Suicidal Thoughts - Not attention Seeking.. Looking for Facts

[StorkStalker]

Hi Ladies,

I am sorry for the gory title. I don´t mean this post to be a pity party, I´ve had plenty of those. I also do not mean this post to be a post where I want you girls (who I know are going through so much already) to try to tell me it´s not worth doing, or to stop having negative thoughts and focus on the positive. I appreciate those things but I am well beyond that point.

A little back story, I´ve been on the road of TTC for almost 6 years. With many losses along the way. I live in France only with my husband, but my family lives accross the ocean.

TTC has brought my life to pieces. I have had two losses, one mc and one tube removal. As recent of monday, my 1st IVF cancelled. A year ago a myom removal. A failed IUI. And endless months of failed cycles.

I have lost hope. I can not bear my life. My marriage is falling appart, with each failed attempt I can see my husband drift farther and farther away.. Hormones are too much for me, they drive me crazy and my husband has never been good at empathy, although, I must recognize, he has done his best..

I do not have any other wish or will in life. My whole life has been reduced to TTC and fail at it. My body has betrayed me. I am losing my hair. I look older than a 33 year old.

I have lost all sympathy for my family or friends, I have come to the conclusion that if I can not bear my life and they are strong enough to bear theirs, then let them. I feel husband will be happier without me and will find a woman who can give him children. I do not give anything good to this world, I just pollute air and eat food. I do not want to focus my life on helping others, bring peace to the middle east or focus on prayer or anything like that.I feel all is pointless..

Also, I have always thought of suicides as cowards, as irresponsible, as egoist and selfish beings. I could never imagine how they were able to do such things upon their families. Now I completely understand the feeling of don´t caring and just wanting it to be over. People will move on. The air I breathe and the water I drink is better used in someone who wants to continue living. Gosh, it is beyond me why if there is a god it wouldn´t give my heartbeats to a cancer patient, or a child to me instead of someone who will drown it on the toilet.

Anyway, I do not know and I wish that none of you will ever reach the point I have reached. I can not cope. I am tired. I dread every minute of every day. At night when I can sleep I have nightmares about what I go through the day.

This TTC is more than I can bare. And I take my hat of to every human being that has faced worse than I have and can stand strong. I am humbled by every person in this planet who can walk with whatever is thrown at them. I simply can´t.

 

[Briss]

StorkStalker, I am very sorry to read your post and that you reached this point; it's really hard and I do not really have the right words to say to you. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have these thoughts going through my head probably more often than normal and just like you i am consumed by TTC and nothing else matters. I've tried everything and nothing has made any material difference so we are moving to IVF. DH and I discuss divorce from time to time because our relationship has been damaged by TTC and I am considering using donor sperm. It's been very hard and there is not much hope but one thing I know I cannot give up until I still have eggs that are capable of being fertilised. I just cant give up on something that's bigger than my life. I will try and TTC until I go into menopause, although it's getting harder and harder with every failed cycle. Please do not give up yet, try and live through this dark period in your life as best you can because it must change eventually. if there is a god or not I cant tell you but one thing I know is that life carries on and it changes, everything changes and this misery will change but you must be alive to be able to see it.

Why was your IVF cycle canceled? Can you do it again?

 

[heres_hoping]

I wish I had the words for you. All I can say is I hear you. Two years ago, I lost my first son, and at that time I felt as you feel, it hurt to be alive and I wanted to go to sleep and never ever wake up. I just wanted the pain to end. Two years on, and now long term trying again, I can feel that depression and those thoughts coming back.

What keeps me going is the hope, and thought that one day, maybe I will be lucky and conceive again. Also, I cannot put my family, especially my husband through it after losing Bertie.

I now right now it feels like you have nothing to live for, but you do. You have a purpose here, and a future. My favourite bible quote says "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Don't get me wrong, I have very angry moments, where I just want to yell at God, WHY then? Why did my son doe and why can't I conceive again? When will You keep your promise? I don't know the answer, any more than I know why people get cancer or the Middle East is in turmoil. I just survive on hope.

Your husband did not fall in love with and marry a baby factory, he fell in love with, and married YOU. Have you spoken to him about these thoughts you are having? Men don't open up much about the wholes TTC procedure, I struggle getting my husband to talk about it and I know he gets irritated by how much it is constantly in my mind. But, if I told hi was feeling suicidal, he would soon sit up and listen.

Have you considered getting some counselling or other help? Sometimes just having someone to talk to who will listen and not judge or offer platitudes really helps, it helped me even when I was sure it wouldn't. I not sure if you have them in France, but you could always call the Samaritans too.

If TTC is putting that big a strain on your relationship, maybe it is time for a break? Stop the hormones for a couple of months, I know how crap they make us feel. Maybe book a vacation for the two of you, or go overseas to visit your wider family. Something else to think of for a while whilst you regroup. Feeling the way you do is not healthy, and cannot be helping you conceive. I know in the desperation to be pregnant, the thought of stopping treatment for a while is not a good one, but in the longer term maybe it will be best.

You are in my prayers xx

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Hi Briss and SorkStalker,

First of all I want to say that everyone has ever had such kind of thoughts. Unfortunately, they are very often in my head . In the last about 10 years my life has been extremely difficult. I was a happy girl that loved life and living but the circumstances made me many times crying and thinking how miserable my life is.
I was just told that my AMH hormones are very low (2.23 pmol/L). And I thought "Why!!! Why should I always fight for what I want?!."
Everything I have been aiming in my life I have received in the most long and difficult path. When my mum was pregnant with me she kept me in secret because she was not married and my father did not want me. When I was just 40 days old I had to fight for my life because I had pneumonia. Then my childhood was not easy (lonely) I couldn't find friends. My mum had to live and work in Italy so I grew up with my grandmother and grandfather. I missed my mum so much but I could see her just several times a year and later once. Then I met my husband but even for him I had to wait and fight for our relationship. Our married life has been very difficult from the very beginning - no money, no job for him....etc....NO BABY.... With a lot of effort and consistency we moved to live in the UK. I studied my second Master's degree and I was working at the same time. Very, very hard time. I am still working over 60 hours a week and looking for job with my education. I can't explain how many times I felt so desperate. ..... and only the hope and believe in GOD have saved me by now. I love GOD too much (my family, too) to give up.
Girls do not fed up and do not give up life. It can be REALLY, REALLY beautiful. Stick to your partners (husbands), love them and support each other. Remember we make the choice. We meet the challenge, face it and fight. ....
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[TTC First]

StorkStalker I can totally understand where you are coming from and I thing that many of us get these feelings from time to time. We have been struggling and we can not even get to the point of being able to do IVF or an IUI. I have heard about the toll TTC takes on a couple and I believe that I am starting to see this in my own relationship.

I know that it is typically a woman's dream and destiny to have a child of her own. But...think of all those children out there who have been born to parents that are not prepared. There are many children who are looking for loving parents to care for them. Adopting a child can be rewarding for you and your husband but it also means that you are saving a child from a difficult situation. I am a foster parent and I see these children and know that there is a need for loving families to care for these healthy yet needy children.

Please consider other ways to bring a child into your family as I can assure you it will be just as rewarding as a child who you have given birth to. Whether you become a foster parent and provide a loving home and for a variety of children or adopt a child, you will be a hero to each child you take into your home.

 

[cooch]

Stork stalker you poor thing. You're really in a bad place. Have you sought any therapy, or hypno or meditation? This is me now three years into ttc, I have just started my first ivf and I've never been in such a good place. I can only put that down to time out, holiday, seeing a counsellor, having acupuncture, doing meditation and seeing a hypnotherapist every so often. Don't get me wrong, I have off days, but they're not that common now. It's taken a while to get here. My husband and I also attended counselling together so we could express our feelings and understand how the other is feeling a little more.

There are some good books out there such as Alice Domar's Coping with Infertility. Think that's what it's called. There are various chapters, but essentially you have to look after yourself. She also goes as far as to suggest antidepressants. There are loads of positive case studies. There is also a chapter on adoption, I have to say I'm not interested int his at all for a number of reasons. TTC First, you mean well, adoption is not something a lot of us want to think about or have our own reasons for not wanting. As much as you have made some fabulous points, wats right for one, isn't necessarily for all.

Stork stalker, you need to find peace within yourself by please see someone regarding your feelings. Xx

 

[StorkStalker]

Thank you all for your kindness and reply.. I know we don´t know each other so I feel triple gratitude for the support one can receive around here.. specially without judgement and with empathy..

Dear Briss,
I am very sorry to hear you have thoughts like this yourself.. the feeling of powerlessness and defeat is unbearable... This road is definitely a hard and lonely one.. I have tried accupuncture and therapy but nothing (except a baby in my arms) will ever return me to a place of peace.. The thing sustaining me is my marriage, because I love my DH with all my heart and if this takes him from me, that would be it. My IVF cycle was cancelled after 8 days of stimulation due to OHSS, so crazy high hormones, good follicles gone to waste and the feeling of uselessness remaining... Supposedly we could start again in 2 months but there´s no telling if the same will happen.. IVF is our only option right now due to only having one tube and the other may cause another ectopic.. Also I am scared beyond my mind because I have lost like 3/4 of my hair, I can see my scalp and I cry when I shower because my hair just keeps falling when I touch it.. I know this may be vain, but I can not be bald.. I do not feel pretty and I am a woman and I do not want to be a movie star, just my normal self, with hair, and confidence that with a little effort I can look nice.. now I don´t want to go out I am ashamed and sad, and selfconscious... All because of the hormones... and all the hormones were for nothing.. I hope TTC stops taking a toll at your marriage, I know the feeling, hopefully you will graduate from this with your IVF or natural, I wish it with all my heart... Thank you once again...

Dear HeresHope,
Thank you. I am so very sorry and at lost of the correct words to say about you losing your dear baby boy Bertie. I can not comprehend why such a thing must happen, and I am humbled by your strenght. I wish that your TTC will soon stop and that you may soon see your belly grow and then your baby and kid and mischievous teenager, etc.. Thank you for replying to me.. Receive a big hug and much much love.. I indeed have thought of stopping TTC lots of times, even did it (kind of) for a while, but then the ectopic happened... also I wish I could stop and regain my hair, but the pain of stopping is too big, it makes me go on, just to see if maybe this next attempt is the one..I can not live a future where there is no baby in my arms so I must do all that I can, I just want this pain to be over, and normalcy to come back to me, to us as a couple... Right now we can´t afford a vacation because (to our luck) the day I went to the emergency room to have my tube removed, my husband lost his job.. so now we are on the last months of NHS and we have to make the most of it and also save money because our families can not help us in any way.. I know it is not healthy to feel this way, to be so obsessed and so sad, but I don´t know how to turn it off.. I just see one of two ways out, one is bliss and the other is just ending things.. I wish I could say it is the hormones talking, but I´ve been feeling this for a long long time... Thank you and my best wishes for you for your journey TTC to be over... xoxo

DaisyPrencess,
Thank you for taking the time to write to me.. I appreciate it completely, and I am sorry that thoughts like this have to haunt us, in my case constantly and as time goes by it only gets worse. I wish there was a way to just stop and say enough, it is my turn to be happy, but that´s not how life works. I too was a happy and caring girl, but as well was faced with illness (dislexia, severe asthma and allergies, etc) and hardship through my life.. this is not my first rough patch in life and I should be stronger, but I thought when I got married that my happily ever after would begin and my new story with my new family would be different, one that I made for myself.. I never imagined this would happen to us.. Our married life has been difficult too because we are a bicultural marriage living in a third culture, and its a lonely road.. we have been unlucky at work and NO BABY. So I totally get every girl in this forum, I feel empathy and I know the pain. I wish someday this whole forum would be empty. But then I think about that and feel anxious that even then I would be the only one left.

TTCFirst,
Thank you very much for your sweet post. Having a baby has indeed been my life long dream. I never wanted to be a doctor, or teacher, or anything I always answered a mommy. I did study and I did everything one´s "supposed" to do before becoming a mommy and now I am here.. without my only big dream... Unfortunately DH is completely out regarding adoption or fostering kids, it is a no no for him, he says he can´t deal with that. He says he can only love his child (he is perfectly fine) so my guiltmeter jumps off the charts everytime I fail. He is an only child and is 40 now and wants to be a daddy so bad (he didn´t have one growing up) so it is a tough conversation when we have had it and it doesn´t help t unstrain our marriage.. I feel betrayed by life, why me? Why not give whatever I have to one of those couples or mothers who can´t take or wont love a baby? Or can´t handle one more? Why me ? (no answer I know)I just wish not to feel this way anymore, I can not cope, can not function, and just pray and lose hope and pray again every day and try to make sense of it all but nothing works and I´m hopeless and alone.. Thank you again for your kindness and support I appreciate it more than you think.

Dear COOCH,
I am indeed in the worst place I´ve been. And I´ve been low. For a long time now. I know some women have ben TTC longer but my strength has gone, I admire anyone who is able to handle more, I am burnt and gone. I am however very glad to hear that you are in a good place right now, and fingers crossed this will be it for you and you will graduate this place.. This is my wish for you, that everything goes well with your IVF and that your TTC journey is soon over. DH is against counsel (stubborn stubborn man) and I have done it myself but they repeatedly tell me I must find something else to focus on, another thing to make sense out of my life, and there they lose me because I´ve tried and failed, I can not have any other goal other than having our baby, and if I could be more positive and more diversified in my interests I would, but time passing only makes it worse...I used to be happy and joyful and focused and functional and stress free, until this happened to us... People tell me to stop stressing and it will happen, but I wasn´t stressed for the first 9 months of TTC and nothing happened...TTC has taken the meaning and purpose and will of my life and my personality, I wish I could regain peace somehow.. I wish for all of us to soon be past this... and nothing less than a healthy baby (babies) for each and every one of us...

Thank you with all my heart.

 

[Briss]

StorkStalker, OHSS is very scary and can be fatal. I am not surprised they had to cancel your cycle. hopefully your clinic will change the protocol accordingly so it does not happen again. but if they continue with the same protocol I'd consider changing the clinic. do you think you are losing hair because of all the IVf meds? We decided to go for natural/modified IVF with very little meds so almost no ovarian stimulation. There will only be 1-2 follicles but the risk of overstimulation is low as well. maybe you could consider going this route?

 

[amy8686]

Just wanted to send some more positive thoughts your way. This journey has sent me in and out of depression too. I've had the same thoughts of feeling useless, like this is what I'm supposed to be able to do, and why would my husband want to stay with me if I can't. I'm now taking a break until next summer, and it's really helped me to remember that there are other things to live for, and also that there are many ways to achieve a family. We can't possibly have any perspective while we're was in the midst of this.

Please try to remind yourself who you were before you started trying to have kids. You are still that person, even if this endless stress has completely suppressed everything that you thought was good in the world. Try therapy. Try to meet people who have happily adopted after years of trying to overcome infertility - that really helped me to become hopeful again. Just keep in mind that this is temporary, and as alone as you may feel across the ocean, we're with you.

Hugs,
Amy

 

[blue33]

Hi StorkStalker, I am so sorry that you are feeling this right now. I have also had these feelings before. We have been ttc for 6 1/2 years and had 4 pregnancies, but 2 ended in MC and the other two were ectopic, the last of which left me with only one tube, the night I left the hospital after having my tube removed, well, I was a complete mess. I was feeling everything that you are right now...I was consumed terribly my extreme grief over losing yet another baby and on top of that I knew that my husband wanted a child so bad and I once again had let him down, it felt like. I even offered him a divorce if he wanted so that he could find a wife that could give him a child. I just felt like this loss was the one that 'broke the camels back' for me. It was a very dark time so I definitely understand what you are feeling right now. I ended up in the hospital with a slight nervous break down. Thankfully my doc was great and I took a medication for a couple of months that helped along with some good talks with my dh. Please don't act on your feelings and maybe tell your doc how you are feeling. Sometimes a couple of month break from ttc is a good thing, it can help you recoop emotionally not to have the ttc pressure hanging over you for a short while. Please tell your dh how you're felling too, if you can. My faith in God also has gotten me through, although there was a point where I doubted Him because of everything I was going through. But the great thing about God is, even when we may doubt Him, He never doubts or gives up on us. I truly hope that you start feeling better and I will pray for God to deliver you from this dark place in your life. You are worth the air you breathe and the water you drink.

Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? -Matthew. 6:26

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Hi StorkStalker,

I can't say that I never thought I would have problems conceiving. Actually, I have had this feeling since I was a child. I have told my husband from the very beginning that there might be a problem but he did not believe me. This was the point when I started feeling depressed and my thoughts for emptiness overwhelmed me. This was and a moment when the crisis all over the world started and it affected us financially. My husband was refusing to speak about tests for fertility, he was paying less attention to me and I was just a wreck. I can't explain the pain in my heard and how many times I preyed to God to help me. I was asking him just the pain to stop. It was really unbearable. ( Even now if I have an argument with my husband I feel in this way. ) The only thought in my head was that I wanted to be pregnant. The endless questions from the family and friends were making the thinks more difficult. I was feeling that there was not any option for us because of lack of money. This time I was still living in my country and preparing to move to the UK. Because we were as I said financially very bad I had to take very hard for me decision (which caused some arguments in the family) to sell my property that my family gave to me and I had promised to my ankle I would not sell. But the only aim I had was to come to UK to continue my education and to five my family better chance for life. And believe me we both of us have been going through the hell to succeed. When I left Bulgaria I was so depressed and unhappy person. I was very angry with my hubby and our life. But since we have been here he changed I changed....we started thinking together about our future. I graduated my second Master's degree. I have not found a job still with my education but I am working hard and I am paying our bills. My marriage is more stable than ever. And the suicidal thoughts in my head are less. I have told everything to my husband that I had been keeping inside me for years. And believe me just the love in God has help me to survive by now and has stop me to do something stupid in a moment of depression.
I can completely understand you when you say that you love your hubby and you want to give him a baby. I feel horrible because I even don't look my age but at least 8 years younger. Just what I need to be young is with 30 years older then me and that are my overies. And it is not fare and it is another problem in my life that I have to deal with. But if God gives me this challenge I am excepting it and I will to what I can to win. If not adoption is a decision. I know your hubby does not want another child but if this makes you happy?........
I wish with all my heart that you have your own baby. And you find your peace and happiness in this difficult life. Remember something that my husband always reminds me: God gives tests to these who He knows will pass them.
So think about yourself as a very special person and love yourself. And when you feel down prey for strength. It helps. Believe me.

 

[popchick75]

I'm so sorry to see you going through this. We are 10 years (8 years with ex husband, 2 years with fiance) in to LTTTC at this point and I will admit that I have been where you are right now. The feelings of sorrow, emptiness, and desperation are all unbearable.

In life, sometimes it’s easy to get so focused on our dreams and goals that we tune out everything else. We can get to the point where we’re not going to be happy until we see those things happen. But I’ve found that if we have to have something in order to be happy, our lives are out of balance. When our goals and dreams start to frustrate us; when we lose our peace and don’t enjoy life, that’s a clear sign that we’re holding on too tightly.

Those are the words I held on to to drag myself out of all of that desperation: If we have to have something in order to be happy, our lives are out of balance.

I had lived a 'just wait until' life while TTC. I had the attitude of 'when i get pregnant then this will all be better and I'll be happy.' Guess what? Not true. It may bring momentary relief because you accomplished it, but all of the underlying issues that caused you to not be able to handle the stress of LTTTC will still be there. And that is what you need to pull yourself together for and focus on addressing. You know how when you are in an airplane and they give you those 'in an event of an emergency' speeches? They tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help anyone else secure theirs. You have to take care of yourself first. If you don't back away from this and get yourself in balance, then you will lose everything just like i did.

I was terrified of skipping a month of treatment. I was to the point I was frantic. It was about time. So afraid of losing time, wasting time, calculating time.... I desperately tried to control both time and the situation. You can't. And as long as you try to do so, you will continue to sink deeper and deeper until you let go of it. I was horrified at the thought of letting go of TTC, even temporarily. At this point, it was the universal constant in my life. It's all i knew and all that mattered anymore.

I lost a marriage over this. I have blamed our divorce and anything and everything
other than TTC, but in the end, I had to face the facts that my obsession and failed attempts at becoming pregnant is what ended it. Even though most of our conflict/fighting wasn't directly over TTC, looking back I can see that it all came back to the stress that it caused. It was like a cancer that spread. How do I know this for sure? It's been 5 years since we got divorced and we are now very close and still talk every day. Once we were out of the nightmare of LTTTC, we found ourselves again and things went back to the way they were when we were first married. Had we stopped trying, we would still be married. But we realized this too late. And now our chance is gone.

Let go and fix yourself while you still have a chance. I held on too tight for too long and when it finally came time to let go (age, money, sanity, physical health) and I physically couldn't continue, it was letting go by force and not by choice. Guess what? The sense of relief was like the feeling of air finally rushing into your lungs after you were drowning. Take that break now by choice and get in balance. Make things right with your husband and yourself. When you've done that, then ease yourself back in to TTC again.

I refused to believe that walking away or taking a break from TTC without getting a baby out of it wasn't even an option. It is. I thought i would be just inconsolable and heartbroken for the rest of my life. I wasn't. Granted, i'm still disappointed and the sadness still washes over me sometimes, but it wasn't the catastrophic end of the world i thought it would be. And as frustrating as the remaining feelings of disappointment and sadness are, it's just a drop in the bucket compared to the desperation and suicidal thoughts i was having while trying.

It took too long for me to figure this all out. I don't know if you'll see yourself in any of this, but i hope you take it to heart.

 

[dairymomma]

Stork-I wanted to let you know, as all these other ladies have, that you are definitely NOT alone. I've been there too. I'm still there but I'm slowly getting better with the help of my DH, my family, and my doctors. I just wanted to tell you I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. You are NOT alone no matter how alone you feel right now. There's always a sympathetic and empathetic person here on BnB.

 

[ces2008]

Hi Ladies,

I am sorry for the gory title. I don´t mean this post to be a pity party, I´ve had plenty of those. I also do not mean this post to be a post where I want you girls (who I know are going through so much already) to try to tell me it´s not worth doing, or to stop having negative thoughts and focus on the positive. I appreciate those things but I am well beyond that point.

A little back story, I´ve been on the road of TTC for almost 6 years. With many losses along the way. I live in France only with my husband, but my family lives accross the ocean.

TTC has brought my life to pieces. I have had two losses, one mc and one tube removal. As recent of monday, my 1st IVF cancelled. A year ago a myom removal. A failed IUI. And endless months of failed cycles.

I have lost hope. I can not bear my life. My marriage is falling appart, with each failed attempt I can see my husband drift farther and farther away.. Hormones are too much for me, they drive me crazy and my husband has never been good at empathy, although, I must recognize, he has done his best..

I do not have any other wish or will in life. My whole life has been reduced to TTC and fail at it. My body has betrayed me. I am losing my hair. I look older than a 33 year old.

I have lost all sympathy for my family or friends, I have come to the conclusion that if I can not bear my life and they are strong enough to bear theirs, then let them. I feel husband will be happier without me and will find a woman who can give him children. I do not give anything good to this world, I just pollute air and eat food. I do not want to focus my life on helping others, bring peace to the middle east or focus on prayer or anything like that.I feel all is pointless..

Also, I have always thought of suicides as cowards, as irresponsible, as egoist and selfish beings. I could never imagine how they were able to do such things upon their families. Now I completely understand the feeling of don´t caring and just wanting it to be over. People will move on. The air I breathe and the water I drink is better used in someone who wants to continue living. Gosh, it is beyond me why if there is a god it wouldn´t give my heartbeats to a cancer patient, or a child to me instead of someone who will drown it on the toilet.

Anyway, I do not know and I wish that none of you will ever reach the point I have reached. I can not cope. I am tired. I dread every minute of every day. At night when I can sleep I have nightmares about what I go through the day.

This TTC is more than I can bare. And I take my hat of to every human being that has faced worse than I have and can stand strong. I am humbled by every person in this planet who can walk with whatever is thrown at them. I simply can´t.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way! Believe me, I know the suicidal thoughts and feelings. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety. I have overdosed on pills. I have been hospitalized 4 times for Suicidal Ideation (suicidal thinking). TTC makes things worse alot, especially after TTC almost 28 months.

Please don't do anything to yourself. I have also been a cutter since I was 13 or 14, and I'm almost 27 now. Its a struggle. Please talk to your doctor, or see a therapist or both. I have a Psychiatrist, and Therapist. I also see my Primary for it too, because I can only get into the Psychiatrist every 6 months or so. I take an Antidepressant and Antipsychotic daily. I am stable as long as I take them, and both have been approved by my OBGYN to continue throughout pregnancy once I finally get pregnant.

Please get help!!! I waited until it was too late, and almost killed myself!!!! PM me if you would like to talk! Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who understands how you are feeling!!!!

 

[nolansmom]

Stork Stalker,

I have not experienced your life pain. I am not LTTTC. I do not know what that feels like. I do have my own life's pain. I have often had the same questions and thoughts as you. You ask God why? Why you wouldn't have a child by now.. I ask God why he gave me a child who has needed so much help, so much more than I thought I could give - but I keep giving and I keep hope that he lives a good life. Pain and turmoil regardless of the source is all the same once we start losing hope.

My point is that in the world of TTC there is this notion that a child will bring happiness. In the world where some have children with disabilities there is a notion that a child without a disability would bring happiness or be easier. It is a never ending cycle of wanting and hoping for something that is elusive at the moment.

I would imagine that many of the ladies here have been where you are in some capacity. A few years ago I cried and cried on Christmas wondering why God had given me a child with a disability that I could not financially support the way that some other families might be able to. It was a dark place for me as I needed to be strong for my Ds.

I urge you to seek a support group - a place where you can talk freely about your feelings and find hope for your life. I urge you to find answers to the question of "what if".. What if you never get a BFP.. Does that mean your life will not be worth living? Will you be able to find happiness? Please talk to a professional who can help you "feel better" so that you can continue your journey in a way that is healthy for your mind and soul.

-L

 

[Emmi]

Not a lot to add that others haven't already saidBut your post made me cry - I feel your pain and you really are not alone. I have just had a failed IVF cycle and I am so scared of facing life childless. I am 42 and wonder what's the point.

You come on here and talk - it's better than nothing and people here do understand which I think is important. I have so many people at the moment giving me advice on what I should be doing to fill the void in my life and I honestly want to scream when they start.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs

 

[Briss]

Emmi, I am very sorry your IVF was not successful. was it your first attempt? is there any chance you can do it again? So many people are getting lucky the second time, I read various docs' interviews and they all say it's a shame some couples get discouraged after the first failure and do not do it again because the second time it's easier to tweak the protocol and meds to increase your chances

 

[Emmi]

Hi Briss - I would do it again in a heartbeat but we are self funding so not sure how we raise funds again. I have my review on the 25th and I'll see what they say - I have a feeling that the protocol would be the same - I worked well on what I was on and those drugs were not cheap..... I have to hope that we can try again and in the meantime - try to do my best naturally to keep improving chances.

 

[Briss]

Emmi, sorry about the funding, it's a big issue particularly for conventional IVF where meds do not come cheap. that's one of the reason we went for natural IVF, it's cheaper and we also self fund. Good luck!

 

[Emmi]

Thank you Briss. I just have to see where the future leads us - my brother will give us some money so we just need to raise the rest but IVF is not cheap. I have to keep the faith and believe it will happen. Wishing you lots of luck too.