Terrified of having another baby

[mjemma]

I had a miscarriage in June and I'm now actively TTC again but I'm terrified of having another baby.

I had a prolonged miscarriage with failed medical management and bled for 2 months which I don't want to go through again.

But it's not just that. I am also scared of it being successful. I had a hard birth, episiotomy with forceps and a PPH which meant I had to have 2 blood transfusions. This all meant that my recovery was quite slow and sore.

On top of that my son was a v.difficult baby. He had severe eczema, colic and cmpa, slept little and cried a lot. I have no idea how I could care for him if I had a similar birth and baby again.

Now everything has settled down and we have a gorgeous little boy and a semblance of normal life which I am scared about rocking. I would love to have another child but the idea of going through all that again terrifies me. But then the idea of not having one terrifies me more.

As it took 2 years ttc my son, I have PCOS and have now had a miscarriage I don't want to put off ttc in case it takes a while.

I know there's not really an answer but just needed to write it all down. Anyone else have similar feelings?

 

[SarahA]

I'm not a mother yet, so I have no authority to say anything, but I didn't want to read and run.

Every woman I know says that no two pregnancies and no two babies are exactly alike. Maybe your next one will be super low-maintenance! My mother still tells me all the time that if she'd had my brother first, she wouldn't have had me because I was a really easy baby and my brother was difficult and had lots of medical issues. My aunt had three perfect, healthy children, then her fourth was born with Down's syndrome. She had no idea how she was going to care for her older three children knowing how much time and attention her youngest was going to need. But she's doing it, because she's their mother and she has to.

Taking the plunge into parenthood, whether the first time or the tenth, is scary. Acknowledge your fear, but don't let it control you. Don't let fear dictate your decisions. Think about how much you love your son, despite how difficult it's been. And sometimes the hard stuff is really valuable in our lives; it makes us infinitely more grateful for the good stuff. The bad, if we let it, can be transformative!

I know that sounds like nonsense that people spew at self-help groups (of which I am definitely not a member), but it really is true. If you'd asked me a year ago if I could have handled going through a miscarriage, I would have said no. But it taught me that I'm stronger than I thought I was. And you're stronger than you think you are, too. Sure, life is hard sometimes, and it can be sad and scary and a million other things all at once. But it is also exciting and wonderful and a million other things all at once. Personally, I don't think it's worth missing out on the wonderful because I'm scared (this is something I have to remind myself daily, believe me).

Ultimately, it's nobody's decision but yours. But I hope that if you decide not to have another baby, it's because you really don't want another one, and not because you're scared.

Chin up

 

[LoolaXx]

I didn't want to read and run either. I didn't go through as much as you did, bless you heart but I did go through a MMC at a young age which was the result of an abusive relationship as a 16 year old. I turned up at the 12 week scan to see just a shape on the screen, not moving just lifeless. I then had a d&c 3 days later. It sounds silly but I really didn't want the d&c, I felt a sense of comfort all the time the baby was still inside me. But the d&c came and went, I was emotionally not right for a long while. The pain fades month by month, mine was now over 2 years ago and although I still have the odd cry, I am able to see it as more of a bad memory I guess. i'm now with someone I love the bones of, and do feel ready to become parents and feel we could give our child a fantastic life. But... I still am petrified. I know I can get pregnant because obviously I have before, but i'm scared that all ill ever see on the screen is a lifeless blob every time. and I can't seem to see past that

Message me if you want to talk, I feel you!
xx

 

[mjemma]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate your replies.

Sarah, you're right, all the bad stuff does make us realise how strong we are and I truly agree that it makes us appreciate the good stuff more. I feel so blessed to have my son every day in a way I don't think I would if it had been an easy journey. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon and no, I won't let fear dictate my decisions. It's just something I need to work through and forums like this help.

Loola, sorry to hear you what you went through. That moment you realise there is no heartbeat on the screen is indescribable. When I was pregnant with my son I was so sure something was going to go wrong as it had been so hard getting there and I couldn't shift the thought the closer it got to the birth. But once he was here, it was worth every painful second and I know all this will be when I finally have another one. I hope that now you are in a healthy, happy relationship you can complete it with a baby.

 

[OmarsMum]

Big hugs

Feel the same, we're ntnp, I had 2 chemicals before conceiving my son, I didnt have a pleasant birth & the idea of getting pregnant again terrified me.

I was kind of ready to start ttc again, I went off the pill August last year, I had achemical in Jan this year then I conceived the next cycle, unfortunately it ended up with a mmc in April at almost 10 weeks.

Now I'm scared of getting pregnant again although we want another one.

DS is highly sensitive, he suffered from reflux when he was a baby, until now he doesnt sleep through, he is not an easy going child & very picky with food.

I dont have much advise, but you're not alone with those feelings

 

[mjemma]

Thanks, sometimes you feel you're the only one who is having these issues! I hope it all works out for you x

 

[jmhalsey00]

I am terrified of another pregnancy and baby. My son was born in August with a severe heart defect and died shortly after. It was unexpected, and obviously, very traumatic. The thought of going through another pregnancy being constantly anxious is scary. Even worse, the thought of being in that delivery room again literally makes my stomach turn. But, I want a rainbow baby so badly I am willing to put myself through all of that.

Love and prayers.

 

[mjemma]

I'm so sorry to hear about your son, I cannot imagine how hard that must be. Sending you lots of love and strength to get through and one day meet your rainbow baby xx

 

[BunnyN]

Thankfully I had a lovely birth experience but LO was also quite a difficult baby (she had cmpa too and is still not a great sleeper). Because of my age we didn't want to wait too long to try for another and we are now heading for two under two which is totally crazy of me . My biggest worry was that I was very sick in my first pregnancy and didn't know how I could cope with pregnancy and a toddler. I won't lie it has been tough and there are days I wonder what I what I was thinking but on the whole it has been better than I expected. I think we can cope with more than we think sometimes. You had a really rough time and you got through it. If you have a rough time again you will get through it but you have a good chance of things going much smoother this time. I still worry about a newborn and a toddler but I think at least if this one does have cmpa I will be much better prepaired. It took us a long time to work out what was going on last time. I was breastfeeding and eventually went on a diet which helped hugely. We could have saved ourselves so much stress if I'd done that from the start.

 

[mjemma]

Well I guess I'll soon find out how I'm going to cope...as I'm pregnant again!

Can't quite believe it. Not really sure how I'm feeling - apprehensive, excited, detached. I'm trying just to stay as relaxed as I can and take each day as it comes.

 

[BunnyN]

Congratulations! That's amazing! I'm sure you are still worried but taking one day at a time is a good idea. Try to concentrate on enjoying/coping with now, rather than what might be. Hugs

 

[mjemma]

Thanks. I actually feel calmer than I thought I would to be honest. Sometimes having so much to worry about makes it hard to focus on any one of them, maybe that's a good thing!!

Not long to go for you now, hope you're feeling OK and not too apprehensive about life with 2 under 2. You're right, we can always cope with more than we think we can.

 

[babytots]

I think anyone who has suffered a loss feels like this and its perfectly normal. I've suffered 4 losses myself and when I became pregnant with my eldest son (after my first 3 losses) I thought to myself what the hell am I doing. I was petrified of having another loss, petrified of how it would effect our family unit but as the pregnancy progressed my fears subsided. I then went on to have another little boy. We started ttc again this year but lost a baby in August and those fears of losing another are at the forefront of my mind.

As someone has said though no 2 pregnancies are the same and what happened with your son may not happen with your next pregnancy. x