoping that it get's easier for him to remember what we are doing and stick to it, because it's a program that you continue to add to. It's like day one "NO negative talk to your spouse of any kind" Day 2- kindness (haven't read it so I don't know what the focus exercise is yet, lol) you don't stop doing day one once you move onto day two, if that makes sense. You continue to practice the no negative talk through out the entire 40days and add on the rest of the exercises as you go- if that is making sense, until you get to day forty and are supposed to have this transformation of how you treat, speak, love, and relate to your spouse. I am just hoping that he actually takes it seriously and just does what it ask, I mean what can it hurt and at this point anything positive in our relationship is a good thing, even if it's just not saying negative things to each other. I don't know what I'm doing this cycle, bc up until now, I have been continuing with full speed conception regardless of his feelings, but I have found myself procrastinating with everything. I normally temp, in which I do so vaginally and am still bleeding, so I I wouldn't be doing that any way's right now bc my thermometer isn't waterproof. But I also haven't started up my CBFM yet, and am running out of time on it. I have also decided to sell my CB advanced monitor. So, I don't know. I haven't been taking any of my supplements either. It's just like something has broken, but I don't know what, or how to fix it.

 

[bumbleberry]

Yes my ex was difficult to deal with but from what you say about your OH it sounds like he is willing to explore options and to me that seems like he is supportive and understanding of your needs as well.
Unfortunately my ex was straight black and white - he couldn't see past the need for everything to be perfect and unfortunately for most life isn't like that. There was always some excuse not to do something, he was very negative and it was one of the reasons it ultimately led to our breakup after 13 years.

You know when I was 29 I felt the same, it's a landmark birthday coming up so I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I'd gone from not being that concerned about having children to suddenly feeling like omg if I don't do this soon it'll never happen as I've left it too late etc. So I can appreciate for you it probably feels worse since you have been trying. And I don't think it helps that everything you read goes on about declining fertility after 30... haha and I'm approaching the Death without Assistance age!! I'm not sure if opinions are slightly more relaxed in the UK though, I know with some treatments age is a big factor especially in the NHS but I haven't been treat any different by the professionals I've seen (yet anyhow). But I think we're extremely lucky to have the NHS over here so I can appreciate that you have that extra burden to contend where you are which cannot help the stress levels.

That marriage programme sounds really interesting. I hope your OH takes it seriously, he probably will, it may just take a couple of days to get into the right mindset so hopefully the grumpy sod will wake up in a better mood tomorrow for you!!
I'd be interested to see how you both get on with it. My fiance and I have been arguing more of late but I do think its from my hormones and moods from miscarrying being all over the place at the minute. But if it doesn't improve I might look into something like that.
You know this could also be why you're feeling the way you're feeling ie procrastinating etc, your hormones will be crashing. So give yourself some time to regulate and you'll find you will get back on track. I stopped taking my vitamins, drank a lot of coffee (and wine and G&T's!) but slowly I'm getting back to where I was. You will get there lovely

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I understand about wanting to give your husband a child. Although we have the girls, I feel a very strong need to give him a son. I feel like a terrible wife because i havent been able to and looked down on. Girls get married and start that branch but a son carries his father on.

I think you should take time and heal.