Struggling a bit coming up to Sophie's first birthday...

[katy1310]

Anyone else felt a bit strange in the few weeks leading up to their LO's first birthday?

This time of year is bringing back so many memories for me, thinking this time last year, I was down to my last month of being pregnant, my last 2 weeks of actually enjoying being pregnant before all the stress and worry started and my last 2 weeks of being blissfully unaware of what was to come! It was the 2nd of March that everything kicked off and the 14th that Sophie was born and I just feel....I don't know, strange. I can't sleep any more (which is why it's after 2am and I am sitting here writing this!) - my mind just starts racing as soon as bedtime comes.

Everything is going through my mind at the moment, lots of thoughts about neonatal and the whole experience generally, the fact that Sophie is growing and changing so fast but I feel like I missed out on the whole start of her life somehow....I was diagnosed with PND just before Christmas after feeling really down for ages but not telling anyone, and it's only recently that I have really really started to enjoy Sophie (I have always loved her soooo much but it's only recently that I have really started to properly feel like her mummy and stop worrying about her and really enjoy her). I regret not seeing about the PND sooner and maybe I could have felt this way for longer rather than wasting all those months worrying! I'm finding it hard to put into words how I'm feeling but I just feel like I need to get it out somehow.

Another really daft thing on my mind is....well last year just at the time everything started and I was going for daily scans & monitoring etc, we had FIL's dog to stay while he was on holiday and I have all these memories of being totally stressed out by the dog jumping on me all the time when I was so worried about everything and I just couldn't be bothered with it...having to fit in walking her, worrying about her being shut in the house all day while we were an hour away at the hospital, DH having to sleep on the couch because she wouldn't stop whining...I remember all these miserable walks with her with everything going through my mind about what might happen, I remember walking across the road with her while I was waiting for the midwife to phone me about blood pressure checks, the dog leaping all over me when I was frantically trying to think what to put in my hospital bag when I found out I was being sent off to a different hospital that day and probably being admitted and I remember just shouting at her to get off and leave me alone. Well my whole point here is, FIL has decided to book himself a last minute holiday and guess who is getting the dog the very same time as last year?

At least it's only for one week this time rather than 2 but still.....I am dreading going on those same walks with her (there is only one way out of our street) even though Sophie is home and well and everything - plus I really don't feel that i can cope with the dog just now I'm only just getting on top of things with the PND, and Sophie's pretty cranky teething just now and I find it so stressful getting out for walks with the dog AND the pram and working round feeds and naps and everything else. I had to look after the dog for 3-4 days a week for 6 whole weeks when Sophie wasn't long home and I was so stressed out. I've told DH how I feel but he just keeps saying "There's nothing to be stressed about". I've never had a lot to do with dogs though and she does stress me out, jumping on our cream couch and chairs ofetn with dirty paws, peeing on the carpet whenever someone comes to the door, whining from early in the morning - I'm going to be on my own 12.5 hours a day with the dog and Sophie!

Sorry sorry, I know this is a loooonnng rant and I'm not expecting anyone to have got this far but I was lying in bed tossing and turning with my mind racing and I just had to tell someone and see if anyone else feels the same approaching LO's first birthday? Sorry for the long rant about the dog, I know there is no answer to that part but maybe someone will understand what I mean about being worried about the memories it might trigger?

I am due to get counselling and have my first session on Tuesday.

Oh and the other thing is I'm finding it kind of hard to come to terms with the fact that I've got an almost one year old when I should only have an 8 month old right now....I should have months left till her first birthday!! It's making me feel that she is kind of growing up a lot faster than she actually is - she is still small, only looks about 6 months at a push but acts older than 6 months! She definitely is nowhere near like a one year old but she nearly is....aaargh, I feel all messed up and confused! And sooo tired but I just can't sleep!


Thank you to anyone who got this far but I doubt if anyone will!!!!!

xxxxx

 

[sar35]

sorry had baby on my lap but wanted to subscribe to the thread, im still in the early days where the lead up to the birth is very much still there, i can only imagine that i will feel the same way as you when its my LOs birthday.
hope the councilling helps

 

[25weeker]

I think most prem mums struggle on the first birthday as for us it wasnt a happy occasion as we didn't want them to be born! It is weird because you go by their corrected age so much it doesn't feel like they are one yet. Guessing as they catch up that will change. Try and enjoy the day when it arrives because there is still a lot to celebrate as she is beautiful and doing so well.

Holly's birthdays are never going to be easy for us but it's a miracle she is here to enjoy them so I am determined to make them good for her.

Can't really advise about the dog as I would probably have been a cow and said no to having it but I am not an animal person

I hope the counselling helps. Xx

 

[Cazzyg]

The 1st birthday is difficult. I remember it dredging up so many memories that I'd blanked and also discovering how many big gaps I had in my recollection of the day of her birth...and some of the time afetrwards. There's no getting round that when the birth of your child hasn't gone to plan, for whatever reason, the anniversary is likely to be difficult.

I would probably be putting my foot down about the dog. It sounds like you have enough going on without having to deal with the dog too.

I know it easy to say. But time certainly seems to be helping me. The 1st birthday was difficult, the second much easier. After my daughter's first birthday, I was determined that I wasn't going to let the circumstances of her birth ruin her birthday for her

What helped me do that was realising that I can't change what happened, it's in the past.

Do you have anything special planned for Sophie's birthday?

 

[TwoBumps]

Hey hun. I was exactly the same in the run up to the boys first birthday. For about two weeks before their birthday, all I could think about was my pre-e and their birth and the time they spent in neo natal. It was awful, just like living through it all again. What I found though was that my DH was having exactly the same thoughts at the same time, and it was really good to talk things through as we both experienced the same things but from a different perspective & he remembered things that I didn't and had concerns that I hadn't had at the time. Plus its nice to know that you're not on your own in these things!! Have you tried speaking to your OH about your thoughts and feelings?

It is a really emotional time, and you're are bound to feel a bit all over the place but I found that as soon as their actual birthday did arrive I stopped dwelling on the past and actually really enjoyed their birthday weekend I hope that the same will happen for you!

With regards to the dog....try not to worry about it too much as I'm sure that it will not be anywhere near as bad as to you think it will be. Yes it probably will trigger off more memories, but maybe walking the dog with Sophie may actually help to soften those memories as you will realise how well things have turned out & that your beautiful little girl is doing brilliantly.

I am also hoping that every birthday won't trigger these memories, but I'm sure that they probably will, its just that each year they will become fainter & you will remember each happy birthday that you have had instead!

Big

 

[Foogirl]

No, No, No. If OH thinks there is nothing to be stressed about, let him take care of the dog all day. And if OH can't take him to work, book him into the nearest kennels (the dog that is). Put your foot down and let them know it isn't happening. What would they do if you weren't at home all day? As if you have plenty of time on your hands to look after a dog

The birthday can be hard, but can you find anything to be positive about with it? You got to spend extra time with her, the "newborn" phase may have gone fast, but think about how much faster it would have gone with a full termer!

I do look at Abby every now and then and wonder where my baby went, but I am slowly learning to appreciate the here and now with her rather than wishing it back or forward. I remember one mum saying she always thinks the best age for children to be, is the age they are at the time.

Hopefully the counselling will help, it is always good to have a good chat and a good bubble about it all. Please do let us know how you get on. And hopefully you can come see us all soon.